In all honesty, this is the worst I've ever felt since Dave's passed away, even though it should be getting easier, better, and/or less painful. I should be feeling good because I'm on Term break for 2 weeks, have a very good friend coming to stay the night tonight and then at the end of next week, Nathan and I will be making some good memories.
So much is going on in my head and the last few nights, even my dreams have been full of conflict and hurt. I hate being like this! I hate tears falling at any moment of the day and I know I don't want to burden my family and friends but on the other hand, I'm screaming out because I want to be loved and I want reassurance that I make a difference in their life and that I do matter. I almost called to cancel my friend coming over today because I'd rather hide under the covers than have to be sharing time, tears, making myself vulnerable, admitting that I'm not doing OK to someone who cares. I have kept Skype off because I can't be bubbly and positive and I only go to Facebook for the games and to see how the people I love are doing.
I'm looking for things that will ease the pain. The other night I watched "Mary Poppins" which is a feel good movie and it worked, temporarily. I understood what Mary meant when she said, "Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking."
I am nowhere near practically perfect if that is the definition though. I don't know if I feel like this because I am grieving or because work has been stressful,. Or maybe it's because I am reminded that I have no job security at the end of this year or because I have no home of my own or that no one will notice 'immediately' if I don't come home tonight. It's probably all of those things combined.
In my devotions on June 24th I read, "In times of trouble God hides you in Christ. Safe in the cleft of the Rock, there is provision for your needs. It may not be everything you want, but He gives you what you need to get through the situation.... God desires to pour out His goodness upon you. He has covered you with His hand and is continually moving toward you with the answer..."
On June 25th I read, "Many times you ask God to speak to you, but if He doesn't respond with a specific word, you still have to live your daily life." and on June 27th I read, "So many Christians are headed somewhere, but not many of us are enjoying the trip. It would be such a tragedy to arrive at the end of your journey only to realise you had not enjoyed life to its fullest..... Whatever your present station in life, whatever you are called to do, wherever you are called to go, enjoy the journey. Don't waste one day of the precious life God has given you. Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say, rejoice!"
I get it in my head. I understand what it is saying and I want that for my life. I do want to live again and enjoy life and give and bless others. I wrote on Facebook, "I know I have lots in my life to be thankful for and I am thankful for the people, both family and friends, in my life. But even when I am having fun, even when I share meals with others and even while I am thankful for others who love me, there's still someone missing in my life. I still miss Dave and wish I could be sharing my life with him - as we had planned. There's a big part of my heart that feels empty without him. And I don't say this for your pity or condolences. It just is what it is."
It's raining outside and my house is mostly clean and ready for when my friend turns up. It should be cleaner but I am lacking in motivation. I will have to go to the school during the holidays and get ready for next term, too.
I really wish I could find a way to get over this slump of grief. I wish I had the motivation and stability to move forward. I wish I knew where I could feel I belong, feel I could put down roots, feel I could give and have the assurance that if I make myelf so vulnerable, it won't be snatched away from me and I won't have to face this much hurt and loss again.
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