The First Of December, 2012

I'm so excited because it's the first of December which means it's the first day of Summer and Christmas day is only a few weeks away. I was talking with a colleague yesterday, in between report writing and he was on the interview panel when I first applied for the job I have now. He said I 'interviewed well' and I compared myself from then to now. I look back and see how much I have grown and how much I have healed. These are random things.

Then: Not looking forward to Christmas and didn't want to put up a tree.

Today: Bought a Christmas tree and with Nathan, we put it up and decorated it.

Then: A feeling of sadness and deep grief encompassed me
Now: Although I miss Dave, I am excited about what the future might hold for me.

Then: I'd hear songs on the radio and either cry or turn it over to another radio station to a song I didn't know or a song that wasn't going to break my heart.
Now: I sing. I hum. I sing along. I turn the radio to songs I do know. I smile when I sing and I enjoy singing again.

Then: Singing worship songs sometimes made me cry and be sad. 
Now: Sometimes that can still happen but I still want to sing and praise God.

Then: I didn't care what the future held and just existed from moment to moment.
Now: I still don't know what the future holds but I want to live my life to the fullest.

Then: I didn't know if I really wanted to continue teaching and wondered if I really was a good teacher.
Now: I have had a challenging class but I love them and I'm thankful for the privilege of teaching. I want to teach. I want to be in a school where I am able to put down roots and once again, get involved, give, teach, learn and thrive with my class.

Then: (Actually more like June 2010) I told Dave how glad I was that I would never have to write another report again!
Now: I have finished reports for this year and I am satified that I have written with fairness and kindness. I have not sugar-coated the truth but at least the teacher who has them next year will know a little about my students.

Then: I surrounded myself with things from home. (with Dave)

Now: I surround myself with things from home and smile because of the memories I have. As I took out the ornaments, I thought of how Dianne and I had divided them in half and she has half the same as me! As I set up the Nativity Scene, I thought about how Dave had made it a priority to set it up and he would take care in the way he arranged the figurines. As I switched on the ornaments that light up, I thought about how Mom Flowers had bought them and given them to Dave and I as she didn't use them.

Then: I wanted to stay in bed all day and didn't care if I didn't see anyone except my close friends.
Now: I get up before 8, even on Saturday mornings! I love getting out and making new friends and spending time with people.

Then: I walked. I smiled. I talked. But  a lot of it, was just going through the motions, hoping to get through the next moment, the day, the night and go through the motions again.
Now: I walk. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I dance. I sing. Because I want to.

Then: I didn't care.
Now: I care. I love having Nathan here with me for a couple days. I am looking forward to giving my students their Christmas gifts and looking forward to spending the last day with them, not because I am eager to say goodbye but because they have become so precious to me.

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with tears in my eyes from missing Dave. I might not have a job by the end of next week and will be wondering what I will do once I have finished work on the 12th December. I might feel uncertain and insecure. But. It really doesn't matter because in my heart, I know that God knows what I need, He knows what the future holds and, just like He has done has every moment and every day since Dave passed away, He will continue to hold me and guide me. He will make sure that I have everything I need at the perfect time that I need it.

I will not always get things right and the past year has been challenging and painful. People have been insensitive and encouraging, distant or close, abrupt and tactful but God has remained constant and faithful.

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

And never will there be a time that He will leave me to walk alone.