Taking Time Out

On Tuesday, Andy and I went for a walk at a National Park relatively close to us. My favourite photo was taken after I slid down the side of a hill (deliberately) and balanced myself without holding on to anything. The photo was of a track which had once been a creek but was now dried up due to the drought. Despite the lack of creeks and waterfalls, it was a very pretty place with native trees, fallen leaves and one branch pod looked almost like an oar. I didn't get a photo of it and regretted that for a moment. It was lovely to take a deliberate break from my study, enjoy a stroll through the park with Andy and take photos of scenes that were so interesting as well as 'imagine' trees looking like something else. For example, I looked at one branch and the bark wrapped around it made it look like a snake's head swallowing an arm. I imagined stories I could write and tried to get Andy to see the 'pictures' too but he was content just to enjoy the walk, talk and views.

Sometimes Andy will ask me what this place is like in Winter or what happened here years ago and when I ask him why he's asking me, he says that he's only been here for a year. I remind him I haven't been here much longer than him. Sometimes I forget that this place is new to me. Sometimes I forget that I've been through a lot to get to this point and that it's OK for me to have days when I don't want to get out of bed and face the day and it's OK to say to myself that today I can have a sad day. I decided to do a time line on myself of major events that have happened and every year for the past seven years, at least one or two high scoring stress points have occurred. We're not talking a 'hitting your big toe in the dark against a suitcase and losing a toe-nail just after your honeymoon" type event, although that did happen, we're talking moving house, moving interstate, moving across the world, getting married, getting widowed, changing jobs, starting intense study, falling off my horse and sustaining concussion and injuries that required me to have 3 weeks off work (Nov 2014) and other serious stuff.

This week I've been trying to catch up on my study and because it's about coefficient coordinates, stability coefficients, standard error of measurements, deviations and other topics particularly appropriate to the reliability and validity of assessments, some of it seems foreign to my brain when I have to apply formulas to analyse them. I called my friend Sharyn who has dabbled in assessment and who actually enjoys it and she came over today and helped a lot! Sharyn and I have been friends for almost 30 years and even though there have been times we haven't seen each other for years on end, she is one of those friends that we just picked up from where we left off, friends. 

After we'd checked over my notes and assumed I was on the right track and looked at the assignment and figured out what they were asking and after she decided against doing the course for me, in my name, (only joking), we got to talking about life and how we grow and change our perspective on something we once my have considered an absolute. In other words, we talked about growing up from a young adult into a middle-aged adult. (How my eyebrows lifted as I typed that!!) We ate small Cadbury Easter eggs left over from the housewarming party and munched on cheddar shapes as we talked for hours.

We talked about how we handle conflict. We talked about how people change as they 'mature' and we talked about my time line. As things have been tough for me over the past few or more months, I have really missed my mum. It's been almost 16 years since she passed away but she was the person I called to discuss everything with. I have needed to talk to someone who was good at listening, who knew me well, who had walked with me and who shares the same values, faith and beliefs I have. It was good to learn more about Sharyn and how/why she handles conflict and other life struggles.

Today, Andy and I read an article about Keanu Reeves and he was quoted as saying, "Grief changes shape but it never ends." He went through tragedy in his life but he kept pushing on, moving forward. That is admirable but it's hard to do. When I went to see my lecturer of the counselling subject I was doing in 2013 and shared with him some of my life story, he was surprised and said that usually someone in my situation would give up and yet I was out moving forward taking risks. I felt encouraged by his words but also felt determined to push myself and make sure I keep doing that. Consequently, when I have a bad day, I feel guilty. It was good for me to remind myself of my timeline of events. We can take this life for granted and we might forget that we don't have control over when our life or lives of our loved ones will end on this earth. We need to continually remind ourselves to make the most of every day but that includes sometimes taking time out to refresh, rejuvenate and take time to heal so that we can continue to have the strength to move forward and get on with all the tasks we still have yet to finish.

The Value of Love

A happy heart makes the face cheerful,

but heartache crushes the spirit. Prov. 15:13

How do you respond when you read that? I was reading something Holly Wagner wrote. She said, "So many of us put off being happy...... and the list of waiting to be happy goes on and on. Looking forward to something is important, but don't let it overshadow the value of today. I would like to suggest that happiness is a choice."

I have friends (and sometimes I can be one) who try to find the positives and blessings no matter what they are going through. I also have friends (and sometimes I can be one) whose heartache is crushing their spirit and they (we) find it hard to rise above our hurt. 

I am sitting at my unpacked office desk looking out the window at blue skies, green grass and trees that rise up on the hill. The birds are singing and the wind chimes that I put up yesterday occasionally chime in a gentle breeze. A magpie is walking along the front yard, pecking at the ground for food and I wonder if Andy killed the big snail I saw on the front porch yesterday. It is good to relax here and know that we are mostly unpacked but when I get to thinking about the stresses I  need to address, my stomach turns into knots and I let out a heavy sigh. 

The thing is, I know that sometimes evil wins and although it may be only a temporary win, innocent people get hurt and damaged. As I face others who are intent upon their getting their own way and will do what it takes to pursue their goals even if it means lying, I try to remind myself of what it says in Psalm 5:

"Lead me, O Lord in  your righteousness because of my enemies -- make straight your way before me. Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction...
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."

I have two weeks of school break and I need to run lots of catch-up errands like:

• Get my hair done (a well-needed cut and colour!)
• Take Milly to the vet for her annual check up
• Write a letter to the RTA to put forward our evidence as to why we should get all our bond back (knotted stomach)
• Catch up on 3 weeks that I am behind in Uni studies
• Write an assignment for Uni - (subject is Individual Assessment and Testing)
• Have a housewarming party (definitely something to look forward to!!!)
• Go to the dentist for a checkup and clean. (must)
• Weed the front garden 
  

A wise friend wrote an email and said to me, "May God give you His peace Carolanne and a truly restoring break. I hope you take some time for yourself and not just for study. You've had such a difficult start to the year and a hard end to 2014. You need some time out, even if only half a day here and there, to relax and recharge your energy and enthusiasm for life." Yesterday as I unpacked my office, I came across some birthday cards that were given to me in October 2011, 2 months after Dave passed away and 2 days before I headed back to Australia. As I read them, I remembered the special love and friendship I was privileged to share with my family and friends over there. I came across a card from the principal/friend of the school I taught at in Spokane and she wrote, "The Lord caused you to impact many lives in the United States and He has great plans for you in Australia. You will be missed! Love you!"

As I reflect on how I am feeling, I am thankful for the many friends I have made. I have friends I can play with, laugh with, relax with, share with and pray with. I have friends who build me up and encourage me and they are all so unique. When I am feeling down and discouraged, when my stomach is in knots and I procrastinate because it hurts to remember and gather evidence of wrong-doing against me, it is good to be reminded that no matter what stuff is thrown at me, the real thing that counts - love, family, friends - are blessings that outweigh the hurt. I need to keep going and not let that hurt overshadow the value of loving and being loved.