If wishes....

Last Friday was the 12th June and therefore, five years since Dave and I got married. I don't know if anyone else thought about that day last Friday but I did. The day was sunny and we had about fifty friends and family gather together to celebrate our new beginning in Washington State, USA. I remember waiting on the steps with my bridal attendants while people kept coming and Dave kept talking but after the ceremony and the BBQ, the day was over and we were on our way to begin our new life together. Five years. It seems so long ago and yet, not so. It sometimes seems like it didn't even happen but then I dig up memories out of the cobwebs of my mind and remember things that happened in the short space of thirteen months. Tractors, horses, tubing, boats, basketball and snow, hikes through the woods, the Olive Garden, Applebee's and IHOP (International House of Pancakes). New friends, new family, new relationships built. These are just a few of my treasured memories. Thirteen months later, Dave had passed away and I remember sitting in my car about to leave and go back to Australia. Crying. 

Life goes on and I move forward with it because, quite frankly, the other option is not very appealing. It is so important to live life without regrets. We can't change the past and if we hold on to the hurt and grief, the pain can take hold of us and hinder us from enjoying the life we have to live. There is so much of life waiting out there, so many adventures to be had, so many new memories to make. While there are days that I could easily say "Enough already!" I know that the 'next step' might be the best one yet, or if not, it could be the one after that. Although I have not done so, a bucket list seems like a good idea. What would you do if you only had a year to live and could do anything you want to do?

I wish I could.
I wish I had the money to do what I dream of doing, to do what I love doing and not have to worry about bills and other costs.
I wish I had the time to take off and go places I would like to explore. 
I wish I could own and ride a horse, off into the sunset until sunrise and then again.
I can wish all I like but wishing doesn't turn dreams into reality and doesn't make things happen. All I can do is take steps to make it happen and all along the way, embrace the days I have been given as a surprise gift. It's sort of like walking along the garden trail. I set off on a track with the 'goal' in mind but along the way, I enjoy the views and enjoy the rugged tracks. I enjoy the bends and newness of each part of the track that I have to travel before I reach my goal.

Imagine if I gave up on living. Imagine the blessings I would have missed out on: the road trip around the Eastern part of Australia, moving to new places, making new friends and renewing old friendships, beginning a teaching job in a "new" school with a wonderful class and enrolling in a University course to study something I am passionate about - counselling children. Imagine all the songs I have sung and heard and the sands I have walked along at the beach.

Imagine if I hadn't have opened my heart to love and be loved by Andy. He is a man wanting to serve me and make me happy. He even puts me first. For example, he willingly gives up going to footy training so that I can study with my friend Sharyn to get my assignment completed. He wishes he could give me all that I have dreamed of and he encourages me to keep moving forward. I asked him questions I read on Facebook and one of them said, "If your wife was to become famous, what would it be for?" He replied, "For being a psychologist or being an author/photographer". One of the things he admires about me is he thinks I have determination and that I keep going even when it gets tough. Yes, he sees me when I am feeling overwhelmed and sees me when I want to give up. He gives me hugs and reassures me. He has taken me close to his heart. I am thankful for Andy.

My life has changed dramatically year after year over the past five years and sometimes I am really tempted to give up - as if I even had a choice. I don't like making decisions and I find it hard to dream and make plans when life has proven it doesn't always turn out that way. I get overwhelmed and find it hard to get motivated when I am in such a state which doesn't bode well when I have an assignment due. I know that there are better things to come but I also know that before then, there is work to be done and issues to be resolved. Recently a song by Sanctus Real was playing on my iPad and the lyrics were something I could easily relate to:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again.

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

There are verses in Ecclesiastes 3 that say, "He has made everything beautiful in its time.... I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God." and in Lamentations 3:22,23 "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Today is a gift. Not only don't we know what tomorrow holds, we don't even know if we'll be able to enjoy it. Live today and make every moment count.

Soar Like An Eagle

      When I was in my teenage years, my thoughts and beliefs were black and white absolutes that were clearly defined. I loved life and anticipated the future with enthusiasm. I knew that making right choices was all anyone needed to do if they wanted to have a good, guilt-free life. As a newly-wed someone accused me of being innocent and naive and I scoffed and was miffed by their comment and a colleague added that when I had my own children, I wouldn't be so black and white. They were trying to assure me that life wasn't so simple and straightforward. I heard a quote back then, "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys and I laughed and thought it must be true.

     Now, 25+ years of life later, I look back on who I was then, untarnished by hurt and loss and wonder if I have changed. The simple answer is yes and no. Life has happened and I've continued to move forward and grow. Some of those thoughts and beliefs are the foundation of who I am. I still want to soar like an eagle and pursue excellence in all I do. I still recognise the importance of making right choices but I also know that others' choices can have an effect on my circumstances.

     Last night Andy and I were watching a TV show called "The Living Room" and a professional organizer was called in to help a family who needed to declutter their living space. They had way too much stuff! While they were sorting through their mountains of clothes and furniture, dividing the useful and needed from the useless and unnecessary, another team was brought in to redecorate and renovate their home into something modern and more practical. It was said that when people are feeling overwhelmed by life circumstances, it only takes someone to help them with the first step in moving forward to get them back on track and motivated once again. 

     This week I have been unwell and have had two days off sick. It started as a heavy cold and even today Andy said my voice doesn't sound good. It's OK if I don't talk and I don't have a sore throat.. The reason I tell you this is because when I am unwell, I have too much time to think and dwell on what is happening in my life so everything I am about to say, needs to be put into that perspective.

     I love my job. I love my class and it was really lovely to come back to work and have them all excited about me being back. They are enthusiastic about learning and I see them as children who are going on to being teenagers and then, adults. With that, they have all the confusion of  wanting independence, of being influenced by social media that doesn't always reflect godly values and of the innocence of childhood being tarnished at times, by the circumstances and choices of others around them without necessarily having the resources and 'wisdom' they need to make wise and discerning choices. 

     About ten years ago, someone asked me what I would do if a) I ever gave up teaching and b) where do I want to be in ten years time. I replied that "if" I ever gave up teaching, I would become a counsellor for children as my work has opened my eyes to the pain and hurt children go through and yet, they don't seem to have people equipped to help them. I also said that I don't make long term plans because my experience is that life doesn't always go the way we plan. Yet, here I am studying my Masters of Education, majoring in guidance and counselling. People ask me if I am going to follow the counsellor field when I am finished my course. The course I am doing helps me in my teaching in a practical sense now so I don't feel that I will be giving up teaching any time soon. On the other hand, I am also open to opportunities that might arise from doing this course. 

     I came home yesterday, feeling discouraged and watching the TV show didn't help. Where is the 'kickstart' I need to continue on the path I have chosen? Why am I working full-time and studying part-time when it requires so much effort and time? Why can't we just pack up and leave and find a place to run away to? After all, we're not getting any younger and it would be nice to have the time and money to enjoy the beach more often or go on an overseas holiday, or visit the outback of Australia. Why is life so challenging? 

     I did a Facebook quiz and although the results aren't always accurate, it said this about me: "You are hungry for adventure and excited about life, but you are also very humble and sincere. You are a great problem solver and have a balanced perspective about things." I appreciated a conversation I had with my good friend Sonya. She said, "I think your passion is your students and you are following your passion and your gifting, skills and training. You aim high because you have healthy self-respect and care about what you do." I really needed to hear those words.

     On the plus side, I got a good mark for my assignment - the best I have had so far which means a little of the pressure can be taken off for the next assignment. I need to get motivated again so I can complete it on time but being sick, it has been hard to focus on studying about the theory of assessment and testing students and why students have behavioural issues etc.

     And speaking about counting your blessings: While I've been sick, Andy has done all he can to look after me. When he was going out to homegroup the other night, he put next to my bed: a glass of diet coke, a glass of water, chips, chocolate and Panadol (headache tablets) so that I wouldn't need to get up while he was gone. During the afternoon, he went outside to hit a few golf balls and left the back door open saying, "If you need anything, just call and I'll come back inside". I thank him and he replies "It's what any husband would do." I tell him it's not but he still shrugs it off. 

     I guess what I'm trying to say is, even when life seems too hard, God still puts good things in my life to help me get through it. As Sonya reminded me, having friends in so many places means that I have a lot of love coming to me from all those directions. So I will persevere and move forward knowing that there is a purpose behind it and I am loved. Besides, when I look back and see all the great stuff I have lived, life is still an adventure and there's more to live and enjoy!

Mother's Day 2015

Every year since 1999, I approach Mother's Day with mixed feelings. My mum passed away on June 11th that year and I remember the following Mother's Day being really upset. For me, Mother's Day was all about honouring my mum and now she was gone, it was hard to be happy on Mother's Day. I remember going to church and someone asking me how I was - someone who didn't have children of their own and when I tried to say how I felt, she replied, "Well, you have Nathan so now you have to be happy because you're his mum". Wham!

It did get better after years but I still miss my mum. There are so  many times I want to call mum and tell her good news, sad news, happy news and share with her my hopes and dreams. There are so many people I want to introduce to my mum knowing she would love them too. My mum was someone who loved her family unconditionally, who was herself even when others had expectations for her and at a church picnic, she would leave the chatter of the other women and get up and join in with playing cricket. My mum cried and she laughed, she talked and she listened. She wasn't perfect and didn't claim to be. Mum was a good example of a woman who loved, was kind to all and who did what she thought was right and had a desire to see others be at peace with God.

My journey through life has had it's share of ups and downs, of loss, of pain, of happiness and of reasons to be thankful. I know that had mum been alive, she would have walked through every step of that journey with me and would have encouraged me and continued to believe in me. She would  never have given up on me. Perhaps she would have argued and disagreed with some of my choices but I  know she would have still believed in me and trusted me. Mum was a good example of the kind of mother I want to be.

Nathan and I have had good times and challenging times in our relationship but I hope he has always known how much I love him and want to be there for him, in the same way my mum was for me.

I was looking over some photos today and it was great to remember how many happy times we have shared together. We talked on the phone today but I miss him and wish he and his wife Mel lived closer! 

I love Dave's mother. I know that she continues to pray for me and for Andy too and I am so grateful to God for giving me the family He did, because of Dave. Since our move, I haven't talked to her in ages thanks to being offline for a few weeks and having to catch up in study and I miss her.

Andy's mum passed away when Andy was in his 20's so he too knows what it's like to lose a mum.

There's an older lady I play squash with and sometimes she says she's my mum. She says that because she wants me to play 'easier' on her although she and I both know that we don't want that to happen. One of the teachers at school the other day said that if she had ever had a daughter, she would have been 'naughty' like me. I love Avis and Andy plays golf with her every week so now he gets to play with his 'adopted' mother-in-law.

So although yesterday I was dreading Mother's Day, today I was thankful for it. I was thankful for the mothers God has put in my life. Andy and I went for a walk up the mountain near our house in honour of our mothers. We took chocolate cake with us but by the time we got there, I was too out of breath to eat it and so I enjoyed it when we got back home. It was a good photo opportunity and I felt glad to have finally climbed it after two years of living here. Yes, it reminded me I need to get fitter and it also reminded me that since my accident, I don't have quite the same flexibility but it was good.

Andy has done all he can to make this day good for me. He bought me gifts, gave me breakfast in bed and happily walked up the mountain with me. Since he's been wanting to do that with me for more than 12 months and had all but given up on it ever happening, one could say he might even have been a little excited about walking up there with Milly and I. All day, he has enquired after my happiness and contentment, looking for ways to please me and making sure that I have a happy mother's day. I am thankful that I have a husband who desires to serve me.

Happy Mother's Day to all those mothers who are reading this and if your mum is still alive, give her an extra hug and be thankful for the life you share with her.

Jump Puddles and Laugh

This morning as I enjoyed breakfast in bed, I listened to the sounds of magpies, bellbirds, and kookaburras while dogs barked and lawns were being mowed. Andy thinks there is not a day go by when someone isn't out mowing their lawns in this small town. The day has been particularly overcast and this week the weather was very wet and cold. (relatively speaking) Friday at school was a wet day program and to curb the restlessness and possible misbehaviour that can occur when students are forced to stay indoors all day, I switched to a low-key day and although we did tests and studies, we also sang songs during their usual choir time, watched clips of Wizard of Oz during a break and played indoor volleyball with the children sitting opposite each other and trying to hit a balloon over the heads of their opposition in order to score points.

One child commented that "All we've done is sing and play today" so I quickly reminded him of all the work we had done. It was a good day for all of us and I reflected that I need to make the most of every day, recognise my students are growing from children to teenagers, give them positive memories that they can take of their schooling and give them a break from thinking school is all tests, books, discipline and hard work. As I did my uni studies, I read this quote from Albert Einstein, "It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge". On Thursday, I put up a photo I had taken and asked the children to write down as many adjectives as they could. One child remarked that I should become a professional photographer which made me feel good. Andy thinks I could incorporate writing a book and taking photos for the book. 

I'm glad he keeps dreaming about the future because at the moment, with all the combined stress of study, work, unresolved issues about rent etc., it's hard to get past thinking about anything else. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. I remember when I was a young adult, Carman, a singer was once talking about someone who said they were doing OK "under the circumstances" and his reply was "You need to get out from under the circumstances." Fine words, positive thinking and cliches are all well and good but not always that easy to rise up with the wings of an eagle.

I have a few pressing circumstances that are hard to not dwell on. For instance, this coming Wednesday, I have to have a conference/mediation phone call and deal with the former property manager of our last rental place to discuss why we should or shouldn't have our bond returned. Although I have all the evidence and understand what grounds I can stand upon, it is yucky to go through this process.

I handed my assignment for Uni in on time which was no small achievement and what I am studying now is more interesting to me than coefficient variables and validity, as it incorporates counselling, listening skills to combine with interviews for assessment. On the other hand, I am still one and a half weeks behind, (which means lots of reading!) and need to catch up.

On Thursday I was playing squash against a 76 year old woman. She said she keeps playing because if she stops, that would mean she doesn't come back to it. We talked about the need to keep going, keep moving and to make the most of every day. She recounted a news item about a 23 year old who was killed in a car accident and said, "You just never know what the day will hold". And we don't. I listen to young and old people making plans for the future and while I don't want to sound morbid, the fact is, we don't  know what the future holds. It's OK to make plans and dream, (I do it!) but we also need to make today count. Make memories today. Tell family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. Encourage others. Jump in puddles. Laugh.

Have a good week. Pray for me if you will, that I catch up, that I stay calm and I learn much.

Now to go and watch Becker with my thoughtful husband who surprises me with his kindness towards me.

Taking Time Out

On Tuesday, Andy and I went for a walk at a National Park relatively close to us. My favourite photo was taken after I slid down the side of a hill (deliberately) and balanced myself without holding on to anything. The photo was of a track which had once been a creek but was now dried up due to the drought. Despite the lack of creeks and waterfalls, it was a very pretty place with native trees, fallen leaves and one branch pod looked almost like an oar. I didn't get a photo of it and regretted that for a moment. It was lovely to take a deliberate break from my study, enjoy a stroll through the park with Andy and take photos of scenes that were so interesting as well as 'imagine' trees looking like something else. For example, I looked at one branch and the bark wrapped around it made it look like a snake's head swallowing an arm. I imagined stories I could write and tried to get Andy to see the 'pictures' too but he was content just to enjoy the walk, talk and views.

Sometimes Andy will ask me what this place is like in Winter or what happened here years ago and when I ask him why he's asking me, he says that he's only been here for a year. I remind him I haven't been here much longer than him. Sometimes I forget that this place is new to me. Sometimes I forget that I've been through a lot to get to this point and that it's OK for me to have days when I don't want to get out of bed and face the day and it's OK to say to myself that today I can have a sad day. I decided to do a time line on myself of major events that have happened and every year for the past seven years, at least one or two high scoring stress points have occurred. We're not talking a 'hitting your big toe in the dark against a suitcase and losing a toe-nail just after your honeymoon" type event, although that did happen, we're talking moving house, moving interstate, moving across the world, getting married, getting widowed, changing jobs, starting intense study, falling off my horse and sustaining concussion and injuries that required me to have 3 weeks off work (Nov 2014) and other serious stuff.

This week I've been trying to catch up on my study and because it's about coefficient coordinates, stability coefficients, standard error of measurements, deviations and other topics particularly appropriate to the reliability and validity of assessments, some of it seems foreign to my brain when I have to apply formulas to analyse them. I called my friend Sharyn who has dabbled in assessment and who actually enjoys it and she came over today and helped a lot! Sharyn and I have been friends for almost 30 years and even though there have been times we haven't seen each other for years on end, she is one of those friends that we just picked up from where we left off, friends. 

After we'd checked over my notes and assumed I was on the right track and looked at the assignment and figured out what they were asking and after she decided against doing the course for me, in my name, (only joking), we got to talking about life and how we grow and change our perspective on something we once my have considered an absolute. In other words, we talked about growing up from a young adult into a middle-aged adult. (How my eyebrows lifted as I typed that!!) We ate small Cadbury Easter eggs left over from the housewarming party and munched on cheddar shapes as we talked for hours.

We talked about how we handle conflict. We talked about how people change as they 'mature' and we talked about my time line. As things have been tough for me over the past few or more months, I have really missed my mum. It's been almost 16 years since she passed away but she was the person I called to discuss everything with. I have needed to talk to someone who was good at listening, who knew me well, who had walked with me and who shares the same values, faith and beliefs I have. It was good to learn more about Sharyn and how/why she handles conflict and other life struggles.

Today, Andy and I read an article about Keanu Reeves and he was quoted as saying, "Grief changes shape but it never ends." He went through tragedy in his life but he kept pushing on, moving forward. That is admirable but it's hard to do. When I went to see my lecturer of the counselling subject I was doing in 2013 and shared with him some of my life story, he was surprised and said that usually someone in my situation would give up and yet I was out moving forward taking risks. I felt encouraged by his words but also felt determined to push myself and make sure I keep doing that. Consequently, when I have a bad day, I feel guilty. It was good for me to remind myself of my timeline of events. We can take this life for granted and we might forget that we don't have control over when our life or lives of our loved ones will end on this earth. We need to continually remind ourselves to make the most of every day but that includes sometimes taking time out to refresh, rejuvenate and take time to heal so that we can continue to have the strength to move forward and get on with all the tasks we still have yet to finish.

The Value of Love

A happy heart makes the face cheerful,

but heartache crushes the spirit. Prov. 15:13

How do you respond when you read that? I was reading something Holly Wagner wrote. She said, "So many of us put off being happy...... and the list of waiting to be happy goes on and on. Looking forward to something is important, but don't let it overshadow the value of today. I would like to suggest that happiness is a choice."

I have friends (and sometimes I can be one) who try to find the positives and blessings no matter what they are going through. I also have friends (and sometimes I can be one) whose heartache is crushing their spirit and they (we) find it hard to rise above our hurt. 

I am sitting at my unpacked office desk looking out the window at blue skies, green grass and trees that rise up on the hill. The birds are singing and the wind chimes that I put up yesterday occasionally chime in a gentle breeze. A magpie is walking along the front yard, pecking at the ground for food and I wonder if Andy killed the big snail I saw on the front porch yesterday. It is good to relax here and know that we are mostly unpacked but when I get to thinking about the stresses I  need to address, my stomach turns into knots and I let out a heavy sigh. 

The thing is, I know that sometimes evil wins and although it may be only a temporary win, innocent people get hurt and damaged. As I face others who are intent upon their getting their own way and will do what it takes to pursue their goals even if it means lying, I try to remind myself of what it says in Psalm 5:

"Lead me, O Lord in  your righteousness because of my enemies -- make straight your way before me. Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction...
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."

I have two weeks of school break and I need to run lots of catch-up errands like:

• Get my hair done (a well-needed cut and colour!)
• Take Milly to the vet for her annual check up
• Write a letter to the RTA to put forward our evidence as to why we should get all our bond back (knotted stomach)
• Catch up on 3 weeks that I am behind in Uni studies
• Write an assignment for Uni - (subject is Individual Assessment and Testing)
• Have a housewarming party (definitely something to look forward to!!!)
• Go to the dentist for a checkup and clean. (must)
• Weed the front garden 
  

A wise friend wrote an email and said to me, "May God give you His peace Carolanne and a truly restoring break. I hope you take some time for yourself and not just for study. You've had such a difficult start to the year and a hard end to 2014. You need some time out, even if only half a day here and there, to relax and recharge your energy and enthusiasm for life." Yesterday as I unpacked my office, I came across some birthday cards that were given to me in October 2011, 2 months after Dave passed away and 2 days before I headed back to Australia. As I read them, I remembered the special love and friendship I was privileged to share with my family and friends over there. I came across a card from the principal/friend of the school I taught at in Spokane and she wrote, "The Lord caused you to impact many lives in the United States and He has great plans for you in Australia. You will be missed! Love you!"

As I reflect on how I am feeling, I am thankful for the many friends I have made. I have friends I can play with, laugh with, relax with, share with and pray with. I have friends who build me up and encourage me and they are all so unique. When I am feeling down and discouraged, when my stomach is in knots and I procrastinate because it hurts to remember and gather evidence of wrong-doing against me, it is good to be reminded that no matter what stuff is thrown at me, the real thing that counts - love, family, friends - are blessings that outweigh the hurt. I need to keep going and not let that hurt overshadow the value of loving and being loved. 

It All Happens at the Same Time

Just a reminder before you read this that you don't have to. When I share here, it's mostly for my personal benefit so that I can think about what I am going through and put it into perspective. If you are encouraged by what I write, then that's a bonus. Also, if you followed the link here from Facebook and want to read other journal entries, just click on the title "The Garden Trail" or go to the right side and click on the Blog Archive.

Life is a journey and the more that time goes by, the more I realise the journey can take twists and turns, dark times and happy times and all of that can be mixed up together at the same time. It is unlikely that a person (at least in my experience) can find a place where they can rest for years on end without going through times of growth, struggle, good times and difficult times. When Dave passed away, I knew that God would continue to stay beside me and get me through whatever life threw at me. I remember thinking that since God didn't take me instead of Dave, it meant there was more for me to do on this earth and that there was a purpose for me to stay alive. I also chose to remember that this life is temporary, we don't know when our time or our loved ones' time on this earth will end, so we need to make the most of every day and value the people we are with.

A couple of Bible verses that are jumping out at me these last couple weeks are from 2 Corinthians 4:7-9:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned;struck down, but not destroyed.

Moving house has been tough and yesterday we received a letter from our last property manager to tell us that since we have not paid the excessive water bill, they are going to put in a notice of breach. We have a letter from the plumber that states there was an underground water pipe broken and that he tested how much water we use and it's definitely not in excess of what 2 people should use. So  if they go ahead, we have evidence showing we should not pay it. Having said that, they could withhold our bond payment and the whole issue might take some time to be resolved so in the meantime, we stress. We also had a saga about the professional cleaners we hired which has cost us time and money and lots of frustration.

We still don't have a phone line or internet although the dongal is up and running now which will help somewhat. This has been another saga that has wearied us. I called someone again today about the issue and it might all be remedied by next Thursday... Here's hoping. In the meantime, I am struggling to keep up with my uni studies but I don't want to defer. The next term break  is only 2 weeks away!

The thing is, I am not a confrontational person. People think I am strong and confident but I am not. I avoid confrontation whenever I can and would prefer just to let things be rather than stir up the pot. If I have a conflict with a friend and they start being nice to me again, I will put the conflict behind me and move forward. However, if they do it again, it is a lot harder to put it behind me. I am also learning that sometimes we have to confront people. In our home group last week, we talked about being a mouthpiece for truth and justice, standing up to effect change and bring about fairness and truth. What if I am the person who is being targeted though?

Last week I was reminded again of the prayer of St Francis of Assisi;


God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time

Some of my students are going through tough issues of growing up. When I call the roll in the mornings, I often invite them to say one or two words about a topic. e.g. favourite book, how the weekend was, what they're looking forward to etc. The other day, after hearing about half of them say they were feeling sad, or angry, or having a bad morning, I told them to write down one thing they are thankful for. I then gave them a sheet of paper and said to write down their hurts and concerns. They could give that bit of paper to me if they wanted to or they could rip it up and put it in the bin. One girl asked why they couldn't write it in their book. I said that when something is written, you can come back and read it again later and sometimes feel that same pain so in this case, I just wanted them to be able to get rid of it. I've also been playing fun songs for them to listen to and laugh such as "Lollipop" (1950s), "The Candy Man Can" (from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), "Pretty Pink Tractor" (Tim Hawkins and especially for the boys in my class) and "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from Mary Poppins.

I do have a lot to be thankful for. We have friends who we can relax and have fun with and who support and encourage us. We have a church that we attend regularly and get something from the sermons, as well as, we are going to a home group where we can be real and share about our life's journey. I am so glad we are renting a home now where we have good neighbours, cheaper rent and where the owner is pragmatic. Andy has joined an Aussie Rules football team and is training two times a week with guys who are younger than him but he's improving on his fitness and skills. They've even said he might be asked to play in the seconds team when the season starts! I am very thankful for Andy. He believes his role as my husband is to serve me and he honestly wants me to be happy. Life isn't easy at the moment (for more reasons than I have mentioned here) but it is good to have someone walking beside me who thinks I'm pretty special.

If you are still reading this, then thank you. If you would like to chat, I only have a cell phone available for another week and then we'll have a landline, hopefully. I can also be contacted through  Facebook and email. Please continue to pray for us at this difficult time. I said to my friend Jane last night that when Dave passed away and I had to go back to Australia, I had no job, no home, not much money, no husband and I was leaving behind my family and friends in the States. It hurt so much  and I thought it was as bad as it could get but hoped that things would start to pick up and I'd continue moving forward. I didn't expect this ditch in the garden trail which is hard to climb out of. I want to move forward and be able to  use my gifts and abilities to encourage and help others but it is hard when a fog of discouragement keeps threatening to hinder my walk.