Yesterday, I sat down to have a meeting with one of the staff members and she brought up the subject of next year and I was reminded that the job I have at the moment, is only until the end of the year. She made some constructive suggestions as to what I need to do to continue/pursue employment with this school and also gave me some ideas for next term. It was encouraging..... and discouraging. It wasn't her fault it was discouraging... it was the reminder that I have to be proactive about my plans for next year and beyond. It was the reminder that I have to consider what I want to do, where I want to live and what my dreams are for living in this world.
On top of that, I was having a "Miss you so much, Dave" kind of day. I was sitting eating my lunch with my students, when one train of thought led to Dave and one of the memories we shared. It seemed that my mind kept skipping from the present, to my time with Dave and I so badly wanted to be with him. It is probable that some of that was precipitated by her question about my future. After all, thinking further ahead, wasn't something I had needed to do on my own a year ago. A year ago, my thoughts, plans and dreams were being shared with Dave and he and I were looking to a future together. Australia, teaching here, being on my own was not in the picture, at all.
That evening, I went out for dinner with 2 friends from school and later, I showed Rebecca the "Hamish and Andy Gap Year" DVD and pointed out to her where Dave and I stood and then turned, next to the combine harvester they used in the demolition derby and Hamish and Andy were nearby. As I talked to her later, I looked above her head to the photo collage I had made of Dave and I, soon after Dave had passed away. When I crawled into my warm bed (thanks to the electric blanket) my thoughts were of Dave and the fun we had shared together. My thoughts also turned to the present and future and I cried a little to think of having to make decisions about a future without Dave.
I got up much too early this morning to get to my hairdressing appointment. I have needed a cut and colour for ages and it's been driving me crazy but with so much happening lately, (i.e. report writing) I kept putting it off. I told her I wanted to go a shade darker which is closer to my normal hair colour and that I wanted it all chopped off to look tidy again and be manageable. That done, she asked me if I wanted it dried straight or curly. I told her I didn't care and she told me that in the big, wide world we have to make decisions so she wanted me to make a decision. I looked at her and said, "Widows are not supposed to make any major decisions in the first year after their spouse has passed away, so considering all the huge decisions I have made, I think I'm above my quota for now!" She agreed, laughed, took it back, dried my hair straight and also booked in my next hair appointment without asking me.
I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype and even Dan and Rhonda, a little bit. I miss them so much. It sometimes surprises me how much I love Dave's family and how much they love me. I am so blessed to have such wonderful in-laws and their love, encouragement and support helps to get me through some tough times, more than they could ever know. Sometimes when I am missing Dave or when I'm having a tough day, even if it's just dealing with day-to-day type stuff, it helps to think of them and to know that they're praying for me, that they know how much I love Dave and that they're only a skype call away.
Another thing I was thinking about was how losing a spouse is not something one can prepare for. Well, I know 'death' is tough but I have lost my mum, I have lost grandparents, lost relatives and friends and even a pet dog but nothing compares to losing Dave. Nothing compares to having start my life all over again, still very much in love and yet on my own with no way to fulfill our dreams and plans or even the days, with him.
I don't want to make decisions. I don't know what I want or even what I can expect my future to be. Life changes and dreams don't unfold the way we sometimes hope them to be. I don't want to make a decision that will change my life all over again. I just want to stay put. I ordered a poster recently which has this quote: "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." This part of my grief journey is tough. There's a part of me that wants to get on with life, move forward and be willing to take risks and there's a part of my heart screaming out to not put myself in a place where I have to become vulnerable again, where I might have to deal with change and loss all over again.
On the plus side of life, I have told Adrian that I really want to buy Monty. He's willing to help me get used to taking care of Monty and will give me some 'how to' lessons which I really appreciate. It helps that I have two weeks coming up that are student free in which to catch up on sleep, housework, friends, fun, school... and Monty! Dan has told me to watch "The Full Monty" so since he told me to, I will. I hope he and Rhonda don't figure out that if they tell me to do something, I probably will.
I went to church this morning and still find it difficult. I'm not sure why it's like that - perhaps I need to keep visiting other churches, perhaps it's just me. The sermon was good and so was the music. The sermon was from Jonah 1 and talked about what is in our secret hold. A great illustration she shared was that a tic was found in her body and she asked how to get it out. The chemist told her that tics burrow clockwise, like a screw, and they need to be pulled out anti-clockwise. She said how sometimes secret things e.g. pride and worry, burrow in as the clock ticks around but they still need to be pulled out.
The last few days I've been doing some thinking and sorting out in this ol' mind of mine. I've been thinking about mountain tops and struggles as I prepare for staff devotions next week and I remembered a quote from "The Noticer" about how we have to come down off the mountain, go through the valley.. that we slog through.. learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak. I printed out the quote and will laminate it to stick it next to my desk in my classroom but the following words really spoke to my heart:
"So my contention is that you are right where you are supposed to be... Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon, you will become."
I am right where I am supposed to be. I may not like the way I got here but I am where I am supposed to be. I do think, learn and pray but my attitude has been that I am in a holding place and I'm grieving so I don't want to make myself vulnerable and plan and dream. Yet, that is what I should do. Plan. Dream.
Next Tuesday - only 2 days away - marks the day that would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. I have talked about it a lot so that it's become less secret and I know people are praying for me. I have even told my students who can be quite sensitive. I've done some thinking about them too. My beautiful mom (in law) said to me that she is thankful that my students have me for their teacher and I am thankful that she believes in me. On Friday though, my students didn't have a good day and when they had a couple specialist subjects, they misbehaved, badly and they were very remorseful at the end of the day when it was time to go home. One girl said, "It's not the teacher's fault, it's ours" and they all agreed. I did tell them that they need to take responsibility for their own behaviour and that they shouldn't blame others. We had a time of praying together and at one time when I opened my eyes, a saw a boy with his arm on another boy's shoulder as he prayed for him and for the others who were so upset.
Much of my time this year, I have focussed on trying to change their behaviour in order to be able to teach them and sometimes I have missed seeing the heart of these children. What I have been doing is not bad but they really need to be given a lot of love with firm boundaries. On Tuesday, we're going to put aside the books and worksheets for some of the time, while we have fun with together. They are going to write encouragement notes for each other and put them inside a goody bag I have made for them and I will get them to make cards for the other teachers they have. We will talk about the good things they have to be thankful for and talk about their worries and concerns and we will play some educational games as well. I will probably take my guitar in so we can sing, too. It sounds good and I hope it will be but I do know that some children can get too impulsive and react in an inappropriate way during unstructured activities so I will need to keep an eye on that as well. Being my wedding anniversary, I think it will be helpful for my students and for me.
It's winter time here and although the sun was shining when I left church this morning, it is now cold and has rained. My toes are cold inside my socks and slippers and I am sitting directly in front of the heater. I want to go and play/groom horses this afternoon so I hope it clears up soon.
Which brings me to some more exciting news! After the weekend of looking at horses, I was feeling a bit discouraged because I realised that I probably don't have the time to commit to owning a horse yet. While I'm saving up to buy a western saddle, which are not very common here in Australia, I also want to go away and visit friends, too. I figured out that what I really want is to be able to go play/groom a horse and ride it but that it might have to wait for a while. (This photo was taken when I first met Stormy and Dee.)
A friend on the staff at school, suggested I call her husband as he has a few horses and he might be able to help me. When I called him, I told him a condensed version of why I wanted a horse and what I can be committed to and he told me he had two thoroughbreds for sale but that I could come out, look them over, groom them, ride them later when I'm ready and that he would also give me some tips as well before I commit to buying them. He keeps his horses on a farm about 10 minutes drive from my home. I was so excited. I then commented that I didn't have a saddle yet and he said, "That's OK, I have a few saddles. I have western saddles". That clinched it for me. I hadn't even mentioned that I wanted a western saddle so when he said that, I realised just how much God loves me and looks after me, even down to the smallest detail!
The two thoroughbreds are about 13 years old and one is 17 hands, as Stormy is and the other is about Dee's size. Choose between them? In my heart, I know that I want to own more than one horse and if the price is right and if I can find a place to keep them, and if I fall in love with both of them, it's just possible that I will buy both. (Like I did last time.) In the meantime, it's also report writing time so I need to get stuck into that too. A couple years ago when I was heading for the States I said to Dave, "Yay! The one thing I won't miss about teaching, is writing reports!!" He laughed and now here I am again, procrastinating from report writing. Some things never change.
Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon, you will become.
As I have to speak next Thursday for staff devotions, I thought I would share this video clip. I was on the roster to speak on Tuesday, 12th June 2012 but I was allowed to swap it since that would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. This song is my 2nd favourite at the moment but it does remind me, that no matter what I go through, God is faithful and He is there beside me the whole time!
I will not be overcome!
My mum used to have a book called, "Where Does A Mother Go To Resign" and to be honest, more than a few times have I wondered, "Where does a widow go to resign?" The world moves on and I move forward in autopilot. I feel crowded on every side, not being able to see past this moment, yet vaguely hoping that there will come a time when I'm not merely going through the motions but will really enjoy life. Vainly I keep waiting for Dave to come home to me, knowing that he won't but still wishing he would. I remember our brief marriage together and remember the conversation we had about our age difference when I said, "If we only have 6 years together, it will be worth it." Neither of us expected our marriage, Dave's life, to end so abruptly and so soon. It hurts bad!
I clutch at straws trying to find something that will awaken in me, a purpose for my life. Last week I looked at 2 horses for sale. My thoughts are that if I have my own horse, it will be as though I have brought something of my life with Dave, into my present life now. Practically speaking, having a horse that I have to agist, commit myself to and yet not knowing what tomorrow will bring overwhelms and discourages me. I want to ride but does it fit in to my life as it is right now? Ideally, it would be great if I had a friend who lived nearby and who owned a horse I could just ride and groom but none of my friends do.
My class is challenging as one could expect with two-thirds of the class being 8 and 9 year old boys. Finding a way to engage them in learning, a way to help them focus in a classroom when they'd rather be outside stamping in puddles or playing football, is no mean feat. While I try to cater for them, I can not forget the other third of the class who would be quite happy spending a few hours chatting socially, or like to read when all else is mayhem around them, and some have taken an interest in horses, too. I scour books, websites and memories, trying to discover the key to helping each individual student realise just how talented they are and how important it is to focus on their learning so that they can grow up with the ability to use their gifts and skills profitably.
In the meantime, it's been 10 months and 2 days since Dave passed away and our wedding anniversary is in 8 days time. I don't know how to face that day. It's not like celebrating his life on his birthday - this is more personal. I am thankful for the 13 months and 3 weeks of our marriage but it wasn't long enough. It would be pitiful to go out and buy jewelry just because Dave had promised that one day, when we could afford it, he would buy me jewelry. If I had friends over, what do we do? Look at wedding photos? I can't have a romantic dinner.
That is part of the reason I was hoping to have a horse by now. I thought that going riding would be a good way to remember our marriage. I have to work that day anyway. And that brings up another question. What frame of mind will I be in, when I teach that day? Should I take a 'personal day'? And yet, I might be fine and the distraction might be good. I know that God will give me the strength to get through that day.
Some mornings I wake up with tears still on my cheeks. Some nights I am still crying when I fall asleep. Some days I make my mind think about something totally boring to keep the tears away. I thought by now, I would be past this point in grief but instead, the last two weeks have been harder, probably because of Memorial weekend and because our wedding anniversary date looms closer. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being strong and I am tired of trying to move forward when all I want is to 'stop the world, so I can get off.' I try to be positive but there are days I just want to be given permission to shout, "This is not fair!"
I want someone to come alongside me and just allow me to cry and be weak. Someone who wouldn't feel uncomfortable by my tears and who wouldn't ask me to be strong and get over it. Someone who cares enough to be silent, make me hot chocolate, pour me a diet coke or plays a board game with me. I want someone to know and care if I'm having a bad day and yet, everyone else is moving forward with their lives, their family, their spouses, children and friends.
Life goes on. I know I have friends and family who love me and who care but I am still alone at home and still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and start all over again: in my work, my friendships, my home, my possessions, my leisuretime activities and my finances etc. I haven't found a church yet where I have felt I belong. It's hard to put down roots when I don't know if this is where I will be in another year's time, or even two or three year's time. I've always tried to make wherever I live, my home but right now, having been torn out of the life I shared with Dave, I don't want to be so vulnerable again. To be honest, I don't know what I want and making any decisions is all too hard for me.
I don't have a choice about some things. I will keep moving forward, swept along by life, going through the motions, trying to be positive and be strong so that, maybe one day, I'll wake up and know that I am going to live life rather than just drift along in my grief, in this life.
I still count the days since Dave passed away. It surprises me the depth of my love for him and how it doesn't take much to make me cry more tears for missing him. As I plod through life without his presence, I'm aware of how much I had made him part of me and how I loved being in the strength of who he was, looking forward to what we could share together. There's a song that Laura Story sings that has the last line, "Please come home." and everytime I hear it, I cry and even now as I write that, the tears well up in my eyes. (Now I understand that expression - tears well up). I want Dave to come home. I know that is unrealistic because he is already "Home" but I miss him so much.
Memorial weekend has just passed in the US and it made me mindful of Dave and how he served in the 101st Airborne Screaming Eagles during the time of the Vietnam war. It also made me remember Dave's burial and how the Honor Guard and Patriot Guard Riders thanked me for Dave's service to his country. I was presented with an American flag and with a medallion. I still remember how humbled I felt and yet proud, of yet another part of Dave's story and contribution to life.
As June 2nd approaches, it will be 10 months exactly since Dave passed away.
As June 12th approaches, I remember our first anniversary, our 'redneck' weekend at a combine harvester's demolition derby. June 12th 2012 would have marked our 2nd anniversary together. We didn't even get 2 years of married life together!!! It's hard to believe that two years ago, I was in the States beginning the rest of my life with Dave and yet, here I am, already back in Australia after our life had barely begun together.
August 2nd is the 1st anniversary of Dave's death. It is also the day we have parent-teacher interviews. I can not imagine how I will be feeling that day and how I will deal with interviews. God give me strength!
September 23rd will be the day that I have been a widow for the same length of time that I was married to Dave.
October 8th is my birthday.
October 14th will mark the anniversary of the day that I arrived back in Australia after Dave passed away.
You might look at some of those dates and wonder why I have them in the back of my mind. That's just who I am. I am especially thinking of Dave as our wedding anniversary date draws near. I hope I am not asked to do staff devotions that day. If I am, I will ask to change to a different date, for sure.
I am surprised at how much hurt and pain I still continue to feel. There are days when I do much better but always, in the back of my mind, is Dave.
Last week a friend was telling me that when she had a bad day, she would go online shopping because "brown paper packages tied up with string" was one of her favourite things. She loved getting packages in the mail and I must admit that I do too. I love buying something that will give me more ideas for teaching and encouraging my students, buying a good music book, CD or a fiction story to read. I look forward to receiving that package and if I've sent it to school, the office staff will see me daily saying, "Has my book from Blake arrived yet?" and they're happy when it finally comes too. Sometimes I am disappointed that I got rid of so many of my teaching resources when I went to the States but it is good buying new things that are appropriate for where I'm at now. I also get to visit other teachers and check out their ideas and resources which helps to remind me of things I used to do in my classroom.
On Sunday I got to skype with my brother-in-law Dan and his wife Rhonda, and he opened up the birthday present I had sent him. It was fun to watch him open it and read the inscription in a book, play with the wind-up toy crocodile (actually Rhonda played with it) and then open up the puzzle. I love giving even more than receiving!
On Monday after a typically challenging day, I went home and opened up a package from a Christian bookstore that had posters, CDs and a book in it. I had ordered the goods last week so I was excited about it being delivered already. I took out the "mauve mug with Hope written on it" which was the description at the website and looked at it closely. Hope seems to be a theme for this year and certainly on this day, I needed a good dose of hope. Inside the rim of the mug it said, "My hope is in the Lord all day long." I chuckled to myself and repeated the words to my heart. The posters were great and I looked forward to putting them up in my classroom.
Today my students had to "perform" at Chapel and the verse they were sharing was "Luke 17:3 So, watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them." We turned it into a kind of rhythm/chant with one half of the class echoing what the other half said. I then narrated the story of Jacob and Esau while the students acted it out. They did a good job and I was very proud of them. One of the teacher's has asked me to send a student to her grade one class so that they can learn the verse the way we recited it. We went to the computer lab and after they had googled, "Australian Endangered Animals" I showed them a youtube clip with that topic which they enjoyed.
It was a good day and after stopping at the bakery for tomorrow's lunch, I drove home. On the doorstep was another poster that had been on backorder from Koorong bookstore and in the letterbox was a small package. I pulled the package out and looked at the sender. What a pleasant surprise Janice had sent me! In the package was a DVD of a play the students at Southside Christian school in Spokane had performed called, "A Hat for Ivan". The story was based on the book by Max Lucado. Janice and Tami had bought it for me knowing that I would enjoy it. I cried almost the whole way through it as it brought back wonderful memories of teaching at Southside and as I recognised those kids sharing a special message that we all need to remember. At the end of the DVD, I wanted to just wrap my arms around all the staff and students at that school and give them a big hug!!!!
I am so privileged to have been a part of their school family in 2010 and 2011. I am so blessed that I have thoughtful people in my life who will send me gifts for no other reason than because they love me and think I am worth the 'special treat'. One of our good friends, George, sent me an email entitled, "You Still Have Hope" and it said:
You Still Have Hope
If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope.
If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower, then you still have hope.
If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly, then you still have hope.
If the smile of a child can still warm your heart, then you still have hope.
If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope.
If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep, then you still have hope.
If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder, then you still have hope.
If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips, then you still have hope.
If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope.
If you give people the benefit of a doubt, then you still have hope.
If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life, then you still have hope.
If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise, then you still have hope.
If the suffering of others still fills your with pain and frustration, then you still have hope.
If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end, then you still have hope.
If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection, then you still have hope.
If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the supper, then you still have hope.
If you can look to the past and smile, then you still have hope.
If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile,you can still look up and end the conversation with the phrase..."yeah...BUT.," then you still have hope.
Hope is such a marvelous thing.
It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break.
It sustains us when nothing else can.
It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead, when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.
Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.
Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.
Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.
Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return.
And it can be found in each of us,
and it can bring light into the darkest of places.
NEVER LOSE HOPE!
I was only going to use a part of that email but all of the words are great. I am thankful that I still have hope. Thank you to all those people who pray for me and who believe in me. Thanks for your encouragement. Because of your love and encouragement, I know what it is to have hope. Even though I miss Dave so much, even though my grief seems to make my heart break over and over again, even when I wear one of his shirts, or dream of him being alive again, I still have hope.
I decided to check out Ebay today as I saw a pretty lamp in a store that I was tempted to buy but then thought I'd look around a bit more, in case there was another one that I would prefer. I went to Ebay and typed in the search bar "western saddles", not lamps. I browsed saddles for a while, went back to lamps and now I'm thinking of looking at horses for sale and agistment possibilities, in this area.
I read on Facebook, "The passion for riding is something that is hard to describe. It's something you need, almost like air or water. There's a special moment. You have a ride one day on a horse, that's just magical. Where it's just you and the horse and you feel the motion and the power of the gallop. All of your senses attack, everything fires. You feel like you just conquered the world. (Gina Miles)
"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being. If you never love a horse... you will never understand."
Every now and again I remind myself of my hope to own a horse one day, but at the same time, I am not in a hurry to get a horse. I want to know for sure, that I can take the time and effort that is required for looking after a horse. I want to have a horse when I know for sure, where my home is. I love being here. I love the job I have and I love the people I work with and the children I teach. It's not perfect but for now, I know that I am in the right place.
Sometimes as pieces of the puzzle fall into place, I am aware of pieces that are missing in my life and also aware that some of those pieces will not ever be put back into the place I had reserved.. for him, in my heart, always. It's a cold, Saturday night and my mind keeps going back to cold Saturday nights, sitting with Dave, watching TV and snuggling together. As I 'complete' another challenging week, I wish I could share it with him. I talked to Dave's brother/best friend earlier today, I talked to Dave's daughter, Dianne and to Dave's mom as well. Talking to them, reminds me of the beautiful family I married into and how much I miss them all as they go on with their lives on the other side of the world.
But to be honest, I don't know what I want and what I do want, I want now. Surprisingly though, I can't play my guitar, use my sewing machine and walk on the cross trainer, all at the same time. I am pleased that I seem to be wanting to sing again and I'll sing in the car, around the house, and sometimes, in the classroom, I'll turn my words into a song such as: "Put your chairs down and sit on the floor, sit on the floor, sit on the floor. Put your chairs down and sit on the floor.. It's Monday morning."
Today, a lady was inviting me to her church and it sounded good and I've been visiting different churches but even yet, I can't make up my mind about what I want and where I want to be. Perhaps it's all just part of walking along the trail that I've been given. I want to make plans but I don't know if I can. And if I can, will those dreams be taken away from me again, in a year's time? I don't want to give and invest in something, just so it can be snatched away from me.
On the other hand, I am giving and investing and wanting to live again. I've just finished reading the book "The Traveller's Gift" by Andy Andrews which outlines seven decisions for overcoming life's challenges and obstacles and for moving forward in life. Number 4 is summarised as "I have a decided heart. My destiny is assured." Number 5 is, "Today I choose to be happy. I am the possessor of a grateful heart." and Number 7 is "I will persist without exception. I will find a way where there is no way. I am a person of great faith." For each of the 7 decisions, an example is shared using the life of a person in history. Each decision was good to read but something that stood out to me was that we have a choice and every decision we make has further reaching consequences, affecting others' even more than we might know. I also liked this quote from the book, "Until you have accomplished what you were put on this earth to do, you will not -- you cannot -- be harmed!"
I am also trying to apply number 5 to my life which used the example of Anne Frank, the young jewish girl who, in the midst of her very trying circumstances, chose to be happy. Every morning she would wake up and laugh and set the right tone for the day. As I talk to people and learn their stories, I realise that others go through trying times and get hurt along the way. I am not the only one who has lost and although I have lost greatly, to dwell on my loss means I don't see as clearly, the blessings that I can take hold of today. So, even when my students are challenging or when I worry about what the future holds, or whether or not I will ever ride a horse of my own, I need to choose to be thankful at this moment, forgiving myself and others, and make decisions that are sound and beneficial, not only for me, but those around me. There are a lot of people in my life and I want them to be encouraged and see, by my example, there is hope even in the darkest of times.
On top of that, I was having a "Miss you so much, Dave" kind of day. I was sitting eating my lunch with my students, when one train of thought led to Dave and one of the memories we shared. It seemed that my mind kept skipping from the present, to my time with Dave and I so badly wanted to be with him. It is probable that some of that was precipitated by her question about my future. After all, thinking further ahead, wasn't something I had needed to do on my own a year ago. A year ago, my thoughts, plans and dreams were being shared with Dave and he and I were looking to a future together. Australia, teaching here, being on my own was not in the picture, at all.
I got up much too early this morning to get to my hairdressing appointment. I have needed a cut and colour for ages and it's been driving me crazy but with so much happening lately, (i.e. report writing) I kept putting it off. I told her I wanted to go a shade darker which is closer to my normal hair colour and that I wanted it all chopped off to look tidy again and be manageable. That done, she asked me if I wanted it dried straight or curly. I told her I didn't care and she told me that in the big, wide world we have to make decisions so she wanted me to make a decision. I looked at her and said, "Widows are not supposed to make any major decisions in the first year after their spouse has passed away, so considering all the huge decisions I have made, I think I'm above my quota for now!" She agreed, laughed, took it back, dried my hair straight and also booked in my next hair appointment without asking me.
On the plus side of life, I have told Adrian that I really want to buy Monty. He's willing to help me get used to taking care of Monty and will give me some 'how to' lessons which I really appreciate. It helps that I have two weeks coming up that are student free in which to catch up on sleep, housework, friends, fun, school... and Monty! Dan has told me to watch "The Full Monty" so since he told me to, I will. I hope he and Rhonda don't figure out that if they tell me to do something, I probably will.
