The End of the Year Looms

This is a difficult time of year.  As I drove to a shopping centre about 20 minutes away from home, I sang along with the songs on my iPad and confidently thought about the future and about how far I had come in terms of healing.  Of course, some songs lead me to think about bittersweet memories but one song in particular had words that said something to the effect of "if I had it to do all over again, I would because it was worth it, it was worth loving you...."  And it was, but sometimes the pain gets my heart in a knot and I wish life was different and wish Dave was still alive, sharing his life with me.

I was excited to be going shopping because I had made something special for each of my students as part of the Christmas gift I will be giving them.  It had taken a lot of time and I thought that if I finalised details tonight, it would leave me 'free' to use Saturday for report writing.  I am the worst procrastinator so I need to eliminate all possible distractions.  While I waited to finalise those purchases, I looked in jewellery/gift stores, 'house' stores, clothing stores and Big W.  Trying on a pair of jeans didn't help.  I much prefer the US sizing and prices!  I looked at a set of glasses that I keep thinking of buying but I had enough purchases for the evening, so decided to sit down and have something to eat since it was almost 8pm.

I opened up the gift I had for my students and out of the 26 gifts, one was wrong!  I was so disappointed and now I have to figure out another time to redo that one.  Perhaps I will just do it online and have it delivered, rather than go that distance again.  Well, actually, it's not the distance that matters, it's the time involved and the fact that to get to that store, I have to go past 2480 other stores that are inviting and rather than waste a trip, I may as well look in.

The other thing that was on my mind was the fact that everyone's getting ready for Christmas and I have to face another Christmas without Dave.  I thought last year would be hard because it would be my first Christmas but in some ways, this year is hard because I am wanting to celebrate and share it with Dave but he is not here.  I am not sure if that makes sense to you.  It's hard to have the energy and desire to move forward and yet not be able to. When I was walking around the shopping centre last night, I kept seeing gifts that I would have liked to get for Dave and things I would like to buy for our home...

I also have the added dilemma of whether or not to unpack our Christmas decorations, get a tree and put them up.  I still don't have a job and if I have to move, there is no point getting them out. 

Which leads into my next concern in that I still don't have a job.  Everyone is quick to reassure me that God has a plan for my life and that He has prepared a place for me and I agree with them but it would be really nice to know what God has prepared for me so I can make plans.  One person suggested that if I don't get a job, I can put all my things into storage and go and live with friends out of one suitcase.  I have family and friends who would be gracious enough to allow me to stay with them but that is not the point.  But the questions are: Do I put up the tree? Do I start packing my boxes for moving? Do I plan to go away on a long holiday if I don't get a job? Do I look at other options rather than teaching? Do I give up on the dreams I have for buying my own place, having a horse and a dog and putting down roots?  Am I supposed to take a break from teaching?

One of the songs that played as I drove tonight was, "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul."  I sang along and prayed too.  How much does it mean to me to have my own place?  I don't want to spend the money I have when I could use it to buy my own home but will I have a choice?  Another song echoing my thoughts was that in everything, I want the Lord to be glorified. 

It gets discouraging applying for job after job after job.  I get focussed on a job and how it would be great for me and what I would do but then nothing comes of it and I have to try again.  It is like an emotional rollercoaster.  I get my hopes up high about a job, it comes crashing down, I get my hopes up high about the next job, it comes crashing down and so on.  It can also get annoying when people tell me they know how I feel or they try to tell me that God does have a plan for me but they are speaking from the security of their own job &/or their own home and/or their own family and their own settled lives. My trust is in God.  I have no one else. My belief is that God has a purpose and a plan for my life and I cling to that promise. I know that He will provide all I need.  He provides food for the birds of the air and clothing for the flowers of the field and He loves me even more than those.

But I just want to know what it is I am supposed to do.  I love teaching.  I am really enjoying my class and having lots of fun with them.  The end of the school year is closing in and there's only 3 weeks left.  What then?