Hope Along The Garden Trail

I decided to check out Ebay today as I saw a pretty lamp in a store that I was tempted to buy but then thought I'd look around a bit more, in case there was another one that I would prefer.  I went to Ebay and typed in the search bar "western saddles", not lamps.  I browsed saddles for a while, went back to lamps and now I'm thinking of looking at horses for sale and agistment possibilities, in this area. 

I read on Facebook, "The passion for riding is something that is hard to describe.  It's something you need, almost like air or water. There's a special moment.  You have a ride one day on a horse, that's just magical.  Where it's just you and the horse and you feel the motion and the power of the gallop.  All of your senses attack, everything fires.  You feel like you just conquered the world.  (Gina Miles)

"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being.  If you never love a horse... you will never understand."

Every now and again I remind myself of my hope to own a horse one day, but at the same time, I am not in a hurry to get a horse.  I want to know for sure, that I can take the time and effort that is required for looking after a horse.  I want to have a horse when I know for sure, where my home is.  I love being here.  I love the job I have and I love the people I work with and the children I teach.  It's not perfect but for now, I know that I am in the right place. 

Sometimes as pieces of the puzzle fall into place, I am aware of pieces that are missing in my life and also aware that some of those pieces will not ever be put back into the place I had reserved.. for him, in my heart, always.  It's a cold, Saturday night and my mind keeps going back to cold Saturday nights, sitting with Dave, watching TV and snuggling together.  As I 'complete' another challenging week, I wish I could share it with him.  I talked to Dave's brother/best friend earlier today, I talked to Dave's daughter, Dianne and to Dave's mom as well.  Talking to them, reminds me of the beautiful family I married into and how much I miss them all as they go on with their lives on the other side of the world.

But to be honest, I don't know what I want and what I do want, I want now.  Surprisingly though, I can't play my guitar, use my sewing machine and walk on the cross trainer, all at the same time.  I am pleased that I seem to be wanting to sing again and I'll sing in the car, around the house, and sometimes, in the classroom, I'll turn my words into a song such as: "Put your chairs down and sit on the floor, sit on the floor, sit on the floor.  Put your chairs down and sit on the floor.. It's Monday morning."

Today, a lady was inviting me to her church and it sounded good and I've been visiting different churches but even yet, I can't make up my mind about what I want and where I want to be.  Perhaps it's all just part of walking along the trail that I've been given.  I want to make plans but I don't know if I can.  And if I can, will those dreams be taken away from me again, in a year's time?  I don't want to give and invest in something, just so it can be snatched away from me. 

On the other hand, I am giving and investing and wanting to live again.  I've just finished reading the book "The Traveller's Gift" by Andy Andrews which outlines seven decisions for overcoming life's challenges and obstacles and for moving forward in life.  Number 4 is summarised as "I have a decided heart.  My destiny is assured."  Number 5 is, "Today I choose to be happy.  I am the possessor of a grateful heart." and  Number 7 is "I will persist without exception.  I will find a way where there is no way.  I am a person of great faith."  For each of the 7 decisions, an example is shared using the life of a person in history.  Each decision was good to read but something that stood out to me was that we have a choice and every decision we make has further reaching consequences, affecting others' even more than we might know.  I also liked this quote from the book, "Until you have accomplished what you were put on this earth to do, you will not -- you cannot -- be harmed!"

I am also trying to apply number 5 to my life which used the example of Anne Frank, the young jewish girl who, in the midst of her very trying circumstances, chose to be happy.  Every morning she would wake up and laugh and set the right tone for the day.  As I talk to people and learn their stories, I realise that others go through trying times and get hurt along the way.  I am not the only one who has lost and although I have lost greatly, to dwell on my loss means I don't see as clearly, the blessings that I can take hold of today.  So, even when my students are challenging or when I worry about what the future holds, or whether or not I will ever ride a horse of my own, I need to choose to be thankful at this moment, forgiving myself and others, and make decisions that are sound and beneficial, not only for me, but those around me.  There are a lot of people in my life and I want them to be encouraged and see, by my example, there is hope even in the darkest of times.