Stop the World!

My  mum used to have a book called, "Where Does A Mother Go To Resign" and to be honest, more than a few times have I wondered, "Where does a widow go to resign?" The world moves on and I move forward in autopilot.  I feel crowded on every side, not being able to see past this moment, yet vaguely hoping that there will come a time when I'm not merely going through the motions but will really enjoy life.  Vainly I keep waiting for Dave to come home to me, knowing that he won't but still wishing he would.  I remember our brief marriage together and remember the conversation we had about our age difference when I said, "If we only have 6 years together, it will be worth it."  Neither of us expected our marriage, Dave's life, to end so abruptly and so soon.  It hurts bad!

I clutch at straws trying to find something that will awaken in me, a purpose for my life.  Last week I looked at 2 horses for sale.  My thoughts are that if I have my own horse, it will be as though I have brought something of my life with Dave, into my present life now.  Practically speaking, having a horse that I have to agist, commit myself to and yet not knowing what tomorrow will bring overwhelms and discourages me.  I want to ride but does it fit in to my life as it is right now?  Ideally, it would be great if I had a friend who lived nearby and who owned a horse I could just ride and groom but none of my friends do. 

My class is challenging as one could expect with two-thirds of the class being 8 and 9 year old boys.  Finding a way to engage them in learning, a way to help them focus in a classroom when they'd rather be outside stamping in puddles or playing football, is no mean feat.  While I try to cater for them, I can not forget the other third of the class who would be quite happy spending a few hours chatting socially, or like to read when all else is mayhem around them, and some have taken an interest in horses, too.  I scour books, websites and memories, trying to discover the key to helping each individual student realise just how talented they are and how important it is to focus on their learning so that they can grow up with the ability to use their gifts and skills profitably.

In the meantime, it's been 10  months and 2 days since Dave passed away and our wedding anniversary is in 8 days time.  I don't know how to face that day.  It's not like celebrating his life on his birthday - this is more personal.  I am thankful for the 13 months and 3 weeks of our marriage but it wasn't long enough.  It would be pitiful to go out and buy jewelry just because Dave had promised that one day, when we could afford it, he would buy me jewelry.  If I had friends over, what do we do? Look at wedding photos? I can't have a romantic dinner. 

That is part of the reason I was hoping to have a horse by now.  I thought that going riding would be a good way to remember our marriage.  I have to work that day anyway.  And that brings up another question.  What frame of mind will I be in, when I teach that day? Should I take a 'personal day'?  And yet, I might be fine and the distraction might be good.  I know that God will give me the strength to get through that day.

Some mornings I wake up with tears still on my cheeks.  Some nights I am still crying when I fall asleep.  Some days I make my mind think about something totally boring to keep the tears away.  I thought by now, I would be past this point in grief but instead, the last two weeks have been harder, probably because of Memorial weekend and because our wedding anniversary date looms closer.  I am tired of hurting.  I am tired of being strong and I am tired of trying to move forward when all I want is to 'stop the world, so I can get off.'  I try to be positive but there are days I just want to be given permission to shout, "This is not fair!"

I want someone to come alongside me and just allow me to cry and be weak.  Someone who wouldn't feel uncomfortable by my tears and who wouldn't ask me to be strong and get over it.  Someone who cares enough to be silent, make me hot chocolate, pour me a diet coke or plays a board game with me.  I want someone to know and care if I'm having a bad day and yet, everyone else is moving forward with their lives, their family, their spouses, children and friends.   

Life goes on. I know I have friends and family who love me and who care but I am still alone at home and still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and start all over again: in my work, my friendships, my home, my possessions, my leisuretime activities and my finances etc. I haven't found a church yet where I have felt I belong.  It's hard to put down roots when I don't know if this is where I will be in another year's time, or even two or three year's time.  I've always tried to make wherever I live, my home but right now, having been torn out of the life I shared with Dave, I don't want to be so vulnerable again.  To be honest,  I don't know what I want and making any decisions is all too hard for me. 

I don't have a choice about some things.  I will keep moving forward, swept along by life, going through the motions, trying to be positive and be strong so that, maybe one day, I'll wake up and know that I am going to live life rather than just drift along in my grief, in this life.