In a week's time my son will be getting married and Andy and I will be flying down there for the weekend. It is very exciting and I have bought an outfit that is befitting the 'mother of the groom' status. Nathan's wife to-be is a lovely young lady and they make a great team. I am thankful for both of them and will be praying for them as they join their lives together and begin this next step in their lives.
Last night, I held a linen party at my home and had about ten of my friends come and join in for the fun. I am thankful for the friends I have. We laugh, cry, talk and chat together and last night was no exception. Some of the friends I work with and others, such as Sharyn, have been part of my life for a long time. The reason I had the party is because I found a doona (bedspread) that both Andy and I like. This has been no mean feat! Since the start of the year, almost, I have dragged Andy in and out of stores, looking at different quilts and neither of us really being agreed on what we would like. When Sharyn gave me a catalogue, I took it home to Andy and we found one so I knew the best way to buy it, was to have a party and get the discounts from it.
While I was at work, Andy got the house cleaned and baked a banana/choc-chip cake. I had already made and prepared other treats and a couple of my friends were also bringing snacks. Before they all arrived, Andy 'ran' out of the house and as tennis had been cancelled, he went and did some shopping. When he came home, he put his hood over his face and almost ran past the living room so that no one could see him although we all chorused with a "Hi Andy!" He went to the bedroom where he had placed some snacks, his book etc so that he didn't have to come and be part of the party. He said it would ruin what little reputation he had left of being a blokey-bloke if he was caught looking at linen with the girls.
In the end, I showed him some samples of other quilts that hadn't been in the catalogue and we chose a different one which we are both happy about. I am excited because the quilt will be 'ours', not what Dave and I had as ours. I think I will tuck Dave's and my quilt away because I don't really want to give it away just yet. Life keeps moving on and as I said to Andy last night, I am happy with Andy and we need to continue to make our life and memories together. I loved Dave and I still miss him sometimes but I love Andy and our life together is different and good.
Last week I discovered I was behind in my studies and that I had a quiz to do this week so I needed to focus on catching up on all the reading!!! That was a lot! So every night after school, I would read and study. All last weekend, I would read as well as every night this week. This morning I got up, had a couple pieces of toast and a pain-killer and went back to bed. A few hours later I got up again, planning to continue studying but took another couple headache tablets and went back to bed and slept again. Andy was concerned and suggested that I was exhausted. He is probably right. He stayed by my side for most of the day and was reading. I assume he was by my side but then again, I don't know for sure because apparently I was really out of it. He was there when I woke up each time and he kept asking if there was anything he could do to help me. He is a good man.
Tonight, after dinner, I studied/revised my readings and then did a practice quiz to see whether I was ready to do the actual quiz as part of my assessment. As I only got one question wrong, I will do the 'real quiz' tomorrow afternoon. I am studying "Consultation and Collaboration" which aims to teach how to help those who may be having issues, problems in the workforce and particularly in the education field. It does touch on some of the skills and things I have learned in other subjects I've done in this course and I find it interesting. I am glad I enjoy learning and that I am doing an interesting course.
Life goes on. It has its trials and people can let you down but in the bigger picture, some of what can overwhelm us, is really not all that important. I have been reflecting a bit on my past over the last week and I am thankful for where I am at now. It hasn't been easy and there have been times when I have wondered why. I look back on those difficult times and I am reminded of the Bible verse Mark Lowry quotes, "And it came to pass". Those difficult times are used to strengthen us and give us a deeper understanding of the real purpose of life. They become the basis for choices we make in the future and they help us understand what really is important to us.
I am thankful for the friends and family God has given me. I feel incredibly privileged to have such sincere, awesome, honest friends. When people quote those pithy statements about how there are only one or two real friends in the world, I look around me and say, "Not in my case!"
I think relationships are what matters most in this world.
I could have added more photos below but to include all my friends would have taken a long time and I need to go back to bed to prepare for the day ahead tomorrow.
This weekend marks three years since Dave passed away. Yesterday afternoon, while Andy took Milly for a walk, I used the time alone to reflect and also to play some online games that Dave used to play. I am so thankful for the short time I was married to Dave. It was too short but we made some memories that will stay with me for a long time. The friends and family that were part of our lives are still dear to me and I miss them. Reading through Facebook statuses, a few of them posted about how they still miss Dave and I commiserated with them but on the other hand, still felt like I was on my own. I am very thankful that one of Dave's brothers sent me a message to say he was thinking of me too.
My life has changed since Dave passed away. I'm in a different country, I am teaching full-time and studying, I am married to someone different to Dave. The fact that I still miss Dave does not detract from the love and marriage I share with Andy. I know that who I am, the fact that I am able to stand up for myself, that I am more confident in who I am, is partly due to my relationship with Dave. I miss our home there, the horse riding, the friends, the hikes along trails that weren't there, Cosco shopping, our friends, deep-fried turkey, Dave's family, even the snow.
Here I am making new memories, having goals and dreams of a future I wouldn't have had if I was still with Dave in the US. It's not the same and yet, it's part of moving forward and choosing to be thankful and choosing to walk forward instead of giving up. I know when Dave passed away, when I was leaving our home for the last time and I was crying and wondering why God took Dave instead of me, that in my heart, I realized that God still had a plan for my life and I know that whatever that plan might be, it's not going to happen unless I choose life.
A friend posted a cartoon on Facebook today:
Ain't that the truth?!
I am thankful for what I have in my life today. I couldn't have imagined this life a year, three years ago. I don't think Dave passing away is a good thing but I know that despite that pain, God was and is close to me and He gives me blessings to strengthen me and simply just to enjoy.
This coming November, a group of friends want to do a colour run. It's only 5kms but as I don't enjoy running, I am going to work on enjoying it. I am choosing to live healthier with small achievable goals and Andy is supporting me in this. This week's goal is to walk briskly for 30 minutes (in addition to the sport I do) and cut back on diet coke and drink more water. When that is easy, I will take it a step further. (Pardon the pun.) I work full-time, I study part-time, play indoor netball and squash once a week and train for netball once a week so finding the time to walk is going to be a challenge but I want to do it. So far, I've done well and I am feeling good about it. I am thankful for the good health I enjoy.
At the end of this month is my son's wedding and I am looking forward to being there for that. Not sure how a mother of the groom is supposed to feel but I've got the outfit and I am thankful for the beautiful woman he is marrying. They are both a blessing to each other and I am proud of the man my son has become.
I am still loving my class and they are a joy to teach. They have all learned to love reading and even the librarian loves them coming to the library. She calls me on the class phone if we are running a bit late to hurry us up. They choose their books and sit down absorbed in their 'new' novels and are even oblivious to me taking photos of them.
Andy and I went on a lovely break a few weeks ago while school was on term break. We went to a beach that was mostly deserted and went for long walks. Andy swam a couple times. Maybe one day we will retire there. I'll add a few photos of that holiday here now.
Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. When life is tough, as is normal I think, it's good to know that we both are privileged to have your friendship and love. Oh, I almost forgot to say - this afternoon after we'd done our brisk walk, I got a phone call from a friend who lives around the corner and who also goes to the new church Andy and I have just started going to, so we put our runners back on and went and spent a couple of hours with them. Andy hadn't had the opportunity to get to know them before this so it was good to see him getting on really well with Graham. They have quite a few things in common (mainly sport) and they're planning to start riding their bikes together.
Life is good. Sometimes I forget how good it is when I am facing conflict or struggling with getting uni subjects done or missing close friends and family but when I stop and look back, look forward and even at what I have now, I am thankful.
I was reading my last post and realized that sometimes I still think that way - still get overwhelmed by all that is on my plate and yet I try to maintain a heart of thankfulness, too. We get so caught up in daily life that we not only take it for granted, we forget that it is temporary and we need to enjoy each moment. On the other hand, while it seems a contradiction, I also have to remind myself of my long-term goals and dreams.
Recently I read on one of my friend's Facebook pages: "When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart." Yesterday I picked up the coat stand off the floor in order to fix it. When I brought it back here from the States, it was broken a little and a friend fixed it for me - glued it back together - but by the time it got here, that 'fix' was inevitably weakened and it broke again. I glued it back but yesterday, I discovered that a chunk of it was broken off and I can't fix it and will have to throw it out. At first, I was really upset. I started sorting through the clothes in my wardrobe and came across some things of Dave's and was deciding if I should throw them our or keep them. Some things fit Andy and he was quite happy to have them and wear them. That meant a lot to me because a) I didn't want to throw them out and b) he didn't mind having something that belonged to Dave.
Later I was reflecting about all my stuff including the stuff I keep for "memories". If it is gone, if I can't use it for what it is, if it is broken, whatever the reason, I don't need to keep the stuff. The memories are always there. (This is not including photos!) But if I forget one memory, I still have others and in the meantime, I am making more memories. I wondered why I keep so much stuff. It's good to get bargains on sale but I don't save anything if I didn't need it or can't use it.
I was studying yesterday afternoon and checked out Facebook on one of my breaks, reading about the fun everyone seemed to be having on their Saturdays and it seemed unfair. Here I am stuck in my office, studying, when I just wanted to go out for the day and play. I had to keep reminding myself that I like learning, that I want to do this course and it's only a temporary thing. I will be finished in 2 years and in the meantime, I get breaks when I can relax and have fun without worrying about study during July and at the end of the year. Last night, Andy commented that we don't seem to have much time for fun lately and I totally agreed, especially as this was after I'd had the above thoughts and feelings.
I love teaching. I told my class the other day that they are definitely one of the best classes I have ever had. We have fun together, we joke around but they have also learnt when it's time to stop laughing and get serious about work. One of the students in another class, told his brother that he was looking forward to being in my class and his brother said it was good to start with but then it gets boring. I laughed and admitted that would be when the kids realize they still have to do Math problems and learn about writing genres and grammar.... On the other hand, in Science the other day, we baked bread loaves. One with yeast, one without and that was fun learning about micro-organisms! Yes I love my class but sometimes it is hard work.
I love studying and learning and am thankful for the privilege of doing this course but right now - with an assignment due in a few weeks and needing to do all the reading and thinking, it is hard work and I can't take too much time away from study. I come home from work and if I don't have anything else to go to, I need to study. I love playing netball and squash but I have to remember to enjoy it and not put so much pressure on myself to play to win. I can shoot goals for netball but when I miss, I get discouraged. To add to this, Andy and I are also considering going to another, smaller church so we are visiting other churches and that is another stress. I wish things could just fall into place and we could live our lives without making having to go through so many changes.
Today, I deliberately took a break from study and all the other pressures and we decided to go to the park where our wedding photos were taken to re-enact the photos and play. I got my camera out and was really excited about taking photos. We even took Milly with us. However, after about the 5th detour, we realized we weren't going to the park after all as there was another event happening there and instead, we drove up to a bush land reserve that my students had told me was an easy climb to the top. It wasn't. It was a steep, rocky climb and we did it in the middle of the day. We were unprepared so I was wearing jeans and we didn't have any water with us or hats on. Milly loved it. When climbers passed by, she would go up to them, sit, wag her tail and wait for the inevitable pat and the "Oh, you're such a cute puppy" exclamation.
I am thankful for the support Andy gives me. It is nice being able to relax and be with another person with whom I can share good times and hard times. He looks for ways to make my life easier and we both like having fun together. For everything that is in my life, I am thankful. It may be hard work at times but it is all worth it. Just like climbing that steep, rocky track and seeing the view was worth it.
Wow! Almost 5 months since I last posted but life is busy.
I got married on January 12th this year to Andy.
I am working full-time with a wonderful grade of students and we have fun learning even when the learning is challenging. I am continuing with my study but this semester is a difficult, intense subject on Child Abuse and Neglect. I have an assignment to complete in the next few days so right now I'm taking a break from it. One thing I have found is that breaks are essential and I have to physically move right away from the work and go and do something different such as practice my goal shooting.
Andy and I are playing mixed netball on Tuesday nights which is a lot of fun and I play goal shooter. As I am the captain, I have also organized regular training sessions. We don't win every game but we enjoy it. Last Tuesday we lost by only 3 goals and I was very excited as I only missed one goal! I am also playing squash in a social competition and Andy is playing tennis in a social competition. During the last school holidays, we went and stayed at the beach for a few days and tried out our new bodyboards. Andy went swimming/body boarding twice a day even when it was raining whereas I preferred to only swim when the sun was out shining. It was a very relaxing and fun time.
I like spending time with Andy. Sometimes it's not easy as we both learn to adjust to each other but we like doing things together. Andy doesn't have a job at the moment but he is doing a good job at keeping the household clean and tidy, keeping Milly exercised and looking after me. Right now, he is out walking Milly which can take anything from 2 - 3 hours. He told me before he left "Don't do any housework because I will do it when I get back." For those who know me really well, you can stop laughing. He has been asking my good friends who have known me for years, how to get me to apply myself to study. They all generally respond the same way. After they finish laughing they tell him that he doesn't need to worry because I will get it done.
Life is good despite the challenges. Sometimes, however, I feel that I am pushing myself in every direction to get everything done and I just want to stop without the pressures, even though some of those pressures are fun. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I tend to fall into the "Why do I have to start all over again at my age??!!" pity party. I can look around me and see friends of my age who are settled in their life, who have been that way for years and I look at what I am doing and have done and although I am moving forward and up, I want to "be there" already.
Just today, I was looking on Facebook and saw a video clip that Sandi Patty had posted called "The in-between" and I listened and also looked up why she wrote that song. It really touched me.
Some of the lyrics are:
I have seen some glorious days
Where I flew so much higher
Much higher than I ever thought I would,
And soaring through the air I would declare,
“Well, isn’t God good?
Isn’t He good?”
And He was and He is
And He always will be,
But in the in-between
It’s hard for me to see.
In the in-between
Where everyday life happens,
And the fields of green
Belong to someone else.
In the in-between
Of what will be and what has been,
Jesus is a faithful friend
In the in-between.
I have been unsure of myself
But even in the dark,
I’m pretty sure that all is well,
And then I see,
There in the mirror looking back at me,
A work that is not everything that it will be.
And as I continued reading, she went on to say, "This “in-between” is a hard place for me. I don’t traditionally do transition well. I like to “know” things and, OK, I’ll say it out loud, “I like to control things.” I have learned along the line of my faith journey how to manage the lows. Not well, but at least to manage them. And, I think I’ve learned how to manage the highs. But, this “in-between” stuff I don’t do so well. It’s the whole “I need to know” stuff. I don’t wait so well. I don’t “be still” so well. And, perhaps it is this very reason that God has placed me in this “in-between” area of my life. Because, the only thing I can do is trust, and wait, and believe that God is at work. "
I really know how that feels. When I have been at my darkest days, God has carried me and held me through it. Now that I am "in-between" and I know that everything is not as it will be one day, I still want it to be now and want to know when. I told Andy last night, "I just want to know what is going to happen. I want life to be 'comfortable'... to not have to keep learning and pushing forward. I want to be at the place where I can just be.
Well, enough break time, I need to get my assignment done. I'll add a few more photos below of our wedding and one more of the beach - just because.
Yesterday was the last day of 2013 and I reflected back on the last couple of years. I began by remembering where I was on New Year's Eve 2012 and remembered being in a motel swimming pool in Tamworth at the beginning of my own personal road trip heading north, planning to see more of Australia and planning to catch up with some friends I had not seen in a while. My tent was packed and I had no time limits as I had no idea what I was going to do the following year. I didn't have a job, didn't know what I was going to do in the coming year, was chaffing at the bit to move forward but had no idea of where 'forward' was.
By the time I had returned from my road trip at the beginning of February, I had developed some kind of goal for the coming year. I began packing boxes, making phone calls and saying goodbye to the wonderful friends I had met in 2012. Saying goodbye is never easy and words of "I'll stay in touch" while made more possible by emails and Facebook still don't quite mean the same as being just around the corner. When I got to this new place, it didn't take me long at all to feel settled. I began studying a Master of Education majoring in Educational Guidance and Counselling, I found a place that I could call home and Milly, my Labrador puppy came and playfully added something more to my life.
By July I had a place to work where I quickly made friends and continued to engage in teaching - a passion/lifestyle job that I enjoy and although it was only part time at first, it reminded me of how much I love teaching! I started trying another church, quite bigger than the first one but I was impressed by it's welcome and the fact that although it was bigger than others I had attended, it did not have the feel of being an 'entertainment centre'. I joined a home group that I enjoyed going to and made friends there too. Along the way, Andrew persisted in his pursuit of my friendship and in early December, we officially got engaged although we had already discussed it before that. We had decided early on that if we did get engaged, it would be a short engagement and hence, we are getting married on Sunday, January 12th.
People's responses to our engagement have been varied and some have been surprised by the apparent quickness of it all. Those who have walked with me in my journey and who have cried with me when I have cried, who have listened to my pain over the last couple of years since Dave's passing and who have seen the steps I have taken in this journey, have also celebrated with me, the love and friendship that Andrew has brought into my life. 2013 has been a year of unexpected pleasant surprises and a reminder that God does bring healing and restoration into our lives. A year ago, I did not expect to be in this place - in any aspects - and yet, here I am.
A "friend" complained to me that I had a wonderful life and that it seemed unfair that things go so well with me. That friend has seen only the last 10 or so months of my life and if she knew what I had been through to get to this point, maybe she wouldn't be quite so envious of what it took to get here. It hasn't been easy but I am thankful for the many blessings that I have in my life. I believe I have also learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself in and to trust God when all seems dark and the trail seems overgrown with fallen tree limbs, rocks and seemingly impassable tracks to follow.
As our wedding day approaches, I am thankful for Andrew and the love he has for me. His desire is to first serve God and to secondly be a good husband to me and he prays for that daily. Although we love each other, we are still needing to learn to trust each other, communicate together and find the way to honour and cherish each other.
At times, I find myself reflecting on the life that I thought I would have had with Dave. I miss my family and friends in the States and miss the lifestyle we had planned together. I am able to talk to Andrew about this and he responds with "Well, we are going to have to save up so that we can go and visit them as soon as possible." Life with Dave didn't turn out how I expected it to and sometimes I wonder if it will this time. I have told Andrew that I want to die first because I don't want to have to go through the pain I have already been through, again. As if we have a say in it.
Friends of mine are looking forward to the year ahead and along with them, so do Andrew and I. I know that I need to continue to be thankful for what (and who) I have in my life and to truly treasure each day that God has given me to live. As I did last year, I want to continue to make good choices about living a life that is honouring to God. I want to continue to do my best in my study and in my work and use my gifts and talents for that purpose. Now I need to add to that 'list', that I want to be a good wife to Andrew. He has not been married before and he has brought so much happiness to my life, encouraging me to laugh and have fun. When I am acting 'silly' and playful, he not only tolerates and accepts that about me but also enjoys it. When I am serious and need to talk and share, he listens carefully. When he hurts me and I express that, he apologises and seeks to put things right.
Part of me quietly considers whether this wonderful guy will continue to be so wonderful but as I eat another slice of banana/chocolate chip cake that he has baked, I put it in the Lord's hands knowing that with Him all things are possible and as He is the one who brought Andrew into my life, He is also the one we will trust to lead us.
I started writing this blog a couple weeks ago but got distracted and busy and left it here in draft form so I will edit it now and hope to post it by the end of this night. When I started typing it, Andy was sitting watching Formula One racing on TV getting his 'sports fix' as he was up visiting here for the weekend. While he was absorbed in the racing, I painted his 2 big toenails, one with a pink heart, the other with a pink C. It may not look pretty but it was fun. He is very tolerant.
When I was writing up my last assignment for this semester, as usual I procrastinated, struggled, stayed up late (but not too late) and got very tired. Andy got on Skype since he lives interstate and while I studied, he read a book and watched TV but kept an encouraging eye on me. One night we had a conversation like this:
Me: My brain is dead. Can I stop studying now?
Andy: If your brain was dead you couldn't talk, now get back to study.
(some more work was done until....)
Andy: Stop playing games on Facebook and work on your assignment. I can tell by your eyes you're playing games.
Me: I can't think of what to write.
Andy: Get a drink, eat a snack, take a quick break then get back to your assignment.
Me: I want to go to bed. I'm tired.
Andy: You need to have 2 evaluations done and then you can go to bed.
Me: I've finished 2 now and only have one to go.
Andy: Well done! I'm proud of you. I think you're amazing to be working full time and studying. You have a lot on your plate. You're doing great.
(a bit of silence then he adds....)
If we get married, are you going to be 'like this' every time you have an assignment to do?
Me: What does it matter? You can cope with it.
I tried to tell him that I really appreciated him sitting up with me on Skype for the few nights that he did and how unique he was but he seemed to think that any partner would do the same thing. I told him that wasn't so. He is very patient.
We went bowling and I was not playing very well whereas Andy was getting strike after strike. After one particularly poor bowl on my part, I turned and looked at Andy and I could see by the look on his face that he was trying to find something positive to say. When I told him not to worry about it, that there was nothing good about that bowl, the look of relief on his face made me laugh. We then went and played a couple of games of air hockey. He had never played it before and it's a favourite game of mine. I figured that at least I could redeem myself by winning that game but no, he won at that too. The thing is, even though he's competitive he is not malicious and even when he is winning, he doesn't gloat. He is a good sport about it and actually enjoys just playing the games with me. He is very encouraging.
One morning, he was up early playing with Milly, watching TV and getting things packed for later that day as were going to the river. While I was sleeping, he crept into my room with Milly (my puppy) on his heels and placed a couple of slices of banana cake that he had baked, next to my bed. There was also a chocolate coated oval thing that I mistook for being a raspberry licorice 'bullet'. (candy) I bit into it and it crunched and exploded with a vile taste. I ran to the kitchen sink and threw it up. He asked me what was wrong and when I explained it to him, he laughed. He had put my vitamin tablet there, not a bullet and he couldn't understand why I hadn't noticed the difference.
That afternoon we had a lovely time swimming and soaking up the sun at a lake. Milly came in the water with us and it was the first time she had ever been swimming. It was very relaxing and refreshing. Poor Andy though! Milly kept jumping on his back and swimming up to him and she really needs her nails cut! Andy's back got all scratched up but when I expressed that I was sorry she did it, he said, "She's a puppy. They always have sharper nails and she didn't know she was hurting me. She was just playing." Before he left to go back home, I noticed he left a note for me reminding me to get her nails cut.
When Andy needs to talk to me about something that concerns him, he speaks to me gently and carefully. He calls it a 'fight' whereas I would just call it a disagreement and he doesn't ever put me down and always speaks to me in a respectful and loving way.
As I said earlier, sometimes it surprises me how good Andy is. I am so glad that he has come into my life and helped me do things that I haven't enjoyed for a long time. It is good to be able to laugh and share fun times with someone who accepts me and enjoys similar things. I am thankful for Andy.
As I sit here typing, Andrew is cooking dinner for me. After church this morning, we went for a walk around the market and bought some sausage meat such as pepperoni, then for a walk along the gardens before coming home for lunch. After lunch, I had a nap and Andrew caught up with friends and then we played an hour of squash. We played 5 close games but I won overall. He is a tennis player but he plays a good game of squash and gave me a good run. Last Monday, we went swimming at the local pool and I swam laps and we have also done a lot of walking. I like it that Andrew encourages me to do things that I enjoy and is helping me to 'break the ice' and get back into doing those things that I like doing, to get fit again.
Last Wednesday, we went up a mountain which is also a rainforest. The trees were magnificent in their strength and uniqueness and the shade of the tall trees kept it cooler than the very hot day it was. We went up to a lookout and Andrew insisted on giving me a piggy-back ride for a few metres. At one of the waterfalls, he got into the cool mountain water and stood under a waterfall. He kept his shoes and socks and shorts on because the ground in the pool was very rocky.
Andrew is willing to enjoy new things with me and encourages me to enjoy life and laugh. He looks for ways to make me smile and we get on very well together. When it's time to study, he sits beside me and reads a book and if I get distracted, he reminds me that I need to refocus. I have another assignment due in a couple of weeks so I'm trying to get ahead from being behind. It's a practical assignment and then I have to evaluate myself and 2 peers on our demonstration of attentive listening skills, confronting and focusing. One of my colleagues from work is coming over to be my 'client' for the video and then I have to upload it to the university's site. Hopefully, I will be able to apply the skills being assessed during the 'demonstration.'
Well dinner is done, a chick flick has been watched and we've played a game of Mario Kart Wii game. It is nice to feel like I can enjoy life again, can laugh and do silly things. Work is going well. I love teaching and feel like I belong there. Milly is enjoying the attention and spoiling Andrew is giving her and it's good to be right where I am.
