The First Of December, 2012

I'm so excited because it's the first of December which means it's the first day of Summer and Christmas day is only a few weeks away. I was talking with a colleague yesterday, in between report writing and he was on the interview panel when I first applied for the job I have now. He said I 'interviewed well' and I compared myself from then to now. I look back and see how much I have grown and how much I have healed. These are random things.

Then: Not looking forward to Christmas and didn't want to put up a tree.

Today: Bought a Christmas tree and with Nathan, we put it up and decorated it.

Then: A feeling of sadness and deep grief encompassed me
Now: Although I miss Dave, I am excited about what the future might hold for me.

Then: I'd hear songs on the radio and either cry or turn it over to another radio station to a song I didn't know or a song that wasn't going to break my heart.
Now: I sing. I hum. I sing along. I turn the radio to songs I do know. I smile when I sing and I enjoy singing again.

Then: Singing worship songs sometimes made me cry and be sad. 
Now: Sometimes that can still happen but I still want to sing and praise God.

Then: I didn't care what the future held and just existed from moment to moment.
Now: I still don't know what the future holds but I want to live my life to the fullest.

Then: I didn't know if I really wanted to continue teaching and wondered if I really was a good teacher.
Now: I have had a challenging class but I love them and I'm thankful for the privilege of teaching. I want to teach. I want to be in a school where I am able to put down roots and once again, get involved, give, teach, learn and thrive with my class.

Then: (Actually more like June 2010) I told Dave how glad I was that I would never have to write another report again!
Now: I have finished reports for this year and I am satified that I have written with fairness and kindness. I have not sugar-coated the truth but at least the teacher who has them next year will know a little about my students.

Then: I surrounded myself with things from home. (with Dave)

Now: I surround myself with things from home and smile because of the memories I have. As I took out the ornaments, I thought of how Dianne and I had divided them in half and she has half the same as me! As I set up the Nativity Scene, I thought about how Dave had made it a priority to set it up and he would take care in the way he arranged the figurines. As I switched on the ornaments that light up, I thought about how Mom Flowers had bought them and given them to Dave and I as she didn't use them.

Then: I wanted to stay in bed all day and didn't care if I didn't see anyone except my close friends.
Now: I get up before 8, even on Saturday mornings! I love getting out and making new friends and spending time with people.

Then: I walked. I smiled. I talked. But  a lot of it, was just going through the motions, hoping to get through the next moment, the day, the night and go through the motions again.
Now: I walk. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I dance. I sing. Because I want to.

Then: I didn't care.
Now: I care. I love having Nathan here with me for a couple days. I am looking forward to giving my students their Christmas gifts and looking forward to spending the last day with them, not because I am eager to say goodbye but because they have become so precious to me.

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow with tears in my eyes from missing Dave. I might not have a job by the end of next week and will be wondering what I will do once I have finished work on the 12th December. I might feel uncertain and insecure. But. It really doesn't matter because in my heart, I know that God knows what I need, He knows what the future holds and, just like He has done has every moment and every day since Dave passed away, He will continue to hold me and guide me. He will make sure that I have everything I need at the perfect time that I need it.

I will not always get things right and the past year has been challenging and painful. People have been insensitive and encouraging, distant or close, abrupt and tactful but God has remained constant and faithful.

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

And never will there be a time that He will leave me to walk alone.

Being Thankful For Much

The other day when the staff gathered to pray, the air was heavy with all the concerns and prayer requests; people in pain, people grieving, people lost and when we broke off into our small groups, I felt saddened by the news.  One lady in our group began to pray by thanking God for the blessings in our life, praising Him because He loves us and as she prayed, my heart felt encouraged and I was reminded of how much I had to be thankful for.  That day I went on an excursion with my class and two other classes and we had a good time together.  I was thankful for my class and for the two other adults who accompanied us.  It was fun!

However, even though I know it's important to have a positive attitude, sometimes I struggle with the  uncertainty of my future and the enormity of the end of year tasks coming up.  Some of it's good, like the social events but some of it can be wearying, such as the writing of reports.  This morning I woke up with my throat stinging and my head not wanting to leave the support of my pillow.  I ached all over and yet I had too much to do so had to get up.  I checked my email and read the following by the author Andy Andrews.

"How to be happy when you don't feel happy."

I groaned.  I knew what was coming next and I didn't want to read it.  I want to be allowed to feel unhappy, stressed and achey all over.  Other people do it and get away with it.  Besides, today is Saturday so why shouldn't I feel that way since I won't be in anyone else's way.....  I continued reading.

• No one wants to follow a grouch
• You have to become someone whom others want to follow
• Choose to be grateful
• Most people exist in life without anyone telling them how great they are
• Learn how to vocalize the things we are grateful for having in our lives

I have really enjoyed reading some of the facebook statuses of my friends from the US.  They have been focussed on recording daily something they are thankful for and some have even included photos.  I know I need to choose to be grateful and at the beginning of this year, I had started a photo thankfulness blog but then had difficulties of uploading the photo when my laptop destroyed my SD card and it was no longer safe to put SD cards straight into the laptop.  Although I have since found a solution to that problem, I didn't continue with that blog.

I do have many reasons to be thankful and the first thing that comes to my mind is that I am loved.  I have so many wonderful people in my life, both family and friends and some of you have no idea the impact your love has in my life.  You are only a phone call or skype call away, you are available for me, you make me laugh and you don't give up on me.  You hear me when I cry and you don't walk away.  I am thankful for you!

I am going to have an early night tonight because I am physically unwell but a good night of sleep might help.  I went to school today and oddly enough, I was the only one there so I did get some work done which makes me feel a little more organised and ready to write reports.  I looked up an ad again of a job that I might like to have.  The other day when I read the ad, I felt discouraged but since then the ad has been slighly changed and I know I can do that job.  I also know that if it is the job I am meant to have, then God has it under control so I am feeling a little more hopeful.

This past week, there has been a bookfair at the school so I have been avoiding the library for that reason.  However, I had to go there to choose 3 books for awards for my students so I finally got there.  After I had chosen the books, Aleysia laughingly waved the catalogue in my face and I swept it aside as I swept up books, CDs, posters and anything else that took my fancy, into my arms.  I put them on her desk and paid for them.  Ahhh, the joys of Koorong!  I played the CD as I worked today and realised that a few of my favourite songs from this year were on it.  I hadn't even checked but I was certainly thankful they were on it as it will save me downloading the songs from iTunes.

It's the weekend.  I will take some time to be thankful that God has His hand in my life, that He loves me more than I can measure and that He does have a plan and purpose for my life.

Thank you for loving me.

The End of the Year Looms

This is a difficult time of year.  As I drove to a shopping centre about 20 minutes away from home, I sang along with the songs on my iPad and confidently thought about the future and about how far I had come in terms of healing.  Of course, some songs lead me to think about bittersweet memories but one song in particular had words that said something to the effect of "if I had it to do all over again, I would because it was worth it, it was worth loving you...."  And it was, but sometimes the pain gets my heart in a knot and I wish life was different and wish Dave was still alive, sharing his life with me.

I was excited to be going shopping because I had made something special for each of my students as part of the Christmas gift I will be giving them.  It had taken a lot of time and I thought that if I finalised details tonight, it would leave me 'free' to use Saturday for report writing.  I am the worst procrastinator so I need to eliminate all possible distractions.  While I waited to finalise those purchases, I looked in jewellery/gift stores, 'house' stores, clothing stores and Big W.  Trying on a pair of jeans didn't help.  I much prefer the US sizing and prices!  I looked at a set of glasses that I keep thinking of buying but I had enough purchases for the evening, so decided to sit down and have something to eat since it was almost 8pm.

I opened up the gift I had for my students and out of the 26 gifts, one was wrong!  I was so disappointed and now I have to figure out another time to redo that one.  Perhaps I will just do it online and have it delivered, rather than go that distance again.  Well, actually, it's not the distance that matters, it's the time involved and the fact that to get to that store, I have to go past 2480 other stores that are inviting and rather than waste a trip, I may as well look in.

The other thing that was on my mind was the fact that everyone's getting ready for Christmas and I have to face another Christmas without Dave.  I thought last year would be hard because it would be my first Christmas but in some ways, this year is hard because I am wanting to celebrate and share it with Dave but he is not here.  I am not sure if that makes sense to you.  It's hard to have the energy and desire to move forward and yet not be able to. When I was walking around the shopping centre last night, I kept seeing gifts that I would have liked to get for Dave and things I would like to buy for our home...

I also have the added dilemma of whether or not to unpack our Christmas decorations, get a tree and put them up.  I still don't have a job and if I have to move, there is no point getting them out. 

Which leads into my next concern in that I still don't have a job.  Everyone is quick to reassure me that God has a plan for my life and that He has prepared a place for me and I agree with them but it would be really nice to know what God has prepared for me so I can make plans.  One person suggested that if I don't get a job, I can put all my things into storage and go and live with friends out of one suitcase.  I have family and friends who would be gracious enough to allow me to stay with them but that is not the point.  But the questions are: Do I put up the tree? Do I start packing my boxes for moving? Do I plan to go away on a long holiday if I don't get a job? Do I look at other options rather than teaching? Do I give up on the dreams I have for buying my own place, having a horse and a dog and putting down roots?  Am I supposed to take a break from teaching?

One of the songs that played as I drove tonight was, "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul."  I sang along and prayed too.  How much does it mean to me to have my own place?  I don't want to spend the money I have when I could use it to buy my own home but will I have a choice?  Another song echoing my thoughts was that in everything, I want the Lord to be glorified. 

It gets discouraging applying for job after job after job.  I get focussed on a job and how it would be great for me and what I would do but then nothing comes of it and I have to try again.  It is like an emotional rollercoaster.  I get my hopes up high about a job, it comes crashing down, I get my hopes up high about the next job, it comes crashing down and so on.  It can also get annoying when people tell me they know how I feel or they try to tell me that God does have a plan for me but they are speaking from the security of their own job &/or their own home and/or their own family and their own settled lives. My trust is in God.  I have no one else. My belief is that God has a purpose and a plan for my life and I cling to that promise. I know that He will provide all I need.  He provides food for the birds of the air and clothing for the flowers of the field and He loves me even more than those.

But I just want to know what it is I am supposed to do.  I love teaching.  I am really enjoying my class and having lots of fun with them.  The end of the school year is closing in and there's only 3 weeks left.  What then? 

Creator God Made Me

The sand is warm and soft beneath my feet, the sun is shining on my face and the wind plays with my hair as I walk along the beach.  I can hear the waves crashing and splashing while seagulls glide over the surface of the water.  The sky is blue and the sea is turquoise with tips of white, frothy water rolling over the sand.  Oh how I love this place!

When I am here, I know how great my Father God is.  I can see His power and creativity displayed before me.  He is here with me, holding me, loving me and reminding me that He is totally in control.  He knows my thoughts and the desires of my heart and He doesn't ignore those in the plans He has prepared for my future.  After all, He made me like this and put those interests, desires and talents within me for a purpose.

As I sit here on the sand, facing the ocean, I am at peace.  The things that are worrying me, the memories that bring tears, the uncertainty of my future all fade momentarily into insignficance while I focus on the beauty of this place.  I pause in my writing to breathe in the sea air and I look up and watch a seagull fly effortlessly across the blue sky. A dog barks as he chases the ball his master threw.

Yesterday, after a rough sleepless night, I was listening to one of my CDs and heard lyrics that reminded me that:

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him, we know
God is in control

He has never let you down
Why start to worry now?
He is still the Lord of all we see
And He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me

It's been awhile since I've had a tearful night such as that but I do still miss Dave and the uncertainty of tomorrow combines to make me fret. 

A good friend told me that a teaching position on the coast may be opening up next week and it is also in an affordable place for me to live.  There's even a property with 5 acres including a horse stable and dam for sale.  My heart wonders, "Can I have it all?  A nearby coastline, rolling green hills, as well as a few acres for a dog and a horse?"  God knows my heart and my desires.  He knows the best place for me and has it all in control.

Now, I need to walk along the coast and continue to enjoy the sounds, sights and smells of the beach.  It's warm enough that I may even paddle my feet in the shallows.

Here is a treasure I found along the beach today.

 

Hope and Dreams

Recently I was feeling a bit discouraged and as I drove home from church, had a conversation with God about it, asking Him to tell me what I was supposed to do next year and reminding Him of all the likes, dislikes and passions I have.  With only 6 weeks until the end of this school year, it would be nice to make plans and have something definite for 2013.  When I first started applying for jobs, it was easy to trust that God had it all in control and that He would provide what I needed in His perfect timing.  However, I'm sure it's become evident to anyone reading this blog, that I feel that I am ready to put down roots and start moving forward with life.  I am thankful for this past year, for the time it has given me to get back on my feet financially and also finding out who I am again.  It's given me the opportunity to remember all the things I enjoy and helped me to know what plans are realistic enough for me to dream. I know this year hasn't been a waste of time at all.

After church, I was talking to my good friend Sonya, sharing with her how I felt about all this and her encouraging words were: God has a plan for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE!

Sometimes it is hard to keep hoping for something that is uncertain even though Hebrews 11:1 says that "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." 

When Sonya had stopped chatting with me, I went to check my email and a principal had emailed me, asking me if I was intending to apply for a teaching position at his school and that he would be happy to receive my application within the next few days.  I emailed him back with my resume and references and on the following day, posted my application form, as well as those resume and references. 

Having researched the area and looked at real estate, I would really, really love to get a job there. I could even afford to buy a house in that area.  I've picked one out which has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a workshop and a carport as well as an above ground pool.  It is set on two acres.  Whenever I've thought about buying, I've always thought two acres would be ideal.  First, I would buy myself a puppy so I can train it and I'd prefer a border collie x golden retriever or something similar in temperament, then I would buy my horse.  Even though it is not close to the beach, it is close to the bush and I could go riding which would more than make up for not being able to walk along the beach.  If the weather wasn't good, I could just groom my horse.

I would love to have my own house.  I was talking to Mom Flowers about it and she said it would be a lot of work.  When Dave and I were first married, he was gone for five to ten days of truck driving, so I learned how to check fences and repair them if necessary, I mowed acres and acres of yard (slight exaggeration) and looked after the horses, the dog and my darling step daughter. I know I can do this and I also know it is what I want.  It would be a dream come true if I was to get the job as well as the house and land.  It is in a warmer climate, so my egg chair would be perfect in the back yard too.

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend Donna and I shared my news with her.  We went to the beach and looked into the stores along the main street.  Being in a renowned surf and fishing area, there were lots of beach type products for sale, such as surfboards, fishing equipment and outdoor furniture. 

I bought a mirror. The mirror is symbolic of the hope and dreams I have and will go in the bathroom of the house that I buy.  I also  bought a wooden lighthouse which will find a place in my home to represent my love for the beach.  If you are so inclined, please pray that I will know very soon what I will be doing next year and that in the meantime, I will be patient and not get discouraged.

P.S. The mirror is about one metre high and about 75 cm wide.  I didn't measure it so that's my 'guess-timate'.

A Spring Day

I'm sitting outside on a beautiful , warm, Spring day, my laptop resting on my knees, birds twittering and flies buzzing past.  Of course, I am sitting in my very comfortable 'egg' chair and a sparrow just flew past, its wings almost touching the chair.  The sky is blue with a hint of white clouds scattered above and looking up, I can see the trees reaching higher than the powerlines.  Given time, I think I could fall asleep right here if I didn't have so much on my mind.

Last Friday night,  another teacher and I slept overnight in tents, with the grade 4 students as part of their 'farm' curriculum.  We played games, had a BBQ and watched "Babe" after eating too many lollies and chips.  By midnight, we were able to retire to our own tents and there was only a quiet murmur as children finally settled down for sleep.  I woke up at 3am, snug in my warm sleeping bag that was once Dave's and listened to students complain of being cold or wet.  It was a very cold 6 C, (about 42F) and I didn't want to get out of my tent, so I quietly growled at them.  It did little good.

I was surprised on Friday night when a student arrived as we were getting tents out and exclaimed, "So that's what a tent looks like!"  He had only ever seen one on TV.  Quite a few of the students had never even slept in a sleeping bag and on Saturday morning when we were packing up, I had to teach them how to roll or fold or stuff their sleeping bags up into the bag.  It was fun to share that time with our students, outside of the classroom, no emphasis on academics, just being able to talk to them and not have the same rules.

It has been a challenging year for my school class but each individual in my class is so special to me.  They are all so unique, with different home lives, different challenges in their lives and such diverse personalities.  My class is full of character and I will miss them.  If they have learned one thing, I hope they have learned that no matter what they go through, God's love is always there and He will never turn away from them.  Reading, writing, math will all pass away one day and all they will have left, is Him.

When I got home about 10am on Saturday, I did a few things and then decided to take a nap and see if I could catch up on my sleep.  One thing I have learned about getting older, it takes longer to recover from not enough sleep than it used to. That night, after doing nothing much all day, I got out Season 4 of Burn Notice. That is one TV show I really miss since being back here and I recently bought season 4 and 5 on sale so it was good to be able to watch it.  It brought back memories of sitting with Dave on our seat, watching TV and I still miss him.  I've been a widow longer than I was married to him for and the last 14 months have been full of a lot of stuff. 

Sometimes it feels that a whole lifetime has been packed into a short time and there are times I still feel sorry for myself and wish life was different.  But it is, what it is.  I am tired of taking one day at a time.  I want to start living again and I am ready for life but the uncertainty of next year is still there.  I wish I knew something for sure for next year so I could at least start planning towards that end.  In the meantime, I keep looking and applying for jobs.

At lunchtime I was bemoaning the fact that I feel so much older than I used to be and my housemate put her arm around me and said, "But I still love you!" and I told her she didn't know me when I was younger and had had much more energy and she said, "Well I love you anyway!" which was really sweet.  Having her stay here has been good although sometimes I miss not having my home to myself.  On the other hand, even though we work together, we don't really see all that much of each other as she has her life too.

It's hard to feel sorry for myself in weather like this.  I do have enough energy for the life that I live, and then some. lol  I still really wish I had a horse and could go riding, especially on days like this.  Today I was thinking about how, sometimes in my grief, I try to take on Dave's life and forget to be me.  I have to try and figure out what things I like and enjoy but on the other hand, who I am today has been influenced by Dave and I am thankful for him and the brief time we were able to share together.  Horse riding is something I have always enjoyed and is one of those things that we shared together.

Anyway, before I waffle on anymore, let me just remind you to life each day to the fullest.  Don't let the past or the petty things, steal the beauty of today from you. Be thankful for the friends and family you have, give them a hug and tell them you love them!

Helpless Female, I Am Not

On Saturday afternoon, I excitedly headed for Bunnings (similar to Lowes USA) under the guise of buying a plunger so I could unblock the kitchen sink.  I strolled up and down the aisles, looking at garden tools, drills and whipper snippers (weed eaters).  I looked at the wheelbarrows and even garden outdoor settings, including BBQs and an egg chair that was similar to mine but cost much more than mine did.  I walked out of the store with the plunger, a garden fork (with an ergonomic grip), weed killer, BBQ cleaner and gardening gloves.  I came home and unblocked the sink and did a little victory dance!

The next day I went to the show and got to watch bull riders with one of my friends, Vernessa.  At the show, we could get a lot closer to the bull rings than at the rodeos in the US and it all seemed a bit too close at times when you can see the whites of the bull's eyes and watch them paw the ground before charging at one of the 'rodeo angels'. We listened to an Aussie bush band play, bought a show bag, sampled licorice and took a ride on the roller coaster.  It was a good time.

Today, I was talking with my colleague about putting up tents as we are having a sleep over with our classes and she commented that we would need to put them up ourselves.  I acted horrified and asked why we had to do it.  I asked, "Don't you just bat your eyelids at your husband and get him to do it for you?"  She replied, "I like to be able to do things for myself sometimes and not play the helpless female."  I said I have no option but to do things by myself and it gets a bit 'old' at times.  I want to be able to play the helpless female.  (The conversation wasn't exactly like that but I'm sure you get the gist of it.)  I recalled a time two years ago when my step daughter and I had gone camping and we weren't sure how to put up the shade.  We sat there at the table in the sunshine with the shade beside us, until two guys camping nearby came and finished putting it up for us. (The photo was taken at the camping spot with Dianne.)

I came home from work and got online to pay the bills and check emails and fill out the voting form for the local elections.  I feel a sense of achievement when I do mundane things like paying bills and unclogging sinks but I also feel a sense of loss. 

The weather is warmer this week.  I love summer and being able to be outdoors doing things like walking along the beach and riding my bike.  On the other hand, it also reminds me that the end of the year is drawing near and with that, the uncertainty of what and where I will be next year is also nearer.  One of the conversations in the staffroom today was centered around a young couple who have made plans and others responded that plans are never set in concrete and life can sometimes mess those plans up. I thought about the plans Dave and I had made and now plans feel like wheat that is held loosely in the hand.  The wind comes and blows the wheat into the wind and it is no more.  

Plans can be made but sometimes plans need to be remade when life changes.  Just remember to enjoy each day and love the people who are in your life now.  Don't keep a record of their wrongs, instead give them a hug and move forward with them while you still can.  Whether he squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube or the middle, whether she can bake the best chocolate cake or not, in the end, is nothing compared to the love you can share and enjoy for as many moments as you have life.