Counting down the days to holidays.
It's already been a long, trying, wearying year with blessings mixed in to make it bearable: A classroom of students who I enjoy teaching and having fun with, friends who make me laugh (and cry), a husband who loves me and learning/study that in another 12 months time I will say, "Yay! I'm done!" to.
Watching Milly, my lab, walk faithfully behind Andy is so cute and she waits at the door for him while he is putting rubbish in the bin. We've also noticed that she loves to listen to me sing but cowers when Andy begins. When I start singing, she cocks/sways her head from side to side, comes up close, puts her paws on my legs and looks intently at me. She is so cute! The other day I was using photos as an aid for my students to write a descriptive paragraph. One of the photos I used was Milly swimming in a dam (lake-sized) with a tennis ball beside her, jet skis in the background and a gravelly 'beach'. When they were adding in adjectives, the students used 'black' and 'fluffy' but none of them used gorgeous or cute. Yet she is.
I handed in my last assignment for this subject, one hour and thirty-eight minutes early and was very glad for my friend Sharyn's help as well as for the good mark I got on the last one so that I should finish with a pass. My next subject begins in a month's time from now (after our holiday).
Sometimes it's hard to stay motivated and keep going when you're tired and feeling overwhelmed with the hurts that you're going through. I know that I become super-sensitive and sometimes a simple hug or smile makes me melt. Hearing sad news makes me cry and being far away from people I wish I could be with, is difficult and that in no way, diminishes the love and support I am blessed to receive by my friends here. Tomorrow is Father's Day in the States but not here in Australia. I think of Dave's dad and wish I could go and visit with him. I think of the kids that Dave has 'left behind' and who no longer have the dad who loved them unconditionally and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible.
Yesterday being Saturday and me not having any study to do, I decided some retail therapy was needed. Unlike some of my women friends, I don't go clothes, shoes or handbag (purse) shopping. My first stop was Saddleworld, my next stop was Rhonda's Refits (Wrangler, Montana and other 'western gear'), then on to Officeworks where I found a very pretty mouse for my computer - bright pink! I didn't get to Australia Geographic store but all in all, with the purchases I made, I got great bargains. I couldn't choose between two pairs of earrings, so I had the girl behind the check out, hide them behind her back and I chose a hand. I took the earrings home and found out that the back doesn't catch so I will need to take them back and exchange them for the other pair. The bracelet I got from Saddleworld, matches the other 2 I bought a year or so ago.
My creative juices were flowing the other night when I was trying to sleep, so I am looking forward to this next week with my students. As well as working them hard, we will also have some end of semester fun. I am hoping they will be successful in arranging a teacher versus students' touch football game with a cheer squad organised for both sides. It should be fun and in this case, it's really not about who will win but how much fun we can have together.
It is really important for me to find and do things that I enjoy when I am finding life tough. It is important to count the days down to 'better' things and to wake up each day knowing that today is going to be a good day. There is a man at squash and he said his philosophy is to not care, that way he doesn't have a bad day and no one can make it bad for him. I can't imagine not caring and I think that caring and loving is what keeps me going. I love coming home from work. I love it that Andy is here and I love it that when I go to Milly, she wags her tail and raises her paw as though to greet me. I love that our neighbourhood is quiet and that there is a small mountain that's within walking distance. I love it that despite the hard times, there are still many things to be thankful for!
P.S. When I go to the dentist during the holidays, I'm going to warn him, "I know I need to floss my teeth more, I know I should have been here sooner, but it's been a tough six months so please use your most reassuring voice and encourage me to come back again in another six months time."
Last Friday was the 12th June and therefore, five years since Dave and I got married. I don't know if anyone else thought about that day last Friday but I did. The day was sunny and we had about fifty friends and family gather together to celebrate our new beginning in Washington State, USA. I remember waiting on the steps with my bridal attendants while people kept coming and Dave kept talking but after the ceremony and the BBQ, the day was over and we were on our way to begin our new life together. Five years. It seems so long ago and yet, not so. It sometimes seems like it didn't even happen but then I dig up memories out of the cobwebs of my mind and remember things that happened in the short space of thirteen months. Tractors, horses, tubing, boats, basketball and snow, hikes through the woods, the Olive Garden, Applebee's and IHOP (International House of Pancakes). New friends, new family, new relationships built. These are just a few of my treasured memories. Thirteen months later, Dave had passed away and I remember sitting in my car about to leave and go back to Australia. Crying.
Life goes on and I move forward with it because, quite frankly, the other option is not very appealing. It is so important to live life without regrets. We can't change the past and if we hold on to the hurt and grief, the pain can take hold of us and hinder us from enjoying the life we have to live. There is so much of life waiting out there, so many adventures to be had, so many new memories to make. While there are days that I could easily say "Enough already!" I know that the 'next step' might be the best one yet, or if not, it could be the one after that. Although I have not done so, a bucket list seems like a good idea. What would you do if you only had a year to live and could do anything you want to do?
I wish I could.
I wish I had the money to do what I dream of doing, to do what I love doing and not have to worry about bills and other costs.
I wish I had the time to take off and go places I would like to explore.
I wish I could own and ride a horse, off into the sunset until sunrise and then again.
I can wish all I like but wishing doesn't turn dreams into reality and doesn't make things happen. All I can do is take steps to make it happen and all along the way, embrace the days I have been given as a surprise gift. It's sort of like walking along the garden trail. I set off on a track with the 'goal' in mind but along the way, I enjoy the views and enjoy the rugged tracks. I enjoy the bends and newness of each part of the track that I have to travel before I reach my goal.
Imagine if I gave up on living. Imagine the blessings I would have missed out on: the road trip around the Eastern part of Australia, moving to new places, making new friends and renewing old friendships, beginning a teaching job in a "new" school with a wonderful class and enrolling in a University course to study something I am passionate about - counselling children. Imagine all the songs I have sung and heard and the sands I have walked along at the beach.
Imagine if I hadn't have opened my heart to love and be loved by Andy. He is a man wanting to serve me and make me happy. He even puts me first. For example, he willingly gives up going to footy training so that I can study with my friend Sharyn to get my assignment completed. He wishes he could give me all that I have dreamed of and he encourages me to keep moving forward. I asked him questions I read on Facebook and one of them said, "If your wife was to become famous, what would it be for?" He replied, "For being a psychologist or being an author/photographer". One of the things he admires about me is he thinks I have determination and that I keep going even when it gets tough. Yes, he sees me when I am feeling overwhelmed and sees me when I want to give up. He gives me hugs and reassures me. He has taken me close to his heart. I am thankful for Andy.
My life has changed dramatically year after year over the past five years and sometimes I am really tempted to give up - as if I even had a choice. I don't like making decisions and I find it hard to dream and make plans when life has proven it doesn't always turn out that way. I get overwhelmed and find it hard to get motivated when I am in such a state which doesn't bode well when I have an assignment due. I know that there are better things to come but I also know that before then, there is work to be done and issues to be resolved. Recently a song by Sanctus Real was playing on my iPad and the lyrics were something I could easily relate to:
Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again.
But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new
Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here
There are verses in Ecclesiastes 3 that say, "He has made everything beautiful in its time.... I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God." and in Lamentations 3:22,23 "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
Today is a gift. Not only don't we know what tomorrow holds, we don't even know if we'll be able to enjoy it. Live today and make every moment count.
