Climb Every Mountain

Last year in January, Nathan and I walked to the Pinnacle in the Grampians. It was a Medium/Hard Grade with an elevation of 280m. (approx. 918') It was also in the middle of the day with temperatures at about 40 Celsius (over 100 degrees Fahrenheit). It was hard work and we took plenty of rests and drank from our water bottles. As people passed by and as we passed others, we stopped for rests and chatted with them. The view at the top was magnificent and the sense of accomplishment was also satisfying. We took photos and began our descent. Getting to the top was hard work but going down was hard too. My knee acted up and I actually would have preferred going uphill. Nathan offered to help me but I don't know how to lean on someone else when walking and we finally made it back down to the carpark.

The reason I am telling you this story is to tell you that's how it is for my life. Getting to the place I am at hasn't been easy and it has been full of heartbreak. I can feel positive from this place because I look back and see how God has turned around things for good and I am surrounded by people who love and accept me, doing things I enjoy such as teaching and learning and I have a lifestyle that suits me for now. It has been a hard climb getting here but I am not at the pinnacle yet and I still need to keep moving forward.

I received a phone call today that caused me to take a step back. I am sure the person was well-meaning (Aren't they always?) but it still hurt. As I stepped back, I looked around at my friends and family and felt envious. So many of them are in happy marriages and live a settled life. They have someone to wake up next to and someone who will walk through their life holding their hand, listening to their thoughts and dreams, comforting them, encouraging them and moving forward together. They are living out their dreams and plans and although they might add a few other incidentals in, their lifestyles will stay basically the same whereas I have only an idea of where I will end up and I am still striving forward to the place where I can stay settled.

Having said that, I am where I belong right now. The other day when I went out for dinner on Dave's and mine wedding anniversary, I had 9 other women friends come and join me. I am so humbled and grateful (and somewhat overwhelmed) for the love they show me. They value me for who I am, they are genuine, they love life and they want me to be a part of theirs. They laugh at my jokes, they want to get to know me better and they give me hugs just because they want to. One of my friends last Wednesday, picked up a water bottle off the table to use as her 'microphone' and sang "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you tomorrow" in the restaurant. My phone got swept up so that they could get my phone number into their phones but as I pointed out to one of them later, they forgot to give me their phone number.

I have met about 5 neighbours (families) who live in the same street as me. One family invited me over for a roast lamb dinner last Sunday and her husband cooked. They have asked me to tutor their 15 yr old daughter but we'll see. I'm not sure I can do Yr. 10 work and I will have to see how it fits in with my study and work load. Mother and daughter came over today for me to check over her assignments that are due in tomorrow and then they both stayed to play with Milly. When I am away, they will be checking my mail for me and keeping an eye on the place. I hope they pick some of those yummy Navel oranges that are growing in my backyard. I assume they are yummy but I haven't tried them yet.

I submitted my final assignment in last Friday and the sense of relief was wonderful but along with the sense of relief was also the sense of accomplishment. I did it! Not only  have I moved interstate on my own, but I have completed two subjects on the way to getting my Masters done and I have also been given a job at a great place to work. I am looking forward to working there full-time.

So yes, at the moment I am enjoying the view, in some ways, revelling in the life that I have because it is full of goodness. At the same time, I am aware that there are still more mountains to climb and there's a part of me that also looks back on the past, sees the heartache there and wonders if all the good I have now, is going to be taken away from me again, just as it was less than two years ago. It is so important to make the most of every day and to make sure the people you love know that without a doubt. My lecturer in educational counselling told me I was 'pro-active' in living my life and I guess that does about sum up how I feel. I am not about to let life just happen and nor am I willing to miss out on all that I can do. I want to make the most of this life and I choose to do what I can to make it all that it's supposed to be.

It's getting cold here at nights, sometimes down to 0 and -1 or -2 (Celsius) but it warms up to at least 18C. I have learned to make a roaring fire, I can drink a cup of hot Mocha and I can snuggle up in the snuggly that Dave gave me as a birthday present. I am choosing to live life to the fullest. God gave me strengths, He has given me so many blessings and I am thankful for today.

Bend Without Breaking

Well the assignment on Behaviour Management has been completed and submitted by the due date. I am happy with the finished product and also very thankful for: Sharyn, who spent a few hours with me on Monday giving me something to work with, the lecturer - giving me a good framework so that I knew how to set it out, the principal at the school I work at  - for answering some questions and giving me some constructive advice and for my friend Tonya who took the time to proofread my assignment. I am also thankful for the encouragement of a very few people who took the time to make sure I knew they not only love me but they believe in me, too. That email, Facebook message or Skype call meant more than you could ever know. I am very happy to have that subject done and now I just need to do the Educational Counselling assignment due at the end of next week.

I went to work today and had a great day. I love being in that school environment and enjoy the friendship of staff members there. The students are typical children. I had one boy come up to me and tell me that at first he didn't really like me but now he is even looking forward to me teaching his class when I am working there full time. It's obvious the students feel safe there and even though there are the "naughty" kids, they all know they are loved and valued. At morning tea time today, I was sitting in the staffroom and mentioned that next Wednesday is the wedding anniversary date of Dave and I so I've decided to go out for dinner, rather than stay at home and feel sorry for myself. I invited those who wanted to, to join me for dinner and there are a few who will do that too, so it won't be just Sharyn and I.

Today, the business manager gave me the RM Williams' horns decal for my back window so when I have  the window cleaned, I'll be able to stick the pink horns on. When I showed  the decal to a couple of friends at school, they commented that I was a 'real country girl' now and one of them said I needed to add more aerials to my car. I feel so appreciated and valued for who I am. They laugh with me, listen to me and enjoy me coming in.

As I was driving home, I heard a song on the radio that MercyMe sing and the words struck home. The song is called, "Move".

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I won't stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days (x2)

 I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus:]
When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move) (2)
I'm gonna move

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

I liked that imagery of bending but not breaking, of dancing anyway and that I am going to keep moving. As I drove home I listed the many things I have to be thankful for, but most of all, I am glad I am in a place where I am doing what I love, making new friends and staying in touch with 'old' friends and studying to learn about something else I am interested in. I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype yesterday morning and Mom said that she doesn't worry about me because she knows I make the right decisions and that I trust God. She knows Dave is in a safe place and when she prays for her 6 biological children, she prays for me in place of Dave. I thought about how God had turned around what hurts into good. That gives me peace.

Sometimes there are moments I catch myself missing Dave and when I hear of someone else's pain and loss, I cry. There are even some ads on TV that make me tear up, not because of the people on it but because of the memories with Dave. As I was driving home, I thought about Dave and I had a very comforting thought. Dave would be proud of me and happy for me as I live the life I am living right now. On the 12th June, it would have been our 3rd anniversary. Our time together was much too short but I am so glad I had the privilege of being his wife. I am thankful for the love we shared and the memories we made. I am so grateful that much good has come out of my grief and also the loss that other family members and friends experienced when Dave passed away unexpectedly.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you about another highlight of my day, today. When I got home there was a package of books for me that I had ordered only a few days ago. I eagerly opened them up. When I teach, the kids love hearing the books that I read to them and it's almost becoming my trademark to have great picture books when I am teaching. The principal asked me the other day to start thinking about what I am going to contribute to the school when I am working full time and what plans I have for 'my' class. Even if he hadn't asked me, I already had started thinking about it and one of those things is to make sure I have plenty of books to read with that class. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Aaarrrrggggghh!

I didn't have a very good weekend at all and it had little to do with the grey clouds and (what I consider) cold weather. It is good being able to light a fire and have it warming up the house.

However, I am struggling with getting my behavior management assignment done. I have done all the readings and taken notes, highlighted good quotes and done a rough plan. It is constantly on my mind and I turn over the concepts and possible wording of the paper in my head, almost 24 hours of the day. It isn't about making time to do it and it's not because I've been wasting time elsewhere, it's about the fact that I don't know how to write it. All amount of self-talk, positive "I can do this" and "Don't feel discouraged, just do it" statements don't make the paper become a reality. Today I felt like running outside, stamping my feet and screaming but I resisted the urge and plodded on, with a few tears close to the surface.

The last couple of nights I have had bad dreams and that hasn't helped me feel any better. When I wake up feeling tired and can remember the dream, I wonder why I dreamt that and it gives me a heavy feeling as I start the day.

I have felt very lonely over the weekend. I wish there was someone I could sit and watch a movie with, someone who could hug me and reassure me that I'm not 'stupid' and someone who I could live my life with, who is on the same wavelength as me. I went to church yesterday and it seemed like there were so many couples around - young adults, old people and people my age. It seems unfair that Dave passed away and left me alone when I am still young enough to live. The couples hold hands and sit closely together and at the end of the service, the young families gather together to go home. I know that their lives aren't perfect and Dave and I didn't have the perfect marriage but we had each other and planned to grow old together and make good memories along the way.

In another week's time, my study for this semester will be over but before that, two assignments have to be completed. In a few week's time, I will go and celebrate my nephew's wedding with my family and catch up with some friends who I've been missing but before then, I have things that need to be done here first. I want to look ahead to those good times but right now, my focus is on the here and now and I am feeling discouraged. I hate feeling like this! I know I have so much to be thankful for and I know I have achieved so much even over these last couple of months but all that is overshadowed by being alone and not having my assignments done.

I decided this morning that, rather than wait for a break in my study, I would do the laundry and the dishes. I figured that way they would get done. As I hung the washing out on the line, Milly picked up a sock and took it out of the basket. I dropped a peg and waited until I finished hanging up the top before bending it over to pick it up. My five second delay gave Milly the opportunity to pounce on the peg and she was reluctant to give it back to me. Later, when I was sitting at the kitchen table studying, I saw her lying there under the clothesline. Every now and again she would stand up and jump for the sleeve of my jumper. (sweater) I would call her and she would stop and lie down again, waiting for another moment. At one stage, she moved to the other side of the clothesline and I had to get up from the table to be able to see her. She jumped up a few times before she came to the back door and fell asleep there. She is getting so big now and yet, she's only five months old!

Tonight, I am going to Sharyn's so that we can look at my assignment, at what I have done and what I have planned, to see if I can figure out what I need to do from there. Tomorrow morning, I am meeting with the lecturer so by tomorrow afternoon, the words should just flow. Maybe. I have an idea of what is required of me but processing my thinking with Sharyn first, will help for when I speak to the lecturer tomorrow. Well the sun is setting, casting a golden, red glow over the mountains, paddocks and trees and tomorrow will be a new day. In the meantime, I will tackle some more of my assignment, feed the puppy and myself, pack the chocolate in with my laptop and notes and see if I can get some sense of understanding, direction and peace about this assignment before the night is over.

 

So I went over to Sharyn's and over a cup of mocha, she helped me put my thoughts into order and work out some questions that could clarify the lecturer's expectations. I am so thankful for Sharyn's patience and friendship. In some ways we are opposites but her strengths complement mine  and we work well together, especially if there's chocolate on the table between us!