Well so much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems almost superfluous to go back and try to retrace those steps. I still feel, at times, like I'm on a roller coaster and as the anniversary of Dave's passing draws closer, I am aware that although I've moved forward and although the cloak of grief doesn't weigh me down as heavily, I still miss him very much. I still miss the life we shared together.
The end of the school term finished and I was glad for the two week school break. I needed it! It had been a long, challenging term and I think that was part of the reason I had been feeling so down, as mentioned in my last couple of posts. During the school break, I went back to my classroom a couple of times and figured out where I was headed in my class and started preparing for the new term with eagerness and a new, more positive attitude. This past week with my class has been good although I still need to keep reining in their escalating chattiness which can get out of control, if unchecked. I am more organised than I have been and ready for the long weeks ahead.
A couple of weeks ago, Nathan and I went on a short holiday interstate and we had a good time. There were times that I realised he and I needed to re-establish our relationship because I am no longer a mother to a young son. I am now mother to a young adult son and with that, our relationship changes more towards a close friendship rather than me in 'authority', yet also with me still wanting to guide him, steer him the right way and make sure he continues to walk as a godly young man. He, on the other hand, is a typical (almost) 20 year old man with a girlfriend, study and life and he is at a point where he wants to be independent and make his own choices about how his life will unfold.
So, I continued giving him driving lessons for a manual car, we went on a tour to Kangaroo Island which we enjoyed immensely, went to a market and shared a 'pig's ear' and we went to a bookstore and bought books to read. We do have a lot in common and I am very thankful for my son!
I guess the other big news in my life is that during the holidays, I decided to figure out if I was ready to 'date' again. Last Sunday afternoon, I made plans to meet a guy for coffee/hot chocolate in a cafe, down by the beach. As I was driving there, I was thinking, "What am I doing???? Am I ready for this?" He was 5 minutes late so I teased him about that as he claims to be so punctual. We had a nice time together, teasing each other and sharing about our lives, our interests, and even our spouses. His wife had passed away on their 28th wedding anniversary which was 18 months ago so he still misses his 'rock'. He has a lot of energy and is passionate about his community, football/Collingwood and his family of 3 daughters. I admire that about him. (Being passionate about his community and family - not the Collingwood bit. lol!)
On Friday night, we decided to go to a movie "Snow White and the Huntsman" and Nathan also got to meet him and I got to meet two of his daughters. He and I had dinner together first and when he spilt his coke zero onto my plate of chips, I laughed because he did it, not me! We enjoyed the movie and each other's company and went and picked up Nathan who had been visiting his girlfriend. Lots of bantering in the drive back to his place and I loved it when a song we both knew came on and he and I were both singing along.
As Nathan and I were driving home, we evaluated the "date" and the man. Nathan was impressed with who he was a person and the way he treated me, the way he talked to Nathan, the way he and I seemed to be very comfortable and relaxed with each other and the way he spoke of his daughters and wife. It was all good. It was nice to be with someone whose company I enjoyed and who I felt comfortable with.
Yesterday, Nathan and I attended a First Aid course at the school and I enjoyed sharing that day with him and with some of my favourite colleagues. We laughed and had so much fun, so by the time I ended up watching, "My Fair Lady" on a dvd that night, I was quite content with where I was at in my life and sang along with the songs.
I slept well last night which was good as I haven't had much sleep over the last week and I haven't been feeling well since I've had a cold. I woke up refreshed and ready for the day ahead. I don't know where my life is headed and what will happen, even in the next couple of weeks. In my devotions, I read recently, "
But instantly He spoke to them, saying, "Take courage! I AM! Stop being afraid!" This was Jesus' response to the disciples when they encountered a storm while out in a boat. He was saying, "I AM here for you right now, and you must have faith now that everything is going to be all right." That is how you should be living your life -- with a 'now' faith..... God wants you to live for today. Worrying about yesterday or tomorrow steals today. But the great I AM has given you just enough grace for today.... So use the favour and power of the Holy Spirit to do His will right now."
Anyway, there's been more devotional thoughts that God keeps using to remind me to lean on Him, to trust Him and to move forward with Him. Sometimes it is hard for me to be patient about my life and to wait for things to come about. I tend to rush in as an attempt to make it all better and to have it settled. I don't like suspense and waiting to see how things unfold but I keep being reminded that He does make everything beautiful, "In His time" and His timing really is perfect.
I had a good friend come stay over on Sunday and we had a great time. Instead of calling for a pizza, I cooked a roast lamb and served it with scalloped potatoes and steamed veggies. Donna made a Dutch apple pie, using my Kenwood chef so I now know it works! It was a delicious meal. We watched three, very different movies beginning with "What Women Want" and then "The Long Kiss Goodnight". "The Long Kiss Goodnight" is a drama starring Geena Davies and Dave and I both enjoyed that movie. For the final movie, we watched, "The Princess Bride". Donna had never seen that movie before which really surprised me but we enjoyed all three movies.
The next day, we decided to go for a walk to the Post Office as I had to renew my passport and she had to post a package to a friend. It's only going to take 10 working days to get my new passport - a big improvement on the days when it would take at least 6 weeks. As we walked, I fell over onto the ground. I hurt my ankle a little, my right finger still feels achy, my left knee was scraped and I hurt my left palm, too. I don't know how I did it but it reminded me of a time back in October 2009 when Dave and I went to his parents' place for Dad's 90th birthday.
On Sunday afternoon, Dave and I went for a walk and as I walked across the bridge not far from their place, I fell over. Dave had just looked away for a second and when he turned back, I was 'gone'. My jeans were ripped, my ankle was really sore and my left knee - scraped up and bleeding. Dave asked if I wanted to go back but we'd only just begun the walk and I was so happy to be alone with him, that I ignored the pain and we kept walking. We walked past the salmon farm, walked past the beaver dam, and walked through the woods. Dave listened for 'danger' and on the way back, we saw a deer in the middle of the road.
On that walk, as I followed Dave through the woods, I knew for sure that I wanted to marry him. I even thought of asking him to marry me but I knew it was best for him to ask me when he was ready. We walked for about two hours and then he complained about being tired. I laughed considering I was the one who had the sore leg and ankle. It was worth it!
When we got back to Mom and Dad's home, Mom made me sit in a chair so that she could clean the cut for me. Dad went and got a bandage to cover it and Mom put my torn jeans in the washing machine to get them clean again. I will never forget how special that whole weekend was. I got to meet Dave's family and from the start, I felt at home with them. I felt like I belonged with them.
This post is going to be raw honesty because that's the way I write.
In all honesty, this is the worst I've ever felt since Dave's passed away, even though it should be getting easier, better, and/or less painful. I should be feeling good because I'm on Term break for 2 weeks, have a very good friend coming to stay the night tonight and then at the end of next week, Nathan and I will be making some good memories.
So much is going on in my head and the last few nights, even my dreams have been full of conflict and hurt. I hate being like this! I hate tears falling at any moment of the day and I know I don't want to burden my family and friends but on the other hand, I'm screaming out because I want to be loved and I want reassurance that I make a difference in their life and that I do matter. I almost called to cancel my friend coming over today because I'd rather hide under the covers than have to be sharing time, tears, making myself vulnerable, admitting that I'm not doing OK to someone who cares. I have kept Skype off because I can't be bubbly and positive and I only go to Facebook for the games and to see how the people I love are doing.
I'm looking for things that will ease the pain. The other night I watched "Mary Poppins" which is a feel good movie and it worked, temporarily. I understood what Mary meant when she said, "Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle
their thinking."
I am nowhere near practically perfect if that is the definition though. I don't know if I feel like this because I am grieving or because work has been stressful,. Or maybe it's because I am reminded that I have no job security at the end of this year or because I have no home of my own or that no one will notice 'immediately' if I don't come home tonight. It's probably all of those things combined.
In my devotions on June 24th I read, "In times of trouble God hides you in Christ. Safe in the cleft of the Rock, there is provision for your needs. It may not be everything you want, but He gives you what you need to get through the situation.... God desires to pour out His goodness upon you. He has covered you with His hand and is continually moving toward you with the answer..."
On June 25th I read, "Many times you ask God to speak to you, but if He doesn't respond with a specific word, you still have to live your daily life." and on June 27th I read, "So many Christians are headed somewhere, but not many of us are enjoying the trip. It would be such a tragedy to arrive at the end of your journey only to realise you had not enjoyed life to its fullest..... Whatever your present station in life, whatever you are called to do, wherever you are called to go, enjoy the journey. Don't waste one day of the precious life God has given you. Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say, rejoice!"
I get it in my head. I understand what it is saying and I want that for my life. I do want to live again and enjoy life and give and bless others. I wrote on Facebook, "I know I have lots in my life to be thankful for and I am thankful for the people, both family and friends, in my life. But even when I am having fun, even when I share meals with others and even while I am thankful for others who love me, there's still someone missing in my life. I still miss Dave and wish I could be sharing my life with him - as we had planned. There's a big part of my heart that feels empty without him. And I don't say this for your pity or condolences. It just is what it is."
It's raining outside and my house is mostly clean and ready for when my friend turns up. It should be cleaner but I am lacking in motivation. I will have to go to the school during the holidays and get ready for next term, too.
I really wish I could find a way to get over this slump of grief. I wish I had the motivation and stability to move forward. I wish I knew where I could feel I belong, feel I could put down roots, feel I could give and have the assurance that if I make myelf so vulnerable, it won't be snatched away from me and I won't have to face this much hurt and loss again.
A couple of weeks ago, Nathan and I went on a short holiday interstate and we had a good time. There were times that I realised he and I needed to re-establish our relationship because I am no longer a mother to a young son. I am now mother to a young adult son and with that, our relationship changes more towards a close friendship rather than me in 'authority', yet also with me still wanting to guide him, steer him the right way and make sure he continues to walk as a godly young man. He, on the other hand, is a typical (almost) 20 year old man with a girlfriend, study and life and he is at a point where he wants to be independent and make his own choices about how his life will unfold. 
So, I continued giving him driving lessons for a manual car, we went on a tour to Kangaroo Island which we enjoyed immensely, went to a market and shared a 'pig's ear' and we went to a bookstore and bought books to read. We do have a lot in common and I am very thankful for my son!
Yesterday, Nathan and I attended a First Aid course at the school and I enjoyed sharing that day with him and with some of my favourite colleagues. We laughed and had so much fun, so by the time I ended up watching, "My Fair Lady" on a dvd that night, I was quite content with where I was at in my life and sang along with the songs. 
