Part of My Journey

My house is almost completely empty and my heart is eager to begin the next part of my journey. Tomorrow I hit the road and head north to the next chapter of my life. I am excited and at peace about this new part of the garden trail and believe that this is where I am meant to be. A good friend sent me a message recently:

".. I am happy to know you have something to work on that is positive for you. I believe the pressure to change course will take you to a better and more fulfilling job in the future. Something that you have had on your heart for sometime...I look forward to following your progress because you do the work well and the needs of our  youth are great."

I am so aware of the encouragement and support I have been getting from friends and family  who love me and who are also a part of my journey. I have been richly blessed to have such an amazing group of people who embrace me with their kindness, surround me with their love and who do all they can to walk beside me, some of those are even from the other side of the world. Those people take an interest in who I am, they get to know me and they respond accordingly. I have had friends who have shared meals with me, friends who have helped with packing (which is an overwhelming job when you're  on your own) and friends who have seen needs and 'fixed' it for me. If you are one of those friends, then thank you so much!

When I got confirmation from the Uni this year that I had been accepted into the Master of Education program, I was so excited and relieved. It was confirmation that I was headed in the right direction. I was even more excited than I thought I would be. I now have a direction in which to head and have not had that for some time. In the past, I have felt like I was just marking time, existing to get through each day but now I see a purpose for getting up in the mornings and living each day.

A wise friend recently said to me, "Don't be surprised if you get there and you have a melt down even though things are going great!" and I confessed that had already happened. Not long after I announced that I had received confirmation I had been accepted into the Masters program, I started crying because I missed Dave. We had talked about me taking this step together and now he wasn't here to share it with me. A friend said, "He would have been so  proud of you!" and I replied, "I know. That's one of the reasons I wish he was here now." I want to see his eyes light up and feel him hug me. It's such a wonderful step forward. (I wish I could add "for both of us.")

I am not expecting to get much sleep tonight. I have packed my car for as much as I can and it won't take long for me to finish it off in the morning. I hope to be gone by 10am and won't need to stop and take photos along the way this time. Since all my stuff was picked up yesterday, I am eager to get going myself.  I want to 'get this show on the road'. I had a nap this afternoon. I usually don't succumb to naps if I want to sleep at night but I knew I would be too excited to sleep, I will be lying in bed thinking "I hope morning comes soon. I want to get going..."

 

So please pray safe travelling for me, that I find my own place quickly, that my stuff arrives safely and that things continue to fall into place. I know they will. I am confident that the Lord who has never once left me on my own, will be faithful for this time, too.

The Edge

When I came back to Australia, I looked for a car to buy and ended up choosing a Rav4 and one of the things I liked about it was that it was The Edge series. That appealed to me for a number of reasons and one of them is because sometimes I feel like I am living close to the edge which does not always foster the feeling of being safe. I picture standing on the edge of a cliff with the ocean thundering below and yet I am being held in place because I deliberately choose to be there. On the other hand, sometimes we can feel like we are on the edge of 'losing it' or on the edge of a new beginning.

Yesterday, I was packing up the bookshelf and I picked up the book by Sandi Patty called, "The Edge of the Divine". I had bought the book when I went to the Women of Faith seminar in Spokane, September 2011, just a month after Dave had passed away. I met Sandi Patty as you may recall from one of  my first blog posts at this site and that song in particular became very important to me. As I read the first few pages of Sandi's book, I read the following:

"A dictionary defines the word edge in several ways, but my favorite is 'the point at which something is likely to begin.'..  I deliberately chose to step off, not knowing what would happen but trusting God to work it all out for my good, just like Romans 8:28 promises." p5

"But here's the thing: an edge is the point at which something is likely to begin. It may not happen automatically. The edge may be a choice.." p7

"When making the right choices feels like stepping over the edge of a cliff into the unknown, it's a scary situation. With experience we learn to take that scary step, make that right choice. We can't know exactly how things will turn out, but we know God is right there with us, and he'll make even the worst things work for our good. When we believe that, we can 'stand fearlesss at the cliff-edge of doom courageous in seastorm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift moutntains.. God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.'(Psalm. 46:2-3)" p8

As I have been packing up things ready for my next move, I have come across photographs and other things that remind me of the good times I shared with Dave. Sometimes it can be distracting as I get lost in thinking back to that time and  more often than not, wishing he was here moving forward with me. It seems that many people think that this next move is exciting and it is but sometimes I feel that they forget it's not just exciting, it's also scary. It reminds me of my loss, my alone-ness and the fact that I am starting all over again. While it is true that I make friends easily, I still have to say goodbye to those new friends as I take this next step. I  know, and have proven, that friends are friends forever and it's not really goodbye but it is still change and it will be different and I will have to go through the whole process of settling in and there will be a whole lot of new things to get used to.

So I am standing on the edge. It won't be long before I'll be on the road again and driving to my next destination. I am looking forward to this new beginning as I feel like I have something to aim for and a purpose and I am getting to do something I have been thinking about doing for years. I don't know how things will turn out but I do trust and know that God will be right there with me, as He has been all along this journey. I also know that He will provide me with whatever I need on a daily basis whether it be a job/money, a home, safe travelling or guidance. Never once has He left me on my own and time and time again, He has proven that He is faithful.

The Edge of the Divine (sung by Sandi Patty)

I'm looking over the edge
I see You waiting for me
Eyes open, face to the wind
Your arms are reaching for me
These chains have held me here,
Bound up in lies
But you say it's time I should fly!

From the edge of the divine
I can leap into Your arms
And Your love will catch me
Unafraid to fall
Into everything You are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine

I've spent too much precious time
Rehearsing memories and loss
That Your blood has covered but I...
I must leave it all at the cross
Doubt whispers in my ear
Is it safe beyond these tears?
If I should fly

From the edge of the divine
I can leap into Your arms
And your love will catch me
Unafraid to fall into everything You are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine

Into the wonders of Your mercy
Into the fullness of Your love
I am a child who's been forgiven
And You are enough
Yes, You are enough

Unafraid to fall into everything You are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying I am flying
From the edge of the divine

From the edge of the divine

Valentines Day 2013 aka Live Life

I am thankful that Valentines Day in Australia is not as 'big' as it is in the States and so the stores are not full of red heart boxes of chocolates, teddybears, cards and romantic ads advertising the best way to celebrate Valentines Day. However, I was fully aware that it was Valentines Day and late this afternoon, I picked up the white teddy bear that Dave gave me for the only Valentines Day day we got to celebrate it together and cuddled it while watching a movie called, "The Way".  Throughout the day, I thought about that Valentines Day and remembered going shopping with Dave. Whenever Dave bought a card for someone, he would spend a lot of time reading the words in a card and would choose the one that would best say the words that he couldn't say. I still have the beautiful Valentines Day card he gave me in 2011.

Valentines Day is also the same day as my mum's birthday and mum passed away in June of 1999 so that's another thought on my mind on this day. Add to the fact that I had to speak to the removalist about moving next weekend and as you can imagine, it was an emotional day for me. My mum and I were very close and her encouragement and advice was something I treasured when she was alive and something I miss on so many occasions since her passing away. Mum knew me and accepted me and as I have faced and had to deal with so many changes over these past 3+ years, it would have been comforting at times to have had her input.

A friend came around today to help me pack but we ended up sharing and getting to know each other a bit better. I started showing her photos of my road trip but then talked about Dave, about our life together, showed her photos of our wedding and did show her some photos of the celebration of Dave's life except that I had to hold back the tears so decided not to show her more.

Getting back to the movie, "The Way" - If you have not seen it, I strongly urge you to watch it as it's an excellent, thought provoking movie. Make sure you have a box of tissues with you. I cried through most of it but it is still worth watching. It's about a man who goes on a pilgrimage in honour of his son who had been killed by a storm at the start of his journey. His dad decides to finish it for him and meets other pilgrims along the way. His son had said to him,

"You don't choose a life, you live one."

Those words resonate strongly within me as I reflect on my road trip, reflect on the changes I have had to make in my life and as a new future draws near again when I will have to start all over again in a new job, new home, new place and make more new friends.  Recently one of my friends said to me, "You don't do things by half, do you?!" and as we laughed I was reminded of how my mum used to say the same thing. A lot of people have been very encouraging of the next step I am taking in my journey and have voiced their enthusiasm as well as their desire to remain part of my journey. The thing is, I didn't choose some of the things that have happened to me and they certainly aren't what I would have chosen. Hey, if I could have, I would have given anything to have had Dave and I sharing life for more years to come, but it didn't happen like that.

So now I have to live life. Live the life that I can live and continue not to do anything by halves. God didn't create me with half a personality, half a desire or to be half hearted about living or even loving. I didn't choose a life, but I am living life and I intend to live it the way God created me to live it.
Thank you to those who love me and I am thankful that you are part of my life!

Moving Along The Road I Didn't Plan

This morning I received an email from my favourite brother-in-law and he commented about my reflections of the 3+ years that I had emailed him about. Three years??!! It's hard to believe that only three years ago I was embarking on moving to go and live in the States and be married to my best friend, Dave. I was so excited and so happy! Only three years? It seems like a lifetime ago and so much has happened in that time.  Three years ago the future was bright, the future was going to be shared with Dave, we were going to make a new life together and go forward together, no matter what it took. We knew it would have it's problems but we also knew we could face and overcome them. We had no idea of what would happen in the next few years but as the words say in the song, "Beautiful":

So this missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me
You're not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had
My thoughts began to hear you
But one thing I know is true
I'll bless the day that I found you.

The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn't waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again
Cuz it was beautiful
It was beautiful

It wasn't all easy but I loved him and still love him so much. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of him and I'm not sure there's a day that goes by when tears don't fall wishing he was still here with me. But I have to move on and forward and I take my memories of Dave with me wherever I go.

So three years later I stand upon a road that I didn't plan three years ago and couldn't forsee taking without Dave. I am moving interstate to go and take up a course at University that I have been thinking about doing for the last five years or so. I am going to aim for a Masters in Education and major in Guidance and Counselling. (for youth) I will study part time and teach on a casual basis and hopefully get a teaching job full time. At the moment my application to university is being reviewed and it might be that I will have to do other subjects in order to qualify for the Masters but the goal is still to complete my Masters.

With regards to teaching interstate, although my teacher registration is recognised and accepted, because I lived in the States for more than 12 consecutive months I have to do more paperwork in order to get an FBI/police clearance for my time there. Paperwork seems to be the bane of my life and I can't ever avoid it and there's never a simple quick fill in the blanks application form.

My furniture will be moved at the end of next week and kept in storage until I have my own place for it to be sent to. The removalist told me that it would be better if they could move it straight there but as my plans are to stay with my friend until I have a place, it is the way it has to be. The last time I packed was 16 months ago to leave the States. My husband has passed away only two months earlier and I was leaving my family and friends there, my home, and moving across the ocean to start all over again. My heart was not in my return to Australia although I knew it was the practical way to go. Every item I packed held significance for my life with Dave and when I unpacked to set up my home here, it still brought on the tears.

Now as I pack, although I know the future is before me and I am excited about what it holds, it also reminds me of the dreams Dave and I had shared that were unfulfilled. It reminds me of my great loss in losing my husband and my home but it also reminds me of what we shared together and I am thankful for Dave being such a big part of my life. It's hard to pack away memories and photos again but at the same time, I am looking forward to unpacking in my new home and feel like I am taking Dave with me.

The other day I was driving along and I heard the song, "Need You Now". No matter what I go through even though the future looks bright and it is exciting, the last few years have proven that we don't know what tomorrow holds and the plans we have, we need to give to the Lord with an open hand knowing that He alone knows the plans He has made for us. I know I have grown over the last few years and although some people think I am brave and intrepid, I know that I can not move forward without God walking alongside me. So I'm going to finish this post with the lyrics to "Need You Now."

Need You Now: (How many times)

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

Chorus

Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

Chorus

I need you now
I need you now

 

Change is Upon Me.... Again.

Change is upon me again
Hovering, pulling, pushing me forward
And although I want to ignore it, I know that I
Need to heed it's call, take hold of it and
Grow if I am to move forward and begin
Enjoying life and living once again.

Recently I had the privilege of travelling the Eastern side of Australia, from Melbourne, Vic to Dubbo, to Tamworth, to Coffs Harbour and Casino (all in NSW) to Brisbane/Gold Coast, Goombungee (Toowoomba), Sunshine Coast, Maryborough (all in Queensland) then south via Tamworth (again), Blackheath/Blue Mountains, Tumut/Snowy Mountains (NSW) and to Molyullah/Benalla (Vic) and home again. During that time, I swam in the sea, in the pool, saw views that words and photos can not capture the full beauty of, rode a horse, went on a boat to Fraser Island, took lots of photos, drank a lot of frozen drinks, went to Seaworld, Wet n' wild amusements parks, the Australian Outback Spectacular show, saw Les Miserables with friends, caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, slept in my tent, drove my car 6,400kms and came back refreshed and ready (or so I thought) for whatever the new year might hold.

That trip will be something I never forget and I know that God used it to heal a lot of hurts in my life and bring closure to some things I have tried to block out of my mind but needed to open again so God could bring healing. It was wonderful to catch up with friends and renew the closenesss once more. With each friend I stayed with, I felt loved and encouraged and I knew that goodbye was really "see you later" which wasn't so bad. My friends opened up their homes and their hearts, shared their life with me and made me feel that I was valuable to each of them, as they are to me.

As I drove many miles, I thought of Dave often and wished he was there enjoying it with me. He would have loved it all as he too, loved being outdoors, loved swimming in the sea and riding through mountains. I missed him over and over again and cried more tears for the loss of our life together. In a way though, my grieving was positive as it helped me to remember the good times shared and remember the closeness we had together. It also reminded me of the person Dave was and why I loved him so much! I remembered the way he would touch me, the look in his eyes, the way he held me, his laughter and the life he had shared with me and taught me to love, too.

While on my trip, I also kept searching for teaching jobs but even the ones I found and applied for, were not given to me. I have to keep asking the question, "What now?" and keep wondering what do I want to do? If I could do anything, what would that be? Before Dave passed away, we were looking into what that might be and if I was to study further, what would I choose to study and I had started collecting information on courses and universities that might cater to my interests and passion. We thought that I could go and further my education while teaching and were taking steps to make that happen.

When I came home, I spent some time discussing my possible 'future' with my son Nathan and his girlfriend and they are very supportive and encouraging of whatever I decide I need to do. They are also very proud of how far I have come. So we made a list of some things I need to do today to begin stepping forward, but when I woke up this morning, I lacked motivation.  I pottered around, heard the school bell ring and thought of all my friends who are gainfully employed today and thought about the fact that here I am alone, unemployed and needing to start all over again. Nathan said to me yesterday that I need to re-invent myself again and I wondered how many more times I  will need to do that. I am tired of moving, tired of starting all over again and tired of being on my own.

On the other hand, I know I have nothing to lose and that my next step forward will be a step in settling down and putting down roots again. I know that God does have a purpose for my life and I know how richly blessed I am with love of friends and family.  Even today, one of my friends from the States, wrote to tell me some news and tell me that he and his wife were praying for me. When I told him how I was feeling, he wrote back and simply said, "I love you, too Carolanne." which made me cry all over again but in a good way. People don't realise how hearing those three simple words can mean so much from family and friends.

When I was at the Tamworth Country Music Festival, Steve Messer and Strange Country sang a song and the words of the chorus said, "Take care of your heart but always leave room for love."
So until I know what I must do, I  will keep pushing myself to get out of bed each day and to take one step forward at a time. I will also keep in mind that I need to take care of my heart but always leave room for love.