Wedding Rings

Life is going on with all it's challenges and some days I feel like I am coping really well.  How well I cope is often determined by the amount of sleep I have had, the amount of socialising I've done, how well my class has behaved, whether or not I am keeping up to date with school work and how much music I've listened to.  That is all normal I know and now, a year and 2 weeks after Dave has passed away, I do feel like I am starting to live again and do things that I enjoy.  I've even started looking forward to summer again so that I will be able to play outdoors.  I realised that I missed the Aussie summer because I was in the early throes of grief and had no emotional capacity or desire, to go out and play then.

A few months ago I was looking at the wedding rings on my left hand which includes Dave's on my middle finger and my engagement/wedding ring on my fourth finger.  I wear my mum's wedding ring on my right hand.  When my mum passed away, Dad brought home her ring and put it on the table and said, "This is the first time in 39 years, this ring has come off her finger."  When he gave it to me to wear some time later, I felt honoured and it is very special to me.  Anyway, I was talking about my rings with a friend, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with them.  I decided tentatively that I would wait until it was the anniversary of Dave's passing away before I took them off.

Last night I was at home alone and playing with my rings.  I took them off, looked at my hand, felt the grief and put them back on again.  Today I have ventured to put Dave's ring on the middle finger of my right hand, next to mum's.  Both of them have had such a big part in my life and nothing (and no one) can take that away from me.  I am still wearing my wedding ring that symbolises my marriage to Dave.  I don't know how long I will wear it for but as someone said to me tonight, "There's no hurry."

Sometimes I get mad at Dave for leaving me and I get mad about me being on my own again.  I want to get all our photos, his clothes, everything, box it all up and throw it away.  I don't ever do that though, because I know I would only regret it later.  One of my colleagues is planning to move in with me and help share the bills, as of September some time.  To make room for her, perhaps I will need to go through those things objectively and either store it or give it away.  I think I am getting to that emotional place where I will be able to do that.

And thus, the journey continues......

Love Binds My Heart

It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep.  Thoughts are swirling round in my head and my heart is chasing them all, trying to take hold of what is good, true and full of hope and trying not to focus on the hurt and loss over the past year.  But sometimes it seems impossible and since the anniversary of Dave's passing away is only a day or so away, (Thurs. Aug. 2nd) it is probably normal for me to feeling this way.

The year has been challenging and there are no words to describe the heartache and toughness of it all.  Every day since then I have got out of bed and faced each day and whatever it held for me.  Every night I go to bed and wonder why I will bother to get up the next day.  I look to what I had back then and to what I have now and I still can't see the point of it all.  I have not 'achieved' anything through all this struggling.  OK - before you all balk at that statement and start pointing out the new friendships, the job, the shelter, I want you to know you are not measuring it in the same way I am.  I was content with my life with Dave.  I did not want to change who I was with or where I was.  Dave was my home. I belonged with him.

Now I belong nowhere.  I can get up and leave any time as there are no roots to tie me down.  Some people might consider that freedom but I was made for more than just to exist.  Many years ago, someone spoke to me and said that I have a heart full of love to give but I was young at the time, so tucked those words away without fully understanding them. 

I love.

I love each student in my class.  I know them, their idiosyncrasies, their weaknesses and their strengths.  When they are feeling down about themselves, I believe in them.  I love seeing their eyes light up when they finally understand a concept that they had been struggling with.  I want to motivate them to learn and I want to help them grow as individuals and take responsibility for their learning.  People, be they parents, teachers or other sideliners, observe and sometimes make comments about how I should go about teaching this class, but they are not with them all day, every day, they do not know the individuals in that class and sometimes their understanding of how best to teach my class is limited. Plus, they are not me and they do not have the same relationship with my students, that I do.

I love my colleagues.  I work with people who are passionate about teaching and who give their hearts and time to their students.  I love sitting in the staffroom, listening to their stories of their students and also listening to them tell their stories that are not school related.  I have built up good friendships amongst the staff and I feel very privileged when they honour me with their friendship and love.

I love my family.  My family includes my son, Nathan, of whom I am very proud and includes my siblings, Dave's siblings, my in-laws and my own family.  Naturally I am closer to some but I know that my family pray for me, love me and care about what happens to me.

I love my friends.  I am sometimes amazed at how my friends keep loving me even when I think I am so unlovable.  They reassure me, encourage me and pray for me.  They accept me when I'm at my darkest and they don't give up on me.  They play games of Words With Friends with me over and over again even if they get beaten and they sometimes say silly things just to make me laugh.  They tease me playfully and they make me smile.

So here I am when I should be asleep trying to figure out what my future holds and whether my heart will be strong enough to face it.  I am scared of this next part of my life because there is still nothing for me to hold on to.  There is nothing to stop me from walking away except for .... love. 

I guess that's it, isn't it?  As it says in 1 Corinthians 13: If I have everything but don't have love, I am nothing.  "[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

And now it is past midnight, but I'm glad I got up to write this and to realise that love is what counts at this time.  If there is no love, there is no hope and if there is no love, there is no faith either.  Love binds it all together.  It binds my heart and keeps it strong so that I can face an unknown future without fear.  It binds my heart and keeps it strong so that I can keep loving the people God puts in my life, without worrying (too much) about getting hurt and suffering more loss. Oh that reminds me of the verse, "Perfect love casts out fear."  I get it now! I'm still scared but I know that God's love will keep me safe and He will guard my heart for me. I don't have to protect my heart, I just have to put my heart in God's hands and trust Him to show me how I should love.

Bind: to fasten or secure with a band or bond. to swathe or bandage (often followed by up ): to bind up one's wounds. to fasten around; fix in place by girding: to tie up (anything, as sheaves of grain).