Packing Boxes

This year our Christmas tree was a moving box and not even packed, at that! Surrounded by boxes filled and waiting to be filled, I was not feeling like I wanted to celebrate Christmas. Stores were crowded and as Christmas loomed closer, I stayed home rather than be jostled around aisles by busy shoppers or be frustrated by cars that turned without indicating and aggressively squeezed their metal bodies into spots other cars were waiting for. T'was two nights before Christmas when I made up my list of "Why I don't feel like celebrating". I had the attitude that who cares if I've been 'naughty or nice', I think I deserve some peace at this time of year. I went to bed wanting Christmas to be over, boxes to be packed and everything to be 'settled'. 

As I waited for sleep to fall, I did some thinking. (Shock. Horror. I know. Not a surprise.) I decided that I needed to bring Christmas into my home and needed to change my attitude and so the morning when I got up, I cleared the kitchen table of packaging tape, documents and receipts, other stuff, Christmas cards and shortbread biscuits. I dug out the Christmas tablecloth, wrapped presents and placed them on the table. It was amazing how doing that, helped me to get excited about Christmas and helped me take stock of all the reasons I have to be thankful at this time. Christmas lasted a few days and we chose not to pack boxes over that time.

Now we are back into the mode of packing boxes, memories and dreams and sorting through the stuff that we want to keep, need to put bubble wrap around so it doesn't break, give to someone else who would find it more useful and/or throw out the bits that are broken and useless. Yes, I am talking literally and figuratively. It is an emotional time for me as I sift through all of my stuff collected over the years. I found a letter my mum wrote for me just after my son was born, I found my son's first attempts at a signature when he was 5 years old, a little teddy bear a past student had sewn up for me, memorabilia of when I taught (and was head of campus/then principal) for a total of 7 years at a small Christian school, photos of my time in the US, as well as letters and cards from people who love me. All of those things brought back memories of times of hopes, plans and dreams. There have been tears and smiles and those memories are also poignant reminders of how dreams were not fulfilled.

I am so thankful for how Andy has supported me over these last couple of days. At times, he has packed in a different room to give me space and other times, he has talked with me as I deal with the churned up emotions and memories. He has sat close and listened and he's gone outside to throw a ball with Milly or to sort through some of the storage boxes we've kept outside. I found a few of our wedding photos and showed them to him and he replied, "We looked so much younger then!" It will be our 2nd year wedding anniversary on the day that we leave here and go to our next chapter. I laughed and admitted that we did, or maybe we looked more relaxed and ready for whatever our future held.

It's quite exciting to see how this next chapter of our lives has fallen into place. I applied for a job at the last minute and after an interview, was accepted for the position with some enthusiasm. After a very relaxing holiday, we drove up to the new area we'll be, looking for a place to rent. During that time, the removalist company called and asked us hypothetically, whether we could move a week earlier than planned. 

Slightly panicked, Andy called the minister as his phone number had been given to us by our home group leader here and we were invited for dinner and reassured that if we had to come up a week earlier, he could arrange for someone to be there when the removalist came so that we could still fulfill all our appointments here. Another couple were also at dinner and they are going to be my colleagues at my new job. They all told us what the area was like and Andy felt much reassured. The removalist called the next day as we signed the forms for our new rental place which we like a lot and told us that we would still be leaving on the original day, not a week earlier. 

So, in between packing boxes, getting rid of stuff we don't need and wondering what the new year will bring, we also get to celebrate the new year beginning and farewell the wonderful friends we have here, go to our dentist who we both like and might have missed except we were told the dentist to where we are going is that good too, I get to have nuclear treatment on my thyroid and hopefully, we can book in to see my hairdresser one last time too. She did say that she'd be willing to fly up to do my hair if I paid for her flight ticket. 

The thing about leaving that is hardest is having to say goodbye. On Christmas night, we went to my friends' home. Sharyn and I have been good friends for almost 30 years and we have proven that distance doesn't break friendships. For all of the time we've been good friends, we've only lived geographically close for about one fifth of that time but I still remember when I walked into their home 3 years ago (almost to the day) that it felt like coming home. Facebook, email and phone make it easier to stay in contact and Andy and I will always have a home where our loved family and friends can have a place to stay.

As we head into 2016, we look forward to the next chapter of our lives. Just like any chapter, it will have its ups and downs, hard times and good times, be full of laughter, love and fun. Let's hope that there is more of the latter and less of the challenges! For you and for me! 

Ahh... The serenity of it all!

Each Day Has Enough Trouble

Earlier this week I wrote a list of all the things that were worrying me and keeping me from sleep. The list was relatively long and I tried to ignore the Bible verse that kept going through my head, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." We're now at the end of the week and some of those 'worries' can be crossed off the list while some are still waiting to happen and getting more worrying with time.

Change once again, is imminent. Once again I can claim that things haven't worked out the way I first planned for them to happen and once again, I have to deal with loss and saying goodbye to people who have touched my heart and life in their own unique way. Yesterday, it was time to say goodbye to my students and many of them were crying. One girl hugged me and sobbed, "Why do you have to leave?!" At the end of the presentation night, one of my friend's brought her daughter who was crying, to me. I reminded the girl that I had said goodbye to her family 7 years ago, hello to them in a new state 3 years ago and that who knows, but that we might meet up again in another 4 years time. 

As I move forward to another new school and a new place to make our home, I do have mixed feelings. On the one hand I have some great friends/colleagues to work with and I really have had the privilege of teaching two of the best classes I have ever had in the 20+ years of teaching. On the other hand, it's a fresh start in a beautiful environment where I am valued and the way things have fallen into place, has been encouraging. I received an email from the new principal today, about the plans for next year (sent to all staff) and then one from the head of primary welcoming me and giving me an overview of Term 1 and the year ahead. 

The staff and board gave me a wonderful present that I am looking forward to using: It's a double hammock with a frame. The friendships I have made among the staff are very special and I kept telling them they are always welcome to come and visit and try out the new hammock. As I talked with one of my peers today, she reminded me that there isn't a Bible verse that says, God will only give you what you can handle. She said, "Quite the contrary; God gives you what you can't handle so that you learn to rely on Him. If you could handle it, you would have no need for God."

We got the quote for our removalist today and it's going to cost a little bit more than we expected but it's still worth it. In about ten days time, we will go and inspect some possible rentals that are close to the school. The other night at squash, a guy who was on my team a couple years ago turned up although he hadn't been around for ages. We got to talking and I told him we were leaving and where we were going. He had lived there for four years and told me some of the places where best to look for rentals and some of the places to avoid. He also gave me his phone number and said that if I need to, just text him and he'll tell me about the area I might look at. Andy then asked him if he had liked living there and the guy said that he absolutely loved it! 

So we'll go on a holiday for a few days and then begin packing for the next chapter of our life. I know Andy will find it hard to move to yet another new place and start all over again but together, we can do it. Sometimes it's like having a bucket, throwing in the hard and the good, swirling the bucket around and mixing it all together before pouring it out over me. It's a shower of blessings, love, friendships, goodbyes, challenges and adventure. It's about taking good memories of now to a new place where good memories can also be made. 

Sometimes though, I still want a taste of a 'boring, normal and unpredictable', if only for a moment.

I also want my sore throat to be better, to cough less and to go and enjoy a relaxing and refreshing holiday. 

Be like Milly and leap forward with excitement! 

Just Briefly

What about change?
It isn't rare
I've had enough
Now I want to share
Can't you see
I want to stay
But it's just time to move again
What about change....

It's a heat wave here at the moment and Milly is conked out on the floor, Andy is reading quietly beside me, the crickets are a-cricketing and I'm tapping at the 'puter keyboard, feeling somewhat overwhelmed but mostly having a lot of mixed emotions. It's almost the end of the school year and in fact, in two weeks time, I will be on holidays and finished work at the current primary school I am at. I've finished writing student reports and am also preparing for the Grade 6 graduation evening. Within the next two weeks, I would have attended the end of year presentation night and the staff Christmas break-up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the class I've had this year and the one I had last year, are definitely two of the best I've ever had. It's been a real blessing to share good times with them, watch them grow in their learning and maturity, as well as walk alongside them through tough times and good times.

Change is imminent yet again (she sighs) and I make plans, once again, with my hands (somewhat) open to the fact that plans do have a way of changing. Andy and I are about to move further north to a warmer climate and closer to the beach, as I start at another school, teaching Grade 3/4 in 2016 which I will 'love' according to the new principal. 

I am looking forward to the new position, the new people I will be friends with and my new environment.
I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to the people who have meant so much to me over the last couple years. You would think that by now, I had this down 'pat' but I don't. I was listening to a few of my grade five students talk about next year, before they knew I was leaving, and I almost cried. 

I know this is for the best and there's a part of me that wants to be 'there' now but I think that might be because I would prefer to skip the packing, the removalists, and the goodbyes. 

Two more weeks.
A lot of unpredictable things could happen in two weeks but I hope not. 

I'm Not Lucky

I've heard people say over the last couple of years, "You're so lucky" and those words make me cringe. 

Definition of lucky: having or bringing good fortune

2.

happening by chance, esp as desired

I don't believe things happen by chance  nor do I sit around waiting for something good to happen. I've had bad/sad things happen to me that weren't of my doing. I've made decisions and most of those decisions have had good or bad consequences. I am not responsible for the actions of others but their actions can also affect me.

At the end of 2012/beginning of 2013, I headed north to go on a road trip by myself. I was away for 5 weeks and visited places that I'd heard of and wanted to see. I didn't see any point in waiting for things to happen or waiting for someone to come along and travel with me. I visited Dubbo Zoo, Coffs Harbour, Country Music Festival at Tamworth, Wet n' Wild, Frazer Island and other places. I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, spent a day reading, rode a horse in the Blue Mountains on Australia Day and visited friends at the Snowy Mountains. I learned that I can do things by myself and I got to see bush, beach, mountains, country and city. I didn't do that trip by chance. It was a decision I made.

I've had hard times, grief and loss in my life. I've cried tears and felt anguish and wondered if life was worth living. I  know what stress feels like and I know what sadness is. It's not always my choice to go through loss. I didn't choose for my mum to die of cancer, I didn't choose for Dave to die after only 13 months of marriage and sometimes others' decisions have caused me hurt and pain. How I respond to those times is my choice and sometimes, choosing to acknowledge that I'm hurt and that I need to take time out is a good decision to make.

Last weekend, it I celebrated my 50th birthday (which isn't until the 8th October) with my friends and my son, Nathan and his wife. There, with me, was Andy, who actively looks for ways to serve me and show kindness. My friend Sharyn, of 28 or so years was there and there were friends who we've only just started to get to know. I am very blessed to have such beautiful and loyal friends. Perhaps I am lucky? I am thankful for the people and blessings in my life. Sometimes I might grouch about having to "begin all over again" for the umpteenth time, or might wish for more stability in my life, compare myself with others who have lived in the same place, with the same family, for more than half their life but I know that I have experienced, endured, enjoyed and embraced (at times) life. I choose not to live with regrets about decisions I have made.

I remember years ago, mum sharing with me about how someone had told her she was lucky. She told me that person had no idea of the trials and pain mum had been through in her life and only saw today's 'product'; who mum had become because of all she'd experienced. 

Perhaps I am more like my mum than even I had known and I am thankful for the example she had set for me. 

I'm going to continue to celebrate my life and be thankful for the gifts/people God has brought me. Lucky? No. Blessed? Totally!

Just Do It

Andy has gone to watch the football grandfinal in town and as they played, he texted me to let me know his team is leading but it's like watching a "country town final". While he is out, I have my music going and because he told me to and because I know I need to, I'm taking it easy. Right now the song playing is, "Why can't a woman be like a man?" from "My Fair Lady". 

      Why can't a woman be more like a man?
     Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
     Ready to help you through any mishaps.
     Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
     Why can't a woman be a chum?
     Why is thinking something women never do?
     Why is logic never even tried?
     Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
     Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?

I have had male friends tell me that I do too much thinking so obviously I don't fit all of 'enry 'iggins song. On the other hand, how do I straighten up 'the mess that's inside': the stress I feel, the niggling worry about what the future holds and what I should do to plan for an uncertain future, wondering how friends and family from afar are dealing with life, missing parts of my life that was in the US, missing friends and family, making the most of every day but knowing I fall short of what I could be doing, wondering how to "be" the best me I can be. And then I remind myself of what I was told not long ago but a wise man, "Carolanne! Why do you raise the bar so high for yourself and yet willingly show grace to others?! No one can make that bar, not even you!" I looked at him and replied, "But I should know better. I need to set a good example." He kindly replied, "You need to take the bar down, Carolanne."


Andy  bought this pink T-Shirt for me, not because it's a Nike T-Shirt but because of the slogan, "Just do it". For the last five weeks or so, there have been times when I've just had to put one foot in front of the other, or swim one more stroke or even, just put on work clothes and begin another day. One thing I notice though, is that no matter how hard it might be, there is always a surprise, a blessing or something that helps to bring a smile to my face and encourages me to take the next step. The other day, it was a colleague genuinely asking me how I was and she took the time to listen and then pray with me.

I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am loved even when I doubt myself and when I feel I have let others done. So, in a few weeks time, I celebrate 50 years of life with some of my family and friends and it will be a good time. I'll also be on a break from school for a couple weeks so Andy and I will be able to take some time off, walk by the beach and catch up with friends from Victoria. When I read my other blog posts, even when it seems like I haven't moved forward very fast, I am constantly reassured that one small step at a time, I am going forward and going forward with beautiful people who are walking alongside me with love.

This is the song playing at the moment which reassures me that I am not alone.

Your silent love comes over me
In the stillness of my memory
I feel your touch
I've heard you call
Your silent love remains unchanged and strong

My deepest hopes and fears are known
No private thought that can't be shown
And every wounded place I see
Is drawing me to you and you to me

So as each moment passes by
I look to you to guide my life
For I have come to understand
That nothing can remove me from your hand

One Less Stress

Well, I have officially unenrolled from doing a subject this semester at Uni. The subject, "Emotional and Behavioural Problems of Children and Adolescents" involves a lot of intense work, reading as well as a case study and although I was looking forward to it, I have decided that I needed to prioritise getting back to my physical health. This is week 3 and already I am behind in the readings which is adding to my stress.

I went to see a 'new' doctor today who my friend recommended me to see and this new doctor is very thorough. My blood pressure was high which is unusual for me and it could have been because I was anxious about seeing a new doctor. She has my medical records and knows that it was unusually high. In addition, she has suggested I have an X-ray on my left leg which is still hurting since the accident and even more so since she prodded it and pushed it. She thinks I may have bursitis. As I have been getting breathless after some activity, she has also said I need to have an ECG. She said I need to build up to doing exercise/activity so that I am doing it six times a week. I was feeling discouraged after my visit to the doctor even though she didn't surprise me with what she said.

I want/need to focus on getting healthy again and I am very fortunate to be married to a man who will do all he can to support me. Andy is willing to do whatever it takes and I know that if I need someone to walk with, swim with, play squash with, ride my bike with, he will be there to encourage me and share it with. In addition, I am going to take up water aerobics with a friend from work which will also help. I am glad I have taken this semester off as I was worried about how I could fit this in and now that I am not doing the study, I actually feel like a burden has been lifted. I can continue my studies next semester and will probably have more energy to do it.

On another note, Andy and I had a lovely time away recently. We enjoyed spending time with Nathan and Melanie while we were in Victoria and had fun sight seeing, doing new things and just having an adventure together. We walked along the beach, took photos of koalas that were so close, I could have patted one, climbed trees, and admired different views of mountains, beaches and rainforests. So much beauty to explore and enjoy!

The next school term is under way and I am really enjoying teaching my class. They are responsive and love learning. Some of them think I should be 'stricter' but I'm not sure what they mean by that - they get in trouble when they do something wrong and people often comment on how quiet my class works! Looking forward to the rest of the year with them.

Along the Road

Going along the road of life, one faces corners, bends and hills.
Reality is we don't know what's ahead and
Especially how much further it might be.
And so we drive on and on, 
Taking in the sights and anticipating the destination ahead.

On and on the road goes
Crossing over bridges, driving around unknown curves,
Enjoying the views, taking photos of the memorable
And talking, getting to know those who are with you on the same journey
Nurturing, encouraging and loving each other.

Roads can have their ups and downs and even 
Obstacles. Wildlife can jump in front of the car
And graze alongside the road so it's best to
Drive carefully and enjoy every unique moment.

Driving along the road during our travels, I thought of how it is like driving along the road of life and although it's a cliche and perhaps a corny way of thinking, to me it really is like that. Sometimes the road seems very long but you keep driving, hoping to make the destination sooner, rather than later. You get tired and need encouragement to keep going. That encouragement can come from someone else offering to drive for a bit or stopping when you see a koala in the tree and you take a photo. It can come from knowing that there's not much further to go and that the arrival will make the trip worthwhile.

The past few months have been very difficult for me and sometimes I feel torn between wanting to give up and run away and wanting to stay and make a difference. My uni study has been challenging but my friend Sharyn has given me invaluable help and I was so excited when I got my final grade for this subject which was the best yet so far in my Masters. Andy is so good to me and it's nice to come home from a long day at work, knowing that he believes in me and thinks I can do it - whatever 'it' is. I have some good friends who call and/or message me to find out how my day was and they are an incredible encouragement to me. There are people who love me and take the time to find out how I am 'really' and I appreciate that.

I am constantly reminded to make the most of every opportunity and be thankful for every good gift/blessing that is given to me. <-- Those are the things that encourage me to keep going when life is tough. Last week, when were on holidays, the cleaning lady was very friendly and before we left, I wrote her a note to thank her. As we were driving away, she came back out to the car with tears in her eyes and thanked me. I have no idea what she might be going through but I pray she finds hope in her life. I know there are friends around me who have struggles and trials in their life too and like my mum used to say, "Each pain is your own and you can't compare it to others."  So, keep driving forward but take a break and enjoy the scenery when you can. Remember that ad: "Break the drive. Stay alive."