No Compromise On Moving Forward

Not long after Dave passed away, I had a heart to heart talk with my son and told him some of my dreams and some of the things I would not compromise on.  As life has gone on, I have found myself wanting to compromise if only to give me a reason to enjoy life and put down roots and not have to try so hard on my own.

Last weekend found me counting my losses again, hurting badly, dredging up the hurts of the past and wanting to give up.  There are times when I run forward but there are times when I turn around and want to run for the safety of the past even though it's not at all possible.  When I am looking back, I get discouraged and it doesn't matter what anyone says to me, I can't hear them and I don't want to hear them.  Fortunately for me, I have more very good friends than the average person does, which reminds I am valuable, well loved and above average.  It also means that I have persistent family and friends who will confront me gently with the truth, pray for me and who are more patient than I could have ever asked for.  They don't give up on me and I don't give up on them.

Recently I said to one of my friends who was telling me not to give up and telling me to take my time, be patient, move forward, "As much as you are very understanding, you don't really know how it is to have no ties, nothing and no one holding you here." She very generously agreed and said, "You're 100% right there, I have NO idea how it is to be you." but she also reminded me of how far I've come, what I have done in the past 12 months and how strong I really am.

When my friends tell me something, even though I might be defensive, I do  listen and when they are not around, I repeat their words to me, sift it, shake it and decide what I am going to do about it because they're usually right.

I had a good day with my students and in fact, I really enjoy them and even though they are challenging, they still say I am their favourite teacher even when I have to growl at them.  Even the boys draw pictures of me with a big smiley face and write me notes telling me I am fun, I am their favourite teacher and I am cool.  They walk beside me when we're walking to the library or the farm and I heard one girl say today, "And Mrs Flowers loves me!" as she went out to lunch.


Last weekend I realised I had to sell my horse Monty and today was the day he was going to his new home. We had him tied up in the corral and I patted and stroked him and he nuzzled me.  He kept pushing into me while I held him and kept putting his nose into my face.  There is nothing quite like the smell of a horse and the way a horse hugs you.  I stood on the side between him and the shed while the other people stood on the other side of the fence and couldn't see me.  It was a special time between Monty and me.  "Don't give up on your dream" advised Adrian as Monty was driven away to his new home. I assured him that I don't give up that easily when I've given my heart. I hadn't known him long but he was my horse and I am going to miss him.

What a day!  I started out in my work clothes to teach, changed into my jeans and boots to play with my horse and now I'm getting into my shorts, Tshirt and runners to go play squash with the guys tonight, which is always fun.

But the words of my friends and probably their prayers, means that I'm counting all the things I have to be thankful for. Despite all my losses over the past 12 months, I know I am alive and I have the hope and certainty that I have a lot to live for and a lot to give. I know I am much stronger and as I look back over the past, I can see how God has helped me get through every moment that has been hard.  I have the confidence that I can get on with my life and enjoy it.  I don't  have to wait for life to happen or for circumstances to be perfect.   I don't have to compromise or change who I am. I can get out there and do the things I enjoy and keep moving forward to attain my dreams.  If those dreams aren't attainable, that's OK, I'll just find some new dreams to aim for.

Still, the niggling thought in the back of my mind is: What am I going to do about a job for next year and where should I apply? lol

OK now off too squash and off to forget about work for a couple hours.