Time

I still count the days since Dave passed away.  It surprises me the depth of my love for him and how it doesn't take much to make me cry more tears for missing him.  As I plod through life without his presence, I'm aware of how much I had made him part of me and how I loved being in the strength of who he was, looking forward to what we could share together.  There's a song that Laura Story sings that has the last line, "Please come home." and everytime I hear it, I cry and even now as I write that, the tears well up in my eyes.  (Now I understand that expression - tears well up).  I want Dave to come home.  I know that is unrealistic because he is already "Home" but I miss him so much.

Memorial weekend has just passed in the US and it made me mindful of Dave and how he served in the 101st Airborne Screaming Eagles during the time of the Vietnam war.  It also made me remember Dave's burial and how the Honor Guard and Patriot Guard Riders thanked me for Dave's service to his country.  I was presented with an American flag and with a medallion.  I still remember how humbled I felt and yet proud, of yet another part of Dave's story and contribution to life.

As June 2nd approaches, it will be 10 months exactly since Dave passed away.

As June 12th approaches, I remember our first anniversary, our 'redneck' weekend at a combine harvester's demolition derby.  June 12th 2012 would have marked our 2nd anniversary together.  We didn't even get 2 years of married life together!!! It's hard to believe that two years ago, I was in the States beginning the rest of my life with Dave and yet, here I am, already back in Australia after our life had barely begun together.

August 2nd is the 1st anniversary of Dave's death. It is also the day we have parent-teacher interviews.  I can not imagine how I will be feeling that day and how I will deal with interviews.  God give me strength!

September 23rd will be the day that I have been a widow for the same length of time that I was married to Dave.  

October 8th is my birthday.

October 14th will mark the anniversary of the day that I arrived back in Australia after Dave passed away.

You might look at some of those dates and wonder why I have them in the back of my mind. That's just who I am.  I am especially thinking of Dave as our wedding anniversary date draws near.  I hope I am not asked to do staff devotions that day.  If I am, I will ask to change to a different date, for sure.  

I am surprised at how much hurt and pain I still continue to feel.  There are days when I do much better but always, in the back of my mind, is Dave. 

I Still Have Hope

Last week a friend was telling me that when she had a bad day, she would go online shopping because "brown paper packages tied up with string" was one of her favourite things.  She loved getting packages in the mail and I must admit that I do too.  I love buying something that will give me more ideas for teaching and encouraging my students, buying a good music book, CD or a fiction story to read.  I look forward to receiving that package and if I've sent it to school, the office staff will see me daily saying, "Has my book from Blake arrived yet?" and they're happy when it finally comes too.  Sometimes I am disappointed that I got rid of so many of my teaching resources when I went to the States but it is good buying new things that are appropriate for where I'm at now.  I also get to visit other teachers and check out their ideas and resources which helps to remind me of things I used to do in my classroom.

On Sunday I got to skype with my brother-in-law Dan and his wife Rhonda, and he opened up the birthday present I had sent him. It was fun to watch him open it and read the inscription in a book, play with the wind-up toy crocodile (actually Rhonda played with it) and then open up the puzzle.  I love giving even more than receiving!

On Monday after a typically challenging day, I went home and opened up a package from a Christian bookstore that had posters, CDs and a book in it.  I had ordered the goods last week so I was excited about it being delivered already.  I took out the "mauve mug with Hope written on it" which was the description at the website and looked at it closely.  Hope seems to be a theme for this year and certainly on this day, I needed a good dose of hope.  Inside the rim of the mug it said, "My hope is in the Lord all day long." I chuckled to myself and repeated the words to my heart.  The posters were great and I looked forward to putting them up in my classroom.

Today my students had to "perform" at Chapel and the verse they were sharing was "Luke 17:3  So, watch yourselves.  If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them;  and if they repent, forgive them."  We turned it into a kind of rhythm/chant with one half of the class echoing what the other half said.  I then narrated the story of Jacob and Esau while the students acted it out.  They did a good job and I was very proud of them.  One of the teacher's has asked me to send a student to her grade one class so that they can learn the verse the way we recited it.  We went to the computer lab and after they had googled, "Australian Endangered Animals" I showed them a youtube clip with that topic which they enjoyed. 

It was a good day and after stopping at the bakery for tomorrow's lunch, I drove home.  On the doorstep was another poster that had been on backorder from Koorong bookstore and in the letterbox was a small package.  I pulled the package out and looked at the sender.  What a pleasant surprise Janice had sent me!  In the package was a DVD of a play the students at Southside Christian school in Spokane had performed called, "A Hat for Ivan".  The story was based on the book by Max Lucado.  Janice and Tami had bought it for me knowing that I would enjoy it.  I cried almost the whole way through it as it brought back wonderful memories of teaching at Southside and as I recognised those kids sharing a special message that we all need to remember.  At the end of the DVD, I wanted to just wrap my arms around all the staff and students at that school and give them a big hug!!!! 

I am so privileged to have been a part of their school family in 2010 and 2011.  I am so blessed that I have thoughtful people in my life who will send me gifts for no other reason than because they love me and think I am worth the 'special treat'.  One of our good friends, George, sent me an email entitled, "You Still Have Hope" and it said:

You Still Have Hope

If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope.
If you can find beauty in the colors of a small flower, then you still have hope.
If you can find pleasure in the movement of a butterfly, then you still have hope.

If the smile of a child can still warm your heart, then you still have hope.
If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope.
If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep, then you still have hope.
If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and stare in wonder, then you still have hope.
If the soft fur of a favored pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips, then you still have hope.

If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope.
If you give people the benefit of a doubt, then you still have hope.
If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life, then you still have hope.
If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise, then you still have hope.

If the suffering of others still fills your with pain and frustration, then you still have hope.
If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end, then you still have hope.
If you look forward to a time or place of quiet and reflection, then you still have hope.
If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the supper, then you still have hope.

If you can look to the past and smile, then you still have hope.
If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile,you can still look up and end the conversation with the phrase..."yeah...BUT.," then you still have hope.

Hope is such a marvelous thing.
It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break.
It sustains us when nothing else can.
It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead, when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.
Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.
Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.
Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.

Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return.
And it can be found in each of us,
and it can bring light into the darkest of places.
NEVER LOSE HOPE!

I was only going to use a part of that email but all of the words are great.  I am thankful that I still have hope.  Thank you to all those people who pray for me and who believe in me.  Thanks for your encouragement.  Because of your love and encouragement, I know what it is to have hope.  Even though I miss Dave so much, even though my grief seems to make my  heart break over and over again, even when I wear one of his shirts, or dream of him being alive again, I still have hope.

Hope Along The Garden Trail

I decided to check out Ebay today as I saw a pretty lamp in a store that I was tempted to buy but then thought I'd look around a bit more, in case there was another one that I would prefer.  I went to Ebay and typed in the search bar "western saddles", not lamps.  I browsed saddles for a while, went back to lamps and now I'm thinking of looking at horses for sale and agistment possibilities, in this area. 

I read on Facebook, "The passion for riding is something that is hard to describe.  It's something you need, almost like air or water. There's a special moment.  You have a ride one day on a horse, that's just magical.  Where it's just you and the horse and you feel the motion and the power of the gallop.  All of your senses attack, everything fires.  You feel like you just conquered the world.  (Gina Miles)

"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being.  If you never love a horse... you will never understand."

Every now and again I remind myself of my hope to own a horse one day, but at the same time, I am not in a hurry to get a horse.  I want to know for sure, that I can take the time and effort that is required for looking after a horse.  I want to have a horse when I know for sure, where my home is.  I love being here.  I love the job I have and I love the people I work with and the children I teach.  It's not perfect but for now, I know that I am in the right place. 

Sometimes as pieces of the puzzle fall into place, I am aware of pieces that are missing in my life and also aware that some of those pieces will not ever be put back into the place I had reserved.. for him, in my heart, always.  It's a cold, Saturday night and my mind keeps going back to cold Saturday nights, sitting with Dave, watching TV and snuggling together.  As I 'complete' another challenging week, I wish I could share it with him.  I talked to Dave's brother/best friend earlier today, I talked to Dave's daughter, Dianne and to Dave's mom as well.  Talking to them, reminds me of the beautiful family I married into and how much I miss them all as they go on with their lives on the other side of the world.

But to be honest, I don't know what I want and what I do want, I want now.  Surprisingly though, I can't play my guitar, use my sewing machine and walk on the cross trainer, all at the same time.  I am pleased that I seem to be wanting to sing again and I'll sing in the car, around the house, and sometimes, in the classroom, I'll turn my words into a song such as: "Put your chairs down and sit on the floor, sit on the floor, sit on the floor.  Put your chairs down and sit on the floor.. It's Monday morning."

Today, a lady was inviting me to her church and it sounded good and I've been visiting different churches but even yet, I can't make up my mind about what I want and where I want to be.  Perhaps it's all just part of walking along the trail that I've been given.  I want to make plans but I don't know if I can.  And if I can, will those dreams be taken away from me again, in a year's time?  I don't want to give and invest in something, just so it can be snatched away from me. 

On the other hand, I am giving and investing and wanting to live again.  I've just finished reading the book "The Traveller's Gift" by Andy Andrews which outlines seven decisions for overcoming life's challenges and obstacles and for moving forward in life.  Number 4 is summarised as "I have a decided heart.  My destiny is assured."  Number 5 is, "Today I choose to be happy.  I am the possessor of a grateful heart." and  Number 7 is "I will persist without exception.  I will find a way where there is no way.  I am a person of great faith."  For each of the 7 decisions, an example is shared using the life of a person in history.  Each decision was good to read but something that stood out to me was that we have a choice and every decision we make has further reaching consequences, affecting others' even more than we might know.  I also liked this quote from the book, "Until you have accomplished what you were put on this earth to do, you will not -- you cannot -- be harmed!"

I am also trying to apply number 5 to my life which used the example of Anne Frank, the young jewish girl who, in the midst of her very trying circumstances, chose to be happy.  Every morning she would wake up and laugh and set the right tone for the day.  As I talk to people and learn their stories, I realise that others go through trying times and get hurt along the way.  I am not the only one who has lost and although I have lost greatly, to dwell on my loss means I don't see as clearly, the blessings that I can take hold of today.  So, even when my students are challenging or when I worry about what the future holds, or whether or not I will ever ride a horse of my own, I need to choose to be thankful at this moment, forgiving myself and others, and make decisions that are sound and beneficial, not only for me, but those around me.  There are a lot of people in my life and I want them to be encouraged and see, by my example, there is hope even in the darkest of times. 

Mother's Day 2012

On Mother's Day 2011, I mentioned to Dave that this would be my first Mother's Day without spending it with Nathan.  After church he showed kindness and decided we would have breakfast at Frank's Diner, which is a diner in a train carriage in Spokane.  We enjoyed going there but on this day, it was so full, we decided to go to The Iron Grill (I think it's called) which was another favourite place of ours to have breakfast.  It was packed in there too, but we were hungry and we managed to get a table without having to wait first.  Huge chocolate coated strawberries were given to all the mothers there and we had a great time together, also indulging in one of our favourite pastimes of making up stories about the people around us.  We didn't know that would be the only Mother's Day we would get to celebrate together.

As mentioned in the previous blog post, I decided for this Mother's Day, Nathan and I would go for a beach/bush horse ride that lasts two and a half hours.  It rained all night and even in the morning, it poured down and we wondered whether the ride would be called off.  The sun would come out and I'd say to Nathan, "See! It will be all right.  The rain has gone away." and he'd remark back that he felt I was trying to be too positive.  We stopped at a little beach side town market which was particularly unremarkable and then headed out to The Blazing Saddles place.  We signed the disclaimer amid signs "Horse riding is a high-risk activity" and undettered, we found helmets that fit and zipped up our rain jackets. 

Out of the five visiting riders, I was the only one with some experience and Nathan was the next 'experienced' but the horses are well trained and it was mostly walking, although the two leaders did get the others riding up to a trot.  At one point, the main leader told me to keep my horse back so they could trot for a distance and when they got to a certain point, I was allowed to canter to catch up to them with the other leader.  That was quite fun and there were other times when I had to go faster than a walk to catch up again, as I was talking to the leader behind me who was from Ireland and chatting about all her horse experience. (In the photo, you can just see the ocean on the left hand side between the trees.)
It rained and when we were in the bush, it was muddy and somewhat slippery.  The sun came out and when our jeans were a little drier, it would pour down again.  If I had have taken my jeans off, I could have wrung out half a bucket of water. (Maybe).  When we got down to the beach, it was windy even though the sun was out and a couple of the horses started misbehaving so the leader decided we needed to head back.  The whole ride still took 2 1/2 hours and both Nathan and I were glad to get off the horses when we got back.  My legs are a little sore but not too uncomfortably.  Even though the weather wasn't perfect, we enjoyed our little adventure.

On the way home, we stopped at a general store and I picked up a horse deals magazine which Nathan flicked through, too.  I did feel a bit overwhelmed about buying my own horse.  I would love to have my own horse but I know that I am inexperienced even though I looked after our horses at home in Reardan.  Even though I had to do it on my own, give them hay, make sure they had water, groom them etc., there was always Dianne or Dave, or even Nick to call, if I needed to.  It is true that part of the reason I want my own horse is because it represents part of my life with Dave.

The thing is, I want to get on with my life without Dave (since I have to) but at the same time I want to hold on to the life I had with him.  There's a part of me that's eager to move forward and live life but there's also a part of me that yearns to be back with Dave, holding on to him, living life with him and I don't want to let go.  Just like we have to walk before we run, I have to go through this grieving process before I can really 'live' again.  How long is a piece of string = How long does the grieving process last?

On Facebook I read news of what's happening with my (Dave's) family over in the US and I feel so far away.  I am having to go through this grieving period without the physical closeness of my family and friends who are also grieving the loss and life of Dave.  They can rally around each other, share meals, celebrate other milestones together and I am here.  So feeling overwhelmed, I went to turn on the electric blanket on my bed earlier this evening and I noticed a little medal/coin type thing that I had bought when I first came back to Australia.  I picked it up off the floor and read, "One day at a time" and I sighed because I  know I can only do this one day at a time and I can't skip through to the 'end' without doing it one day at a time.  On the other side of the coin it says, "This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

One day at a time, I will walk this garden trail of grief and each step will be made with the Lord holding my hand and guiding me through the muddy trails that cause me to slip and slide, the low-hanging branches that obstruct my view ahead and that I have to duck under so that I don't get poked in the eye by a stick, the steep climb and the occasional bursts of sunshine that provide warmth and a break from the rain that seeps through my clothing and makes me feel cold and very wet.  No matter what the trail, if I look ahead, I can see beautiful views of waves crashing, blue/green oceans and perhaps even a rainbow that spans the sky and reminds me that God makes and keeps His promises.  One day at a time, I will walk through this garden trail of grief.

My Heart

The sun is shining and I've already done two  loads of washing and mowed the front and back yard.  The lawns look much better mowed and it's been about a month or so since I last mowed them.  In that last month, there's been rain, sunshine, wind, cold  and warmth and today is no exception.  I took the washing off the line when the sky looked dark and threatening and as soon as I had  unpegged the last piece of clothing, the sun came out shining.  At least I am ahead in my day and Nathan will be here in a couple of hours.

This week, desite the usual challenges, I've been reminded me of how loved I am and how blessed I am with great friends and family who believe in me.  They reassure me of their love and support with words, emails and surprise visits and I know that I am prayed for. Yesterday, at the start of lunchtime, the office called to check I was in my classroom and shortly thereafter, a familiar face popped into the door.  A friend who lives in Western Australia, who I have not seen for quite some years, was vising and she had brought me a bottle of diet coke and a brownie!!  We only had lunchtime together but I am so thankful that she took time out of her busy life to gift me with her presence.  Western Australia is on the other side of Australia to where I live so she had come along way!

Not only do my friends and family show and tell me they love me, but God also works in my life to remind me that I have a purpose for my life and that He never, never leaves me nor lets go of me.  Last night I had some friends from work come over for a visit and pizza and a couple of them shared their personal journeys.  Wow!  I work with amazing people who have been through some really tough times, some are still dealing with pain and heartbreak and yet God holds them in His hand and pours His love and strength into their lives.  I know it sounds cliched, but if you had heard the stories I've heard over the past week, you would be saying the same thing, as you wiped tears from your eyes.

As I shared part of my journey, I told them how  on the day I left home last October, I sat in my car for at least 5 minutes while the tears poured down and the sobs broke forth from my heart.  As I drove towards Mom and Dad's home, I talked with Dan and Rhonda on the phone and broken, I cried, "God should have taken me, not Dave.  Dave had so much to live for.  This was his home, his family.. He had a job, friends and loved ones.  He had so much to live for.  It was his life he had brought me into and now he's gone, I'm leaving and I have nothing.  I don't have a home or a job and I'm leaving my family and friends and moving to the other side of the world to begin all over again."  Many times during January this year, I knew that if anything happened to me, it would be a while before anyone would find out.  I didn't have any accountability and if I drove to the ends of the earth, I felt like no one would really know and although they might miss me, it wouldn't change/affect their lives. I knew that my thinking was propelled by my grief and that it had little foundation in reality so I hung on.  I am going to add though, there were a few very close friends/family who made a huge effort to call, email, chat and would check up on me and reassure me during that time.  They know who they are. 

Anyway, last weekend, I went to spend some time with Donna and as I drove to her place, I did some reflecting, praying and thinking about what was and what is.  One of the dreams I had shared with Dave is that I wanted to open our home up to younger women who might need someone to watch their kids for them, or someone to listen to them and be there for them.  I realised that dream is actually unfolding in my life right now.  I thought it would happen over there but suddenly I wasn't there anymore but here and so although I moved across to the other side of the world, God opened the way for that dream to still happen.  As I said earlier in this blog post, last night I had a group of "younger" women come to my home and we sat around, relaxed, shared, joked and had a good time together. 

I've been reading some books by Andy Andrews, who is an American author/speaker/comedian.  I first heard him speak at the Women of Faith conference in Spokane in September last year.  The book I am reading at the moment is, "The Traveler's Gift".  I read this last night:

"Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart.  When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution.  The undecided heart searches for an escape..... A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right.  Why? Because conditions are never exactly right.  Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in  your life.  He has put the vision in you - proceed! To wait, to wonder, to doubt, to be indecisive is to disobey God.

... All my problems become smaller when I confront them... I will not wait.  I am passionate about my vision for the future.  My course has been charted.  My destiny is assured.
I have a decided heart."

There was obviously a lot more even in that chapter but at least it gives you a gist of what that chapter is about.  I want to have a committed heart and a heart that follows after the Lord.

Last weekend I went to Horseland with my friend Donna and bought a lead rope and a "shedding blade" for the day when I will have my own horse.  To celebrate Mother's Day, Nathan and I are going with "Blazing Saddles" for a two and half hour ride along the beach and in the bush.  I am very excited about this.  Riding might have one of two affects on me:

1. Increase my desire to have my own horse.
2. Remind me of how much work it entails to own a horse.

Or maybe it will be both, but with a 'committed heart', I will search for a solution to getting a horse of my own.  When I arrived home from a particularly challenging day of work the other day, I couldn't help but think how good it would be, to go for a ride and even today, despite it being so windy, I keep wishing I could go for a ride!  It would even be better if I could go for a ride with Dave and then sit by his side in the living room, with his arm around me and watch TV together.

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

On Friday, I attended an in-school PD. (Professional Development)  The question we were to ask of ourselves was, "Who am I? and Why am I here?"  They were two very good questions that I struggled to answer and yet, I do know the answer to, deep down... Mostly.  Although, I still shirk at part of the answer.  At lunchtime that day, a friend from years back, asked me "What were some of the dreams you and Dave had for your future?".....

I sat down to write this blog post intending to share with you how life is unfolding for me on this garden trail.  It was going to be positive and full of hope as I shared blessings and confirmation that God is still working in my life. I was going to share a couple of the dreams he and I had together and talk about the fun I've had with a few friends recently. 

My class seems to be settling in to a good routine and showing signs of being a team/family and even though it can be challenging at times, it is important to remember my students are children and they are learning and growing and just like me, just like you, they aren't going to get it right 24/7.  In the meantime, as I reminded them this morning, my job is not just to teach them academics but also to help them grow and learn to be adults who love God and who have good character.  As I discussed with another teacher, they all have things to deal with that we aren't always aware of and my job is to love them so they will know that I believe in them and that they are 'safe' to grow and learn in this classroom environment. 

People have commented that I am settling in well and I know that I often feel a part of the community I am involved with.  I know that people want me to be settled and want me to be able to get on with my life but as I sat down to write this post and even thinking about the dreams Dave and I shared, I missed him.  My life is unfolding in a way that I had not expected and even though it is still possible for me to do some of those things without Dave, it wasn't ever my intention to do it without him.  It wasn't even in my thinking, that I would be in Australia and yet, here I am. 

I am thankful for the many blessings in my life and I am glad that I am beginning to rediscover who I am and why I am here but there is nothing that fills the void that Dave's passing away caused.  As the wind blows and the night draws on, I have lost my good intentions to clean, work and prepare and all I want to do is go to bed, pull the covers up and think about Dave.  I want to remember the good times we shared, the plans we had, dream about how life might have turned out if he was still alive and ignore reality for a few hours.  There is hope but it is bittersweet because Dave isn't here to share in these blessings with me. 

Reality, The Best, The Valley, The Peak and Perspective.

These past couple of weeks I've been watching a bit of "reality" TV such as "The Voice" and "The Block".  As I watched "The Voice" and the ads around it, I began thinking about how these types of shows don't just encourage people to be their best, but encourages them to be the best and be better than the rest.  Although it is good to be the best you can be, I'm beginning to think more on the "Be THE best" philosophy.  As a teacher, do I want my students to be better than the rest, to be the best?  It sounds almost noble to encourage them like this but when we do, what about the students who are doing their best and yet struggle to keep up academically?  I think we need to encourage each student to be the best they can be.

Dave and I both like playing games online and even board games.  It was best if we partnered each other rather than played against each other and we made a formidable team.  In word games and games that required quick thinking, I was the 'better' of the two of us but in games that required patience and strategy, Dave was willing to take the extra time.  He liked to play Facebook games under my name and be the 'best' for the week.  In word games that required quick typing and got faster and harder as the game went on, he would relinquish the chair to me and stand beside me encouraging me to continue and ultimately 'win'.  He wanted to win at all costs and while I like to win and like a good game, I hate the pressure I feel to be the 'best'.  I want to be the best and when I am not, then I feel like a failure... sometimes.  I don't want my students to feel like they're a failure just because they're not the best.  There is always going to be someone who is better at something that we are good at.

The weather has turned cold and wet.  With all my good intentions to play squash, when I got home, I completely forgot about it and had planned my evening of replying to emails, washing dishes and doing school work.  When I finally remembered, I consoled myself with the knowledge that it's only a 'hit' and not a competition and this way, I can get to bed earlier with a good book.  I am reading a book called "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews. 

At the start of the book Andy Andrews talks about a tough period in his life and mentions the help of a man called Jones who talks about "noticing" things that others don't.  He says, "It's all about perspective."  Very early on in the book, I read this:

".. Everyone wants to be on the mountaintop, but if you'll remember mountaintops are rocky and cold.  There is no growth on top of a mountain. Sure the view is great, but what is a view for?  A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination - our next target.  But to hit that target, we must come down off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope.  It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak.  So my contention is that you are right where you are supposed to be...... Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream.  For soon, you will become."

It's hard for me to truly accept that I am right where I am supposed to be even though I know I am.  Perhaps it's not  that it's hard to accept, just hard to continue slogging my way, climbing uphill, moving forward towards that elusive mountaintop view.  When my parents used to take us to the Grampians for holidays, as we climbed up, we'd forever be asking, "How much further?"  Even when I went with Nathan back at the end of January, I found myself asking people coming back down, "How much further?"  I wanted to know so that I could pace myself, so that I would know how hard it was going to be.  So now, I keep asking the same question.  "How much further is this valley of grief?  How much longer will it take before I get to relax and enjoy the view again?"  There are no signs telling me how much further, what way the trail will be, how much steeper and no one's able to tell me how much longer it will take. 

As I climbed the mountain in January, it was hard work and painful and even more painful for a couple days after.  But this garden trail of grief is a marathon and the pain is there even as I walk.  There are 'rest' stops, refreshing drinks of water along the way and other small blessings to make the climb more bearable and I am thankful for those.  I remember the song Matt Redman sings and perhaps I've mentioned it before.  He sings,

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

My heart does sing this song and I am thankful that I am not doing this on my own.  Not only does He walk beside me but He also puts people in my life to encourage me along the way.  I am also thankful for my class.  Although they are challenging at times, I love each one of them and I am thankful for them.  Some of them are like diamonds in the rough and sometimes I feel that they just need to hear how important they are, that they can make a difference.  I've read them the story "The Boy Who Changed The World" by Andy Andrews and I will remind them of that principle as many times as I can.  Everything we do matters.

Everything we do matters and we need to remember that it is about perspective.  "Remember whatever you focus upon increases... When you focus on the things you need, you'll find those needs increasing.  If you concentrate your thoughts on what you don't have, you will soon be concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don't have -- and feel worse!  If you set your mind on loss, you are more likely to lose... But a grateful perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person's life."

I sure could relate to that quote from Andy Andrew's book.  It was only a few weekends ago that I was so focussed on my loss, not having Dave in my life, having said goodbye to close family and friends in the States, not having material, financial stability etc that it was hard to see the good in my life.  I know that I need to be disciplined enough to have a grateful perspective.  And yes, it takes discipline because, in my grief, it is still easy to resort to dwelling on my losses rather than being thankful, not just for the people and things in my life right now, but also for what I was privileged to enjoy while married to Dave. 

I still miss him, though.