Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

On Friday, I attended an in-school PD. (Professional Development)  The question we were to ask of ourselves was, "Who am I? and Why am I here?"  They were two very good questions that I struggled to answer and yet, I do know the answer to, deep down... Mostly.  Although, I still shirk at part of the answer.  At lunchtime that day, a friend from years back, asked me "What were some of the dreams you and Dave had for your future?".....

I sat down to write this blog post intending to share with you how life is unfolding for me on this garden trail.  It was going to be positive and full of hope as I shared blessings and confirmation that God is still working in my life. I was going to share a couple of the dreams he and I had together and talk about the fun I've had with a few friends recently. 

My class seems to be settling in to a good routine and showing signs of being a team/family and even though it can be challenging at times, it is important to remember my students are children and they are learning and growing and just like me, just like you, they aren't going to get it right 24/7.  In the meantime, as I reminded them this morning, my job is not just to teach them academics but also to help them grow and learn to be adults who love God and who have good character.  As I discussed with another teacher, they all have things to deal with that we aren't always aware of and my job is to love them so they will know that I believe in them and that they are 'safe' to grow and learn in this classroom environment. 

People have commented that I am settling in well and I know that I often feel a part of the community I am involved with.  I know that people want me to be settled and want me to be able to get on with my life but as I sat down to write this post and even thinking about the dreams Dave and I shared, I missed him.  My life is unfolding in a way that I had not expected and even though it is still possible for me to do some of those things without Dave, it wasn't ever my intention to do it without him.  It wasn't even in my thinking, that I would be in Australia and yet, here I am. 

I am thankful for the many blessings in my life and I am glad that I am beginning to rediscover who I am and why I am here but there is nothing that fills the void that Dave's passing away caused.  As the wind blows and the night draws on, I have lost my good intentions to clean, work and prepare and all I want to do is go to bed, pull the covers up and think about Dave.  I want to remember the good times we shared, the plans we had, dream about how life might have turned out if he was still alive and ignore reality for a few hours.  There is hope but it is bittersweet because Dave isn't here to share in these blessings with me.