I'm sitting outside on a beautiful , warm, Spring day, my laptop resting on my knees, birds twittering and flies buzzing past. Of course, I am sitting in my very comfortable 'egg' chair and a sparrow just flew past, its wings almost touching the chair. The sky is blue with a hint of white clouds scattered above and looking up, I can see the trees reaching higher than the powerlines. Given time, I think I could fall asleep right here if I didn't have so much on my mind.
Last Friday night, another teacher and I slept overnight in tents, with the grade 4 students as part of their 'farm' curriculum. We played games, had a BBQ and watched "Babe" after eating too many lollies and chips. By midnight, we were able to retire to our own tents and there was only a quiet murmur as children finally settled down for sleep. I woke up at 3am, snug in my warm sleeping bag that was once Dave's and listened to students complain of being cold or wet. It was a very cold 6 C, (about 42F) and I didn't want to get out of my tent, so I quietly growled at them. It did little good.
I was surprised on Friday night when a student arrived as we were getting tents out and exclaimed, "So that's what a tent looks like!" He had only ever seen one on TV. Quite a few of the students had never even slept in a sleeping bag and on Saturday morning when we were packing up, I had to teach them how to roll or fold or stuff their sleeping bags up into the bag. It was fun to share that time with our students, outside of the classroom, no emphasis on academics, just being able to talk to them and not have the same rules.
It has been a challenging year for my school class but each individual in my class is so special to me. They are all so unique, with different home lives, different challenges in their lives and such diverse personalities. My class is full of character and I will miss them. If they have learned one thing, I hope they have learned that no matter what they go through, God's love is always there and He will never turn away from them. Reading, writing, math will all pass away one day and all they will have left, is Him.
When I got home about 10am on Saturday, I did a few things and then decided to take a nap and see if I could catch up on my sleep. One thing I have learned about getting older, it takes longer to recover from not enough sleep than it used to. That night, after doing nothing much all day, I got out Season 4 of Burn Notice. That is one TV show I really miss since being back here and I recently bought season 4 and 5 on sale so it was good to be able to watch it. It brought back memories of sitting with Dave on our seat, watching TV and I still miss him. I've been a widow longer than I was married to him for and the last 14 months have been full of a lot of stuff.
Sometimes it feels that a whole lifetime has been packed into a short time and there are times I still feel sorry for myself and wish life was different. But it is, what it is. I am tired of taking one day at a time. I want to start living again and I am ready for life but the uncertainty of next year is still there. I wish I knew something for sure for next year so I could at least start planning towards that end. In the meantime, I keep looking and applying for jobs.
At lunchtime I was bemoaning the fact that I feel so much older than I used to be and my housemate put her arm around me and said, "But I still love you!" and I told her she didn't know me when I was younger and had had much more energy and she said, "Well I love you anyway!" which was really sweet. Having her stay here has been good although sometimes I miss not having my home to myself. On the other hand, even though we work together, we don't really see all that much of each other as she has her life too.
It's hard to feel sorry for myself in weather like this. I do have enough energy for the life that I live, and then some. lol I still really wish I had a horse and could go riding, especially on days like this. Today I was thinking about how, sometimes in my grief, I try to take on Dave's life and forget to be me. I have to try and figure out what things I like and enjoy but on the other hand, who I am today has been influenced by Dave and I am thankful for him and the brief time we were able to share together. Horse riding is something I have always enjoyed and is one of those things that we shared together.
Anyway, before I waffle on anymore, let me just remind you to life each day to the fullest. Don't let the past or the petty things, steal the beauty of today from you. Be thankful for the friends and family you have, give them a hug and tell them you love them!
On Saturday afternoon, I excitedly headed for Bunnings (similar to Lowes USA) under the guise of buying a plunger so I could unblock the kitchen sink. I strolled up and down the aisles, looking at garden tools, drills and whipper snippers (weed eaters). I looked at the wheelbarrows and even garden outdoor settings, including BBQs and an egg chair that was similar to mine but cost much more than mine did. I walked out of the store with the plunger, a garden fork (with an ergonomic grip), weed killer, BBQ cleaner and gardening gloves. I came home and unblocked the sink and did a little victory dance!
The next day I went to the show and got to watch bull riders with one of my friends, Vernessa. At the show, we could get a lot closer to the bull rings than at the rodeos in the US and it all seemed a bit too close at times when you can see the whites of the bull's eyes and watch them paw the ground before charging at one of the 'rodeo angels'. We listened to an Aussie bush band play, bought a show bag, sampled licorice and took a ride on the roller coaster. It was a good time.
Today, I was talking with my colleague about putting up tents as we are having a sleep over with our classes and she commented that we would need to put them up ourselves. I acted horrified and asked why we had to do it. I asked, "Don't you just bat your eyelids at your husband and get him to do it for you?" She replied, "I like to be able to do things for myself sometimes and not play the helpless female." I said I have no option but to do things by myself and it gets a bit 'old' at times. I want to be able to play the helpless female. (The conversation wasn't exactly like that but I'm sure you get the gist of it.) I recalled a time two years ago when my step daughter and I had gone camping and we weren't sure how to put up the shade. We sat there at the table in the sunshine with the shade beside us, until two guys camping nearby came and finished putting it up for us. (The photo was taken at the camping spot with Dianne.)
I came home from work and got online to pay the bills and check emails and fill out the voting form for the local elections. I feel a sense of achievement when I do mundane things like paying bills and unclogging sinks but I also feel a sense of loss.
The weather is warmer this week. I love summer and being able to be outdoors doing things like walking along the beach and riding my bike. On the other hand, it also reminds me that the end of the year is drawing near and with that, the uncertainty of what and where I will be next year is also nearer. One of the conversations in the staffroom today was centered around a young couple who have made plans and others responded that plans are never set in concrete and life can sometimes mess those plans up. I thought about the plans Dave and I had made and now plans feel like wheat that is held loosely in the hand. The wind comes and blows the wheat into the wind and it is no more.
Plans can be made but sometimes plans need to be remade when life changes. Just remember to enjoy each day and love the people who are in your life now. Don't keep a record of their wrongs, instead give them a hug and move forward with them while you still can. Whether he squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube or the middle, whether she can bake the best chocolate cake or not, in the end, is nothing compared to the love you can share and enjoy for as many moments as you have life.
Dave used to, half jokingly and half seriously, tell me I was a 'romantic' and what he meant by that was I had "happily ever after" dreams. I like happy endings. Even though from the beginning until the end, the journey is fraught with mishaps, uncertainty, dragons, and dark woods, there is still the happy ending. My favourite movies are full of music, turning around bad for good, drama, a touch of romance and in the end, there is the kiss that produces fireworks, understanding and the realisation that their love will endure no matter what obstacles life throws at them.
Years ago, I gave up dreaming and anticipating good things happening in my life. Although there were glimpses of happiness, good times shared and moments of fun and excitement, I got to a point that I would just let life happen. My attitude began to change and took a turn for the better especially after Dave and I got together. Our marriage was by no means a happily ever after, feel good, romantic life but as I rubbed his back a few hours before he passed away, I knew that he had found his place with me, was enjoying my love and that we would be able to get through whatever life threw at us, together.... Except, we didn't get a together ever after, I have had to do it on my own.
I have been back in Australia for one year and four days and I want to move forward with my life. I have one big problem in that, I don't have a "life" to get on with.
As I was coming over to Australia, the passenger next to me suggested I make goals for what I wanted to achieve, or have happen, in the next twelve months. My main goal has been to get back on my feet, rebuild what I could of what I had lost, re-establish who I am and start dreaming and making plans to fulfill those dreams.
I feel like a horse chafing at the bit wanting to get on with my life or like a horse being held back in the corral. I watch others doing what they want to do, being surrounded with their loved ones, being able to share their dreams and move forward with the assurance that even if their plans don't succeed, they will still have a home, still have someone who is a vital part of their life (be it child or spouse) and/or still have a place they belong, where they can give and receive and find shelter from the storms of life.
I have had three job interviews and for all of them, I was extremely close to being offered an on-going, full-time position. One person said if they had have had an extra position to offer, it would have been mine and another person urged me to apply again if they have any more positions come up. They were all impressed with my experience and who I am. One said they admired my voracity and love for life, even knowing it hasn't been easy for me.
As I travelled on a bus with my students to and from an excursion today, I thought about what I want in life and the likelihood of it happening... not any time soon.
I want a horse but can't get one until I know where I will be living.
I want a job but keep missing out.
I would like to live on some land but can I do that on my own?
I wouldn't mind making new friends and perhaps begin dating some great Christian guy but I can't do that until I know where I am living.
What will I do if I don't get a job? Is there a different job I could do and if so, what would that be? I could possibly travel but would I want to do that on my own and if so, where would I go? Plus, I would like to keep my savings so that I can use it to buy a horse, maybe buy a car that can transport my horse, buy a sadddle or even buy my own home one day.
Do dreams come true? I can't say that I have experienced a dream coming true forever. I am skeptical that any of my dreams can happen and yet I feel that my dreams aren't unreasonable. I look at friends and family living their lives and sometimes I feel envious because I have nothing and no one to move forward with. Some of them tell me that it isn't so bad for me or that it isn't as good as I think it is, but I have tasted some of those dreams and it was good! It was so good that I do know what I am missing out on. Some try to tell me that I need to be patient or have more faith, but a positive attitude doesn't pay the bills.
Having said that, I will keep moving forward with my plans because even though I am a realist and at times cynical about dreams coming true, hope drives me to pursue the life that I want to have. As I thought and prayed about this today, I wondered, "Why did God give me a taste of those dreams and then allow them to be cut short? Did God give me this desire to live on the land and the enjoyment of the outdoors? And if He did give me that desire, then why doesn't He give me the wisdom to know what decisions and choices I should make in order to be where He wants me to be? Why did He give me such a heartful of love, talents and abilities that suit who I am, if I am only to mark time in this life?"
I get so much enjoyment in this life! I love walking along the beach and in the bush and mountains. I love swimming in rivers, lakes or pools, playing squash and riding my bike. I like sitting in my hanging basket reading or playing a computer game while drinking my diet coke. I like trying new things, having fun, doing something different. I love being with friends and family. I love pretending that I am adventurous enough to try hang-gliding or parachuting!
I love my grade. I look at how far they have come this year and even though they can still be challenging, each child has so much personality and I am reminded of why I am so passionate about teaching. I love my job.
So wrap all this up into the person called, "Carolanne" and that is me. Please God, help me to have a life that is worth living, life in all its fulness and a life that I enjoy and that blesses others. I want to be who You created me to be, with all my interests, abilities and talents. I just want to get on with life.
