Life Is Full of Better and Worse. :)

Nearly a month later than my last post and only a week to Christmas - time sure does fly whether one is having fun or not. This week has full of dramas, anxiety and yet, as a friend going through a hard time wrote to me, "God is so good to us." As I woke up this morning, I thought, "Yay! Saturday! The week is almost over." I haven't thought that way in a long time. The week has been full of worldly tragedies - a hostage situation in Sydney Australia, over 100 children killed at a school in the Taliban and a mother stabbing her 7 children and a niece in north Queensland. Horror stories of people who kill innocent victims. Then we deal with our own issues and challenges in life and remember only vaguely, that we have a lot to be thankful for. 

Earlier this week, I woke up and Andy was watching me with a smile on his face and I thought how sweet, even romantic. When I mentioned it to him that he looked happy, he commented that he enjoys playing tennis which was where he was going. I told him that killed the romantic thought I was having and he added, "But you did look cute while you were sleeping." He has taken such good care of me while I've been injured. When I get frustrated about my lack of energy and ability to do what I usually could do, he reminds me that it's been a challenging year and that my fall hasn't helped things. He reassures me that I can only take small steps and not expect to be 100% in a short space of time. 

Last week, he went camping for the first time with me even though he didn't expect to enjoy it. He met people from around the world and was in his element chatting with them about their country's sport. The first full day we were there, we went for a walk along the beach, he went running on sand dunes and we both went body boarding in the surf. I was excited that the first wave I caught, I rode into shore - it was the best wave I had ever caught. After a couple more waves, I went and sat on the shore to rest and watched Andy catch a few waves, then talk to a couple from England. After dinner that night, we talked with a couple who had a camping trailer and they loaned us some sand pegs to keep our tent more secure in the strong winds however, that didn't help when the thunderstorms and heavy downpour went on all night. The next morning, we watched the other couple pack up, then we decided to pack up in the rain too. There was no sense hanging around in the tent for the next couple of days. We loved the place and hope to go back there some other time. In our tent. Andy says he hates camping but he keeps saying, "We need to get.. for when we go camping... next time." It was good to put the camping stuff away today.

Anyway, this week took a downhill slide when I received an 'excess' water bill from the property manger (pm) which was for almost $2,000 and said that we use up to 3,000 litres a day. I emailed the pm and she said that she can not find a record of a leaking tap so therefore we had to pay it. She had told Andy just before my fall that the water bill was not a leaking tap and must be a broken pipe and that she would have it investigated but she didn't do that. I called the RTA (a tenancy authority) and they scoffed at her comments and said it is obviously a broken pipe and that we should not pay it as it's the landlord's responsibility to have maintenance done on the property, not ours. They told me to email the pm and let her know we wouldn't be paying and that we had spoken to them. Also, while I was on the phone to them, I made sure the water was all off and checked the meter which was still ticking over as though there was water being used.

Later on, I was talking with a friend who is also a pm for another company and she encouraged me to contact the owners/landlord in case the lazy pm hadn't done so. I couldn't find the phone number so went to her place of work and she was off sick. I left a message with her and she called today when we were unable to answer the phone and her comment was it was the first she heard of it. She is not going to be happy when she finds out about the bill and that the pm hadn't notified her as soon as she could.

Last night we were watching TV when a car drove up our bumpy driveway and there was a loud knock on our door. Andy went to the door and called out "Who's there?" but no one was there. Before he opened the door, I heard giggling and the car drove off. It was a bunch of kids probably but it was still a little bit scary. We often keep the front door open as we don't have a screen door and we need to let air in but now Andy is willing to shut and lock the front door.

This morning at about 7:30am, I heard the back gate open and close and I stood up on the bed/pillow to look outside the window that was high up. I saw the neighbour's son and another boy go back and sit down at their patio table and chairs. He came over later and explained to Andy that Milly had tried getting out so they'd put some bricks near the fence. Of course Milly tried getting out - there were guys there and she wanted some attention. When people walk past our side fence with their dogs, she barks and runs to the fence and they pat her and tell her she's gorgeous. When that car came last night, there was no barking from Milly. She's not a guard dog.

Andy and I are looking for ways of saving and I changed my phone plan to a prepaid account which is $20 less per month. When I checked after making a payment, it said I only had $5 credit. As we drove off to our friends' place for lunch I had a minor melt-down. I said to Andy that it doesn't seem fair that even when I do the right thing, it goes wrong and that even when I make an extra effort to get ahead, it doesn't work. It's not fair! While we were at our friends' place, we called the phone company and the text message was badly worded which means that $5 credit is if I want to call overseas for 4c per minute. Whew!

We had a lovely time at our friends' place, chatting, eating chocolate, putting things in order as J and I both "have a little bit of Monk in us" as Dave would say. I put all the chocolates (box of Favourites) in alphabetical order and J ate the one that looked out of place. When we came home, I turned on a Christmas CD and wrapped up Andy's Christmas presents and put them away again. We don't have the tree up yet. Hopefully that will be put up tomorrow. The Christmas CD is still playing as I write this. 

Yes, it's been a challenging year but at the same time, there is a lot to be thankful for and the blessings far outweigh the trials. I'm alive. I am loved. I have all that I need and more besides. It sounds like a cliche and yet is is spoken from my heart. A friend put this on my FB page and as I thought it so appropriate, I'm sharing it with you, too. 

Two Weeks Ago

This time two weeks ago I was lying on a hospital bed being subjected to tests on my brain and checking for internal injuries/bleeding while Andy stayed close by answering questions I was firing at him about why I was even in hospital. Not that I recall that time but that's what I've been told was happening. I don't remember at all. I think that I woke up and started remembering/ being coherent at about 10:30 that night, five or six hours after I had somehow fallen off my horse. We might not ever know what happened back then. A week after the fall, I went back to work for three days and by Wednesday knew something was not right. I was struggling with moving around, I was emotional and I felt like I couldn't cope with the school day ahead. I made a doctor's appointment for that afternoon to get a second opinion. That doctor was surprised I was at work and gave me the rest of the week off as well as this week. He said I should be feeling better by the end of this week. He explained about my "post concussion cerebral dysfunction" and said I could not drive, work, ride horses or do any other physical &/or sporting activity. He was actually relieved to know that I hadn't been driving.

So, here I am two weeks later. The physical injuries I suffered which I feel didn't get any recognition from the doctor due to the concussion being the focal point, was pain in the left side, especially groin, chest and upper back area. The hospital doctor did say I would feel like I'd been hit by a Mack truck and not having been hit by one, I assume I now know what it feels like. I have been using a walking stick to get around when Andy's not around but today I didn't need it which was encouraging. The pain has lessened but I still get quite tired which is frustrating.

 For example, today I wanted to show Andy how easy it was to put up a pop-up speed tent and fold one up, which can be done in less than two minutes but when I tried to fold it up, I couldn't do it. I had to go and sit down because I was exhausted. The reason I was showing him is because I used a 2-man one on my road trip at the start of 2013 and since an Anaconda store is opening up this weekend with sales, I was thinking that maybe we could get a 3-man tent.


Before I fell off the horse, I was thinking about us moving. This house is very hot especially as we are experiencing the worst heat wave in about 8 or so years. These last couple of weeks have been around the late 30's Celsius which is close to 100 Fahrenheit and it isn't even summer, yet! There is no air conditioner in this place and it's only in the last couple months that we got screens put on the windows. The landlords do little to upkeep the home despite repeated calls from the real estate of which there is a thick file of evidence to prove the landlords are not responsive. We pay quite a bit of rent for 3/4 acre and an old, three bedroom house, but it sometimes gets too much when little things that need to be done, aren't done. After talking about it with Andy, the advantages and disadvantages, we decided that we need to stay put for a bit longer and see what happens early next year.

I was talking to someone recently about a decision I had made and they commented that since I was in the throes of concussion, I wasn't thinking rationally. I tried to explain that it was something I had been thinking about before the fall but I was a little put out by their condescension. I don't make hasty decisions and I do think things out thoroughly but this time I also included Andy in the process, duh. Oh well. They don't know me well.

I got my assignment result back today for the Uni subject I just completed and passed. I did well despite the negative comments the marker wrote. I was disappointed by the comments but pleased with the result.

Andy and I will probably stick around here at Christmas time rather than go on a planned vacation. We are still thinking of may be doing a road trip - hence the speed tent for a Christmas present. Andy has been taking good care of Milly and me. He gives her plenty of cold water and hoses her down to make sure she stays cool in this heat. He baked me a banana, choc-chip cake which was very delicious and as he ate the last piece of it, baked another one. I've had friends come around to visit which is also a good thing because I get bored. I know I should probably work on school report cards but I'm not sure I would make a lot of sense anyhow. It would be really nice if I was 100% again but as Andy pointed out tonight, it was only two weeks ago I was lying on a hospital bed unaware of my surroundings.Andy just asked me, "What are you doing?" and when I said I was writing a blog post he said, "I have no idea what that means but it sounds impressive." (It is easy for me to impress him.)

Today I was thinking that if I wrote my autobiography or even if someone wrote it for me, it could be called, "A Lifetime of New Beginnings" because sometimes it seems like I am not even in one place for a year before it's time to start a new beginning elsewhere. (It's probably just the concussion thinking like that. lol )  So that's it until the next blog post next time which by then, I will hopefully be on holidays relaxing near water and having fun!

Fallen

So, in case you haven't heard, I fell off my horse last Monday - 4 days ago and have had all the rest of the week off work. Mainly because I can't work, I can barely walk and for most of the week have slept. I don't know what happened because I can't remember. The last thing I remember was saying to Leah that I would go down to the paddock and wait for her there. I don't even remember riding away from her. People have asked me questions such as:

• Was the horse going fast?
• Had you been riding for long that day?
• Did the horse spook?

I had bad concussion and I don't remember. Before I had gone to my friends' place to ride, I had picked up Andy and Milly who had been out walking and had seen a big snake. Snakes are out in full force and there's been quite a few cases of people being bitten and having to go to hospital. Nine of the ten most venomous snakes live in Australia so people don't hang around to find out whether the snake they see is one of those or not. It's still only Spring and it's really  hot and dry here. The weekend is supposed to get temperatures such as 40 Celsius (104 F) and not vary much in the coming week. Andy was letting Milly go swimming in the creek but with all the talk of snakes, he's keeping Milly on dry ground.

Monday I fell off my horse Lucky, at about 5pmish. Andy was  playing with Milly and Lilly (our friends' dog who is also a black Lab) and he saw Lucky go back up to the paddock riderless. He ran down and saw me lying on my side very still and after checking for my pulse, called out for an ambulance which was there very quickly. Meanwhile, Lucky had gone to where Leah was saddling up Melody and he turned to go back to me expecting Leah to follow. When Leah got there, John (Leah's dad) gave Andy his phone to speak to the guys who were coming with the ambulance. Leah said I was talking and asking questions but my eyes were flickering all over the place and I didn't know who John was.

The ambulance took me away and Andy went in the other ambulance. He was the only one allowed near me in the hospital. They gave him a chair and got him to answer all the questions I was asking while they tested me for internal bleeding and head injuries. Andy said that I told them I was feeling like throwing up but they had already given me all they could for nausea. All the tests were clear. They kept me in overnight for observation and every two hours asked me where I was, what had happened, took my blood pressure, temperature etc. I started becoming coherent at about 10:30 that night just before Andy left. By morning, I was allowed to go home. I felt every bump. I talked to Nathan on the phone and he said I didn't sound 'normal'. I still find it difficult to get around. I hold on to the walls or Andy. He is being very good and won't leave me for long periods of time. He gets me whatever I want/need which isn't much yet.

Leah was quite distressed on Monday night as she had seen her teacher lying very still on the ground and wasn't allowed to see me even though they waited at the hospital. She came with her parents to visit us on Wednesday night. Jane's boys were also upset but she brought them and her husband out to see us last night (Thursday). I went to see the doctor yesterday and thought of dropping in to see my students on the way home but I don't have the energy or the physical capacity to walk that far. I should be back at work on Monday. I have fluid retention which is obvious in my legs, face and feet which is annoying. My left side hurts the most - upper back/shoulder blade, upper part of my legs.

Mostly I have just been sleeping when we haven't had visitors. Today is the first day I have spent any time on the computer and I managed to read a couple chapters of a book. I have been up for about four hours now as we had our neighbor friends drop over but I am ready for bed again.

In the back of my mind, I remember that only 4 years ago, almost to the day, Dave was admitted to hospital when he fell off a horse. I know the circumstances were different and his fall caused the pulmonary embolism to his lungs from which he passed away less than 10 months later but these are still thoughts that enter my mind.

As for me, I am planning to ride again... I think. I know that it hasn't put me off riding but I also know that I will probably be tentative at first and not trust Lucky as much as I once did. Was he spooked by a snake? I don't know. The last time I had ridden him, he had kept pulling in the other direction and I had kept making him go where I wanted him to go until he was doing what I wanted. This is the first time I have fallen off a horse as an adult and I know that my friends who ride often, talk about their falls as being relatively common. Well, no matter what, guess I won't be riding again until I can walk and even run again. I won't be able to play netball on Tuesday and highly unlikely I'll be able to play squash on Wednesday.

It's report writing time and I handed in my last uni assignment two weeks ago so at least study is out of the way. It's almost the end of the school year and then we have a few weeks of summer to enjoy before the new year begins. So far, we have made no plans but both of us want to spend time at the coast, soaking in the sea, ducking under waves and even collecting shells. But first, let me just walk again without needing help.

Just out of hospital - less than 24 hrs after the fall,
holding my wrist hospital band.

Not A City Chick!

As I drove home tonight, I watched the orange sun go down behind the hills that were sparsely dotted with gum trees and cattle grazing. With the bit of rain we've had lately, the paddocks were a little greener than usual but more rain is needed in this parched land. I have had a busy week but taking note of the scenery, watching the mountain where I live loom closer, I was thankful for the privilege of living here where I am. I was not cut out to be a city-chick and jeans, boots and tops are much more comfortable than skirts, tops and sandals.

Riding a horse is preferable to riding a pushbike, walking along concrete pathways and to some extent, even driving my Rav4. There is something immensely carefree about cantering on a horse with the wind blowing gently, the sun shining warmly and it's just you and your trusty steed. In fact, as we rode back along the road, Bob stopped us for a chat. He said that in years past, everyone around here owned and rode horses but you don't see it much anymore. He was happy to see us riding. A friend rolled into his driveway and we moved the horses back across the road and cantered around the paddock before giving rides to my friend's sons. Her boys are eager to ride and it was satisfying to watch them take the reins in hand and walk around the yard.

It has been a long week. Teaching a class of 11 and 12 years old can have challenges and the impact of a world in chaos, causes confusion and heartache for the children. Teaching them how to divide and multiply decimals, how to write a newspaper report and how to measure an earthquake (Science) is just a part of the whole. In all my years of teaching, I sometimes wonder what difference I can make. The course I am doing is just to have the piece of paper that qualifies me and gives me the recognition to do what I have already been doing (aside from teaching) for years.

I asked Andy the other day, "How many teachers do you remember from primary school and what do you remember about them?" Having said that, recently a colleague from teaching a couple years ago wrote on my Facebook page that she'd been in contact with some of my students from that year. She added, "Just wanted to remind you that you make an impact on your students regardless of wherever you go and how ever long it's for." I needed to hear that.

I got my results back for my first assignment and I passed. I passed both my tests well and that has taken the pressure off me for my 2nd assignment due in less than two weeks. As much as I enjoy this course, I am really looking forward to having a few months break from study, having my weekends free and being able to do day trips, ride my horse and spend more time with friends. Have I ever told you how good my friends are?!

I came home from work to a clean house, a yummy dinner and a good man waiting for me. He's a bit bruised and battered. This week in netball, someone stood on his foot and it looks like he might lose a toe-nail. I am so thankful for the way Andy takes care of me and the way he encourages me to do the things I enjoy and persevere in the challenges.

Well, it's getting late and although I can sleep in in the morning, I have an assignment to do and I might even get another ride in on the weekend.

Time to be Content

I got my assignment handed in on time - by the bare split of a few minutes but at least it was done. I am not confident about my results so if I pass, that will be a bonus. Since then, I've been catching up on the readings for the next module in preparation for the quiz that will be taken next week before the 18th October. After that, I have one more assignment due in on 29th October and then that subject will be done and I'll only have three more subjects to go. I should be finished my Masters halfway through 2016. As I was scrolling through the class notes, expectations and schedule, I saw a note that the lecturer had added:

 "You are nearly done so stay positive and focused. When negative self talk causes you to question your capacity to do a task, remind yourself of how many tasks you have done in other areas of your life and in your learning journey. You have been successful before and you can be here as well."  

 How timely that bit of advice was and it covered how I was feeling so well! I keep pacing myself, reminding myself that I am more than half way through my course and that I can do it. The lecturer said to remind yourself of what you have achieved in the past. In the last five years, I have sometimes felt like I've been tossed about as though in a washing machine then hung out on the line until dry and ready to move forward. Now I feel like I have my feet firmly planted on the ground and am taking steps towards goals that include getting my Masters of Education in a field that I am passionate about, (counseling children), living a life that I enjoy balancing work, sport, home-life and I  must admit that for the most part I am content. Sure it would be nice to live closer to the beach and nice to have our own place but I have enough for now.

 I started off this by giving dates. Dates and times have always been important to me for as long as I can remember. I guess it's my way of knowing how far I've come and how far I've still got to go. For example, I decided that I would do the 30 day plank challenge (The plank is a balance and core conditioning exercise. You can also perform the plank as a stand-alone exercise. The full plank, where you balance on both arms.) which means every day you do a plank for a certain amount of time, building up until after 30 days, you can do a plank for 5 minutes. I am up to being able to do one and half minutes. Anyway, Andy is doing it with me but when he is timing me, I ask him to count by 5 seconds out loud. He doesn't understand why I do it like that. He prefers to do it with just the music playing and for me to say "Stop" when his time is up. I need to know how far I've got to go so that I can hold out for that long. Doing a plank is not my idea of fun but it's a challenge and believe me, as soon as I get to the "Stop", I stop, collapse, laugh and feel relieved that it's over for the day.

As stated before, I am content. I was thinking about what it means to be content and I think sometimes people misunderstand it as being complacent. I am content but I keep moving forward and aim for more: more understanding, more learning, yes, even more fun and money if I can. I take the time to enjoy what I already have and try not to take it for granted. I share when I can because I love to see others enjoy life too. Last week during my holidays, I invited my friend Jane to come and play with Lucky and gave her three sons rides and 'lessons' in riding. The boys especially loved riding Lucky. They wore their cowboy boots, shirts and jeans and listened carefully to what they needed to know about holding the reins. I invited another older friend to bring her husband who is in a retirement home to come and enjoy Lucky, too. They were surprised that Lucky would just stand there even when I walked away.

Next week I am having a birthday and have invited friends around. I have parties not so I can be the center of attention but rather so that I can see all my friends at the same time and they can all meet each other and have fun together. Any excuse will do. Next week I am planning to ride to school on Lucky with a student who has her own horse. I keep Lucky at her parents' place and we've done a practice ride already. We are both looking forward to it. I hope to go and ride tomorrow and try out a small saddle bag I bought that can keep our water bottles and my phone safe and accessible, while I ride.

If you have followed my journey, you know that life hasn't always been easy for me and it has certainly had its challenges! There's been change, pain, grief and loneliness but I chose not to stay stuck there. I have tried to make choices that are congruent with the gifts and abilities that God has given me and that allow me to do things that I am passionate about. I  do feel incredibly blessed to have so much: love, family, friends, a class that I love teaching, sports I love playing, the ability to play and do things I enjoy. Andy has been an amazing support to me and I am extremely thankful for the relationship we share together.

The other day, Lucky took me by surprise and bit me. We think he had a sore spot so when I brushed him, it hurt. I got a big bruise and have taken photos and told an acquaintance I was thinking of putting the photo on Facebook. She turned to me and said, "You need to get a life!" My other friend who was there, shook her head after the acquaintance had gone and I said, "Not sure what more I could fit into my life. Sometimes I struggle as it is to get everything done." I wish I could finish this post off with a pithy saying or a motivational quote but I'm out of words for now and just know that I am thankful and content for so many reasons.

Contentment

Choose to Live Every Day

My uni assignment is due in 3 days.
I am on school holidays for 2 weeks.
No time to get away but we plan to take a few day trips after my assignment has been submitted.
These are a few of the things on my mind.

For some reason, I have been thinking of how important it is to make the most of every day. When someone close to you dies suddenly, unexpectedly and your world is turned upside down, you make choices as time goes on, to move forward. In the time of raw grief you cry a lot, wonder what life will look like and plod through a moment at a time. Somehow you try to see beyond the grief and begin making decisions to get you through the day, the weeks and then the months. A few years later or so, you realize that it's time to start dreaming again and planning for a future.

When I came back to Australia, my dream was to buy a horse and a western saddle as I felt it was a connection to Dave and my life with him back in the States. I like thoroughbreds although some don't. Some people see them as skittish and temperamental - but not as much as an Arab! As stated in an earlier post, I have a thoroughbred and now I also have a western saddle. I picked it up yesterday and as weird as it might sound, I do feel more 'complete', for want of a better word. I have enjoyed going to play with Lucky 3 or 4 times a week and yesterday, Andy and I introduced Milly to Lucky. They seemed to like each other. Lucky definitely likes Andy. When I ride Lucky, if I give him free rein, he will walk right up to Andy and just stop there waiting for Andy to pat him and give him a hug. Andy hasn't had much experience with horses before but he fully supports me and I am teaching him how to take care of Lucky too.

Another first for me was last Friday, I rode for the first time, bareback. It wasn't as comfortable as using a saddle but it was still fun. It teaches me to have good balance as there's nothing else but to hold on while sitting on the back of my horse. He tried to go a bit faster than a walk at times but I checked his reins and kept him to a walk. I didn't fall off which was a plus.

Andy is a good husband. Yesterday I was wondering why he takes care of me so well, without complaining and sometimes it seems, without expecting anything in return. He was the one who encouraged me to get involved in my favourite sports: squash and netball, he is the one who looks after our home and makes sure I don't have to worry about things when I get home from work, he stays close when I am studying and he holds me close at night time. I asked him why and he replied, "That's what a husband is supposed to do - love you, take care of you and serve you." Thank You.

On Tuesday, he is going for a job interview for a temporary groundsman position and last Friday he went to an employment agency who were impressed with his resume. There is the possibility of him getting a part-time job but he may have to get a forklift license first. It is quite expensive to get one so we need to see if there's a way to get it while getting paid work to pay it off. It would help Andy so much if he could feel that he is contributing financially to our household. We have dreams of owning a few acres one day, keeping a couple horses so that others too can come and ride and maybe fattening up cattle to sell at market. The other day at school, Avis prayed that Andy would get a job but that he would have Wednesdays off so he could play golf with her as they have been enjoying that so much which is good for both of them. I had to laugh when I spoke to Andy later and he said there was a job going part-time with Wednesdays off and some Saturday morning work. I've decided if I have any prayer points, I'll give them to Avis to pray about.

I am very content with my life right now and I don't want to get complacent and take any of it for granted. I need to remember to be thankful for each day and continue to choose life.

New Additions to My Family

When we come to every weekend, Andy noticing my tiredness will say, "You've had a big week!" Sometimes it feels like every week is choc-full of things going on: working full-time, netball, squash, study, Andy, friends (and not all in that order, either!) I get so busy that I have to deliberately stop and talk with Andy about making sure we are putting our marriage first before others and that we are not getting lost in the busy-ness of life.

Last weekend was Nathan and Melanie's wedding and it was a lovely time catching up with old friends and new, family, celebrating the love that Nathan and Melanie share and enjoying beautiful weather too! Our plane trip going there took longer than expected but we arrived safely and came back home without any problems. I am so thankful and proud of Nathan and Melanie.

This week I have been aiming to keep up with study. I passed the quiz I had to do a couple of weeks ago and now I have to work on my assignment due in less than three weeks. I sometimes have to remind myself that it's just for a short time and then I can relax. Today, Andy and I are playing in the grand final for our indoor netball team. It has been a fun season and I am looking forward to playing again next season.

Now for some big news. I have bought myself a horse called Lucky. Lucky is a thoroughbred who looks a lot like the horse I owned back in the States. (Dee) He is only 14.3 HH and is 13 years old with personality plus and a gentle, wanting to please nature. I bought him from some friends and I will continue to agist him at their place so they don't lose him completely. It all fell into place. A few months ago, Andy and I were at their place for dinner and I mentioned that I wanted to buy a horse but not until September. They said that when I found a horse, I could keep him at their place and as M knows a lot about horses, I found that reassuring as she will be able to help me learn to take care of a horse, the "Aussie" way. I had looked at a couple other horses but they were not within my price range. My friends had not planned on selling Lucky but when they did, they sold him to someone else who decided that Lucky wasn't for them. Anyway, it all fell into place nicely.

Yesterday, I went shopping with my friends and in some ways, as we looked at bridles and halters, Ariat boots and Wrangler jeans, it was almost like taking a trip down memory lane with Dave. It is very exciting so now into my busy life, I have to add taking care of my horse. I drive past my friends' place every day on my way to and from work so it will be easy to drop in and play with Lucky. The other good thing about having my own horse is I find it therapeutic to ride and groom a horse.

Life is good and I have a lot to be thankful for. Even in the busy-ness and challenges, there is always something good  (or someone special) to balance out the difficulties.

P.S. Our indoor netball team won the grandfinal. I think we did really well since we only started playing as a team at the start of this year!

What Matters Most

In a week's time my son will be getting married and Andy and I will be flying down there for the weekend. It is very exciting and I have bought an outfit that is befitting the 'mother of the groom' status. Nathan's wife to-be is a lovely young lady and they make a great team. I am thankful for both of them and will be praying for them as they join their lives together and begin this next step in their lives.

Last night, I held a linen party at my home and had about ten of my friends come and join in for the fun. I am thankful for the friends I have. We laugh, cry, talk and chat together and last night was no exception. Some of the friends I work with and others, such as Sharyn, have been part of my life for a long time. The reason I had the party is because I found a doona (bedspread) that both Andy and I like. This has been no mean feat! Since the start of the year, almost, I have dragged Andy in and out of stores, looking at different quilts and neither of us really being agreed on what we would like. When Sharyn gave me a catalogue, I took it home to Andy and we found one so I knew the best way to buy it, was to have a party and get the discounts from it.

While I was at work, Andy got the house cleaned and baked a banana/choc-chip cake. I had already made and prepared other treats and a couple of my friends were also bringing snacks. Before they all arrived, Andy 'ran' out of the house and as tennis had been cancelled, he went and did some shopping. When he came home, he put his hood over his face and almost ran past the living room so that no one could see him although we all chorused with a "Hi Andy!" He went to the bedroom where he had placed some snacks, his book etc so that he didn't have to come and be part of the party. He said it would ruin what little reputation he had left of being a blokey-bloke if he was caught looking at linen with the girls.

In the end, I showed him some samples of other quilts that hadn't been in the catalogue and we chose a different one which we are both happy about. I am excited because the quilt will be 'ours', not what Dave and I had as ours. I think I will tuck Dave's and my quilt away because I don't really want to give it away just yet. Life keeps moving on and as I said to Andy last night, I am happy with Andy and we need to continue to make our life and memories together. I loved Dave and I still miss him sometimes but I love Andy and our life together is different and good.

Last week I discovered I was behind in my studies and that I had a quiz to do this week so I needed to focus on catching up on all the reading!!! That was a lot! So every night after school, I would read and study. All last weekend, I would read as well as every night this week. This morning I got up, had a couple pieces of toast and a pain-killer and went back to bed. A few hours later I got up again, planning to continue studying but took another couple headache tablets and went back to bed and slept again. Andy was concerned and suggested that I was exhausted. He is probably right. He stayed by my side for most of the day and was reading. I assume he was by my side but then again, I don't know for sure because apparently I was really out of it. He was there when I woke up each time and he kept asking if there was anything he could do to help me. He is a good man.

Tonight, after dinner, I studied/revised my readings and then did a practice quiz to see whether I was ready to do the actual quiz as part of my assessment. As I only got one question wrong, I will do the 'real quiz' tomorrow afternoon. I am studying "Consultation and Collaboration" which aims to teach how to help those who may be having issues, problems in the workforce and particularly in the education field. It does touch on some of the skills and things I have learned in other subjects I've done in this course and I find it interesting. I am glad I enjoy learning and that I am doing an interesting course.

Life goes on. It has its trials and people can let you down but in the bigger picture, some of what can overwhelm us, is really not all that important. I have been reflecting a bit on my past over the last week and I am thankful for where I am at now. It hasn't been easy and there have been times when I have wondered why. I look back on those difficult times and I am reminded of the Bible verse Mark Lowry quotes, "And it came to pass". Those difficult times are used to strengthen us and give us a deeper understanding of the real purpose of life. They become the basis for choices we make in the future and they help us understand what really is important to us.

I am thankful for the friends and family God has given me. I feel incredibly privileged to have such sincere, awesome, honest friends. When people quote those pithy statements about how there are only one or two real friends in the world, I look around me and say, "Not in my case!" 

I think relationships are what matters most in this world.

I could have added more photos below but to include all my friends would have taken a long time and I need to go back to bed to prepare for the day ahead tomorrow.

   

Three Years Ago....

This weekend marks three years since Dave passed away. Yesterday afternoon, while Andy took Milly for a walk, I used the time alone to reflect and also to play some online games that Dave used to play. I am so thankful for the short time I was married to Dave. It was too short but we made some memories that will stay with me for a long time. The friends and family that were part of our lives are still dear to me and I miss them. Reading through Facebook statuses, a few of them posted about how they still miss Dave and I commiserated with them but on the other hand, still felt like I was on my own. I am very thankful that one of Dave's brothers sent me a message to say he was thinking of me too.

My life has changed since Dave passed away. I'm in a different country, I am teaching full-time and studying, I am married to someone different to Dave. The fact that I still miss Dave does not detract from the love and marriage I share with Andy. I know that who I am, the fact that I am able to stand up for myself, that I am more confident in who I am, is partly due to my relationship with Dave. I miss our home there, the horse riding, the friends, the hikes along trails that weren't there, Cosco shopping, our friends, deep-fried turkey, Dave's family, even the snow. 

Here I am making new memories, having goals and dreams of a future I wouldn't have had if I was still with Dave in the US. It's not the same and yet, it's part of moving forward and choosing to be thankful and choosing to walk forward instead of giving up. I know when Dave passed away, when I was leaving our home for the last time and I was crying and wondering why God took Dave instead of me, that in my heart, I realized that God still had a plan for my life and I know that whatever that plan might be, it's not going to happen unless I choose life.

A friend posted a cartoon on Facebook today:

Ain't that the truth?! 

I am thankful for what I have in my life today. I couldn't have imagined this life a year, three years ago. I don't think Dave passing away is a good thing but I know that despite that pain, God was and is close to me and He gives me blessings to strengthen me and simply just to enjoy.

This coming November, a group of friends want to do a colour run. It's only 5kms but as I don't enjoy running, I am going to work on enjoying it. I am choosing to live healthier with small achievable goals and Andy is supporting me in this. This week's goal is to walk briskly for 30 minutes (in addition to the sport I do) and cut back on diet coke and drink more water. When that is easy, I will take it a step further. (Pardon the pun.) I work full-time, I study part-time, play indoor netball and squash once a week and train for netball once a week so finding the time to walk is going to be a challenge but I want to do it. So far, I've done well and I am feeling good about it. I am thankful for the good health I enjoy.

At the end of this month is my son's wedding and I am looking forward to being there for that. Not sure how a mother of the groom is supposed to feel but I've got the outfit and I am thankful for the beautiful woman he is marrying. They are both a blessing to each other and I am proud of the man my son has become.

I am still loving my class and they are a joy to teach. They have all learned to love reading and even the librarian loves them coming to the library. She calls me on the class phone if we are running a bit late to hurry us up. They choose their books and sit down absorbed in their 'new' novels and are even oblivious to me taking photos of them.

Andy and I went on a lovely break a few weeks ago while school was on term break. We went to a beach that was mostly deserted and went for long walks. Andy swam a couple times. Maybe one day we will retire there. I'll add a few photos of that holiday here now.

 

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. When life is tough, as is normal I think, it's good to know that we both are privileged to have your friendship and love. Oh, I almost forgot to say - this afternoon after we'd done our brisk walk, I got a phone call from a friend who lives around the corner and who also goes to the new church Andy and I have just started going to, so we put our runners back on and went and spent a couple of hours with them. Andy hadn't had the opportunity to get to know them before this so it was good to see him getting on really well with Graham. They have quite a few things in common (mainly sport) and they're planning to start riding their bikes together.

Life is good. Sometimes I forget how good it is when I am facing conflict or struggling with getting uni subjects done or missing close friends and family but when I stop and look back, look forward and even at what I have now, I am thankful.

Steep, Rocky Climb

I was reading my last post and realized that sometimes I still think that way - still get overwhelmed by all that is on my plate and yet I try to maintain a heart of thankfulness, too. We get so caught up in daily life that we not only take it for granted, we forget that it is temporary and we need to enjoy each moment. On the other hand, while it seems a contradiction, I also have to remind myself of my long-term goals and dreams.

Recently I read on one of my friend's Facebook pages: "When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart." Yesterday I picked up the coat stand off the floor in order to fix it. When I brought it back here from the States, it was broken a little and a friend fixed it for me - glued it back together - but by the time it got here, that 'fix' was inevitably weakened and it broke again. I glued it back but yesterday, I discovered that a chunk of it was broken off and I can't fix it and will have to throw it out. At first, I was really upset. I started sorting through the clothes in my wardrobe and came across some things of Dave's and was deciding if I should throw them our or keep them. Some things fit Andy and he was quite happy to have them and wear them. That meant a lot to me because a) I didn't want to throw them out and b) he didn't mind having something that belonged to Dave.

Later I was reflecting about all my stuff including the stuff I keep for "memories". If it is gone, if I can't use it for what it is, if it is broken, whatever the reason, I don't need to keep the stuff. The memories are always there. (This is not including photos!) But if I forget one memory, I still have others and in the meantime, I am making more memories. I wondered why I keep so much stuff. It's good to get bargains on sale but I don't save anything if I didn't need it or can't use it.

I was studying yesterday afternoon and checked out Facebook on one of my breaks, reading about the fun everyone seemed to be having on their Saturdays and it seemed unfair. Here I am stuck in my office, studying, when I just wanted to go out for the day and play. I had to keep reminding myself that I like learning, that I want to do this course and it's only a temporary thing. I will be finished in 2 years and in the meantime, I  get breaks when I can relax and have fun without worrying about study during July and at the end of the year. Last night, Andy commented that we don't seem to have much time for fun lately and I totally agreed, especially as this was after I'd had the above thoughts and feelings.

I love teaching. I told my class the other day that they are definitely one of the best classes I have ever had. We have fun together, we joke around but they have also learnt when it's time to stop laughing and get serious about work. One of the students in another class, told his brother that he was looking forward to being in my class and his brother said it was good to start with but then it gets boring. I laughed and admitted that would be when the kids realize they still have to do Math problems and learn about writing genres and grammar.... On the other hand, in Science the other day, we baked bread loaves. One with yeast, one without and that was fun learning about micro-organisms!  Yes I love my class but sometimes it is hard work.

I love studying and learning and am thankful for the privilege of doing this course but right now - with an assignment due in a few weeks and needing to do all the reading and thinking, it is hard work and I can't take too much time away from study. I come home from work and if I don't have anything else to go to, I need to study. I love playing netball and squash but I have to remember to enjoy it and not put so much pressure on myself to play to win. I can shoot goals for netball but when I miss, I get discouraged. To add to this, Andy and I are also considering going to another, smaller church so we are visiting other churches and that is another stress. I wish things could just fall into place and we could live our lives without making having to go through so many changes.

Today, I deliberately took a break from study and all the other pressures and we decided to go to the park where our wedding photos were taken to re-enact the photos and play. I got my camera out and was really excited about taking photos. We even took Milly with us. However, after about the 5th detour, we realized we weren't going to the park after all as there was another event happening there and instead, we drove up to a bush land reserve that my students had told me was an easy climb to the top. It wasn't. It was a steep, rocky climb and we did it in the middle of the day. We were unprepared so I was wearing jeans and we didn't have any water with us or hats on. Milly loved it. When climbers passed by, she would go up to them, sit, wag her tail and wait for the inevitable pat and the "Oh, you're such a cute puppy" exclamation.

I am thankful for the support Andy gives me. It is nice being able to relax and be with another person with whom I can share good times and hard times. He looks for ways to make my life easier and we both like having fun together. For everything that is in my life, I am thankful. It may be hard work at times but it is all worth it. Just like climbing that steep, rocky track and seeing the view was worth it.

The In-Between Time

Wow! Almost 5 months since I last posted but life is busy.

I got married on January 12th this year to Andy.

I am working full-time with a wonderful grade of students and we have fun learning even when the learning is challenging. I am continuing with my study but this semester is a difficult, intense subject on Child Abuse and Neglect. I have an assignment to complete in the next few days so right now I'm taking a break from it. One thing I have found is that breaks are essential and I have to physically move right away from the work and go and do something different such as practice my goal shooting.

Andy and I are playing mixed netball on Tuesday nights which is a lot of fun and I play goal shooter. As I am the captain, I have also organized regular training sessions. We don't win every game but we enjoy it. Last Tuesday we lost by only 3 goals and I was very excited as I only missed one goal! I am also playing squash in a social competition and Andy is playing tennis in a social competition. During the last school holidays, we went and stayed at the beach for a few days and tried out our new bodyboards. Andy went swimming/body boarding twice a day even when it was raining whereas I preferred to only swim when the sun was out shining. It was a very relaxing and fun time.

I like spending time with Andy. Sometimes it's not easy as we both learn to adjust to each other but we like doing things together. Andy doesn't have a job at the moment but he is doing a good job at keeping the household clean and tidy, keeping Milly exercised and looking after me. Right now, he is out walking Milly which can take anything from 2 - 3 hours. He told me before he left "Don't do any housework because I will do it when I get back." For those who know me really well, you can stop laughing. He has been asking my good friends who have known me for years, how to get me to apply myself to study. They all generally respond the same way. After they finish laughing they tell him that he doesn't need to worry because I will get it done.

Life is good despite the challenges. Sometimes, however, I feel that I am pushing myself in every direction to get everything done and I just want to stop without the pressures, even though some of those pressures are fun. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I tend to fall into the "Why do I have to start all over again at my age??!!" pity party. I can look around me and see friends of my age who are settled in their life, who have been that way for years and I look at what I am doing and have done and although I am moving forward and up, I want to "be there" already.

Just today, I was looking on Facebook and saw a video clip that Sandi Patty had posted called "The  in-between" and I listened and also looked up why she wrote that song. It really touched me.

Some of the lyrics are:

I have seen some glorious days
Where I flew so much higher
Much higher than I ever thought I would,
And soaring through the air I would declare,
“Well, isn’t God good?
Isn’t He good?”

And He was and He is
And He always will be,
But in the in-between
It’s hard for me to see.

In the in-between
Where everyday life happens,
And the fields of green
Belong to someone else.
In the in-between
Of what will be and what has been,
Jesus is a faithful friend
In the in-between.

I have been unsure of myself
But even in the dark,
I’m pretty sure that all is well,
And then I see,
There in the mirror looking back at me,
A work that is not everything that it will be.

And as I continued reading, she went on to say, "This “in-between” is a hard place for me. I don’t traditionally do transition well. I like to “know” things and, OK, I’ll say it out loud, “I like to control things.” I have learned along the line of my faith journey how to manage the lows. Not well, but at least to manage them. And, I think I’ve learned how to manage the highs. But, this “in-between” stuff I don’t do so well. It’s the whole “I need to know” stuff. I don’t wait so well. I don’t “be still” so well. And, perhaps it is this very reason that God has placed me in this “in-between” area of my life. Because, the only thing I can do is trust, and wait, and believe that God is at work. "

I really know how that feels. When I have been at my darkest days, God has carried me and held me through it. Now that I am "in-between" and I know that everything is not as it will be one day, I still want it to be now and want to know when. I told Andy last night, "I just want to know what is going to happen. I want life to be 'comfortable'... to  not have to keep learning and pushing forward. I want to be at the place where I can just be.

Well, enough break time, I need to get my assignment done. I'll add a few more photos below of our wedding and one more of the beach - just because.

 

Wedding In 2014

Yesterday was the last day of 2013 and I reflected back on the last couple of years. I began by remembering where I was on New Year's Eve 2012 and remembered being in a motel swimming pool in Tamworth at the beginning of my own personal road trip heading north, planning to see more of Australia and planning to catch up with some friends I had not seen in a while. My tent was packed and I had no time limits as I had no idea what I was going to do the following year. I didn't have a job, didn't know what I was going to do in the coming year, was chaffing at the bit to  move forward but had no idea of where 'forward' was.

By the time I had returned from my road trip at the beginning of February, I had developed some kind of goal for the coming year. I began packing boxes, making phone calls and saying goodbye to the wonderful friends I had met in 2012. Saying goodbye is never easy and words of "I'll stay in touch" while made more possible by emails and Facebook still don't quite mean the same as being just around the corner. When I got to this new place, it didn't take me long at all to feel settled. I began studying a Master of Education majoring in Educational Guidance and Counselling, I found a place that I could call home and Milly, my Labrador puppy came and playfully added something more to my life.

By July I had a place to work where I quickly made friends and continued to engage in teaching - a passion/lifestyle job that I enjoy and although it was only part time at first, it reminded me of how much I love teaching! I started trying another church, quite bigger than the first one but I was impressed by it's welcome and the fact that although it was bigger than others I had attended, it did not have the feel of being an 'entertainment centre'. I joined a home group that I enjoyed going to and made friends there too. Along the way, Andrew persisted in his pursuit of my friendship and in early December, we officially got engaged although we had already discussed it before that. We had decided early on that if we did get engaged, it would be a short engagement and hence, we are getting married on Sunday, January 12th.

 

People's responses to our engagement have been varied and some have been surprised by the apparent quickness of it all. Those who have walked with me in my journey and who have cried with me when I have cried, who have listened to my pain over the last couple of years since Dave's passing and who have seen the steps I have taken in this journey, have also celebrated with me, the love and friendship that Andrew has brought into my life. 2013 has been a year of unexpected pleasant surprises and a reminder that God does bring healing and restoration into our lives. A year ago, I did not expect to be in this place - in any aspects - and yet, here I am.

A "friend" complained to me that I had a wonderful life and that it seemed unfair that things go so well with me. That friend has seen only the last 10 or so months of my life and if she knew what I had been through to get to this point, maybe she wouldn't be quite so envious of what it took to get here. It hasn't been easy but I am thankful for the many blessings that I have in my life. I believe I have also learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself in and to trust God when all seems dark and the trail seems overgrown with fallen tree limbs, rocks and seemingly impassable tracks to follow.

As our wedding day approaches, I am thankful for Andrew and the love he has for me. His desire is to first serve God and to secondly be a good husband to me and he prays for that daily. Although we love each other, we are still needing to learn to trust each other, communicate together and find the way to honour and cherish each other.

At times, I find myself reflecting on the life that I thought I would have had with Dave. I miss my family and friends in the States and miss the lifestyle we had planned together. I am able to talk to Andrew about this and he responds with "Well, we are going to have to save up so that we can go and visit them as soon as possible." Life with Dave didn't turn out how I expected it to and sometimes I wonder if it will this time. I have told Andrew that I want to die first because I don't want to have to go through the pain I have already been through, again. As if we have a say in it.

Friends of mine are looking forward to the year ahead and along with them, so do Andrew and I. I know that I need to continue to be thankful for what (and who) I have in my life and to truly treasure each day that God has given me to live. As I did last year, I want to continue to make good choices about living a life that is honouring to God. I want to continue to do my best in my study and in my work and use my gifts and talents for that purpose. Now I need to add to that 'list', that I want to be a good wife to Andrew. He has not been married before and he has brought so much happiness to my life, encouraging me to laugh and have fun. When I am acting 'silly' and playful, he not only tolerates and accepts that about me but also enjoys it. When I am serious and need to talk and share, he listens carefully. When he hurts me and I express that, he apologises and seeks to put things right.

Part of me quietly considers whether this wonderful guy will continue to be so wonderful but as I eat another slice of banana/chocolate chip cake that he has baked, I put it in the Lord's hands knowing that with Him all things are possible and as He is the one who brought Andrew into my life, He is also the one we will trust to lead us.