Just Briefly

What about change?
It isn't rare
I've had enough
Now I want to share
Can't you see
I want to stay
But it's just time to move again
What about change....

It's a heat wave here at the moment and Milly is conked out on the floor, Andy is reading quietly beside me, the crickets are a-cricketing and I'm tapping at the 'puter keyboard, feeling somewhat overwhelmed but mostly having a lot of mixed emotions. It's almost the end of the school year and in fact, in two weeks time, I will be on holidays and finished work at the current primary school I am at. I've finished writing student reports and am also preparing for the Grade 6 graduation evening. Within the next two weeks, I would have attended the end of year presentation night and the staff Christmas break-up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the class I've had this year and the one I had last year, are definitely two of the best I've ever had. It's been a real blessing to share good times with them, watch them grow in their learning and maturity, as well as walk alongside them through tough times and good times.

Change is imminent yet again (she sighs) and I make plans, once again, with my hands (somewhat) open to the fact that plans do have a way of changing. Andy and I are about to move further north to a warmer climate and closer to the beach, as I start at another school, teaching Grade 3/4 in 2016 which I will 'love' according to the new principal. 

I am looking forward to the new position, the new people I will be friends with and my new environment.
I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to the people who have meant so much to me over the last couple years. You would think that by now, I had this down 'pat' but I don't. I was listening to a few of my grade five students talk about next year, before they knew I was leaving, and I almost cried. 

I know this is for the best and there's a part of me that wants to be 'there' now but I think that might be because I would prefer to skip the packing, the removalists, and the goodbyes. 

Two more weeks.
A lot of unpredictable things could happen in two weeks but I hope not. 

I'm Not Lucky

I've heard people say over the last couple of years, "You're so lucky" and those words make me cringe. 

Definition of lucky: having or bringing good fortune

2.

happening by chance, esp as desired

I don't believe things happen by chance  nor do I sit around waiting for something good to happen. I've had bad/sad things happen to me that weren't of my doing. I've made decisions and most of those decisions have had good or bad consequences. I am not responsible for the actions of others but their actions can also affect me.

At the end of 2012/beginning of 2013, I headed north to go on a road trip by myself. I was away for 5 weeks and visited places that I'd heard of and wanted to see. I didn't see any point in waiting for things to happen or waiting for someone to come along and travel with me. I visited Dubbo Zoo, Coffs Harbour, Country Music Festival at Tamworth, Wet n' Wild, Frazer Island and other places. I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years, spent a day reading, rode a horse in the Blue Mountains on Australia Day and visited friends at the Snowy Mountains. I learned that I can do things by myself and I got to see bush, beach, mountains, country and city. I didn't do that trip by chance. It was a decision I made.

I've had hard times, grief and loss in my life. I've cried tears and felt anguish and wondered if life was worth living. I  know what stress feels like and I know what sadness is. It's not always my choice to go through loss. I didn't choose for my mum to die of cancer, I didn't choose for Dave to die after only 13 months of marriage and sometimes others' decisions have caused me hurt and pain. How I respond to those times is my choice and sometimes, choosing to acknowledge that I'm hurt and that I need to take time out is a good decision to make.

Last weekend, it I celebrated my 50th birthday (which isn't until the 8th October) with my friends and my son, Nathan and his wife. There, with me, was Andy, who actively looks for ways to serve me and show kindness. My friend Sharyn, of 28 or so years was there and there were friends who we've only just started to get to know. I am very blessed to have such beautiful and loyal friends. Perhaps I am lucky? I am thankful for the people and blessings in my life. Sometimes I might grouch about having to "begin all over again" for the umpteenth time, or might wish for more stability in my life, compare myself with others who have lived in the same place, with the same family, for more than half their life but I know that I have experienced, endured, enjoyed and embraced (at times) life. I choose not to live with regrets about decisions I have made.

I remember years ago, mum sharing with me about how someone had told her she was lucky. She told me that person had no idea of the trials and pain mum had been through in her life and only saw today's 'product'; who mum had become because of all she'd experienced. 

Perhaps I am more like my mum than even I had known and I am thankful for the example she had set for me. 

I'm going to continue to celebrate my life and be thankful for the gifts/people God has brought me. Lucky? No. Blessed? Totally!

Just Do It

Andy has gone to watch the football grandfinal in town and as they played, he texted me to let me know his team is leading but it's like watching a "country town final". While he is out, I have my music going and because he told me to and because I know I need to, I'm taking it easy. Right now the song playing is, "Why can't a woman be like a man?" from "My Fair Lady". 

      Why can't a woman be more like a man?
     Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
     Ready to help you through any mishaps.
     Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
     Why can't a woman be a chum?
     Why is thinking something women never do?
     Why is logic never even tried?
     Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
     Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?

I have had male friends tell me that I do too much thinking so obviously I don't fit all of 'enry 'iggins song. On the other hand, how do I straighten up 'the mess that's inside': the stress I feel, the niggling worry about what the future holds and what I should do to plan for an uncertain future, wondering how friends and family from afar are dealing with life, missing parts of my life that was in the US, missing friends and family, making the most of every day but knowing I fall short of what I could be doing, wondering how to "be" the best me I can be. And then I remind myself of what I was told not long ago but a wise man, "Carolanne! Why do you raise the bar so high for yourself and yet willingly show grace to others?! No one can make that bar, not even you!" I looked at him and replied, "But I should know better. I need to set a good example." He kindly replied, "You need to take the bar down, Carolanne."


Andy  bought this pink T-Shirt for me, not because it's a Nike T-Shirt but because of the slogan, "Just do it". For the last five weeks or so, there have been times when I've just had to put one foot in front of the other, or swim one more stroke or even, just put on work clothes and begin another day. One thing I notice though, is that no matter how hard it might be, there is always a surprise, a blessing or something that helps to bring a smile to my face and encourages me to take the next step. The other day, it was a colleague genuinely asking me how I was and she took the time to listen and then pray with me.

I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am loved even when I doubt myself and when I feel I have let others done. So, in a few weeks time, I celebrate 50 years of life with some of my family and friends and it will be a good time. I'll also be on a break from school for a couple weeks so Andy and I will be able to take some time off, walk by the beach and catch up with friends from Victoria. When I read my other blog posts, even when it seems like I haven't moved forward very fast, I am constantly reassured that one small step at a time, I am going forward and going forward with beautiful people who are walking alongside me with love.

This is the song playing at the moment which reassures me that I am not alone.

Your silent love comes over me
In the stillness of my memory
I feel your touch
I've heard you call
Your silent love remains unchanged and strong

My deepest hopes and fears are known
No private thought that can't be shown
And every wounded place I see
Is drawing me to you and you to me

So as each moment passes by
I look to you to guide my life
For I have come to understand
That nothing can remove me from your hand

One Less Stress

Well, I have officially unenrolled from doing a subject this semester at Uni. The subject, "Emotional and Behavioural Problems of Children and Adolescents" involves a lot of intense work, reading as well as a case study and although I was looking forward to it, I have decided that I needed to prioritise getting back to my physical health. This is week 3 and already I am behind in the readings which is adding to my stress.

I went to see a 'new' doctor today who my friend recommended me to see and this new doctor is very thorough. My blood pressure was high which is unusual for me and it could have been because I was anxious about seeing a new doctor. She has my medical records and knows that it was unusually high. In addition, she has suggested I have an X-ray on my left leg which is still hurting since the accident and even more so since she prodded it and pushed it. She thinks I may have bursitis. As I have been getting breathless after some activity, she has also said I need to have an ECG. She said I need to build up to doing exercise/activity so that I am doing it six times a week. I was feeling discouraged after my visit to the doctor even though she didn't surprise me with what she said.

I want/need to focus on getting healthy again and I am very fortunate to be married to a man who will do all he can to support me. Andy is willing to do whatever it takes and I know that if I need someone to walk with, swim with, play squash with, ride my bike with, he will be there to encourage me and share it with. In addition, I am going to take up water aerobics with a friend from work which will also help. I am glad I have taken this semester off as I was worried about how I could fit this in and now that I am not doing the study, I actually feel like a burden has been lifted. I can continue my studies next semester and will probably have more energy to do it.

On another note, Andy and I had a lovely time away recently. We enjoyed spending time with Nathan and Melanie while we were in Victoria and had fun sight seeing, doing new things and just having an adventure together. We walked along the beach, took photos of koalas that were so close, I could have patted one, climbed trees, and admired different views of mountains, beaches and rainforests. So much beauty to explore and enjoy!

The next school term is under way and I am really enjoying teaching my class. They are responsive and love learning. Some of them think I should be 'stricter' but I'm not sure what they mean by that - they get in trouble when they do something wrong and people often comment on how quiet my class works! Looking forward to the rest of the year with them.

Along the Road

Going along the road of life, one faces corners, bends and hills.
Reality is we don't know what's ahead and
Especially how much further it might be.
And so we drive on and on, 
Taking in the sights and anticipating the destination ahead.

On and on the road goes
Crossing over bridges, driving around unknown curves,
Enjoying the views, taking photos of the memorable
And talking, getting to know those who are with you on the same journey
Nurturing, encouraging and loving each other.

Roads can have their ups and downs and even 
Obstacles. Wildlife can jump in front of the car
And graze alongside the road so it's best to
Drive carefully and enjoy every unique moment.

Driving along the road during our travels, I thought of how it is like driving along the road of life and although it's a cliche and perhaps a corny way of thinking, to me it really is like that. Sometimes the road seems very long but you keep driving, hoping to make the destination sooner, rather than later. You get tired and need encouragement to keep going. That encouragement can come from someone else offering to drive for a bit or stopping when you see a koala in the tree and you take a photo. It can come from knowing that there's not much further to go and that the arrival will make the trip worthwhile.

The past few months have been very difficult for me and sometimes I feel torn between wanting to give up and run away and wanting to stay and make a difference. My uni study has been challenging but my friend Sharyn has given me invaluable help and I was so excited when I got my final grade for this subject which was the best yet so far in my Masters. Andy is so good to me and it's nice to come home from a long day at work, knowing that he believes in me and thinks I can do it - whatever 'it' is. I have some good friends who call and/or message me to find out how my day was and they are an incredible encouragement to me. There are people who love me and take the time to find out how I am 'really' and I appreciate that.

I am constantly reminded to make the most of every opportunity and be thankful for every good gift/blessing that is given to me. <-- Those are the things that encourage me to keep going when life is tough. Last week, when were on holidays, the cleaning lady was very friendly and before we left, I wrote her a note to thank her. As we were driving away, she came back out to the car with tears in her eyes and thanked me. I have no idea what she might be going through but I pray she finds hope in her life. I know there are friends around me who have struggles and trials in their life too and like my mum used to say, "Each pain is your own and you can't compare it to others."  So, keep driving forward but take a break and enjoy the scenery when you can. Remember that ad: "Break the drive. Stay alive."

Counting Down the Days

Counting down the days to holidays.

It's already been a long, trying, wearying year with blessings mixed in to make it bearable: A classroom of students who I enjoy teaching and having fun with, friends who make me laugh (and cry), a husband who loves me and learning/study that in another 12 months time I will say, "Yay! I'm done!" to. 

Watching Milly, my lab, walk faithfully behind Andy is so cute and she waits at the door for him while he is putting rubbish in the bin. We've also noticed that she loves to listen to me sing but cowers when Andy begins. When I start singing, she cocks/sways her head from side to side, comes up close, puts her paws on my legs and looks intently at me. She is so cute! The other day I was using photos as an aid for my students to write a descriptive paragraph. One of the photos I used was Milly swimming in a dam (lake-sized) with a tennis ball beside her, jet skis in the background and a gravelly 'beach'. When they were adding in adjectives, the students used 'black' and 'fluffy' but none of them used gorgeous or cute. Yet she is. 

I handed in my last assignment for this subject, one hour and thirty-eight minutes early and was very glad for my friend Sharyn's help as well as for the good mark I got on the last one so that I should finish with a pass. My next subject begins in a month's time from now (after our holiday).

Sometimes it's hard to stay motivated and keep going when you're tired and feeling overwhelmed with the hurts that you're going through. I know that I become super-sensitive and sometimes a simple hug or smile makes me melt. Hearing sad news makes me cry and being far away from people I wish I could be with, is difficult and that in no way, diminishes the love and support I am blessed to receive by my friends here. Tomorrow is Father's Day in the States but not here in Australia. I think of Dave's dad and wish I could go and visit with him. I think of the kids that Dave has 'left behind' and who no longer have the dad who loved them unconditionally and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible.

Yesterday being Saturday and me not having any study to do, I decided some retail therapy was needed. Unlike some of my women friends, I don't go clothes, shoes or handbag (purse) shopping. My first stop was Saddleworld, my next stop was Rhonda's Refits (Wrangler, Montana and other 'western gear'), then on to Officeworks where I found a very pretty mouse for my computer - bright pink! I didn't get to Australia Geographic store but all in all, with the purchases I made, I got great bargains. I couldn't choose between two pairs of earrings, so I had the girl behind the check out, hide them behind her back and I chose a hand. I took the earrings home and found out that the back doesn't catch so I will need to take them back and exchange them for the other pair. The bracelet I got from Saddleworld, matches the other 2 I bought a year or so ago. 

     My creative juices were flowing the other night when I was trying to sleep, so I am looking forward to this next week with my students. As well as working them hard, we will also have some end of semester fun. I am hoping they will be successful in arranging a teacher versus students' touch football game with a cheer squad organised for both sides. It should be fun and in this case, it's really not about who will win but how much fun we can have together.

It is really important for me to find and do things that I enjoy when I am finding life tough. It is important to count the days down to 'better' things and to wake up each day knowing that today is going to be a good day. There is a man at squash and he said his philosophy is to not care, that way he doesn't have a bad day and no one can make it bad for him. I can't imagine not caring and I think that caring and loving is what keeps me going. I love coming home from work. I love it that Andy is here and I love it that when I go to Milly, she wags her tail and raises her paw as though to greet me. I love that our neighbourhood is quiet and that there is a small mountain that's within walking distance. I love it that despite the hard times, there are still many things to be thankful for!

P.S. When I go to the dentist during the holidays, I'm going to warn him, "I know I need to floss my teeth more, I know I should have been here sooner, but it's been a tough six months so please use your most reassuring voice and encourage me to come back again in another six months time." 

If wishes....

Last Friday was the 12th June and therefore, five years since Dave and I got married. I don't know if anyone else thought about that day last Friday but I did. The day was sunny and we had about fifty friends and family gather together to celebrate our new beginning in Washington State, USA. I remember waiting on the steps with my bridal attendants while people kept coming and Dave kept talking but after the ceremony and the BBQ, the day was over and we were on our way to begin our new life together. Five years. It seems so long ago and yet, not so. It sometimes seems like it didn't even happen but then I dig up memories out of the cobwebs of my mind and remember things that happened in the short space of thirteen months. Tractors, horses, tubing, boats, basketball and snow, hikes through the woods, the Olive Garden, Applebee's and IHOP (International House of Pancakes). New friends, new family, new relationships built. These are just a few of my treasured memories. Thirteen months later, Dave had passed away and I remember sitting in my car about to leave and go back to Australia. Crying. 

Life goes on and I move forward with it because, quite frankly, the other option is not very appealing. It is so important to live life without regrets. We can't change the past and if we hold on to the hurt and grief, the pain can take hold of us and hinder us from enjoying the life we have to live. There is so much of life waiting out there, so many adventures to be had, so many new memories to make. While there are days that I could easily say "Enough already!" I know that the 'next step' might be the best one yet, or if not, it could be the one after that. Although I have not done so, a bucket list seems like a good idea. What would you do if you only had a year to live and could do anything you want to do?

I wish I could.
I wish I had the money to do what I dream of doing, to do what I love doing and not have to worry about bills and other costs.
I wish I had the time to take off and go places I would like to explore. 
I wish I could own and ride a horse, off into the sunset until sunrise and then again.
I can wish all I like but wishing doesn't turn dreams into reality and doesn't make things happen. All I can do is take steps to make it happen and all along the way, embrace the days I have been given as a surprise gift. It's sort of like walking along the garden trail. I set off on a track with the 'goal' in mind but along the way, I enjoy the views and enjoy the rugged tracks. I enjoy the bends and newness of each part of the track that I have to travel before I reach my goal.

Imagine if I gave up on living. Imagine the blessings I would have missed out on: the road trip around the Eastern part of Australia, moving to new places, making new friends and renewing old friendships, beginning a teaching job in a "new" school with a wonderful class and enrolling in a University course to study something I am passionate about - counselling children. Imagine all the songs I have sung and heard and the sands I have walked along at the beach.

Imagine if I hadn't have opened my heart to love and be loved by Andy. He is a man wanting to serve me and make me happy. He even puts me first. For example, he willingly gives up going to footy training so that I can study with my friend Sharyn to get my assignment completed. He wishes he could give me all that I have dreamed of and he encourages me to keep moving forward. I asked him questions I read on Facebook and one of them said, "If your wife was to become famous, what would it be for?" He replied, "For being a psychologist or being an author/photographer". One of the things he admires about me is he thinks I have determination and that I keep going even when it gets tough. Yes, he sees me when I am feeling overwhelmed and sees me when I want to give up. He gives me hugs and reassures me. He has taken me close to his heart. I am thankful for Andy.

My life has changed dramatically year after year over the past five years and sometimes I am really tempted to give up - as if I even had a choice. I don't like making decisions and I find it hard to dream and make plans when life has proven it doesn't always turn out that way. I get overwhelmed and find it hard to get motivated when I am in such a state which doesn't bode well when I have an assignment due. I know that there are better things to come but I also know that before then, there is work to be done and issues to be resolved. Recently a song by Sanctus Real was playing on my iPad and the lyrics were something I could easily relate to:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again.

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

There are verses in Ecclesiastes 3 that say, "He has made everything beautiful in its time.... I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God." and in Lamentations 3:22,23 "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

Today is a gift. Not only don't we know what tomorrow holds, we don't even know if we'll be able to enjoy it. Live today and make every moment count.