My Heart

The sun is shining and I've already done two  loads of washing and mowed the front and back yard.  The lawns look much better mowed and it's been about a month or so since I last mowed them.  In that last month, there's been rain, sunshine, wind, cold  and warmth and today is no exception.  I took the washing off the line when the sky looked dark and threatening and as soon as I had  unpegged the last piece of clothing, the sun came out shining.  At least I am ahead in my day and Nathan will be here in a couple of hours.

This week, desite the usual challenges, I've been reminded me of how loved I am and how blessed I am with great friends and family who believe in me.  They reassure me of their love and support with words, emails and surprise visits and I know that I am prayed for. Yesterday, at the start of lunchtime, the office called to check I was in my classroom and shortly thereafter, a familiar face popped into the door.  A friend who lives in Western Australia, who I have not seen for quite some years, was vising and she had brought me a bottle of diet coke and a brownie!!  We only had lunchtime together but I am so thankful that she took time out of her busy life to gift me with her presence.  Western Australia is on the other side of Australia to where I live so she had come along way!

Not only do my friends and family show and tell me they love me, but God also works in my life to remind me that I have a purpose for my life and that He never, never leaves me nor lets go of me.  Last night I had some friends from work come over for a visit and pizza and a couple of them shared their personal journeys.  Wow!  I work with amazing people who have been through some really tough times, some are still dealing with pain and heartbreak and yet God holds them in His hand and pours His love and strength into their lives.  I know it sounds cliched, but if you had heard the stories I've heard over the past week, you would be saying the same thing, as you wiped tears from your eyes.

As I shared part of my journey, I told them how  on the day I left home last October, I sat in my car for at least 5 minutes while the tears poured down and the sobs broke forth from my heart.  As I drove towards Mom and Dad's home, I talked with Dan and Rhonda on the phone and broken, I cried, "God should have taken me, not Dave.  Dave had so much to live for.  This was his home, his family.. He had a job, friends and loved ones.  He had so much to live for.  It was his life he had brought me into and now he's gone, I'm leaving and I have nothing.  I don't have a home or a job and I'm leaving my family and friends and moving to the other side of the world to begin all over again."  Many times during January this year, I knew that if anything happened to me, it would be a while before anyone would find out.  I didn't have any accountability and if I drove to the ends of the earth, I felt like no one would really know and although they might miss me, it wouldn't change/affect their lives. I knew that my thinking was propelled by my grief and that it had little foundation in reality so I hung on.  I am going to add though, there were a few very close friends/family who made a huge effort to call, email, chat and would check up on me and reassure me during that time.  They know who they are. 

Anyway, last weekend, I went to spend some time with Donna and as I drove to her place, I did some reflecting, praying and thinking about what was and what is.  One of the dreams I had shared with Dave is that I wanted to open our home up to younger women who might need someone to watch their kids for them, or someone to listen to them and be there for them.  I realised that dream is actually unfolding in my life right now.  I thought it would happen over there but suddenly I wasn't there anymore but here and so although I moved across to the other side of the world, God opened the way for that dream to still happen.  As I said earlier in this blog post, last night I had a group of "younger" women come to my home and we sat around, relaxed, shared, joked and had a good time together. 

I've been reading some books by Andy Andrews, who is an American author/speaker/comedian.  I first heard him speak at the Women of Faith conference in Spokane in September last year.  The book I am reading at the moment is, "The Traveler's Gift".  I read this last night:

"Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart.  When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution.  The undecided heart searches for an escape..... A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right.  Why? Because conditions are never exactly right.  Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in  your life.  He has put the vision in you - proceed! To wait, to wonder, to doubt, to be indecisive is to disobey God.

... All my problems become smaller when I confront them... I will not wait.  I am passionate about my vision for the future.  My course has been charted.  My destiny is assured.
I have a decided heart."

There was obviously a lot more even in that chapter but at least it gives you a gist of what that chapter is about.  I want to have a committed heart and a heart that follows after the Lord.

Last weekend I went to Horseland with my friend Donna and bought a lead rope and a "shedding blade" for the day when I will have my own horse.  To celebrate Mother's Day, Nathan and I are going with "Blazing Saddles" for a two and half hour ride along the beach and in the bush.  I am very excited about this.  Riding might have one of two affects on me:

1. Increase my desire to have my own horse.
2. Remind me of how much work it entails to own a horse.

Or maybe it will be both, but with a 'committed heart', I will search for a solution to getting a horse of my own.  When I arrived home from a particularly challenging day of work the other day, I couldn't help but think how good it would be, to go for a ride and even today, despite it being so windy, I keep wishing I could go for a ride!  It would even be better if I could go for a ride with Dave and then sit by his side in the living room, with his arm around me and watch TV together.