Unpacking... Memories

As I've been unpacking, I've unpacked memories of my time with Dave. Sometimes it's been too emotional and I've had to leave a box and go and unpack something else or instead, go outside and throw Milly the ball.

Tomorrow is Dave's birthday. (It's also Good Friday.) That's been in the back of my mind all week and I plan on baking a chocolate cake to celebrate his life. Three years ago, I had just arrived back in the US and was celebrating his and his daughter, Dianne's birthday and it was the first time we had been together with friends and family, since we'd gotten engaged. 

As I was leaving to come here, one of my dear friends who has also been widowed, advised me not to be too hard on myself and to expect moments like this. Like today, when I unpacked a box and found a letter I had written to Dave as I travelled by plane three years ago to begin my life with him. We were engaged and I shared my excitement with him and the plans and hopes I had for us. I told him how much I loved him and believed that we would have a wonderful future together and how much I was looking forward to it.

 

As I've opened boxes, I've uncovered items that I put away 18 months ago and couldn't look at a year ago because of my grief. I have cried tears since coming here but the most have been this morning. Again I have uttered the words, "It's not fair!" It's not fair that we didn't get much time to celebrate our love and have a life together. It's not fair that we didn't have years of memories as husband and wife and didn't have time to establish ourselves together in our home. It's not fair that I am back in Australia, once again starting a new life, having to make new friends, learn how to study again, look for employment and be on my own. It's not fair.

 

"Life is not fair" are trite words thrown around and "Move forward" is a catchcry that sometimes has a hollow sound to it. "She'll be right, mate" is an aussie cliche that is bandied about by those trying to inspire a positive note. To encourage is:

1.	to inspire (someone) with the courage or confidence (to do something)

Other words for encourage are:

 

animate, applaud, boost, brighten, buck up, buoy, cheer, cheer up, comfort, console, embolden, energize, enhearten, enliven, excite, exhiliarate, fortify, galvanize, give shot in arm, gladden, goad, hearten, incite, sinspire, inspirit, instigate, praise, prop up, psych up, push, rally, reassure, refresh, restore, revitalize, revivify, rouse, spur, steel, stir, strengthen, sway.

 

Let me pick out some words from that list: comfort, console, embolden, fortify, restore, rouse and strengthen.  Those are the words that describe what I need but even as I write, I think about how God has blessed me with friends who are proactive in their encouragement. I am thankful for my new life, that I am able to study in an area I am passionate about and that will open up job opportunities in the future. I like the peace and quiet my new home provides and the sounds of birds singing as a cool breeze teases through the branches of trees and makes it a warm day instead of too hot.  I can see that everything has fallen into place, in the right time.

 

I had not planned to be living my life without Dave only 13 months after we were married. I did not envision three years ago, that I would be where I am right now. Someone had on their facebook page recently a picture that said:

 

Never go to sleep angry. Because you never know if you or the person you're angry at will wake up the next morning. Always forgive because you never know if you'll talk to them again. Things happen. Get over it. Always forgive. You may not forget but it's better than knowing you'll never get to say "Sorry" or "I love you" again.

 

I love Dave and I will 'never get over' him passing away. He will always be a part of me, a part of who I am and I am thankful I had the opportunity to love him and show him how much I loved him. I know that he knew I loved him and although he couldn't understand why I did, I know he was thankful for me. I miss him so.

 

Well back to unpacking again. I'm almost done and then I need to do some study. Tonight there's an online workshop to discuss the assignment due April 17th. I am enjoying learning but it would be nice to know that I am on the right track and can write assignments. A good friend is coming up for a few days to visit and having just recently graduated from uni, she is going to be able to offer me constructive advice on my work. I have two major assignments due on that day. (April 17.) Go me. Yay.

God Has a Plan For Me

It is ironic that the last 2 devotions I have received via email have been all about new beginnings. The first one began:

Experience a New Beginning
The Bible is filled with stories about people who experienced new beginnings. Moses became a leader after being a shepherd for 40 years. Paul hated Christ until God renewed him and made him the greatest apostle of all time.

The second one started like this:

Learn to Trust God's Plan for You
You can simplify your life by learning to develop trust in God. Far too often, we don't allow ourselves to trust. Maybe your trust has been betrayed too many times in the past, or maybe you're just a very independent person. Even so, it's so critical to learn to trust God.

It's easy to get stressed out and run-down trying to make your life work on your own, but that never works. And God's plan is always better than your own. The person who trusts God knows that His way is best.

Now trust won't just magically happen. Trust grows as we take steps of faith and experience God's faithfulness.

There are days when I wonder why I am pushing myself to move forward and why it still hurts when I don't want to hurt anymore. I listen to a song or see something that ignites a memory in me and I just want my life with Dave, back. I know I have to trust God's plan for my life and I do, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away or that it is ever as simple as it may look on the outside.

We hear so much talk about positive thinking and how it changes our lives. I think sometimes we focus on that too much and ignore the pain but there needs to be a balance. While it's good to count our blessings, it's also important to acknowledge our hurts and worries. The truck driver was relieved that I had a positive attitude when he delivered only half of my stuff last Tuesday with the other half to be delivered a week later. He was glad that I could smile about not having a vacuum cleaner, a microwave, a broom and a mop and was grateful that I told him that this way I could unpack in manageable chunks. There was no point in me getting upset about not having everything. It wasn't going to change things and at least I got a fridge, my bed, kitchen crockery and saucepans.

On Wednesday night, lying on my mattress because the neighbour lady and I hadn't assembled my bed yet, I was worrying/praying about the fact that I haven't received my teacher registration. I said to God that I knew He had everything under control and I knew that things were falling into place but it would be nice to have that settled so I could start applying to schools for some relief work. The very next day, my friend Sharyn came over and handed me my mail which, you guessed it, included my teacher registration! How exciting! It just goes to show, once again, that God does have everything worked out for us.

This morning at church, they sang one of my favourite songs, "Never Once" and as they began to sing it, I prayed that I wouldn't become a blubbering mess. I managed to sing most of the words and only one tear escaped. This song means so much to me:

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Later, I stopped to get some milk and other essentials and was about to drive out of the carpark when a man tapped on my window. He stood back while I opened the door and he told me that my back, left tyre was flat. I got out and looked at it and he pointed at the 7-Eleven across the road and said I could pump it up there. I thanked him and drove to 7-Eleven and noticed that there was a tyre place right next to it. I drove there and the sign on the door said "Closed on Sundays" but I noticed the workshop was open and seeing a man come out and look, I went over to him and explained about my flat tyre. Turns out he was the business owner and had come in to service his car while it was closed because he doesn't get time during the week. He changed my tyre for me, found the nail or metal bit in the flat one and told me he would get it repaired and I can pick it up Monday morning. Now, that to me, is a God thing. Every single bit of that story shows that God was looking after me. A man happened to park his car next to mine as I was leaving, the tyre place was closed but the owner was there and it got changed. If I had have come straight home without any of those interventions, the tyre would have been a mess. God is good - all the time.

Life is so much better when we trust God and let Him be God in our lives, knowing that He loves us and He is faithful. His way is best.

Affirmation, Believing, Confirmation of Decisions

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by what life has thrown at me and I get to wondering about the choices I am making to move forward in this life. I often ask, "What have I done?!" "What if I can't do what I am trying to do? e.g. Complete assignments, stay on task, do what I need to do?" When things are going well, people comment that I sound happy but that makes me feel like they are forgetting that I miss Dave and that there are times I am sad. I do not ever forget that I am only here because Dave isn't and that I would prefer to be with him. I know they are trying to encourage me and don't mean to belittle my grief but the life I am living now is not my first choice but it's like that worn out cliche says, "If life throws lemons at you, make lemonade".

In the midst of moving forward and making decisions that continue to challenge and stretch me, I can get discouraged and wonder if I am doing the right thing. Once I have made a decision, I just want to get on with it and have it come easily so if it doesn't, I get frustrated. Take today for example: I went and read Assignment 1, followed the steps to where I was supposed to find the case studies for it and couldn't find them. Now I know some students are plowing ahead and are probably half way through the assignment due in 4 weeks time, so I felt a little intimidated having to admit that I haven't yet begun. I have kept up with the weekly readings and activities and planning to begin the assignment four weeks in advance is pretty good for me! The reason I want to 'get ahead' is I am hoping my furniture arrives tomorrow and I will be able to unpack and set up my home without worrying about getting behind in my course.

Last weekend, Milly and I went to stay at our new home. I loaded up the car with things to get us by for a couple days and headed over there on Saturday afternoon. I put things away, cleaned the oven and played with Milly. I taught her how to 'go get [the ball] and bring it back to me. She got it right 75% of the time or thereabouts. I had a relatively early night and because I had forgotten my pillow, I used the folded up quilt made out of Dave's clothes. As I was laying on my air mattress, I wondered what my future in this home would be like. I wondered if I was living in a safe area and again, got to wondering about the decision I had made to come live here and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

The next morning I went to visit a church about  twenty minutes drive away.  Going to a new church on my own, is not easy. I didn't know anyone and did not know what kind of church it would be like. i.e. size, tradition, people etc. I made up a list of about 4 churches I would visit over the coming weeks and chose the one closest to me. It was easy to find and the church was well sized. During the service, an opportunity was given for people to say hello to someone they hadn't met and immediately the lady in front turned around and introduced herself. She was very friendly and we discovered we had things in common. At the end of the service, she took me over to meet another lady who lives only a street away from me! We exchanged phone numbers and as we talked, discovered we had a mutual friend who lived interstate. The friend had been a family friend of ours as I had grown up and we had even gone on family holidays together.

At home that afternoon, I was almost ready to go back to the farm when there was a knock at the door and a neighbour introduced himself to me. He lives 2 doors up with his wife and my next door neighbour had told him about me. After some chat, he took me to my other next door neighbour and introduced us. She and I immediately clicked and we exchanged phone numbers and she gave me further insight into the neighbourhood. So now I have met three of my neighbours which is more than I have ever met, especially so quickly, in any area I have lived in.

As I was driving back to the farm, I planned to tell Sharyn I can have a housewarming party now because I have made some friends; neighbours, church people, the bank lady, the real estate friend... etc. It helps to feel more settled when I have met others. I will continue to go to that church because I felt at home there, enjoyed the worship service, appreciated the sermon and it was nice to meet like-minded women who I could relate to. I am glad I know a little more about my new neighbourhood and have met neighbours who seem friendly and yes, all of the above is confirmation that I  have made the right choices and I am in the right place for me, at this time.

Now I need to go outside and untangle Milly's rope for the umpteenth time and get back to my study!

Live My Life Today

Today I headed for town and passed a herd of cows, chooks roaming around the yard, ducks flying overhead and that was before I even left the driveway. I have enjoyed staying with my friends on their farm but that part of my 'journey' is coming to an end as I will move out at the end of the week into my own home. I am looking forward to having my own place so I can get some kind of routine going for myself, put down roots and start finding my way into community life. Even though I can be an extrovert and  make friends easily, I still have to push myself at times to step outside the door and move forward. People sometimes feel they need to remind me how to live and how to do things and they are eager for me to recognise the blessings in my life and run forward. I see those things but I also see what has brought me to this place and what it has cost and I miss Dave.

It has been good to share stories of Dave with my friends here. It has been good to remember the fun we had, the way Dave used to stir up 'trouble' and the twinkle in his eyes when he was kidding around. I miss hearing his perspective and feeling safe as I sat beside him knowing that he would take care of me and be with me when it came to facing life. Sometimes my thoughts wander and I end up thinking about something Dave did or said and I have to hold back the tears although if I'm alone in the car, I let them fall. I am so thankful that I got to share my love with him.

Moving forward can be tricky and sometimes things fall into place quickly and other times they can be hindered by bureaucracy. Filling out copious amounts of seemingly irrelevant paperwork can be frustrating and draining but it has to be done and I look forward to the day that I can just get on with living and doing things that have purpose. I have started my online study course and that requires me to remain focussed and disciplined which can be difficult when I am still trying to sort out my teacher registration, getting my house connected to electricity, phone and internet and waiting for the removalist company to call and let me know when it will be convenient for them to redeliver my furniture. I am thankful that my friends here aren't tired of my company yet so I don't have to stress about not having a home.

They have even welcomed my new dog, Milly. Milly is a gorgeous, black, purebred labrador with chocolate mismarks on her paws and cheeks. It looks like she has been rolling around in the mud but it's just her colouring. She's 11 weeks old and on Wednesday I am taking her for her booster vaccination shot and to be microchipped. So far she shows a very agreeable personality and today I taught her to "sit" and "come". She responded eagerly and was content with verbal praise. She loves playing with the two farm dogs here and enjoys going for walks around the farm with me. She is a ball of energy and curiosity and sleeps a lot too. She is going to enjoy having 3/4 of an acre to run around in! When I picked up the keys this morning, I drove past my new place and checked out the fencing. There is one spot I think she might be able to crawl under but I can fix that and will.

As I was driving the other day, I listened to Sandi Patty sing a song called, "The Last of All Days" and the words got me thinking about my life and how I 'spend' today. I am aiming to make the most of today and doing things that I believe are worthwhile. Although part of me struggles with missing Dave and wanting to hold on to my life with him, I know it is more healthy for me to focus on taking a step forward each day. I don't have to run and there are times when I can sit, reflect, rest and cry without feeling guilty but I do need to make sure that I am living in the present, giving it everything I've got, doing what I need to do and being the person God created me to be. Jesus said, "I have come that you might have life and have it in all it's fulness." That's how I want to live.

The Last of All Days

If today were the last of all days
Would it change how you feel
Who you are?
Would you rise for a moment
Above all your fears
Become one with the moon and the stars?

Would you like what you see looking down?
Did you give everything that you could?
Have you done all the things
That you wanted to do
Is there still so much more that you would?

Chorus:
Follow your dream to the end of the rainbow
Way beyond one pot of gold
Open your eyes to the colors around you
And find the true beauty life holds

Would you live in the moments
Like when you were young
When time didn't travel so fast
Being free in the present enjoying the now
Not tied in a future or past?

Repeat Chorus Twice

You'd probably say all you wanted to say
But doesn't it strike you as strange
That we'd only begin to start living our lives
If today were the last of all days?
If today were the last of all days

Choose Life

Well there was a brief respite in the rain pouring down today and the sun came out long enough to dry my washing with the aid of a lot of wind! Coming north I expected the weather to be warmer but down in Victoria they are still enjoying good summer weather. If you haven't figured it out by now, I much prefer summer and hot/warm weather when I can be outdoors and do whatever I want to enjoy. I am glad I didn't get rid of all my winter wear when I was sorting out my wardrobe because it can get cold here during Winter.

I have had a busy but profitable week and have found a home that I will be moving in to next week. I am looking forward to being in my own place, even if it is a rental and being able to settle into a routine. The home has pretty views surrounding it, set on 3/4 acre with a mango tree in the backyard. It's a lot of yard to mow but I used to mow when I was at home in Reardan so it doesn't faze me. I think of going back to baking cakes  and slices but then there is only me to eat them all. My son told me that I could work it all off when I was mowing the yard. I am hoping to get a dog when I am there to keep me company, protect me and exercise with me.

I am finding my way around a lot easier since I bought a map. My GPS was taking me in directions that I didn't think was best and would get me turning up gravel roads instead of staying on the more direct routes. I have been studying the map to sort out which way I need to go and I'm trying to get around the 'city' without using the GPS as much as possible. It's not pleasant driving when it's raining, foggy and the roads are unfamiliar.

I am enjoying the two subjects I have enrolled in which I knew I would. Sometimes I still wait for the work to be done for me or wonder how I can take shortcuts but I also know that it behooves me to remain disciplined. Tomorrow I will go to the police station and be fingerprinted so that I can send off my application to the US to have a police clearance check and get my teacher registration completed here. I called the station and spoke to a policeman, briefly summarising for him why I needed to do the check, e.g. Moved interstate, lived in the US for more than 12 months, want to get my teacher registration changed and he laughed and replied, "You are a confused woman, aren't you?"

I am glad that it is all falling into place but I still sometimes think, "What have you done??!!" and wonder if life is moving too fast for me. At the same time, I know that there is no reason to postpone stepping out in this direction. Yesterday I was reading a book and one of the characters was a widow who was trying to figure out how and why she needed to move forward. She came across the Bible verse from Deuteronomy 30 "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." and her husband had written a note in his Bible, "Whenever you have the chance, choose life."

People may not realise that when one loses a spouse, it is hard to choose life. When a spouse dies, a part of you dies with them and getting up in the morning without them, facing the day ahead does not seem 'natural'. Some of the dreams and plans you made together also died with them. Choosing life, choosing to make plans and dream again without them, comes with time. It comes after a lot of days of forcing yourself to get up, pushing yourself to get through just one more day and one more night and choosing to hold onto hope even though you wonder why you bother.

Every time I see a truck, I think of Dave and I think of the moments we shared and the life we had together and I miss him. It hurts but the pain is more bearable. I am choosing life and I am even looking foward to living again. I feel like I am ready and I know that part of my ability to face life is because of what Dave taught me and who he was to me. I wouldn't exchange my life with him just to have it easier now and I know I've said it many times before but I know that who I am has so much to do with his love and influence in my life. 

So tomorrow is a big day because I sign the rental forms, get fingerprinted and continue with getting paperwork done and all the other things I need to do as part of moving forward. I was talking to a lady at the Uni today and she encouraged me and commented that I was doing very well. On that note, she also found out that I can claim all my uni fees via a government program so that I do not have to foot the bill now. It's a great relief but I still have to pay for the textbooks! It's all good and I know that God has provided me with all that I need. 

Each day that I wake up, I will choose life.

Wait and Renew My Strength

I'm sitting in this house trying not to be overwhelmed as the rain pours down, the farm dog barks and the clock ticks the afternoon away. My friend and her daughter have gone to a Baby shower and the farmer and his son are away milking cows so I have the place to myself and have no excuse but to study. I have enrolled in two subjects for this Master of Ed'n program: 1. Introduction to Educational Counselling and 2. Behaviour Management & Support. The course should take me two years to complete if I am able to keep up with completing two units a semester. IF. Without a job, I should be able to do the assignments and contribute to the ongoing, online discussions and work, once I master the whole technology stuff that goes with doing an online course.

I've been studying for about an hour and half on a Saturday afternoon and it's my break time now. I'm eating a banana because I have heard that's the best snack to have in order to keep your brain power going. It's such a wet day! Yesterday I went looking for houses to rent and on the way back, there were a couple places when the water was over the road. Today, Sharyn had to drive an indirect route to the party, to avoid flooded roads but the rain is supposed to be easing. As I look out the window, I can see chooks (hens) pecking in the grass, trees bowing to the pressure of the rain and a completely grey sky.

Earlier this week I drove 2,000+ kilometres without any problems and there was little rain to hinder my journey. It was good to drop in and see my close friends in NSW on the way up and it was good to finally arrive at the farm. Moving is such a huge thing and sometimes I feel that people forget that it is very emotionally and physically draining. They spout off cliches without having ever been in my place and think they are just sharing positive vibes when in actual fact I just want to be reminded to: "Just rest in the knowledge that this is where God wants you to be and know He will strengthen you for whatever lies ahead. Praying for you." as my friend Judy said.

As I was leaving my home at the beginning of the week, I heard a song playing which resonated within me:

You wonder when the Lord will renew the strength within you;
You wonder how, how can He use you as you are.
Seems like you’re wasting precious time,
But then a voice comes to remind you (to wait).

CHORUS
Wait, wait, wait on the Lord;
You will understand in time.
Why you must wait,
Wait, wait, wait on the Lord;
Yes He hears you,
But for now you must wait on the Lord.

Answers come slowly to your cries of desperation,
But time is His tool, teaching the greatest lessons learned;
So let Him do His work in you,
And watch the miracles come true as you (wait).

(chorus)

And He wants you to know that
They that wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They will rise up with wings as eagles,
They will run, not get weary.
They will walk and not faint;
That’s a promise to us when we (wait).

(chorus)
 

As I sang along with the song, I realised that it is important to wait on the Lord and to be still, rather than rushing into something before we are ready. I am thankful I had last year to wait on the Lord and use that time to rebuild and renew my strength. I still grieve for Dave and our unfulfilled dreams. I miss him so much but I wake up in the mornings knowing there is a purpose for my life and I can move forward.

Sometimes I want to run and get things done 'now' and I get frustrated when things don't fall into place on the first try. I went house hunting and didn't see any place that I would call home. I want to have a home so I can have my things around me, so that I can start getting involved in a community and start having a routine to my life. I want to have my teacher registration so I can apply at schools for teaching jobs. I wish I actually had an ongoing teaching job.

This is NOT about change in my life, this is about starting all over again and although it may seem a semantic difference to some of you, it is a huge difference to me. Change is about adapting whereas starting all over again is about starting from scratch. Think about it as like baking a cake. Change might be adding an extra ingredient or two to make a different flavour but starting from scratch is to begin without having any ingredients in the mixing bowl already.

It's hard work! It gets overwhelming at times and it is lonely. Although I know this new life is a positive thing, it takes a lot of effort, a lot of learning new things and sometimes there are tears of frustration, disappointment and even anger at having to be in this situation. It is requiring me to stretch outside of my comfort zone and push myself into doing what I hadn't imagined I would ever need to do. Still, I know that the Lord will give me the strength to run and not get weary, walk and not faint if I continue to wait on Him. I know that He gives me blessings and surprises that help to make the journey a little more bearable and I am excited about this new life - It would just be nice if it didn't take so much hard work at times!

If you want to watch the video clip, do a google search on Steven Curtis Chapman and the song is called, "Wait".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMXu_qZkZiM