Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?
I have had male friends tell me that I do too much thinking so obviously I don't fit all of 'enry 'iggins song. On the other hand, how do I straighten up 'the mess that's inside': the stress I feel, the niggling worry about what the future holds and what I should do to plan for an uncertain future, wondering how friends and family from afar are dealing with life, missing parts of my life that was in the US, missing friends and family, making the most of every day but knowing I fall short of what I could be doing, wondering how to "be" the best me I can be. And then I remind myself of what I was told not long ago but a wise man, "Carolanne! Why do you raise the bar so high for yourself and yet willingly show grace to others?! No one can make that bar, not even you!" I looked at him and replied, "But I should know better. I need to set a good example." He kindly replied, "You need to take the bar down, Carolanne."
Andy bought this pink T-Shirt for me, not because it's a Nike T-Shirt but because of the slogan, "Just do it". For the last five weeks or so, there have been times when I've just had to put one foot in front of the other, or swim one more stroke or even, just put on work clothes and begin another day. One thing I notice though, is that no matter how hard it might be, there is always a surprise, a blessing or something that helps to bring a smile to my face and encourages me to take the next step. The other day, it was a colleague genuinely asking me how I was and she took the time to listen and then pray with me.
I am so thankful for the people in my life. I am loved even when I doubt myself and when I feel I have let others done. So, in a few weeks time, I celebrate 50 years of life with some of my family and friends and it will be a good time. I'll also be on a break from school for a couple weeks so Andy and I will be able to take some time off, walk by the beach and catch up with friends from Victoria. When I read my other blog posts, even when it seems like I haven't moved forward very fast, I am constantly reassured that one small step at a time, I am going forward and going forward with beautiful people who are walking alongside me with love.
This is the song playing at the moment which reassures me that I am not alone.
Your silent love comes over me
In the stillness of my memory
I feel your touch
I've heard you call
Your silent love remains unchanged and strong
My deepest hopes and fears are known
No private thought that can't be shown
And every wounded place I see
Is drawing me to you and you to me
So as each moment passes by
I look to you to guide my life
For I have come to understand
That nothing can remove me from your hand
