When I was in my teenage years, my thoughts and beliefs were black and white absolutes that were clearly defined. I loved life and anticipated the future with enthusiasm. I knew that making right choices was all anyone needed to do if they wanted to have a good, guilt-free life. As a newly-wed someone accused me of being innocent and naive and I scoffed and was miffed by their comment and a colleague added that when I had my own children, I wouldn't be so black and white. They were trying to assure me that life wasn't so simple and straightforward. I heard a quote back then, "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys and I laughed and thought it must be true.
Now, 25+ years of life later, I look back on who I was then, untarnished by hurt and loss and wonder if I have changed. The simple answer is yes and no. Life has happened and I've continued to move forward and grow. Some of those thoughts and beliefs are the foundation of who I am. I still want to soar like an eagle and pursue excellence in all I do. I still recognise the importance of making right choices but I also know that others' choices can have an effect on my circumstances.
Last night Andy and I were watching a TV show called "The Living Room" and a professional organizer was called in to help a family who needed to declutter their living space. They had way too much stuff! While they were sorting through their mountains of clothes and furniture, dividing the useful and needed from the useless and unnecessary, another team was brought in to redecorate and renovate their home into something modern and more practical. It was said that when people are feeling overwhelmed by life circumstances, it only takes someone to help them with the first step in moving forward to get them back on track and motivated once again.
This week I have been unwell and have had two days off sick. It started as a heavy cold and even today Andy said my voice doesn't sound good. It's OK if I don't talk and I don't have a sore throat.. The reason I tell you this is because when I am unwell, I have too much time to think and dwell on what is happening in my life so everything I am about to say, needs to be put into that perspective.
I love my job. I love my class and it was really lovely to come back to work and have them all excited about me being back. They are enthusiastic about learning and I see them as children who are going on to being teenagers and then, adults. With that, they have all the confusion of wanting independence, of being influenced by social media that doesn't always reflect godly values and of the innocence of childhood being tarnished at times, by the circumstances and choices of others around them without necessarily having the resources and 'wisdom' they need to make wise and discerning choices.
About ten years ago, someone asked me what I would do if a) I ever gave up teaching and b) where do I want to be in ten years time. I replied that "if" I ever gave up teaching, I would become a counsellor for children as my work has opened my eyes to the pain and hurt children go through and yet, they don't seem to have people equipped to help them. I also said that I don't make long term plans because my experience is that life doesn't always go the way we plan. Yet, here I am studying my Masters of Education, majoring in guidance and counselling. People ask me if I am going to follow the counsellor field when I am finished my course. The course I am doing helps me in my teaching in a practical sense now so I don't feel that I will be giving up teaching any time soon. On the other hand, I am also open to opportunities that might arise from doing this course.
I came home yesterday, feeling discouraged and watching the TV show didn't help. Where is the 'kickstart' I need to continue on the path I have chosen? Why am I working full-time and studying part-time when it requires so much effort and time? Why can't we just pack up and leave and find a place to run away to? After all, we're not getting any younger and it would be nice to have the time and money to enjoy the beach more often or go on an overseas holiday, or visit the outback of Australia. Why is life so challenging?
I did a Facebook quiz and although the results aren't always accurate, it said this about me: "You are hungry for adventure and excited about life, but you are also very humble and sincere. You are a great problem solver and have a balanced perspective about things." I appreciated a conversation I had with my good friend Sonya. She said, "I think your passion is your students and you are following your passion and your gifting, skills and training. You aim high because you have healthy self-respect and care about what you do." I really needed to hear those words.
On the plus side, I got a good mark for my assignment - the best I have had so far which means a little of the pressure can be taken off for the next assignment. I need to get motivated again so I can complete it on time but being sick, it has been hard to focus on studying about the theory of assessment and testing students and why students have behavioural issues etc.
And speaking about counting your blessings: While I've been sick, Andy has done all he can to look after me. When he was going out to homegroup the other night, he put next to my bed: a glass of diet coke, a glass of water, chips, chocolate and Panadol (headache tablets) so that I wouldn't need to get up while he was gone. During the afternoon, he went outside to hit a few golf balls and left the back door open saying, "If you need anything, just call and I'll come back inside". I thank him and he replies "It's what any husband would do." I tell him it's not but he still shrugs it off.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, even when life seems too hard, God still puts good things in my life to help me get through it. As Sonya reminded me, having friends in so many places means that I have a lot of love coming to me from all those directions. So I will persevere and move forward knowing that there is a purpose behind it and I am loved. Besides, when I look back and see all the great stuff I have lived, life is still an adventure and there's more to live and enjoy!
Every year since 1999, I approach Mother's Day with mixed feelings. My mum passed away on June 11th that year and I remember the following Mother's Day being really upset. For me, Mother's Day was all about honouring my mum and now she was gone, it was hard to be happy on Mother's Day. I remember going to church and someone asking me how I was - someone who didn't have children of their own and when I tried to say how I felt, she replied, "Well, you have Nathan so now you have to be happy because you're his mum". Wham!
It did get better after years but I still miss my mum. There are so many times I want to call mum and tell her good news, sad news, happy news and share with her my hopes and dreams. There are so many people I want to introduce to my mum knowing she would love them too. My mum was someone who loved her family unconditionally, who was herself even when others had expectations for her and at a church picnic, she would leave the chatter of the other women and get up and join in with playing cricket. My mum cried and she laughed, she talked and she listened. She wasn't perfect and didn't claim to be. Mum was a good example of a woman who loved, was kind to all and who did what she thought was right and had a desire to see others be at peace with God.
My journey through life has had it's share of ups and downs, of loss, of pain, of happiness and of reasons to be thankful. I know that had mum been alive, she would have walked through every step of that journey with me and would have encouraged me and continued to believe in me. She would never have given up on me. Perhaps she would have argued and disagreed with some of my choices but I know she would have still believed in me and trusted me. Mum was a good example of the kind of mother I want to be.
Nathan and I have had good times and challenging times in our relationship but I hope he has always known how much I love him and want to be there for him, in the same way my mum was for me.
I was looking over some photos today and it was great to remember how many happy times we have shared together. We talked on the phone today but I miss him and wish he and his wife Mel lived closer!
I love Dave's mother. I know that she continues to pray for me and for Andy too and I am so grateful to God for giving me the family He did, because of Dave. Since our move, I haven't talked to her in ages thanks to being offline for a few weeks and having to catch up in study and I miss her.
Andy's mum passed away when Andy was in his 20's so he too knows what it's like to lose a mum.
There's an older lady I play squash with and sometimes she says she's my mum. She says that because she wants me to play 'easier' on her although she and I both know that we don't want that to happen. One of the teachers at school the other day said that if she had ever had a daughter, she would have been 'naughty' like me. I love Avis and Andy plays golf with her every week so now he gets to play with his 'adopted' mother-in-law.
So although yesterday I was dreading Mother's Day, today I was thankful for it. I was thankful for the mothers God has put in my life. Andy and I went for a walk up the mountain near our house in honour of our mothers. We took chocolate cake with us but by the time we got there, I was too out of breath to eat it and so I enjoyed it when we got back home. It was a good photo opportunity and I felt glad to have finally climbed it after two years of living here. Yes, it reminded me I need to get fitter and it also reminded me that since my accident, I don't have quite the same flexibility but it was good.
Andy has done all he can to make this day good for me. He bought me gifts, gave me breakfast in bed and happily walked up the mountain with me. Since he's been wanting to do that with me for more than 12 months and had all but given up on it ever happening, one could say he might even have been a little excited about walking up there with Milly and I. All day, he has enquired after my happiness and contentment, looking for ways to please me and making sure that I have a happy mother's day. I am thankful that I have a husband who desires to serve me.
Happy Mother's Day to all those mothers who are reading this and if your mum is still alive, give her an extra hug and be thankful for the life you share with her.
This morning as I enjoyed breakfast in bed, I listened to the sounds of magpies, bellbirds, and kookaburras while dogs barked and lawns were being mowed. Andy thinks there is not a day go by when someone isn't out mowing their lawns in this small town. The day has been particularly overcast and this week the weather was very wet and cold. (relatively speaking) Friday at school was a wet day program and to curb the restlessness and possible misbehaviour that can occur when students are forced to stay indoors all day, I switched to a low-key day and although we did tests and studies, we also sang songs during their usual choir time, watched clips of Wizard of Oz during a break and played indoor volleyball with the children sitting opposite each other and trying to hit a balloon over the heads of their opposition in order to score points.
One child commented that "All we've done is sing and play today" so I quickly reminded him of all the work we had done. It was a good day for all of us and I reflected that I need to make the most of every day, recognise my students are growing from children to teenagers, give them positive memories that they can take of their schooling and give them a break from thinking school is all tests, books, discipline and hard work. As I did my uni studies, I read this quote from Albert Einstein, "It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge". On Thursday, I put up a photo I had taken and asked the children to write down as many adjectives as they could. One child remarked that I should become a professional photographer which made me feel good. Andy thinks I could incorporate writing a book and taking photos for the book.
I'm glad he keeps dreaming about the future because at the moment, with all the combined stress of study, work, unresolved issues about rent etc., it's hard to get past thinking about anything else. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. I remember when I was a young adult, Carman, a singer was once talking about someone who said they were doing OK "under the circumstances" and his reply was "You need to get out from under the circumstances." Fine words, positive thinking and cliches are all well and good but not always that easy to rise up with the wings of an eagle.
I have a few pressing circumstances that are hard to not dwell on. For instance, this coming Wednesday, I have to have a conference/mediation phone call and deal with the former property manager of our last rental place to discuss why we should or shouldn't have our bond returned. Although I have all the evidence and understand what grounds I can stand upon, it is yucky to go through this process.
I handed my assignment for Uni in on time which was no small achievement and what I am studying now is more interesting to me than coefficient variables and validity, as it incorporates counselling, listening skills to combine with interviews for assessment. On the other hand, I am still one and a half weeks behind, (which means lots of reading!) and need to catch up.
On Thursday I was playing squash against a 76 year old woman. She said she keeps playing because if she stops, that would mean she doesn't come back to it. We talked about the need to keep going, keep moving and to make the most of every day. She recounted a news item about a 23 year old who was killed in a car accident and said, "You just never know what the day will hold". And we don't. I listen to young and old people making plans for the future and while I don't want to sound morbid, the fact is, we don't know what the future holds. It's OK to make plans and dream, (I do it!) but we also need to make today count. Make memories today. Tell family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. Encourage others. Jump in puddles. Laugh.
Have a good week. Pray for me if you will, that I catch up, that I stay calm and I learn much.
Now to go and watch Becker with my thoughtful husband who surprises me with his kindness towards me.
