Too Much

I  am going to start this blog post by apologising to anyone who might have been personally offended by what I wrote in my last blog post. It was not an attack on you, it was an honest sharing of how I have felt in the midst of my grief at this Christmas time. In fact, if I ever refer to people in a general  way and/or comment on their negative actions, it is not people who read my blog or of any of my close friends or family. I am so aware that you love me and are praying for me and very appreciative of your support. I deleted that post which is probably why those who get the blog emailed, got an 'extra' one from last June. I don't know why it sends out an old post when I delete a recent one, I just know that it does.

Last night I sat down to watch a movie with my friend Danni and we ate some of the chocolate stash I have on the kitchen counter. There is still too much so I will take some to my side of the family's Christmas party. Coming from a large family (I am one of 6 kids) means that it should make a sizeable dent into how much gets eaten. The other day, I gave a box of chocolates to another friend who had invited me for lunch and she gave me one for a Christmas present. It seems that the more I give, the more is given back to me.

The movie Danni and I watched was one that Dave and I had enjoyed together. It's an action movie called, "Taken". It seems that as the time draws closer to Christmas, I am constantly remembering times that Dave and I shared. Someone will make an off-hand remark and I'll be reminded of something Dave said or the way he would look or words that he would say. I still miss him so much and now that next year is so uncertain as I don't know what I will be doing, I have more time to reminisce.

The Christmas tree is up and presents are under it, including presents that my sweet step-daughter sent over to me for Nathan, his girlfriend and me. She sent some BBQ flavored pork skins which is one of her favourite treats and not something one can buy here. I have almost finished preparing the house for Christmas. I want to put on the Christmas table cloth that I bought for our table at home a couple years ago. As Danni sat on a couch, I picked up items that were scattered around the living room and explained to her what the memory was associated with each item. I showed her one of Dave's favourite mugs that I had bought him that said, "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

Today I feel a little empty. I am trying to get excited about Christmas and all the hype and good family times that go with it, but I am also just going through the motions of what it would look like if I was excited. There's a part of me that hopes the feelings that I should be having will come but another part of me that knows life will never be the same again. I know that I have much to be thankful for and I know that God has given me family and friends who love me and are praying for me. But it still hurts so much! I just want Dave to come and hold me the way he used to. He would hold me so tight while he slept through the night and sometimes I would lie awake just enjoying being held by him.

I know the meaning of Christmas is a time of celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus. I know that He is faithful and walking beside me. I also know that He is holding me and that He understands my heart, loves me unconditionally and wants what's best for me. Everyone talks about 'the new normal' as though it is neatly packaged and comes to those who wait patiently. It is still hard for me to know what the new normal is, what my life will be like and in fact, when I can get on with my life and have a job and a home, a place to put down roots. I don't like being in this uncertain, holding place. I don't like not knowing what I will be doing next year and I sure don't like hurting this much. I plod through each moment, going through the motions, hoping that there will be some purpose for me, soon. (Yesterday would have been nice!)

Do not be offended by the words I use to describe my pain. It is nothing personal. I know the words you speak are meant to be reassuring and are said with love and kindness but right now it is not words I need, just love, understanding and perhaps a hug.

I do hope you have an enjoyable Christmas and that 2013 brings you the richest of God's blessings: His unconditional love and grace, His peace that passes all understanding and His joy and hope for whatever you encounter in the new year.

Thank you for your love, support and prayers for me. I value you.

Live Life

There's a lot happening at this time of year and memories, thoughts, reflections run through my mind at a thousand miles per second. Sometimes I can make sense of things but when there is no making sense of some actions and thoughts, I choose how I will respond. On an application form recently, it asked if I was optimistic and I replied, "I choose to be optimistic". It would be so easy to get caught up in the pain or to dwell on uncertainty but that doesn't move me forward. I am learning that it's OK for me to cry and be hurt and acknowledge my disappointments but after that time, I need to make a choice to take a step forward without allowing the disappointment to become bitterness.

Yesterday I was in the bush and enjoying the peace and I felt like I belonged there. All the cares of the world were somewhere back on the bitumen road, not here on the dirt track with the river running over the rocks, the birds singing, mosquitoes buzzing and the rustling of the long grass that might have been a snake or just merely the breeze. I got out of the car and looked along the banks of the river. I saw trees with their roots reaching down to the water and I was reminded of Psalm 1.

Blessed is the one.... whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on His law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
whatever they do prospers.

I went to an interview and they asked me the usual "Where do you see yourself in five years time?" question and although I balked, I answered honestly. The thing is, my life in the past many years has not been my plans. Maybe I got to make a decision in some of my circumstances but those things can change so whatever plans I make, I need to make with an open hand and realise that I don't and can't, have control over everything. I did tell them though that my 'ultimate' dream is to be working with children and also to have a couple of acres, my own horse and be able to go riding whenever I had the time. The principal thought that sounded like a good plan.

I've been reading a book called, "Love Does" by Bob Goff and he wrote this:

I think God's hope and plan for us is pretty simple to figure out. For those who resonate with formulas, here it is: add your whole life, your loves, your passions, and your interests together with what God wants us to be about, and that's your answer... We're God's plan and we always have been. We aren't just supposed to be observers, listeners, or have a bunch of opinions.... Tell me about the God you love; tell me about what He has inspired uniquely in you; tell me about what you're going to do about it..."

As I've been reading that book, it's challenged me to live my life as the person God created me to be. It also challenges me to take risks and not get bogged down by disappointments. The other day I received a call saying I didn't get a job that I had been hoping to get and I cried for a bit but then I got online and searched for another job. Instead of just filling out an application form and posting it, I got in my car and drove to the town to look around. I wanted to make sure it was a place I would be happy to live in and I must admit, I loved it. It was a rather spontaneous  thing to do and I met a few people who were surprised by my actions but I was glad I did it. The longer I stayed by the river, the more I felt at peace with God, with me and with whatever my future might hold.

Sometimes I think we speak cliches and words that are meant to reassure but the words come easily because we've heard them before and we think that's what we are supposed to say. When we meet people who have wrestled with God, who have had their hearts wrenched about and have felt the pain of life because they've got involved and taken risks, we are more apt to listen to them and yet, they often don't speak out loud. We 'hear' their encouragement as they walk alongside us and love us.

We often try to fit God into neat little cliches too but He doesn't fit. Sort of like the Incredible Hulk breaks out of his clothes, God breaks out of the box and does things that are way beyond our imagination. He loves us in a way that makes us gasp in amazement. I remember one time, Dave and I were walking through the woods near Mom and Dad Flowers' home and I was pointing out the beauty of the mountains, remarking on the deer we saw watching us, being amazed at the salmon fighting to get home, the beaver marks in the trees and the river running past the walking track and Dave said to me that he was used to those things so took them for granted. Sometimes that is how we are with God. We limit Him because He's always been there, in the church, in our programs, in our words and we forget just how amazing and awesome He is!

Today, there are people in mourning as a shooter killed young children and teachers in a school. There are tragedies and circumstances we have no control over but we can choose how we will live today and how we will respond to God and the people He has put in our lives. Even while the tears are still drying and the pain is easing a little, we need to make a choice to move forward, live and love, knowing how valuable yet fragile, life is.

Keep On Dreaming

Sometimes life is not easy and sometimes it hurts. If you are a regular reader of my blog posts, you know it's been a challenging year for me in so many ways but I hope that I have made it clear that God has walked alongside me every step of the way and not once have I felt alienated from Him, not once have I doubted his unfathomable love for me or wondered whether or not He would provide me with what I needed. Constantly, I have been aware of His blessings and there have been glimpses of sunshine no matter how bleak the day.

Lately it seems that I have been skipping through life and trying to move on, almost to the point that I pretended that the last sixteen months hadn't happened and that I hadn't been a widow for longer than I was married to my beloved Dave and so I wore a smile and chose to ignore the hurt, the love and the loss that was mine because of Dave. Last week, as changes began to close in around me, as sleep eluded me and Christmas highlighted my loss, I began wishing I could crawl into my bed and wait for time to pass, until the time when healing and normality had returned to my life.  The students finished school on Thursday and on Friday morning, I mentioned something in passing to Bonnie and she was quick to perceive that maybe my smiling facade of strength wasn't holding up so well.

I went to my classroom and sat at my desk trying to fight back the tears when a colleague came in and asked about dictionaries. I kept my eyes averted from his face and pointed out where they were and I kept the tremor from my voice when I said we needed new ones in the classroom. As he left, Bonnie came in. She understood and she cared. She reassured me that it was normal and natural to feel like this. Over the weekend, when I had time to myself, I measured my losses and counted my blessings and faced the facts. It hasn't been easy but as the song says:

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One

Even if the healing doesn't come.

I expect healing to come and I know God provides all that I need. The first verse of that song says:

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
 

I trust in God and who He is, with everything I am.

The good thing is that I think I am more patient waiting to hear about a job than my friends  and family are. They want me to be settled and be able to move forward, nearly as much as I do. I know I have a lot to give and I am looking forward to giving and putting my heart into the next chapter of my life. I am thankful for the year I've had. I have made some new good friends, taught in a challenging class and loved each one of my students. I've made lots of good memories and I have grown through it all.

There is another song I have on my iPad called, "Even if it breaks your heart" and the lyrics are:

Some dreams stay with you forever,
Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

I have realised that I can choose to either dwell on my pain and loss or I can keep on dreaming and be positive. It might break my heart. I had dreams with Dave which are now unfulfilled dreams, that will never happen. There is a time to cry, a time to grieve and a time to acknowledge that it hurts and I don't have to pretend otherwise. At the same time, I want to keep reaching foward, keep on dreaming and hold onto the hope that some of my dreams will get better and will be fulfilled. But even if they don't, God is good, faithful and forever. He knows me so well that He knows who, what, when and where, is best for me.

Sunday in December

It's been a wonderful weekend and it's not quite over yet.  Nathan is still here and I am enjoying having him around!

This morning Nathan and my housemate came to church with me and it was so good to be able to worship with my son standing right next to me. The sermon was good and was based on Acts 2. An interesting thing the pastor said was that the people responded to the Lord's invitation. They didn't meet together or do things so that they could have the Holy Spirit in their life. They responded to the Holy Spirit being in their life. It is all about relationship.

Once again I heard one of my favourite songs and tears softly fell. The chorus is:

You are the God who lives,
You are the God who heals
You are my hope my everything
You brought salvation to us
Offered your peace to the earth
You are my Lord my everything
How true those words have become in my life!

After church we went and had lunch and headed down to the beach. It wasn't a beautiful sunny day but one of my colleagues / friends from school was getting baptised in the ocean and I wanted to be there for her. It was such a joy to witness her baptism and the baptisms of people from her church. The first lady to be baptised was over 80 years old and she hadn't brought any warm clothes and only a hand towel, so Nathan went and got my picnic rug from the car and took it and wrapped it around her after she came out of the cold water. He said to me, "Mum, she's such a sweet, cute old lady".

Nathan drove my car so that he could get more experience driving a manual. He got stuck at an intersection, stalling every time he took the handbrake off (it was on a hill) until finally I asked him, "Do you have it in first?" Oops. Well, that's the way to learn I guess.

I went and caught up with two of my favourite colleagues at school as I had to print out the last subject of my reports and then Nathan and I went shopping for a star to sit on the top of our Christmas tree. Tomorrow is Orientation Day at school which is a day all the students look forward to as they find out who their teacher will be next year. I am so thankful to have my reports completely finished and I am pretty much prepared for this coming week.

It's going to be a good week tinged with a little sadness as the school year ends and goodbyes are said, books are packed and we all move forward to the next chapter.

The First Of December, 2012

I'm so excited because it's the first of December which means it's the first day of Summer and Christmas day is only a few weeks away. I was talking with a colleague yesterday, in between report writing and he was on the interview panel when I first applied for the job I have now. He said I 'interviewed well' and I compared myself from then to now. I look back and see how much I have grown and how much I have healed. These are random things.

Then: Not looking forward to Christmas and didn't want to put up a tree.

Today: Bought a Christmas tree and with Nathan, we put it up and decorated it.

Then: A feeling of sadness and deep grief encompassed me
Now: Although I miss Dave, I am excited about what the future might hold for me.

Then: I'd hear songs on the radio and either cry or turn it over to another radio station to a song I didn't know or a song that wasn't going to break my heart.
Now: I sing. I hum. I sing along. I turn the radio to songs I do know. I smile when I sing and I enjoy singing again.

Then: Singing worship songs sometimes made me cry and be sad. 
Now: Sometimes that can still happen but I still want to sing and praise God.

Then: I didn't care what the future held and just existed from moment to moment.
Now: I still don't know what the future holds but I want to live my life to the fullest.

Then: I didn't know if I really wanted to continue teaching and wondered if I really was a good teacher.
Now: I have had a challenging class but I love them and I'm thankful for the privilege of teaching. I want to teach. I want to be in a school where I am able to put down roots and once again, get involved, give, teach, learn and thrive with my class.

Then: (Actually more like June 2010) I told Dave how glad I was that I would never have to write another report again!
Now: I have finished reports for this year and I am satified that I have written with fairness and kindness. I have not sugar-coated the truth but at least the teacher who has them next year will know a little about my students.

Then: I surrounded myself with things from home. (with Dave)

Now: I surround myself with things from home and smile because of the memories I have. As I took out the ornaments, I thought of how Dianne and I had divided them in half and she has half the same as me! As I set up the Nativity Scene, I thought about how Dave had made it a priority to set it up and he would take care in the way he arranged the figurines. As I switched on the ornaments that light up, I thought about how Mom Flowers had bought them and given them to Dave and I as she didn't use them.

Then: I wanted to stay in bed all day and didn't care if I didn't see anyone except my close friends.
Now: I get up before 8, even on Saturday mornings! I love getting out and making new friends and spending time with people.

Then: I walked. I smiled. I talked. But  a lot of it, was just going through the motions, hoping to get through the next moment, the day, the night and go through the motions again.
Now: I walk. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I dance. I sing. Because I want to.

Then: I didn't care.
Now: I care. I love having Nathan here with me for a couple days. I am looking forward to giving my students their Christmas gifts and looking forward to spending the last day with them, not because I am eager to say goodbye but because they have become so precious to me.

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with tears in my eyes from missing Dave. I might not have a job by the end of next week and will be wondering what I will do once I have finished work on the 12th December. I might feel uncertain and insecure. But. It really doesn't matter because in my heart, I know that God knows what I need, He knows what the future holds and, just like He has done has every moment and every day since Dave passed away, He will continue to hold me and guide me. He will make sure that I have everything I need at the perfect time that I need it.

I will not always get things right and the past year has been challenging and painful. People have been insensitive and encouraging, distant or close, abrupt and tactful but God has remained constant and faithful.

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

And never will there be a time that He will leave me to walk alone.