Echidnas and Roses

Our dog Riley was besotted with porcupines.  Last year there were at least five times that he came home with quills around his mouth and/or in his mouth but it was as though he never learnt from his experience.  Each time he came home with them, he had to be held still while each quill was pulled out and though it was painful, it didn't stop him from doing it again.  Ahh, the lessons we could learn but don't!


Echidnas, on the other hand, are not like porcupines and they don't throw their quills.  Superficially they look a bit like porcupines and hedgehogs but echidnas are monotremes.  (egg laying mammals).  To escape danger, the echidna curls into a ball, or burrows into the ground.  I've been trying to find one to take a photo of, but I am usually driving by when one is seen.  Last Saturday, Wendy and I saw one so we turned around and took this photo of it just before it burrowed away.  Karen almost ran one over today and by the time we turned around and drove back, it had scurried away into the bushes and since it was raining a little, I had no desire to get out of the car and chase it.

Every day I get up, shower, breakfast and move through the day.  The last couple of days I have seemed to drag my feet and lacked motivation but the point is, I get through the day and usually when I am reflecting on my day before I go to sleep, I find something to be thankful for, something or someone, that had made me laugh or smile, something that in spite of my grief, reminds me that life goes on and I will get through this time.  "When...?" is the beginning of a lot of my thoughts but as it says in Eccl. 3:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens....
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

So at this time, I am thankful for those people who email me, call me, Facebook me, skype with me and/or visit me.  I am thankful for the people who eat with me, drink with me (they have tea/coffee/latte etc while I have a diet coke), shop with me and go driving with me.  I am thankful for friends and family who smile and give me a reason to smile back and I am thankful and humbled by the overwhelming love that has been given to me without conditions and people who are there for me and not what they can receive from me.  I am thankful that people are genuinely concerned for me at this time.

Today, Karen and her grandmother were talking about roses and her grandmother was talking about how she needed to prune a dead rose off the bush.  Dave was so proud of his roses and about a week before he passed away, we had bought a plastic climber thing so that the rose could grow the right way.  On Valentines Day, he bought me a small pink rose in a little pot, then he planted it in the garden, marking it with a 'garden bird' and he tried to coax it to grow a little more.  He dug up a dead rose bush and when he found a few leaves that had shown life, he planted it elsewhere and it began to grow.  Dave loved roses and I love Dave.  I wish I had have taken a photo of Dave's rose garden when it was in full bloom.  Speaking of gardening, another one of my friend's said today, something to the effect of flowers grow more beautifully in gardens where manure/fertilizer is.  I guess I'm going to grow bloomin' well.

What is the meaning of this photo?  Karen said I took a photo of the worst part of her garden but that wasn't my purpose at all. It inspires me in my interest of photography, reminding me that I really want to do more in that area and the other thing is, I love writing.  I want to write stories of interest and haven't yet decided whether it would be adult fiction or children's fiction.  A friend today who has been reading my blogs said that I seem to have a lot to say.  All I know is that I have so much that I want to write about and there's a lot of 'fodder' there for years to come.

Maybe this blog post appears a little mismatched but there is a train of thought in there, from writing to gardening to manure, to growth. 

In The Middle of the Night

It’s the middle of the night, dark and cool and my music is playing in the background.  I’m all alone and that’s when thoughts, memories, and grief envelop me; Images of Dave sitting up in the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, his eyes meeting mine. What is he trying to say to me?  What does he know?  Is he trying to draw strength and courage from me? Is he trying to tell me he loves me? Is he scared?  Does he know this will be the last time we will see each other on this earth?  If I had have known that would be the last time, I would have jumped up on that ambulance, told him I loved him again and again and probably not have let go of him until they forcibly removed me from his arms.

They say, God gives you the desires of your heart and I cry out, ”Why, then, isn’t Dave with me now???”  I look around me and couples everywhere are holding hands, looking at each other with love in their eyes.  I miss him.  I miss not being loved by him.  Song playing in the background, “I need your loving like the sun shine”.  Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be one of the ‘lucky ones’ who are loved by their beloved now, on this earth.  (The name David means ‘beloved.’)

I don’t know how to stop crying.  I know that it’s OK to cry but I sob and cry and try wiping the tears away with my hands.  Nobody can imagine how much this hurts!  During the day, with people around, busyness etc., it’s a lot easier to get distracted and not think about this pain. It’s also ‘easier’ on such wonderful, kind, loving family and friends who are doing their best to help ease the burden. But at night, all alone, I allow myself to grieve and cry.  This is my journey and though others can love me, they can’t take away the knowledge and pain of not having Dave here with me.

Saying live with no excuses,
And love with no regrets.
... Laugh a lot
Leave this life with nothing left unsaid
Make this world a better place
And don't be afraid to cry,
So when it's finally time to say goodbye
You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide

I don't have regrets.  I left what I could behind in Australia and came to Dave, giving him everything and loving him with my whole  heart.

I think about him in Heaven.  I think about him enjoying the love of God, the new body, no sorrow, sin, no tears and then I wonder, if that is what Heaven is, enjoying the fellowship of Jesus, then he won’t be concerned with the things of earth.  He’ll be enjoying himself and have no thought of me and won’t even be missing me.  While I am happy for him, I am sad for me.

I am all alone, without Dave, and the tears keep streaming down, the sobs keep coming out and my heart is breaking all over again.

Another love song plays.  “Wherever you go, tell me because I’m gonna go…. We’ve found love… Life is a rollercoaster.  You just gotta ride it.  I need you… Can’t you feel my heart? Can’t you take my heart?”

Oh Dave.

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want

Is to hold you  tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

Oh yeah, more time would have been so good!

But morning has come, the rain and tears have stopped, the birds are singing and it's another day to face, another day to get through, another step forward.

Leaving Without My Whole Heart

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was looking out the window at the night sky, thinking about Dave, thinking about being home here and really not wanting to go back to Australia.  I know in my head that it's the practical thing to do and that I have to do it, but leaving here is like leaving my heart behind right now.  "Here" is where I placed all my heart, my things, my hopes and my dreams.  I left so much to be here.  I didn't burn bridges and I didn't cut my losses in Australia but I didn't expect to be going back there anytime soon without Dave.

On our first anniversary, (our red-neck anniversary) Dave said that it's hard to believe it's only a year when so much has happened.  He added that things can only get better because it was a really tough year for us.  Circumstances did not allow us to have a 'normal' first year of marriage, we barely had any time to just be newly weds and have fun with just the two of us.  There's a part of me that is resentful of the fact we didn't have newly wed memories.  We had good times and made some fun memories but it seems like we were often led by the circumstances rather than plotting our own course.... until the last couple of months anyway.

So last night as I looked around at all the stuff in my bedroom, 'counting' it, thinking about what I need to ship away, it hurt bad.  It's only 'things' but it represents so much more.  Although it's only been 52 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes, it's been a lifetime since Dave passed away.  The focus on these last weeks has been on getting our home ready for an Estate Sale and getting me ready to go back to Australia.  It doesn't seem like there's been enough time to just really sit and grieve for all that I've lost, grieve for my husband Dave. 

Maybe it has.  Maybe this is God's way of moving me forward and getting me ready for the next moment in my life.  I know that He does have a purpose for my life and I know that He directs my steps and leads me on.  Still, I have questions that don't have any answers.  I am glad for the assurance that He is the one carrying me through this time, I just wish that it didn't hurt so much and that there were certainties for this life that I could hold on to.

Well, guess it's time to go upstairs and attack the bedroom, sort it out, figure out what clothes to take, what clothes to give to charity, gather all the stuff that I will be shipping out and make sure I have everything I think I will want.  How do I know what I will miss when all is said and done?  I know that when I came here, there were some things I wish I hadn't given away and left behind.  I guess it will be the same this time too.

I procrastinate because it is all so overwhelming at times.