Structure and Study, Mowing and Milly, Safe and Blessed

Over the weekend I made a decision that I need to get some routine and structure into my life, in order to get the right balance for my health. I will get up early each morning so that I can begin study by 8:30am when I don't have to work. The principal from the Christian school called me this evening and invited me to work a half day tomorrow which I willingly accepted. Ever since I told that senior class that I met Hamish and Andy in real life on their Gap tour to the US, they have really liked me. I almost have 'star status' in their eyes. (Dave and I met Hamish and Andy when we went to the Combine Demo derby for our first wedding anniversary.) Anyway, I am also working on Wednesday and Friday so I will have to get some study done tomorrow after work, then Tuesday and Thursday. On Saturday, Sharyn and I will do the role play assignment it needs to be recorded and uploaded by Wednesday the following week. Whew! The home stretch and getting the last assignments submitted is drawing close.

I mowed the yard this afternoon. When the mower stopped just after I finished the front yard, I thought it that maybe I should take a break and come back to it "some other time" but I knew if I did that, I would use mowing the lawn as an excuse not to study and then get neither done. As I mowed up and down the rows, I kept trying to measure how much I had left. e.g. "I am halfway" ... I would mow a few more and think, "No, I'm only a third of the way." and then I would include the front yard and think, "I am more than half way." It took me a couple hours to finish off the mowing as I had done some yesterday. I am so thankful Dave taught me how to use a self-propelled mower and I am looking forward to getting my own. At the moment, I am still using the store's mower because the new ones haven't come in yet, much to their frustration.

Milly played games with me while I was mowing. She would run around in circles with me in the centre of the circle. When she tired of that, she would run along beside and sometimes behind me, trying to catch my jeans in her teeth, playfully. She would chase after the sticks I tossed out of the way and give them a bit of a chew then come back to me. Sometimes she would play chicken with the lawnmower. She would run up ahead, wait until the lawn mower was close, then run away. It meant I had to know where she was every moment of the mowing. The dog next door came out to play so she spent some time at the fence, running up and down it to play with the neighbour's yappy dog. Milly rarely barks which is nice.

 

This morning I decided to visit a different church and the Watoto Children's Choir was singing there. The choir is made up of African children, the youngest is only 8, who have been abandoned or made homeless. Some of the young children shared their stories. One young boy and his mother were running when soldiers called out "Stop!" but they kept running and his mum was shot. One young brother and sister watched their mother and younger sister leave and waited for them to come back but they never did. Other children had lost their mums to disease or had been abandoned on the steps of a hospital. All were now properly cared for and looked after at Watoto. It was inspirational and heart-touching. I had tears running down my cheeks. There was an African girl sitting in front of me with a church family and she was crying, too. I wondered what was going through her mind and what memories it ignited in her. The choir had been in Australia for 2 weeks but are going to be here for 4 months. How amazing is it that not long ago, they had been in 'hopeless' situations and now here they were dressed in colourful costumes, singing and dancing with big smiles on their faces.

 

God is good. All the time. I will say it over and over again, While I sat in church, I was again reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. Yes, I have been through hard times and heartbreaks but never once has God left me to fend on my own. I am blessed with love, good friends and family and I can ride a horse, walk along the beach and play with my dog. I can teach and I can learn and tonight I get to sleep safely in a warm bed with a roof over my head and know that I am loved.

 

Be Content With the Present

I've just finished watching "Sound of Music" for the umpteenth-hundredth time. It's such a good movie and I enjoy watching it every single time. I sing along with the lyrics, still get frustrated with the baronness and still find it inspiring. When I was younger, I always had to go to bed right around the time when they do the concert and escape so it wasn't until my late teens when I was able to watch the whole movie and see the ending. I remember one time when we were watching it as a family and one of the older teen guys from church came around and said, "Oh are you watching that movie again?!" but he had never seen it before so sat and watched it, asking lots of questions about what happened next. It still makes me smile to think of that.

Today didn't turn out how I had planned but it was even better. When I wrote, "I need a job" on my last blog post, it was an afterthought but also something that I have been praying for. My friend Sharyn turned up early this morning (before 8am) so that we could work on my assignment together which involves me doing a role play and recording it. While she made herself a cuppa, I tried on my new dress for her so she admired it and we discussed plans for the day which included shopping after study. The phone rang at 8:30am and not expecting it to be a telemarketer, I answered.

The principal was calling to see if I could work for the day and Sharyn told me to go. She laughed and said it would help pay for the dress and we could work on the assignment next Friday. When I got to the school, the office lady was happy to see me and chatted for a bit, then I went and found the principal who was doing PE with my class for the day.  He had stopped the children in his group and they were all watching me coming towards them. As I got closer, he counted to three, then they all said good morning to me. He turned to me and said, "I'm so glad to see you Actually, it's always good to see you!" It was a very welcoming greeting and I so enjoy being there. It's a great atmosphere to work in and I had a good day. At the end of the day, I was about to leave when I saw the business manager and she was excited to see me. It seems I always get on well with the business managers. She and I chatted for a while and when I called Sharyn after work, I told her how much socialising I had done just after I had recognised my 'need' to socialise more.

During the day, the principal asked me if I'd be willing to work some more days this term and he seemed grateful when I said yes. There was one day that he wanted to me to work but as I had other plans, he changed it to suit me. I always love it when schools are willing to change their timetable around just so that it works for me, too. Next week I have two days of work which means I have 2 other days for study and another day to get a roadworthy for my car so I can change the licence plates and I will also need to change my licence.

Again, I just have to admit how amazing God is. He supplies all my needs at the perfect time. I think of a verse that I once read when I was doubting that and it's from Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." I do laugh when things that I have been worrying about fall into place so perfectly and then I wonder why I even doubted in the first place. God is good. All the time.

Sometimes I wonder about my life and what it looks like and what I think it should look like. The unknown frustrates me and I wish that everything could be perfect... what I think 'perfect' or even just 'normal' looks like. I get caught up in chasing things that I think would 'complete' my life and get disappointed when it doesn't turn out how I think it should. Yesterday I read the following quote:

What messes our life up most -- is this EXPECTATION of what our life is SUPPOSED to look like.

I read that and thought how true that is and I am sure I'm not the only one who thinks like that. We are bombarded with messages from movies, books, others (including friends, colleagues, churches), media, telling us what our lives should like; Have the perfect body, the lastest trends in clothing, success in marriage, the sleek, speedy car, money for your every need and whim. We get caught up trying to 'fulfill' those expectations and when we don't make the mark, we get discouraged, disappointed and sometimes see ourselves as failures. I know that when I am striving to achieve my dreams and goals, I forget to be content with what I have and forget just to enjoy the present. The life that I am living now is what it is supposed to be for today and I need to make the most of each day that I have, doing my best and enjoying the many privileges and blessings I have. Yes, that includes doing my best even in my studies and I am so very grateful for the life I have right now.

Life As A Balancing Act

I recently read, "There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are supposed to be doing something else."

Right now I am trying to find the right 'balance' that works for me which is not just about making sure I study enough but also includes taking care of my health, getting enough social interraction and doing things I enjoy. I know it sounds difficult to believe if you really know me but I can get stuck at home. It is a lot easier for me to stay at home and potter around than to get in the car and go somewhere. I don't eat out or get take away, I don't go to movies and concerts and shopping is reserved usually for necessities such as groceries and dog food. Going away last weekend was my idea but  when I started thinking it would be easier and cheaper to stay at home, I am glad Sharyn encouraged me to go and was even willing to keep Milly for the weekend.

It was once said of me that the more friends I have, the happier I am and I am used to having a lot of friends but at the moment, friends are sparse. I get on well with the people I work with but as that's on a casual basis, I don't see them often. At church, I have met only 2 couples and one of those couples live around the corner so they stay in touch. My course is online so apart from emails, I have not met any students or lecturers in person yet. I have Skype and Facebook but it would be nice to be able to go out with friends on a regular basis. One of the 'problems' is most people already have their lifestyle, their family and their commitments to church and/or leisure activities.

The thing is that to gain friends I have to be willing to put in the time and money, especially as I don't live right in town. I also have to be willing to make a commitment (e.g. to a sport) and I am really good at using my need to study as an excuse to not go out. It doesn't mean I am always studying but the intention is there. I also don't want to be the person who always does the calling, the messaging, the initiating of going out somewhere, be it on the phone, in person, on skype or in email. Sometimes I want someone to call me and ask, "How are you really doing?" I think I will try out a new church this week and see if people are more welcoming and friendly than this present one.

Yesterday I went shopping for a new dress as my nephew is getting married next month and I don't have any suitable winter clothes. I took a photo of one of the dresses I most like and sent it to my son's girlfriend for her opinion. She loved it and talked it up (via texting) and it (the dress) was lovely, warm and practical as it could be dressed up or just casual. I am thankful for the technology that enables me to maintain relationships with people across the world and as I was driving home from town, I realised that I need balance in my life. I need to interract with people face to face and I need to make sure I leave the house regularly in order to have that balance.

One of my neighbours visits regularly to check up on me and Sharyn and I talk regularly. A couple of weeks ago I had a hot chocolate with a guy after church and while he is nice, I am not interested and have told him that very clearly. He hasn't quite accepted that yet but he is so NOT my type! He thinks I am easy to talk to and I feel like saying, "It's my job to be easy to talk to." When we were leaving the cafe, I almost tripped over the table and chair in my hurry to go in the opposite direction but he still sent a text message later telling me I was charming. P.S. This photo was not taken when I was with that guy.

Well, I really should go and do some study. I have now given up diet coke and my favourite drink is "Bundaberg Creaming Soda". It looks like my tooth will be filled with a permanent filling and not a root canal but there's about three more weeks to make sure.  How are those two sentences connected, you might be asking? Well, I gave up diet coke when my tooth was aching because I read somewhere that diet coke eats calcium and when I stopped drinking dc and drank milk, my toothache would be less. Now that it's been fixed, I could go back to drinking diet coke but it makes Mom Flowers happier if I don't. Maybe I will even take up drinking coffee one of these days.

I need a permanent job.

More Than A Little Blessed

On Saturday as I was riding on a mountain, crossing through rivers, listening to kookaburras laugh and seeing beauty in all directions, I was so thankful for my life and of the many good things I am privileged to enjoy. As I looked around me and reflected over the past few years, I could see so much good has come out of hard circumstances. I suffered loss and heartache but I have grown stronger through it. I have learned to appreciate and value many things which others take for granted in their lives.

I take lots of photos which Dave used to make fun of me about but I will continue to take photos so that I can remember all the good times and the people who are a part of my life. Photos don't capture the full beauty of the moment or the scene but they remind me of the enjoyment I received at that time. When I look at a sunset at the end of a day, I am thankful that I got through another day. Sometimes I will say, "Thank you God for this day" and other times I will say, "Thank you God for getting me through another day." As I walk along the beach, I am thankful for the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks and of children laughing as they race each other down to the water's edge. I am thankful that I can see the blue ocean, the threatening grey clouds on the horizon and the blue skies above the grey ones. I am thankful that I can feel the soft sand between my toes and can feel the warm sunshine on my face.

 

As I was riding, I was mindful that Mother's Day was the next day so I thought about my mum and her influence in my life. Over the years, there's been so many times when I have wanted to call her and tell her what's on my heart and longed to hear her reassurance once again. I thought about Nathan and that even though we couldn't be together on Mother's Day this year, he is still my son who I gave birth to and I am proud of the young man he has become. I thought about Dave and how much I love and miss him. I remembered a time when he went out of his 'usual' way and held me close and told me that he is proud of me. I wondered if people in Heaven can look down and see us and if they can, what are they thinking of us?

Since Dave passed away, I have been doing things that I enjoy and some of those things are new things that I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. Sometimes I have the attitude that I do these things to 'mark time' and get through the day but more lately I have been doing things because I want to live life and make the most of every day. I am content with my life as it is and feeling more settled than I have been for a long time. I have plans but I keep my plans flexible because circumstances in life can turn those plans upside down and then we have to find a new way to go.

Having said all of that, I still feel that there is one thing missing in my life and that is someone to share it with. It would be nice to have someone who values me and wants to know how my day went, someone who gives me a hug to reassure me and who believes in me and someone who I could give my heart and love to. It would be great to have someone who is passionate about making a difference and be able to dream and make plans with. I do get lonely and starting all over again - making new friends can be hard work, even for me. On the other hand, I am not willing to settle for second best nor do I want a man to think that "She'll do". Being content does not mean complacency or mediocre. On the way home from my weekend away, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and feeling very lonely and I heard a song by "The Corrs" with the lyrics,

"I'm not looking for someone to talk to,
I've got my friends,
I'm more than OK,
I've got more than a girl could wish for,
I live my dream,
But it's not all they say.

Still I believe
I'm missing something real.
I need someone who really sees me."

While I sang along with that song, the next song sung by Sandi Patty, reminded me of the correct perspective:

That you would know the love of God
That you would grow to love his truth
Savor him and know that he is good

To know he dances over you
And that he finds delight in loving you
He made you he formed you for his own

I pray you’ll always keep the faith
And find your life in God alone
When darkness comes you’ll hide inside his love
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/sandi-patty-my-prayer-for-you-lyrics.html ]
Cause when the night takes over day
Jesus will always be your only way
His hand will calm the fears that cloud your soul

That you will give your life away
And that your hands will always share his tenderness
Your feet will walk the road that leads to peace
That you’d bring honor to his name
That you would know him well
And make him Lord

This is his plan; this is my prayer for you
This is his plan; this is my prayer for you
This is my prayer for you

Mothers Day 2013

I just reread the blog post I wrote for Mother's Day last year. It's interesting to read and reflect on the steps forward I have taken and also to see God's hand in leading and guiding me on this journey. On one of my assignments, the lecturer added a personal comment welcoming me to the new area and said, "I hope things have settled for you after such a big transition!" He also gave me some positive feedback about my assignment and helpful advice plus a "B"! I was so excited. It's been a big few months with moving interstate, starting at university after a 25 yr break and learning so many new things but I am so thankful that everything seems to be falling into place.

As Mother's Day approaches, I am reflecting on what that day means. My mum passed away in June 1999 and the first few years after that, I 'hated' Mother's Day.  I missed mum so much and for me, Mother's Day was about her. People would say to me that since I had a young son, I should enjoy it for him but it took a while for me to see me as the 'mother' for Mother's Day. It got easier as Nathan got older and we could do things together. Last year, Nathan and I went horse riding together, the year before, he wasn't around but I was with Dave and the year before that, we spent the day together and he 'built a bear' for me which was a kangaroo. He chose the clothes, the sounds and filled out the adoption papers for the kangaroo, with his cousin Pete who also had lunch with me that day.

This year, I am on my own so I decided I would go away for the weekend rather than sit at home and feel alone and sorry for myself. I am going to go horseriding and will walk along the beach. I will be back in time to Skype with Nathan and then on Mother's Day in the States, I will talk to Mom Flowers. I am so thankful for Mom Flowers. The other day I was talking to her and she shared about her difficulty understanding why she and Dad had outlived Dave and I had to say that I am thankful because I know Mom and Dad Flowers pray for me every day and want the best for me. I am thankful that I am their 'baby girl' and I am part of their family.

God has blessed me so much!So, this Mother's Day, although I am on my own, I am thankful for my Mum, for Mom Flowers and for being a Mum to Nathan.

I Passed My First Assignment

Yesterday was going to be a day for study but ended up being a day for buying a new phone and setting it up. I could have, should have studied but I didn't. I can talk positively about my study and tell you how much I enjoy learning in both these subjects and that is true but I can also tell you how I am feeling overwhelmed by it all and wondering if I've bitten off more than I can chew. I have looked at both the assignments due in the next few weeks and I am unsure of what they require me to do. I am hoping it's only because I've looked at it briefly and that perhaps it will become clearer as I continue my readings. Tonight there is an online discussion about one of the assignments which I will listen to and maybe that will help.

I know that I put off studying when I am feeling overwhelmed and I keep hoping it will fix itself and somehow be done for me while knowing all along, it won't happen that way. One of the reasons I wanted to join a class was so that I could get the feedback of other students and work with them but this is an online course so it doesn't work like that. Today I will be studying no matter what. I want to have the weekend off, the due date for assignments is looming closer and I don't want to get so far behind that I can't catch up. I need to mow the lawns and tidy the house as there is a rental routine inspection on Tuesday but I will do that on Monday.

I logged on last night to check my student email and found out that the marks were in for my first assignment on classroom behaviour management and I passed... but only just! I got a C. My main area of weakness was the referencing which I knew it would be plus I also should have included headings. I texted my son Nathan to tell him about my result and I was feeling a little disappointed but I am so thankful for his response:

"Congratulations! Good stuff, mum, well done! And don't worry, you'll get there. Pass equals degree/masters and all that. And don't worry, it's bound to take a bit to get into the swing of it. You'll get there." 

This morning when I was lying in bed thinking that I had to get up and study for the day, I was trying to think more positively and then decided to do the pros and cons to keep it balanced. My goal was to pass my first assignment which I did. It is the first time I've done formal study in many years and especially being online, it's a huge deal. I am studying my Masters which is more 'academic' than doing a diploma or bachelor. I passed my first assignment without really knowing the expectations and without even fully understanding what was required in my writing.

Last night I was thinking it was all too hard and that I am not 'good enough' to do this but in the light of a new day, I realised that I can do this. Patsy Clairmont, author, speaker, comedian had on her Facebook page "Don't believe everything you think" and I read it and realised that I needed to apply that to my thoughts when I am feeling discouraged and don't think I am capable. I can do this and I will do this because this is what I am meant to be doing and what God has put on my heart to do.

So now that I've vented a little, it's time to go study.

The Four D's and 2 More.

Dedication is what it takes to get my study done. After I submitted my two major assignments, I decided to take a short, congratulatory break but as the days went by, I began to panic and feel overwhelmed that I was getting too far behind and would never catch up. It's sort of like a catch 22 because I was getting behind by not doing it. I realised that I often respond like that, even in other situations. If I feel overwhelmed because I have a lot to do I will procrastinate. However, If someone comes alongside me and encourages me in a practical way, it only takes a moment and I get back into it again.

Last week I decided to hit the books again and set out a plan for myself of what I wanted to get done each day. As I did the readings, I realised I wasn't as far behind as I had imagined and I also remembered how interested I am in both subjects. Today I am up-to-date in one subject and tomorrow, I will be caught up in the other. It's a relief because I also need to get started on the assignments which are due in 4 weeks for one and 5 weeks for the other.

Dentist Like most people I know, I don't like going to the dentist and I will put it off for as long as I can. However, putting off going when one has a toothache doesn't help the toothache go away. Yesterday as I was lying back in the dentist chair, listening to the rumble and whirr of the drill, the swish of the suction hose and the scraping of another tool the dentist was using, I actually thought how thankful I am for the progress of dentistry in the last 20 or more years. The dentist explained to me what she was going to do, what needed to be done and I even got a numbing cream put on the tooth before it was injected.

However, because I had not gone to the dentist sooner, it is probable I will need a root canal done. Over the next couple of days, if the pain is unbearable, it will mean the nerve has been permanently damaged. The dentist did medicate the tooth area so it is possible that it will heal and if that happens, she will put a permanent filling in. I will go to the dentist early next week for a check up and clean and we'll discuss the options for that tooth. It will be expensive and I don't have private health cover but better to pay now than to let it go on and on and have to pay even more then.

Dog Milly is doing well and when I took her to the vet earlier this week, the vet remarked that Milly is the best behaved puppy she has seen in a very long time. She told me to continue training her the way I do so when I figure what I do to train her, I will continue doing it that way. I really do think I just got lucky that Milly is so compliant. She has put on 5kgs (11lbs) in the last five weeks which apparently is very normal for a puppy of her age and breed. Today, when I was having a break from study, it was good to go outside into the sunshine and throw a ball for Milly to fetch. She is a good puppy.

Day is done and night is here along with some wind, rain and distant thunder. Life seems to be going OK for me at the moment. Of course I still miss Dave and think of him daily but I am feeling settled at this moment. I am thankful for the blessings in my life and the direction I seem to be headed.