Looking... Again

This life is certainly a  journey for me, or more accurately, a rollercoaster.  I've filled out applications for jobs for next year as the job I am currently employed in finishes on December 14th, 2012.  I am really struggling with this and even motivation.  I know I have to do this because a job isn't going to fall into my lap but it feels like I am where I was at a year ago. Next week I have three job interviews and those are from the top of my preferences. 

I know, and loved ones have reminded me, I am further ahead than I was this time a year ago. I miss Dave very much and miss the life and dreams we could have shared together.  Sometimes it surprises me how much I still miss him.  On the other hand, I know I am stronger, have grown in confidence and I'm somewhat more content with who I am as a person.  I am at a point in my life that I want to move ahead and get on with living but once again, I am in the position of not having anything secure for the coming year. Wherever my job ends up being, I will need to move again which will mean I will need to make new friends, learn a new 'area' and find a new church home, among other things.  In other words, start from scratch all over again.

I wasn't made to be a nomad.  I would like to belong somewhere, put down roots, have  routine, some predictability and not have so much 'adventure' in my life.  A friend told me recently I should write my life story and sell it as fiction because no one would believe it.  On the other hand, if I don't get a job, perhaps I should backpack around Europe or England or Egypt.  I am thankful that I make friends easily, keep good friends forever and that technology allows me to stay in touch with loved ones regularly.

Recently a friend suggested that I needed to make plans and I replied I can't.  One, to make plans I need to have a job and know where I can settle and two, my heart doesn't know what I want.  There is nothing definite in my life right now so all I have is today. 

I reread my last blog post and these words struck a chord:

To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts. I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt. Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken? I'm not sure it is worth it.

Like I said at the start, my life is a rollercoaster.  When I write a blog post, you need to keep in mind it was how I was feeling at that moment and that by the time you read it, it's quite probable I have moved on and am enjoying an unexpected blessing, watching a wave roll in, listening to rain fall on the roof or walking through the Aussie bush listening to a kookaburra laugh.

One of my young colleagues has moved in with me until either of us know where we will be next year.  It will be good to have her company and not come home to an empty house for the next few months. Tonight we are watching "My Fair Lady" which is a musical that always makes me feel good and next Tuesday we are having a Tupperware party which should be fun too.  By then, I will have had two job interviews and hopefully, might be feeling quite positive about how they went and even if not, I will still have a good time with friends.

I was asked recently if I am looking forward to the interviews.  I am looking foward to knowing what, where and when I will be able to make plans for next year.  I do want to get on with my life and I do have some hopes and dreams.  I want to make things happen and I am thankful that everything works for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose.  I am thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me far more than I can even comprehend and He has plans that are good for my future and I can put my hope in that certainty, despite the rollercoaster of life and emotions.

On my way home from a great day out at the show yesterday, I thought, "Wouldn't it be loverly if I could live on a farm somewhere, milk a cow, shear a sheep.  Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" (Mixing my words with My Fair Lady) Can't you just imagine it?

Springtime Brings Hope

I went to bed last night and begrudgingly opened my devotions book and my eye caught the title of the day before's reading, which I hadn't done. I skimmed over today's and then read the one I really wanted to read.  This is what I read.

"Face the Truth and Find Freedom".

 If you want to continually live in new levels of victory, you must remain open and receptive to the truth about yourself. This is not just a superficial acknowledgement of wrong thinking and behaviour - it is an open and honest recognition of our sin before God that brings an attitude of repentance, which is a willingness to go in the right direction.
It can be painful, but facing the truth about your mindsets, motives and methods of doing things enables you to move beyond your despair and experience a wonderful fellowship with God.
The truth about yourself often brings great hurt, but the truth of God's Word brings great healing. As you continue in His Word, the truth will set you free."

I turned off the light, my heart burning and open to what I needed to hear.  I was not surprised by the truth because I had whispered it already but had tried to block it out in my desire to have what I wanted and to have security in this world.  What I wanted wasn't bad but my motives and means to go about it weren't as pure as I pretended.  The way I handled myself even in the 'break up' with a wonderful guy wasn't godly and I sought approval and justification from my friends. 

As I pondered on it, I realised that I had been putting my trust and security in a man rather than God.  I wanted security and sought it in something and/or someone other than Him.  I wanted to move forward and was willing to do what I could instead of trusting God to bring about what I needed in His time.  I had prayed about those things before but somewhere along the line started to put God aside and do it on my own.  As soon as I admitted it to myself, I asked for forgiveness and once again, knew the "peace that passes understanding."  It hurts and there's still a part of me that wants that relationship again but if that happens, it's going to be on a godly foundation. I will also pray for him as he faces challenges in his life and pray that he learns to trust in God at this difficult time, too.

I feel like I am back to being 'me' again and moving forward in the right direction.  At staff devotions this morning, one of the guys shared a song by Kutless called, "I Do Not Belong" and I smiled because this is especially pertinent to how I've been feeling for a long time.  
 

I look around and I feel like, things changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear.

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong 
 

By the end of today, with Spring in the air and the promise of hope, I decided I needed to celebrate and have friends and family over for a 'party' on Friday night.  It's short notice and when someone asked me what the party is for, I said, "Spring".  Spring has always been my favourite season and that's partly because my birthday is in Spring (October) but also because I love the hope that goes with it: The hope of new life, the hope of warmer weather and the hope of better days.  I looked for a picture to go with my invite and then took my phone outside, edited the photo and this is what I came up with:

 

The Rollercoaster of Life and Lift!

This week I've been thinking about the roller coaster I've been on and heard the song with the lyrics, "Life is a roller coaster, just gotta ride it" and although I love the thrill of rollercoasters at an amusement park, the rollercoaster of life is wearing me down and I'm tired of hurting.  In some ways I feel like I'm back to square one in all areas of my life without any certainty and still trying to figure out things on my own.  Things I thought were good have been taken from me and I keep asking "Why????"  Why can't I have something I want? Since I can't have Dave and my life in the States, why can't I just have something good here without feeling like I am swimming against the current and barely keeping my head above the water."

I went to church this morning and the words of songs reminded me,

"God you are giving
God you are healing.
God You are my hope
You are my everything". 

I sang those words over and over again, and in my head once the music had stopped.  God is healing me.  God is my hope.  God is my everything.  And there was another song that said, "I trust you Lord in everything" and I asked myself if that was really true. Do I trust Him in everything??

I listened to the sermon and the message was that it's about a personal encounter with Christ and "a long obedience in the same direction".  Never give up, stay focussed on God and aim for consistency. Keep turning up where God is.  Then the clincher, "We're not meant do it on our own" and my cynical reply was, "Then why am I expected to do it on my own?" I know there are people in my life who walk beside me but in the end, when night falls, they go home to their loved ones and I am left on my own, they get hugged every day by their family, they have someone to vent with and someone they trust and I eat alone and go to work, come home alone and go through it again.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week.  It started out with a misunderstanding/ miscommunication with a very close friend which is still not resolved and I still don't understand why it even happened, my horse has gone and I received a beautiful quilt from a friend overseas which is made with the clothes and jeans that Dave wore.  I try so hard but as I said to my friend Donna today, "I feel like I am back to square one.  I still don't have job security.  I still don't have my own home, I still don't have a partner and, depending on where I get a job, I could be starting all over again from scratch in a few months time.

As I drove from church to the beach, a song played on the radio called, "Lift" and I sure could relate to the lyrics:

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working

Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give it
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

But on the plus side today, I walked over a bridge to get to the beach on the other side and as I walked over it, I thought of how I used to have a phobia of bridges, until Dave 'walked' me over the swing bridge at Montana.  Obviously this bridge was much more secure and I was brave enough to walk close to the edge and even look down into the water!  The beach was real pretty on the other side so I'm glad I walked over the bridge.

To be honest, I'm hurting a whole lot mostly because I don't understand some things and also because it feels like I keep moving forward and then run into something that knocks me back and kicks me in the guts.  I wonder what the point of trying is, when all I do is get hurt.  Why start loving again, making myself vulnerable, enjoying life again, when I'm only going to get my heart broken?  I'm not sure it is worth it.

No Compromise On Moving Forward

Not long after Dave passed away, I had a heart to heart talk with my son and told him some of my dreams and some of the things I would not compromise on.  As life has gone on, I have found myself wanting to compromise if only to give me a reason to enjoy life and put down roots and not have to try so hard on my own.

Last weekend found me counting my losses again, hurting badly, dredging up the hurts of the past and wanting to give up.  There are times when I run forward but there are times when I turn around and want to run for the safety of the past even though it's not at all possible.  When I am looking back, I get discouraged and it doesn't matter what anyone says to me, I can't hear them and I don't want to hear them.  Fortunately for me, I have more very good friends than the average person does, which reminds I am valuable, well loved and above average.  It also means that I have persistent family and friends who will confront me gently with the truth, pray for me and who are more patient than I could have ever asked for.  They don't give up on me and I don't give up on them.

Recently I said to one of my friends who was telling me not to give up and telling me to take my time, be patient, move forward, "As much as you are very understanding, you don't really know how it is to have no ties, nothing and no one holding you here." She very generously agreed and said, "You're 100% right there, I have NO idea how it is to be you." but she also reminded me of how far I've come, what I have done in the past 12 months and how strong I really am.

When my friends tell me something, even though I might be defensive, I do  listen and when they are not around, I repeat their words to me, sift it, shake it and decide what I am going to do about it because they're usually right.

I had a good day with my students and in fact, I really enjoy them and even though they are challenging, they still say I am their favourite teacher even when I have to growl at them.  Even the boys draw pictures of me with a big smiley face and write me notes telling me I am fun, I am their favourite teacher and I am cool.  They walk beside me when we're walking to the library or the farm and I heard one girl say today, "And Mrs Flowers loves me!" as she went out to lunch.


Last weekend I realised I had to sell my horse Monty and today was the day he was going to his new home. We had him tied up in the corral and I patted and stroked him and he nuzzled me.  He kept pushing into me while I held him and kept putting his nose into my face.  There is nothing quite like the smell of a horse and the way a horse hugs you.  I stood on the side between him and the shed while the other people stood on the other side of the fence and couldn't see me.  It was a special time between Monty and me.  "Don't give up on your dream" advised Adrian as Monty was driven away to his new home. I assured him that I don't give up that easily when I've given my heart. I hadn't known him long but he was my horse and I am going to miss him.

What a day!  I started out in my work clothes to teach, changed into my jeans and boots to play with my horse and now I'm getting into my shorts, Tshirt and runners to go play squash with the guys tonight, which is always fun.

But the words of my friends and probably their prayers, means that I'm counting all the things I have to be thankful for. Despite all my losses over the past 12 months, I know I am alive and I have the hope and certainty that I have a lot to live for and a lot to give. I know I am much stronger and as I look back over the past, I can see how God has helped me get through every moment that has been hard.  I have the confidence that I can get on with my life and enjoy it.  I don't  have to wait for life to happen or for circumstances to be perfect.   I don't have to compromise or change who I am. I can get out there and do the things I enjoy and keep moving forward to attain my dreams.  If those dreams aren't attainable, that's OK, I'll just find some new dreams to aim for.

Still, the niggling thought in the back of my mind is: What am I going to do about a job for next year and where should I apply? lol

OK now off too squash and off to forget about work for a couple hours.