Live Real

It's late and I hadn't planned on writing another blog post and especially not about what I am about to write about. Sometimes I write blog posts in my head and some of those ideas make it to this blogsite and others get lost in the morning or seem irrelevant when I sit down to write. I was going to share about a devotion I read by Joyce Meyer about serving a God of excellence. She wrote,

"Satan tempts us to live a low life, but God tempts us to come up higher. One of the worst mistakes we can make is to get complacent, thinking that what we have right now is okay. A mindset of low expectations holds us back because God can only do through us what we believe for."

I do want to live a life of excellence and I am putting down roots prayerfully as to what I need to be doing and how I should be living, using my gifts to love God and others. Tonight, I went along to church because they were showing a film called, "Not a Fan" as part of a series they will be studying in their home groups and for church services during August. It's about being genuine and following God whole-heartedly. I guess the theme is coming out loud and clear. At church, I met up with friends from work and I was also introduced to two of the pastors and a couple other people. I've been attending that church for a few months now so it was good to meet them and after a short time of worship, communion and greetings, it was time to watch the film.

The movie started off with a husband collapsing, his daughter calling 911 and the daughter and wife heading to the hospital behind the ambulance. When they get to the hospital, they walk past the ambulance and into the hospital.

There are other bits to that introduction but that is almost exactly how it was when Dave collapsed. He hadn't been feeling well all day and we were upstairs about to retire for the night. He sat up and fell forward on to the floor. I called for Dianne and she called 911. Dave was showing signs of being partly conscious. He held my hand and as I told him I loved him, he squeezed it tightly. He opened his eyes, rolled over and put his head in my lap. The paramedics came and took him off in the ambulance and Dianne and I got in my car and drove to the hospital. When we got there, we walked past the ambulance with the doors still open and were ushered into a waiting room. It was about 20 minutes (or maybe longer) that the chaplain (or was it the doctor) came and told us that Dave had passed away even though they had tried resuscitating him for 20 minutes or so. We went to where he was and he looked like he was asleep.

Next Friday, the 2nd August is the 2nd anniversary of that night and I have been thinking about that for the last couple of days and even trying to organize a night with friends so that I can do something to celebrate Dave's life rather than stay home and feel sorry for myself. When I watched that film tonight, I could not stop the tears. In the film, the husband died and at the funeral service they reflected on his life and the difference he had made to so many people after he chose to live a life that pleased God. Throughout the film, there were close ups of his wife and I could identify with the emotions and her actions. Sometimes I had to close my eyes because the pain was so raw.

Sometimes it can feel easier being here away from others grieving because I can focus on missing Dave and not so much on his death but watching that movie tonight, brought back that night, the following week after it and all the emotions and intense pain and heartache. So, when I got home tonight, I felt like I was just going through the motions. I put the rubbish bins out on the curb, fed the dog and watched TV. Most of the night, tears fell as I reflected on the movie and I reflected on that night back in August 2011. It hurts.

I'm going to go to bed and pray that I sleep well tonight. Tomorrow, I need to get working on my assignment due in less than 3 weeks and it won't be long before I am working full time so if anything, I need to get ahead. To try and leave on a positive note, I will add a photo I saw on Patsy Clairmont's Facebook page.

Sunset At the End of Another Day

This morning when the phone rang at 6:41am and it was only 1 degree Celsius, (33.8 Fahrenheit) I wasn't resentful of being invited to go and work for a day with the class I will be teaching full time at the end of this term. Apart from wanting to stay in my nice bed and get a bit of a sleep in, I had no 'excuse' for not working. I have mostly caught up in my study for it only being week 2 of this semester, I had taken Milly to the vet to have her stitches out and paid for her council registration, I had had my long overdue, routine doctor's check up and apart from thinking about going to the heated pool to swim some laps and begin work on my assignment, I had no plans that couldn't be changed.

Going to work was great and even though I was only filling in for the day, I was given time to start thinking/planning for when I am working there. I spoke with the special needs teacher at length, about some of the concerns and needs of students in my classroom, the principal spoke with me about joining the girls on a camp coming up and I was able to start 'dreaming' about what my style will be when teaching those students. I also spoke with another staff member who has done counseling at uni and may have a developmental psychology textbook to lend me for my next assignment due in 4 weeks time.

It was good to have a positive day. Last night when I was trying to sleep, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, thinking about loss, the consequences of losses I have had to deal with over the past five years and thinking about how it's not fair. I uploaded a photo of a sunset today and a friend asked when I said, "The end of another day" what I meant by it. To be honest, ever since Dave passed away, at the end of each day, I often think, "Well, I got through another day" and I sigh. It is what it is and I can't change that. I know I have to keep moving forward. I know I am in the right place and for the most part, I enjoy this new stage of my life but I still have to deal with the consequences and aftermath of Dave passing away. I still have to figure out logistics and  make decisions that are right... on my own.

I have talked to ladies this week who have shared part of their story with me and their own challenges of life. I heard a song that Gary Allan sings and it sums up my thoughts on all this. It's called, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful".

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
 But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

I'm not sure yet whether I agree it's a beautiful ride but I know there are some beautiful times in the midst of struggling. The day I left my home in Reardan, I cried out to God wondering why He took Dave and not me. Dave had a job, a home, a family and I was returning to Australia as a widow needing to start all over again. It has been challenging. Perhaps I have grown and am stronger but it has come at great cost. Life isn't always beautiful but it sure can have a beautiful sunset at the end of another day.  

And who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Getting Better

I got up this morning and walking past the toilet, I saw a big, black spider scuttling across the floor so I stomped on it in my slippered feet and made sure it was dead. The other day, there had been a spider in the corner of the ceiling in the loungeroom and I had left it alone and now I don't know where it is. It wasn't the same spider because the one I killed was black, not brown but from now on, I am not going to hesitate when I see a spider although Nathan said that daddy-long-legs keep the bad spiders away. I haven't seen any daddy long leg spiders around. Snakes and spiders are not things one wants to come across in Australia as 9 out of 10 of the most venomous snakes in the world live in Australia and there are also deadly spiders too.

Milly caught her first mouse the other day. It was getting on dark and I thought her tongue looked strange so called her over to me. She proudly presented the mouse and dropped it on the back doorstep. Not being well, I showed little interest in it so she took it away and played with it on the grass.

I had some friends come and stay over on Tuesday night as they were travelling back to Victoria. I had a lovely time with them and reminded them how freezing cold it gets down south. We were rugged up that night, under a throw rug complaining about the cold when we realized that the temperature was a 'maximum' for Victoria's day time weather. Winter is lovely up here as you can see by the photo taken 4 days ago. It can get cold at night but after a spate of freezing night temperatures the week I was away, it hasn't been that bad. Then again, we are only half way through winter. I managed to get caught up on mowing the yard last weekend but will probably need to mow it again in another couple weeks.

After my friends left on Wednesday morning, I threw a load of washing in the machine and as I had a pretty bad headache, headed for bed until it was done. Unfortunately, the headache was just the beginning of a gastro virus and I only got up after that, to use the bathroom. The clean and wet washing stayed in the washing machine for a couple of days although I had opened the lid. I didn't care what happened to it. I didn't have the energy to care about anything, even the dishes in the sink. I slept and ached and slept. Yesterday morning, after 3 days of being sick, I declared myself 'well' on Facebook and then my stomach churned again and half an hour after being up, I was back in bed again. It is no fun being sick and it is even worse when you are on your own. While most of the time I was too sick to care, there were times when I wished for someone to care for me. Left alone with my memories and thoughts, it was hard to be positive.

At one 'well' moment during that period, I went to check emails and delete useless emails from my yahoo account which I rarely use. While I was there, I read a few emails Dave had sent me and that made me cry some more and wish he was there with me. All our hopes and dreams, our decisions and our plans were shattered when he passed away and I still miss him every day. I was watching a TV show and a young girl asked someone, "How do you get over the loss of a loved one?" and the reply was so true, "You don't ever get over it. They remain a part of you forever and you learn to live without them." (or something like that.)

I was wondering what to do with my 'egg chair'. When I had it on the back verandah, Milly had thought it was worth chewing on and when I realized this, (after seeing bits of white thread pieces all over the ground) I put the basket into the shed so that she couldn't get at it but left the metal frame outside. Before my friends arrived, I decided to move it to the corner in the front porch. It is a great place for it and I use it for reading and even watching the sun set. I am so glad I thought of it. Before my friends left, they put the bulls-horns on the rear window of my car and it is bright pink. I like it even though it was bigger than I first thought and takes up the whole window. My brother-in-law Dan said when he saw the photo "Looks like a lot of bull to me... kind of a feminine bull at that!" which made me laugh. I miss him and the rest of Dave's family, too.

Now that I am well again, I will need to catch up on my studies. I'm only half a week behind as I had started the module for the advanced counseling subject but I had planned on getting ahead because all too soon, I will be teaching full-time again and then will have limited time to work on my course. Well, the sun is out and I am feeling 90-95% better so things are looking brighter. Maybe I will go and eat my lunch on the front porch and perhaps read for a bit, in my hanging basket/egg chair.

New possibilities...?

I was going to use roundup on the weeds in the backyard today while Milly was at the Vet's but the skies were grey and threatening rain and even when I hung my washing out on the line, the air was damp. Even though it didn't rain hard, I justified not having done it also because it was very windy. I'll just have to pull the weeds in the backyard although it was the steep grassy patch that I can't get the mower to that I was going to spray in order to get rid of that patch before the snakes found it in summer.

Milly survived the operation and is very quiet this evening. When I went to pick her up, the vet assistant came to help me get her in the car but for the first time ever, Milly got in the car without any help. I think she was anxious to come home. I gave her a bone to chew but she was ravenous and was eating it up so I gave her some food and even after she ate that, she continued to finish off the bone. The instructions from the vet said that only a light meal should be given the day after the op so she hadn't eaten in 48 hours! Tonight, I am going to let her sleep in the bathroom but when I called her in to the house, she refused to come in until I got the lead and pulled her through the door. She knows her place is outside. She gets the stitches out in 10-14 days time.

Anyway, as you know, I have been struggling over the past few days and although some of it may be hormonal, some of it may be just the 'downer' after a good few weeks or some of it because of the circumstances I find myself in. While platitudes say that we choose the life we have, we don't always have control over the circumstances and sometimes it gets tiring always trying to be positive and set a 'good example'. I've heard those words for years and I think it is more important to be real and genuine. Many people having lost a spouse, have 'melt downs'. They turn to alcohol, sleeping the day away, get very depressed or throw a tantrum but I feel the pressure is on me to be 'above such things', stay positive and smile regardless of the grief. That is why the song "Just Cry" is so pertinent to me.

However, I don't want to stay put on the pity potty and I want to continue to move forward. One of the things I have been struggling with is that I am on my own and just like it was at the start of last year, if anything happened to me, it would be some time before another person would know. It is very hard to break into friendship groups and although I have a good selection of friends, I know that other people on their own also struggle. I spoke to the principal of the school I will be teaching at and he told me that he admires the fact that I am proactive, and that although I have had hurts in the past, I still move forward. He also said that he sees the joy of the Lord in my life. (paraphrased) I was really encouraged to hear those words.

I spoke to a pastor of a large church yesterday in order to find a home group that I could attend and he admitted that there isn't a singles ministry in the church for people over 35. He added "yet" but he had also misinterpreted what I had said so I didn't give a response. However, I went home and thought about that and looked around me and the needs here in this city. Where does a Christian single person of 35+ go to find/make new friends? Although I am fairly proactive about meeting people, it is still limited and there are others who would struggle more than I and who would not have the resources to do something about it.

I got to thinking and praying that maybe I need to be part of a team doing something about it in this town. I ran the idea past the principal and he was very excited and said it would be a pleasure to support me in this and be a sounding board for me and he started rattling off more ideas and resources. I ran it past my friend Sharyn and she too, gave her support and encouragement. I have now emailed the few large churches I have attended and will see if any of them either have a ministry in this area that I could join or if they would be willing to help me get a team together and work something out. Whichever church responds, will be the church I will make myself a part of and I would be happy in any of them. I do not feel it would be wise to do this without the backing of a church and in the meantime, I will write my ideas down, continue to pray about it and see where God leads.

I do feel at home in this place as I have said many times before but I also need to be putting down roots and getting involved. This might be a direction I can go and at the moment, I have the time to initiate something like this. As I get more work and continue study, my time may become more limited so now is when I could put more work and effort into getting it up and running. Well, like I said, we will see. In my devotions today I read:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.See, I am doing a new thing!Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the wildernessand streams in the wasteland. — Isaiah 43:18–19

Each of us has a powerful choice. We have the ability to create our own simplified future by starting with a blank sheet of paper and a heart surrendered to God’s will for our lives.

Choose to leave the past behind, and begin living a life filled with new possibilities!

Time Moves On

For the last two days, I have worn my 'work' clothes around home so that I can finish the mowing and weeding. For the last two days, I have not done any yard work despite the fact that I now have my new lawn mower which is self-propelled and a necessity when there is three-quarters of an acre to mow. I did catch up on mowing the back yard which is why I am procrastinating on doing the front yard although, logically speaking, it should motivate me to get the front yard done before it gets as bad as the backyard was! I am glad Nathan was here when I bought it as he was able to get the very heavy mower out of the car when I got it home.

 I have been away at my nephew's wedding and had a wonderful time. I enjoyed the road trip and kept friends and family informed of my progress/safety. Before I arrived at Dad's, I stopped to do some retail therapy with a friend and went to two favourite shops - a bookstore and a 'horse habits' store. I spent some time with Dad and it was good to catch up with him and get to know him a bit better. I used to joke that I was the 'best of my mum and dad' and while I was talking with Dad, I realized I am a lot like him, especially as we are both quick learners. At the wedding, a couple of my aunts commented on how much like my mum I am in the way of mannerisms and the way I talk. It was good to spend time with family and friends at the wedding. They also told me how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Before leaving to come back home, I caught up with some friends I taught with last year and other friends. It was good to be there but it was very good to come home.

Nathan and his girlfriend came back with me and spent just over a week with me. We had a really good time together and again I was reminded, of how much like me, Nathan is. He does have a very similar temperament and I am proud of the man he has grown to be. I hated saying goodbye to him last Saturday but then, I always hate saying goodbye. I know I will see him again but in the meantime I miss him and wish he lived closer. We surprised him with a pre 21st birthday celebration which became 21 gifts (including meals) and a birthday cake all starting with the letter N. We went sight seeing that day, visited different places and it was the best day to do it as it was raining in the morning and those planned places were all indoors. By the time we went to the park to play, it was warming up. (See the photo of Nathan and I arm wrestling.)

Milly got plenty of exercise while I was away as she stayed at my friends' farm and they have 3 other dogs plus chickens, pigs and cows. We went and picked her up the morning after we got home and watched Milly chase and corner a chook that had gotten into the yard. My friend rescued the hen and threw it out of the yard. Nathan and Milly bonded well. They (Nathan, his g/f and Milly) went on jogs to the lookout at the top of the mountain, played in the backyard and Nathan added to my training of her. Tomorrow she is going to get spayed and will stay overnight at the vet's. I am glad they are so thorough in their care of animals. While she is there, I will get my tax return filed and will hopefully get some money back and then some visitors are arriving and staying overnight on their way home to Victoria.

I got both assignments back and got an A so my overall grade in both subjects was B. I feel that I am off to a good start for my Master of Education course and I am very happy with the progress I have made. This semester I am only going to do one subject and hopefully will pick up more paid employment along the way. Everything is going well and I know that I am right where I belong for the moment. But, although  some may not want to hear this, it doesn't mean that I suddenly don't grieve for Dave. While I travel and see trucks on the road, my mind goes back to my time with Dave and the road trips we did. As I see parts of Australia, I wish he was there to share it with me. When some guys indicate an 'interest' in me, I compare them to Dave and they don't match up. I realize that Dave still (and always will) hold a piece of my heart. He wasn't perfect but I loved him with all that I had.

When I shared that song, "Just Cry" in my last post, it wasn't a backward step, it is how I feel many times. Although I know that I have so many blessings and can see God's hand at work in my life, turning things around for good, it doesn't mean that I forget the life I had with Dave or that I wish he was still alive and that we were sharing our life and dreams together. When I check Facebook, and see what his family and friends are doing, it hurts me because I am not a part of their life as I would be if Dave was still alive. I am also reminded that my friends and family here, have never met Dave and never been a part of the life he and I had as a couple. When I was talking with Dad, some things he said made me wish Dave was there too because they would have gotten on so well together. I think grieving here on my own, without others who are grieving Dave, has made it harder in some ways, than if I was there in the States with them. Sometimes, I just want to jump on a plane and go and be with Dave's family just so I can soak up the love they have for me because I was Dave's wife. I know that's unrealistic at the moment. I have a life here and as time moves on, so must I.

When I was having a pity party on my own yesterday, I got frustrated by some of the devotional emails I had received. Although the words were truth, I felt they were clichés and I wondered if the authors of the words really understood what it is to grieve. Words such as:

 The journey of grief is one that you must ultimately decide to complete. You cannot remain where you are right now. Time moves forward, and so must you.
The Lord’s plan for your life is pure and simple during this time of grief:
What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.— Micah 6:8.

It's important to realize that just because you are alone, it doesn't mean you must be lonely or lonesome. While it may not always be possible to avoid being alone, there are always answers to loneliness.
God's Word tells us to be strong and courageous, for God is always with us. In the natural, you may be alone, but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely, because spiritually, God is always there. He will never leave you or forsake you. 

Anyway, although I know those words are true, sometimes they do little to comfort me at the present time. Words are easily said but it's harder to live them out. As one of those lines said though, time moves forward and so must I. I know this is a longer than usual post but then again, I haven't written in awhile so I had to make up for it. Even so, I haven't said all that I could say. Here's a photo I took while I was visiting one of the beaches in Victoria. It's so pretty!!! And I had forgotten how cold the weather is there and how warm, in comparison, it is here.

Just Cry

The last few weeks have been really good as I've had the opportunity to catch up with family and friends and then had my son Nathan and his girlfriend here for just over a week. They left yesterday. I don't think saying goodbye to Nathan gets any easier. Also, on the road trip, I was reminded constantly of memories with Dave and then that made me miss him more. Sometimes I feel like I take one step back for every step or two forward. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I know God holds me in His hands and loves me more than I can even imagine but it can still hurt when I think of Dave and the life we will never have together.

So I had a pretty bad day today and then I just heard this song and it sums up everything so well for me. It's sung by Mandisa.



Just Cry

Why you gotta act so strong?
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me that nothing's wrong
It's obvious you're not in a good place
Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry
Just cry

It doesn't mean you don't trust him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything.

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
But tonight it's alright

Just cry

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face