Evening Falls As The Day Ends

As the sun sets, casting a halo of light and pink colours over the gum trees and bottle brushes, the cockatoos squawk and the blackbirds and blue wrens sing their pretty songs.  We picked the blackberries and raspberries for a treat later on and then darkness fell gently on the earth, covering it with silence.  Sleep will come later for me and even now, I hope it will come quickly and soundly, without the weird dreams I've been having lately that cause me to wake up feeling unrested.


The perfume of lilies permeates the room and a bull bellows at the darkening sky.  Last night, I went to bed thinking, "What have I done?!"  And what it all comes down to is, I have moved forward because there's no place else to go.  I read an Aussie cartoonist's caption today, "Let it go. Let it out. Let it all unravel. Let it free and it can be A path on which to travel." (Leunig 2012)


I visited the school a couple of days ago and looked around it again, took possession of a staff manual and a parents' manual and read through them.  I looked at places to rent and found a home that I liked although I do have some misgivings about the next-door neighbours, due to some overheard interactions.  It's nice to have it all settled (Well, not sure yet if I have the rental place) and I'm moving forward but it's still not my heart's desire.


I went shopping yesterday afternoon, on my own, and did not enjoy it very much.  I was looking for things to add to my home, not 'our' home.  I was looking at Christmas gifts and remembered that I would not be buying anything for Dave, nor receiving anything from Dave.  It's not even that the gifts are important, it's the realisation that Christmas will be without Dave. 


I was talking to my friend Bronwyn today and she told me about a Bible verse from Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."  She shared that when a spouse dies after many years, the one left still has the memories and dreams fulfilled but she added, "You weren't married long enough to make those memories, just the possibility of dreams to be fulfilled.  What you have now is not what you wanted, not what you planned."  Exactly!


It's report writing time and I remembered that when I had finished teaching, I told Dave that I am so glad that I won't have to write reports again.  Yet, here I am with a job teaching and next year, it will be back to report writing.  Yes, teaching is fulfilling in other ways and I am happy to be in the classroom again, but more paperwork, more reports, more assessment tasks......more practice at procrastinating!


Well I have eaten my strawberries, raspberries and blackberries topped with vanilla ice-cream and the hour hands on the clock have moved steadily around.  Tomorrow is another day and I don't have any idea what it will hold but I will go to bed shortly and wake up to a new day.

Dave, My Beloved Husband!

I knew I loved him deeply but I didn't know how much until he was gone.
I knew he was a part of my life but I didn't realise how much I depended on him, how much I looked forward to him coming home and how much I loved sharing our life together until I realised that now I am on my own and I have to have a life without him.

I hold back the tears, scared that once they start flowing, they will never stop.  I am right about this and my pillow is now soaked, my cheeks are wet and the tears just keep coming.
I stand there, wanting to fall, bracing myself while my insides are torn up and my heart is breaking.  How.. why... did I love him so much?

Everyone around me has been so wonderful and their love and words touch me but when all is said and done, they go back to their homes, to their lives and I'm left here alone in the home that I shared with Dave and no matter how much I want him to come through that door, he won't. 

It's just as well that we learned how to breathe, to dress ourselves, to put food in our mouths when we are young, so when we hurt this badly, we can go through the motions, take a step at a time, move without thinking, knowing that one day, this too shall pass.

I read this from another woman's blog and I know exactly how she feels:  "I’ve not only lost him, I’ve lost me. Who I was, who I was functioning as. And while there are similarities to my life before [he passed away], I will now have to find a new direction, a new purpose, new goals. I will not be the same person.... I will not have the same future. It has all changed and right now it feels blank and very empty. I know it will take time, time and energy. I know that God will direct me in finding new purpose, but today it just feels like more death. The death again of all I believed would happen. The death of the old me." 

Now I face a future that has no certainties.  I am going back to Australia.  People say that I am going "home" to Australia but Australia is not my home.  I always said to Dave, wherever he is, that is my home.  Here is not my home anymore, either.  And yet is is.  Because this is where Dave and I had a home together and this is where he loved, where he lived, where he has so many memories - good and bad - and this is his home that he brought me into and made me his.  "Always and all yours" I said so often, I texted him so often, he is my beloved.

When I left Australia to come here, it was with a heart full of love, a heart full of hope and a heart full of dreams to share with him.  When I go back to Australia, I go back without him.

I pick myself up and realise that life goes on and that there will be a future for me.  I am glad that I don't drink alcohol because today would be tempting to drink myself into oblivion. I know that is not the answer, not a cure and really, I know that I wouldn't anyway. 

People admire me for my strength and vitality but I am just me and I wonder why I have to be the one to endure such heartache.  "Life is unfair" I have heard over and over again.  "We're about due for a miracle", I say to my attorney and brother-in-law Dan last week but to be honest, I don't expect one.  All I know is that God loves me and that He will help me get through this one step at a time and even though I hurt so much, He is carrying me and providing for me all that I need.

If you've read through all this, thank you.  ♥  I didn't write this for your sympathy or pity, I wrote it to share how I really feel and I guess, because I wanted to tell everyone just how much I loved Dave and miss him so much.  If it means you'll pray for me, again I thank you.  A couple people have told me they can't do much but they can pray and all I know is that is doing much more than we can do in our own strength.