Yesterday, I sat down to have a meeting with one of the staff members and she brought up the subject of next year and I was reminded that the job I have at the moment, is only until the end of the year. She made some constructive suggestions as to what I need to do to continue/pursue employment with this school and also gave me some ideas for next term. It was encouraging..... and discouraging. It wasn't her fault it was discouraging... it was the reminder that I have to be proactive about my plans for next year and beyond. It was the reminder that I have to consider what I want to do, where I want to live and what my dreams are for living in this world.
On top of that, I was having a "Miss you so much, Dave" kind of day. I was sitting eating my lunch with my students, when one train of thought led to Dave and one of the memories we shared. It seemed that my mind kept skipping from the present, to my time with Dave and I so badly wanted to be with him. It is probable that some of that was precipitated by her question about my future. After all, thinking further ahead, wasn't something I had needed to do on my own a year ago. A year ago, my thoughts, plans and dreams were being shared with Dave and he and I were looking to a future together. Australia, teaching here, being on my own was not in the picture, at all.
That evening, I went out for dinner with 2 friends from school and later, I showed Rebecca the "Hamish and Andy Gap Year" DVD and pointed out to her where Dave and I stood and then turned, next to the combine harvester they used in the demolition derby and Hamish and Andy were nearby. As I talked to her later, I looked above her head to the photo collage I had made of Dave and I, soon after Dave had passed away. When I crawled into my warm bed (thanks to the electric blanket) my thoughts were of Dave and the fun we had shared together. My thoughts also turned to the present and future and I cried a little to think of having to make decisions about a future without Dave.
I got up much too early this morning to get to my hairdressing appointment. I have needed a cut and colour for ages and it's been driving me crazy but with so much happening lately, (i.e. report writing) I kept putting it off. I told her I wanted to go a shade darker which is closer to my normal hair colour and that I wanted it all chopped off to look tidy again and be manageable. That done, she asked me if I wanted it dried straight or curly. I told her I didn't care and she told me that in the big, wide world we have to make decisions so she wanted me to make a decision. I looked at her and said, "Widows are not supposed to make any major decisions in the first year after their spouse has passed away, so considering all the huge decisions I have made, I think I'm above my quota for now!" She agreed, laughed, took it back, dried my hair straight and also booked in my next hair appointment without asking me.
I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype and even Dan and Rhonda, a little bit. I miss them so much. It sometimes surprises me how much I love Dave's family and how much they love me. I am so blessed to have such wonderful in-laws and their love, encouragement and support helps to get me through some tough times, more than they could ever know. Sometimes when I am missing Dave or when I'm having a tough day, even if it's just dealing with day-to-day type stuff, it helps to think of them and to know that they're praying for me, that they know how much I love Dave and that they're only a skype call away.
Another thing I was thinking about was how losing a spouse is not something one can prepare for. Well, I know 'death' is tough but I have lost my mum, I have lost grandparents, lost relatives and friends and even a pet dog but nothing compares to losing Dave. Nothing compares to having start my life all over again, still very much in love and yet on my own with no way to fulfill our dreams and plans or even the days, with him.
I don't want to make decisions. I don't know what I want or even what I can expect my future to be. Life changes and dreams don't unfold the way we sometimes hope them to be. I don't want to make a decision that will change my life all over again. I just want to stay put. I ordered a poster recently which has this quote: "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." This part of my grief journey is tough. There's a part of me that wants to get on with life, move forward and be willing to take risks and there's a part of my heart screaming out to not put myself in a place where I have to become vulnerable again, where I might have to deal with change and loss all over again.
On the plus side of life, I have told Adrian that I really want to buy Monty. He's willing to help me get used to taking care of Monty and will give me some 'how to' lessons which I really appreciate. It helps that I have two weeks coming up that are student free in which to catch up on sleep, housework, friends, fun, school... and Monty! Dan has told me to watch "The Full Monty" so since he told me to, I will. I hope he and Rhonda don't figure out that if they tell me to do something, I probably will.
I went to church this morning and still find it difficult. I'm not sure why it's like that - perhaps I need to keep visiting other churches, perhaps it's just me. The sermon was good and so was the music. The sermon was from Jonah 1 and talked about what is in our secret hold. A great illustration she shared was that a tic was found in her body and she asked how to get it out. The chemist told her that tics burrow clockwise, like a screw, and they need to be pulled out anti-clockwise. She said how sometimes secret things e.g. pride and worry, burrow in as the clock ticks around but they still need to be pulled out.
The last few days I've been doing some thinking and sorting out in this ol' mind of mine. I've been thinking about mountain tops and struggles as I prepare for staff devotions next week and I remembered a quote from "The Noticer" about how we have to come down off the mountain, go through the valley.. that we slog through.. learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak. I printed out the quote and will laminate it to stick it next to my desk in my classroom but the following words really spoke to my heart:
"So my contention is that you are right where you are supposed to be... Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon, you will become."
I am right where I am supposed to be. I may not like the way I got here but I am where I am supposed to be. I do think, learn and pray but my attitude has been that I am in a holding place and I'm grieving so I don't want to make myself vulnerable and plan and dream. Yet, that is what I should do. Plan. Dream.
Next Tuesday - only 2 days away - marks the day that would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. I have talked about it a lot so that it's become less secret and I know people are praying for me. I have even told my students who can be quite sensitive. I've done some thinking about them too. My beautiful mom (in law) said to me that she is thankful that my students have me for their teacher and I am thankful that she believes in me. On Friday though, my students didn't have a good day and when they had a couple specialist subjects, they misbehaved, badly and they were very remorseful at the end of the day when it was time to go home. One girl said, "It's not the teacher's fault, it's ours" and they all agreed. I did tell them that they need to take responsibility for their own behaviour and that they shouldn't blame others. We had a time of praying together and at one time when I opened my eyes, a saw a boy with his arm on another boy's shoulder as he prayed for him and for the others who were so upset.
Much of my time this year, I have focussed on trying to change their behaviour in order to be able to teach them and sometimes I have missed seeing the heart of these children. What I have been doing is not bad but they really need to be given a lot of love with firm boundaries. On Tuesday, we're going to put aside the books and worksheets for some of the time, while we have fun with together. They are going to write encouragement notes for each other and put them inside a goody bag I have made for them and I will get them to make cards for the other teachers they have. We will talk about the good things they have to be thankful for and talk about their worries and concerns and we will play some educational games as well. I will probably take my guitar in so we can sing, too. It sounds good and I hope it will be but I do know that some children can get too impulsive and react in an inappropriate way during unstructured activities so I will need to keep an eye on that as well. Being my wedding anniversary, I think it will be helpful for my students and for me.
It's winter time here and although the sun was shining when I left church this morning, it is now cold and has rained. My toes are cold inside my socks and slippers and I am sitting directly in front of the heater. I want to go and play/groom horses this afternoon so I hope it clears up soon.
Which brings me to some more exciting news! After the weekend of looking at horses, I was feeling a bit discouraged because I realised that I probably don't have the time to commit to owning a horse yet. While I'm saving up to buy a western saddle, which are not very common here in Australia, I also want to go away and visit friends, too. I figured out that what I really want is to be able to go play/groom a horse and ride it but that it might have to wait for a while. (This photo was taken when I first met Stormy and Dee.)
A friend on the staff at school, suggested I call her husband as he has a few horses and he might be able to help me. When I called him, I told him a condensed version of why I wanted a horse and what I can be committed to and he told me he had two thoroughbreds for sale but that I could come out, look them over, groom them, ride them later when I'm ready and that he would also give me some tips as well before I commit to buying them. He keeps his horses on a farm about 10 minutes drive from my home. I was so excited. I then commented that I didn't have a saddle yet and he said, "That's OK, I have a few saddles. I have western saddles". That clinched it for me. I hadn't even mentioned that I wanted a western saddle so when he said that, I realised just how much God loves me and looks after me, even down to the smallest detail!
The two thoroughbreds are about 13 years old and one is 17 hands, as Stormy is and the other is about Dee's size. Choose between them? In my heart, I know that I want to own more than one horse and if the price is right and if I can find a place to keep them, and if I fall in love with both of them, it's just possible that I will buy both. (Like I did last time.) In the meantime, it's also report writing time so I need to get stuck into that too. A couple years ago when I was heading for the States I said to Dave, "Yay! The one thing I won't miss about teaching, is writing reports!!" He laughed and now here I am again, procrastinating from report writing. Some things never change.
Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon, you will become.
As I have to speak next Thursday for staff devotions, I thought I would share this video clip. I was on the roster to speak on Tuesday, 12th June 2012 but I was allowed to swap it since that would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary. This song is my 2nd favourite at the moment but it does remind me, that no matter what I go through, God is faithful and He is there beside me the whole time!
I will not be overcome!
My mum used to have a book called, "Where Does A Mother Go To Resign" and to be honest, more than a few times have I wondered, "Where does a widow go to resign?" The world moves on and I move forward in autopilot. I feel crowded on every side, not being able to see past this moment, yet vaguely hoping that there will come a time when I'm not merely going through the motions but will really enjoy life. Vainly I keep waiting for Dave to come home to me, knowing that he won't but still wishing he would. I remember our brief marriage together and remember the conversation we had about our age difference when I said, "If we only have 6 years together, it will be worth it." Neither of us expected our marriage, Dave's life, to end so abruptly and so soon. It hurts bad!
I clutch at straws trying to find something that will awaken in me, a purpose for my life. Last week I looked at 2 horses for sale. My thoughts are that if I have my own horse, it will be as though I have brought something of my life with Dave, into my present life now. Practically speaking, having a horse that I have to agist, commit myself to and yet not knowing what tomorrow will bring overwhelms and discourages me. I want to ride but does it fit in to my life as it is right now? Ideally, it would be great if I had a friend who lived nearby and who owned a horse I could just ride and groom but none of my friends do.
My class is challenging as one could expect with two-thirds of the class being 8 and 9 year old boys. Finding a way to engage them in learning, a way to help them focus in a classroom when they'd rather be outside stamping in puddles or playing football, is no mean feat. While I try to cater for them, I can not forget the other third of the class who would be quite happy spending a few hours chatting socially, or like to read when all else is mayhem around them, and some have taken an interest in horses, too. I scour books, websites and memories, trying to discover the key to helping each individual student realise just how talented they are and how important it is to focus on their learning so that they can grow up with the ability to use their gifts and skills profitably.
In the meantime, it's been 10 months and 2 days since Dave passed away and our wedding anniversary is in 8 days time. I don't know how to face that day. It's not like celebrating his life on his birthday - this is more personal. I am thankful for the 13 months and 3 weeks of our marriage but it wasn't long enough. It would be pitiful to go out and buy jewelry just because Dave had promised that one day, when we could afford it, he would buy me jewelry. If I had friends over, what do we do? Look at wedding photos? I can't have a romantic dinner.
That is part of the reason I was hoping to have a horse by now. I thought that going riding would be a good way to remember our marriage. I have to work that day anyway. And that brings up another question. What frame of mind will I be in, when I teach that day? Should I take a 'personal day'? And yet, I might be fine and the distraction might be good. I know that God will give me the strength to get through that day.
Some mornings I wake up with tears still on my cheeks. Some nights I am still crying when I fall asleep. Some days I make my mind think about something totally boring to keep the tears away. I thought by now, I would be past this point in grief but instead, the last two weeks have been harder, probably because of Memorial weekend and because our wedding anniversary date looms closer. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being strong and I am tired of trying to move forward when all I want is to 'stop the world, so I can get off.' I try to be positive but there are days I just want to be given permission to shout, "This is not fair!"
I want someone to come alongside me and just allow me to cry and be weak. Someone who wouldn't feel uncomfortable by my tears and who wouldn't ask me to be strong and get over it. Someone who cares enough to be silent, make me hot chocolate, pour me a diet coke or plays a board game with me. I want someone to know and care if I'm having a bad day and yet, everyone else is moving forward with their lives, their family, their spouses, children and friends.
Life goes on. I know I have friends and family who love me and who care but I am still alone at home and still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and start all over again: in my work, my friendships, my home, my possessions, my leisuretime activities and my finances etc. I haven't found a church yet where I have felt I belong. It's hard to put down roots when I don't know if this is where I will be in another year's time, or even two or three year's time. I've always tried to make wherever I live, my home but right now, having been torn out of the life I shared with Dave, I don't want to be so vulnerable again. To be honest, I don't know what I want and making any decisions is all too hard for me.
I don't have a choice about some things. I will keep moving forward, swept along by life, going through the motions, trying to be positive and be strong so that, maybe one day, I'll wake up and know that I am going to live life rather than just drift along in my grief, in this life.
On top of that, I was having a "Miss you so much, Dave" kind of day. I was sitting eating my lunch with my students, when one train of thought led to Dave and one of the memories we shared. It seemed that my mind kept skipping from the present, to my time with Dave and I so badly wanted to be with him. It is probable that some of that was precipitated by her question about my future. After all, thinking further ahead, wasn't something I had needed to do on my own a year ago. A year ago, my thoughts, plans and dreams were being shared with Dave and he and I were looking to a future together. Australia, teaching here, being on my own was not in the picture, at all.
I got up much too early this morning to get to my hairdressing appointment. I have needed a cut and colour for ages and it's been driving me crazy but with so much happening lately, (i.e. report writing) I kept putting it off. I told her I wanted to go a shade darker which is closer to my normal hair colour and that I wanted it all chopped off to look tidy again and be manageable. That done, she asked me if I wanted it dried straight or curly. I told her I didn't care and she told me that in the big, wide world we have to make decisions so she wanted me to make a decision. I looked at her and said, "Widows are not supposed to make any major decisions in the first year after their spouse has passed away, so considering all the huge decisions I have made, I think I'm above my quota for now!" She agreed, laughed, took it back, dried my hair straight and also booked in my next hair appointment without asking me.
On the plus side of life, I have told Adrian that I really want to buy Monty. He's willing to help me get used to taking care of Monty and will give me some 'how to' lessons which I really appreciate. It helps that I have two weeks coming up that are student free in which to catch up on sleep, housework, friends, fun, school... and Monty! Dan has told me to watch "The Full Monty" so since he told me to, I will. I hope he and Rhonda don't figure out that if they tell me to do something, I probably will.
